Monday, November 22, 2010

Dear Holidays

Dear Holidays,


How’d you get here so fast? Let me help you < pause > slip out the back door. Oops, sorry. I forgot I was wearing stilettos. Well, while you’re down there, I’ve gotta say something. Who invited you anyway? What with all that tinsel and sparkle, you think you’re hot to trot. Sweetie, you’re wrong. You don’t bring on the cheer. You incite increased need for Prozac. You multiply family tensions one gazillionfold. All this forced focus on love and happiness just makes us think about our losses and what we don’t have. Face it. You’re a downer, darling.

Financial problems torment us already. There you go, sauntering in, all flirty and stuff. Next thing we know, we have to buy gifts for people we don’t even like. Plus, we have to see them, and eat with them, and even hug them.

On the other hand, ever been alone between Halloween and Valentine’s Day? I can’t even grab a bite to eat without incident. Apparently, it’s unacceptable to eat alone, especially during you. Waitstaff never get it. I always have to overemphasize the “one” factor.

“Yes, I want a table for one. Yes, that’s ‘one’ as in ‘one.’ Me. Yep. I’m alone again this holiday season. Just seat me in that decrepit booth in the corner. Toss me a box of tissue and a bottle of booze. Got any soda crackers? I’ll be just fine. All one of me.”

Oh, quit looking at me with sympathy. I could be on a date, but have you read my dating stories? Check out the archives...See, I don’t have it so bad now, huh?

Sure, I could be with family too, but I’d be instructed to thank Jesus. Now, that’s fine for Christians, but gratitude towards Jesus does nothing to further my dreidle game.

This brings me to potato pancakes. [We're ignoring my dreidle game, 'cuz I'm still perfecting it.] I do love latkes. Those are scrumptious, especially when drowned in the apple sauce-sour cream combination. But have you ever tried making a batch from scratch? It practically takes an act of God. I’m not quite that good.

What’s up with fruitcake, anyway? It’s got no business calling itself a cake. Cake is not ugly or yucky.

Alright, I’ve knocked you down long enough. Come on in, and leave the chocolate-peppermint fudge on the counter. You can come back next year, but only if you bring some more.

With love and sincerity,
Robyn

25 comments:

  1. this is too true - if I ever go into a restaurant and ask for a table for one, the waiter looks at me like I'm some kind of sex offender.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I once went to the movie alone once and I felt so embarrassed I left out the back entrance. The movie was Fair Game (REALLY BAD). It sucked. Happy Turkey day to you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think you should come to Oklahoma sometime between now and Thanksgiving. We will hang out, act crazy, won't make you thank anybody and maybe even find you a cowboy. I'm full of great ideas!

    ReplyDelete
  4. It's so nice to see that you are already knee deep in the holiday spirit!

    I used to travel a lot and I have no problem eating alone in a restaurant or going to the movies, ON WEEK NIGHTS!
    Go on a Friday or Saturday night and you're the only one out on date night ALONE... Better to get room service or fast food.

    Put me in a coma on the day after halloween and don't wake me up until the day after Valentine's Day...

    great post Robyn...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Well said, Robyn. You've got to let a holiday know who's boss...make it sing to your tune.

    ReplyDelete
  6. i'm not really a fan of christmas...

    ReplyDelete
  7. you had me at chocolate-peppermint fudge

    ReplyDelete
  8. Honey you need to eat an entire bar of chocolate covered Halvah. (I did that once...when I was younger. Maybe that's where my middle age sveltness came from!NOT! :o ha!)

    And I agree with Gorilla Bananas. Work it!

    Taking a book to a restaurant always worked for me. Hugs!~Ames

    ReplyDelete
  9. I couldn't have said it better myself. Keep it Real, Girlfriend!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Holidays make me sad. Everybody has a family, but me it seems. And all the ones that do and should be thankful, complain about them. But those suckers are eating turkey on Thanksgiving and Christmas...I eat leftover Chick-Fil-A (with extra pickles and full fat mayo!!) That's what I call a tradition!!! ...jealous much?

    I always look at the ones who say: "table for one???" and say: "NO!!! PAR-TAY of ONE!!!" ;}

    ReplyDelete
  11. Well said. I don't like fruitcake either!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I know what you mean. I tried to make latkes once and wound up cutting my hand on the potato grater. BTW...thanks for referring to my post as a rerun. :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am getting to the point that holidays just piss me off instead of just making me sad. But since I have kids I just grin and bear it.

    ReplyDelete
  14. CB, at least it was a lousy movie. xo

    Marla, that's a tempting offer. Thanks. ;0)

    Pat, very good details to remember: Don't ever do the solo dining experience on a Fri or Saturday. xo

    Ames, naturally, I like your suggestion. Thanks. [0:

    TIS, Par-tay of one. That's the right attitude! xo

    OT, I think I'm at that stage too. Could you tell? ;->

    Thanks everyone (said with feigned holiday cheer). I hope you get some chocolate-peppermint fudge this season. I'll be on the lookout for some myself. xo

    ReplyDelete
  15. You just said what most people think ;0)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Haha! Robyn - this post, you totally rocked it. You were in the zone.

    gratitude towards Jesus does nothing to further my dreidle game. - holy crap that is funny!

    Nicely played. You inspire me to up my game.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thanx for the follo Robyn - actually you followed me before but it didn't quite show up properly - I hope your Thanksgiving isn't soo bad - David

    ReplyDelete
  18. Fruitcake IS disgusting! If you lived near me, you could sneak over to my place and hide out, ya know. I promise you wouldn't have to buy me anything or even give me a hug (though I know you'd wanna shower me with hugs and kisses cuz you luv me...heehee.)

    ReplyDelete
  19. holidays are great and not so great work and money. the best part is the people we are involved with and cherish. have a great thanksgiving. rose

    ReplyDelete
  20. I hate this time of year. Being alone sucks and without children there is no real reason to celebrate anything. My dad loved it but since he died I put a boycott on everything holiday related. I prefer the tradition of your chosen people - a movie and chinese food. Now that is how you do a holiday. If we lived closer we could get drunk on cheap wine and argue over the last eggroll.

    ReplyDelete
  21. A friend says she spends a very happy Thanksgiving and Christmas in the local Metroplex, seeing movies all day. Then for dinner she goes to a relative she loves very much, her grandmother, and they have a private feast of their favorite goodies...no turkey. Sounds good.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Brilliant.. holidays are overrated.. family is (sometimes) overrated.. we can't choose which ones to have over..or visit..(and i'm totally with you on the Jesus front)...

    You won't be alone forever.. and then you'll look back and wish you were again. lol..

    ps. i love my own company too..

    (pity it doesnt love me back... haha)

    great post Robyn!!

    xo

    ReplyDelete
  23. What a great and thought provoking post. I like keeping it real. Well, I like it when I'm not in denial anyway...ha!

    ReplyDelete
  24. I have a couple of friends who put out a call for other "single friends" to join them on holidays. One has something at her home (with everyone pitching in with food--very low key.) The other reserves space in a restaurant. Make that Par-tay of one into a bigger par-tay, if you don't like being alone! You'll "make somebody's day," and probably improve your own, as well! Somebody else can make the latkes!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Marnie, thanks. I'm not altogether a Debbie Downer during this time, just mostlytogether one. :-)

    Cheeseboy, you keep me inspired as well. Your comment means a lot. Thanks. xo

    David, the turkey was just right. Thanks.(0:

    Marlene, I will have to take you up on that some time. We'd have so much fun raising a raucus around there. xo

    Rose, it really is all a mixed bag. Isn't it? Thank you. ;-b

    Kal ((HUGS)) You could have the last eggroll. xo

    Margaret, your friend's holiday plans sound wonderful. Thanks. d0:

    Anthony, you're sweet. Thank you. xo

    Thanks Jenny. xo

    Jamie, I really like your attitude! Thanks for joining Life by Chocolate. xo

    ReplyDelete