And I Wrote This Book.

Friday, November 19, 2010

On Why I Choose Celibacy, Reason #36, aka The Barker

He seemed like a normal guy at first. We got lost in typical courtship discourse: How’s it going? Wanna grab a pizza? Can you touch your elbow to your ear?


At some point, though, he began barking. By this, I mean, he barked. He was a barker. I’m not talking about being snippy or an outright jerk. He literally barked.

I called him up one day, and he answered the phone with an “Aarff!” Taken aback, I giggled. Note to self: Dumb move, Robyn. The beastly vocalizations picked up in pace and frequency to an: “Ar-Ruuff, Arr-Arr (snort) Ruff! Ruff!” once every few minutes. This began occurring at mealtimes, in crowded movie theatres, shopping malls, and sporadically during every interaction.

In retrospect, clearly, the guy’s got Tourette’s. At the time, though, I was dumbfounded. I could not believe I was dating a barker, and his name wasn’t Bob.

You’d think with such animalistic tendencies, we had chemistry – if you know what I mean. Nope. On a trip to Tahoe, in a hotel room with a Jacuzzi, with me lounging in said Jacuzzi, the barker chose to sprawl out on the bed to watch TV. I can’t remember which show won his attention, but I’m guessing it was Lassie Come Home.

Now, I don’t have a problem with dogs of the canine variety. However, I do take issue with dogs in human form. Call me picky if you will, but I couldn’t take it any longer. I finally snapped and unleashed the boy.

“Go fetch! No, it’s further. Much further! Good boy. Keep going! Faster, further, further, faster…”

29 comments:

  1. Was the guy at least housebroken?
    I love this series...

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  2. You did the right thing, Robyn, he would have cheated on you with a poodle. I wonder if he could catch Scooby snacks in his mouth?

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  3. I'm not sure if that last paragraph has some sexual connotation. At least he wasn't a mooer or meower. I've had plenty of those in my life.

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  4. And to think I used to think men are pigs. Now we're another species all together. BTW...made you blog of the day.

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  5. Oh wow...seriously, where do you find these people?!

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  6. bet i know what was his favorite position was...

    *grins*

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  7. Oh dear. He could have been a sports announcer. (Check out my blog today.)

    Men: Take note: No barking on dates. Please.

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  8. Very funny! No doubt he's had a ruff life.

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  9. Pat, yeah. That's the thing. He was neat, tidy, and shut the door when peeing. The barking was completely unexpected. xo

    GB, thanks for your support. You're right. He's probably sharing Scooby snacks with a poodle right now. ;0)

    PTM, for once, I didn't intend on any innuendos. Really. Waring: beware of women who meow and moo. xo

    CB, pigs are looking pretty attractive right now. Thanks for the blog recognition.[=

    Babysis, they're all over the world, my friend. At least, I like to think they are. Or am I the only one they gravitate to? xo

    SirT, touche. :o>

    Men, please read and abide by Betty's note. Thank you. xo

    Fran, very good! A ruff life, no doubt. {-:

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  10. What?!!! :-) I've dated a number of men but have yet to come upon a barker.

    Ahh. I've so much to look forward to!

    Pearl

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  11. Husband wakes up howling sometimes...
    Would a howler be a dog or a monkey?

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  12. That's a new one on me.. geeze..now I am jealous of you... ;}

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  13. If I had a redhead in the hotel room jacuzzi tub, I would not be watching tv.

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  14. Oh Robyn ... I'm sorry but I am laughing.

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  15. LOL! Thank goodness I haven't yet stumbled across a barker.

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  16. I love you all. You have me laughing hysterically. THANKS! xo

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  17. Oh dear....I'd have gotten downright CATTY! (And scratched his eyeballs out)

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  18. What Marlene said ;0) Dog-gone-it!

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  19. And here all I though a man could do was snore............. fart......... and burp........

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  20. I love your series...been catching up on old one's I missed....should write a book for men, seriously..."Relationship tricks to master for dummies, dogs, pigs and donkeys".... ;D

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  21. haha - brilliant.. where do you find these guys? Didnt the panting give it away? well, you did go to lake tahoe..(always wanted to know if that place was any good..often hear about it in films etc.)

    anyway, very funny.. and it would be great to collate these and put them out as a book..
    awesome Robyn!!

    xo

    =]

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  22. You seriously are too funny!
    Happy Sunday!
    gi gi

    ps, I just noticed I am on your sidebar, aw thank you that made my nigt :)

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  23. Gi gi, you are fabulous. That's why you're on the sidebar. xo

    Great play on words, Marlene and Marnie. :0)

    Karen, yes, they have a few "special" skills. xo

    Rek, you are perfect. I love that recommendation. Thanks. <-:

    Anthony: Didnt the panting give it away? <- Sometimes, I'm naive. I was flattered vs alarmed by the panting. LOL. xo

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  24. Seriously....where do you find these dogs?

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  25. I swear, Marla, I don't shop for a match at PETCO. I know it's hard to believe. :0)

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  26. OMG Robyn - the Bob the Barker posting is too funny. Yeah you have now followed me twice David - xox

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  27. Thanks David. Shall I follow you once more, just to be sure? ;0) xo

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