Monday, May 9, 2011

On Why I Choose Celibacy, Reasons #98-102: Polly Proposition


Lifted directly from current internet dating ads, I now take you past a century of reasons (or does it merely feel that way?) for my celibate existence. Please laugh and enjoy. 

Reason #98: I'm to sexy for my shirt to sexy
...loving man that is old school all the way!!! i love the oldes and christan music.. love to meet just one nice woman to go and do things with that has some of my intests Gulp. Would I need a colonoscope to get your intests? Cuz that’s just not to sexy.


Reason #99: I'am a self made Man, with a carrer job. Make’am yourself a spellcheck, dear. Who loves to snowboard,wakeboard. I'am altheletic. I have been married once and learned from that marriage, how to make my next one last forever. I'am seeking a Woman who shares similiar likes and hobbies. I fell that I have so much to offer and all I truely want in life is to be loved unconditionally by by mate. Hint: Don’t say “by by” when seeking unconditional love.


Reason #100 wants to meet me: I am looking for my soul mate to go live off grid, By Gridley? Well, that’s not too far. Sure. build our earth ship. But there’s no water around here. I’m getting confused. Grow and raise all outr own food. Like on Gilligan’s Island? Cool. To be as low carbon as posable. I see, posable. More like Gumby! And yet ha ve a good peaceful life. I’m not that posable. Sorry.


Reason #101 wants to meet me, and lots more women, too: Sex is good and should be often. Looking for Women to be my Girl Friend; We live Polly and are look to add to our relationship Hm, Polly? Pollyanna? You live with her? That sweet little girl who can’t walk but spreads sunshine throughout the town? Nah, I can’t do Polly. I’m too cynical. Oh, silly me. You mention sex twelve times here. Polly, polly. I get it! You let your parrot watch you have sex. Eww. No thanks.   


I had a phone conversation with Reason #102 last week. I transcribed a portion of his teachings while he preached, in order to blog his valuable insights. He said: “I am a seeker, a knower…Laughter is not something made of a catalyst. A baby doesn’t learn to laugh. It’s a natural, magical thing. That’s why everyone loves babies. We are born of peace. We make things complicated as we grow older. We become the outcome of our own environment...Everyone has a God given right to be at peace, even mass murderers...We choose it or not. It’s that simple…Life is good.”

Hoping to decrease the odds he’d ask me out, and naturally fiercely annoyed, I jostled him with pointless debate. (E.g., “It’s not that simple. Life isn’t good for much of the world right now. And babies cry. A lot.”) It mattered not. He still asked, “Would you like to meet up some time?” I responded, “Um, well, no, I just, well, don’t think so. Thank you.”

I hung up the phone, relieved to resume a peacefully celibate lifestyle with no parrot in sight.

33 comments:

  1. LOL @ the polly one. Love how you turned into the bird.

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  2. eeuw - parrots watching sex is too much. They probably give commentaries too. Always good to catch up with your 'guys' Robyn x

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  3. I just Love you! Plain and simple!

    Hugs my Dear friend!

    John

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  4. Sounds like more slim pickins. Do any of the people ever proof what they type???

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  5. Any time someone begins an ad by saying they want you to go off the grid with them, I think the proper thing to do is run. There be some Silence of the Lambs stuff going down.

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  6. Oh, come on! If #102 asked me out I'd agree...he'd be laughing at all my jokes.

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  7. So funny...and so much material out there! I think you could write a daily blog about nothing but fabulous personal ads...forever.

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  8. OT, thanks. I'll never look at parrots again without thinking of him. Eww. xo

    David, yeah. Can you imagine polly commentary? That's funny and a bit concerning. Thanks. ;~)

    John, dear John, lots of love back to you - just not the polly thing. (Nothing personal.) xo

    MsA, thank you. Sure, spellcheck misses a lot, but it would pick up 80% of this stuff. [-:

    TS, that's good. LOL. Thanks for the warning. I never heard that "off the grid" thing but it sure doesn't sound good. xo

    Shan, you'd think so, since laughter is so natural and life is simple and good and all. But he's pretty intense. I doubt he's ever laughed. =o)

    Jane, you are right. These are the easiest and fastest posts for me to write. Thanks for stopping by. xo

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  9. Ewwah! Did these come from the "Pathetic" section of the Personal Ads? Those Polly's should really be over in the "Looking for Freaky Sex" section. And Off the Grid?? In other words, this one had to cash in some beer cans to pay for this ad because it sounds like off grid means he's a broke unemployed individual probably squating in someone else's place with no water or electricity. Yeh sounds fun doesn't it? NOT! It conjures up images of outhouses and irregular bathing habits. ~Ames

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  10. EWWWW EWWWWWW and EWWWWW! I hear ya ! My best friend was just complaining about the same thing. she has had some dooseys try to connect with her. EWWWWWWWW! Good luck! Blessings, Joanne

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  11. After reading these all I can say is "I'am intest in posable sex with Polly."

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  12. Oh boy. Whatever you do, do NOT meet some guy and then go off to live "Off the Grid." We'll never find the body.

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  13. Oh my, they all sound so wonderful!

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  14. Yikes! But so damn funny! Although I am happily married, and have no interest in dating sites, the amount of awesome blog fodder I could glean from one of these sites...man, I'd never have to write a post again. I'd let the yahoos do all the talking.
    Loved, loved, loved your commentary! And I give you massive props for actually talking to one of them on the phone! - G

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  15. We live Polly, eh? Reading between the pidgin English, it looks like Dude 102 was inviting to you join some kind of harem. As for Dude 102, he sounds like an exponent of the "bore them into bed" technique.

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  16. Have mercy, Robyn! Those are horrendous!

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  17. I'm convinced that guy is out there somewhere...off the grid right now.

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  18. What I want to know is why you haven't been telling us about the Chocolate Fest!

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  20. Oops, I meant to say thanks for laughing with me (even though I'm not always laughing over here), everyone. I can always count on you for that. Your responses keep me going!

    I especially love your "off the grid" comments and Laughingmom's response. Perfect!

    IT, I'm ashamed to say I missed it. I know, I know. Were you there?

    xoRobyn

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  21. No Polly for me either! I totally agree -

    Love,

    J

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  22. That's funny. Mr. Polly may find a solution the old fashioned way. But does he have enough money?
    Nancy
    N. R. Williams, The Treasures of Carmelidrium

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  23. This is hilarious. Hi Robyn. Thanks for your visit and comment on my blog yesterday. Nice to "find" you again after the a-z thing completed.
    Karen

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  24. How did you miss something that isn't until Saturday? Or, are you using a different calendar?
    No, I won't be able to be there. I have another commitment in the foothills east of Redding.

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  25. All are funny, as is your commentary, but my favorite is the dude that spells I'm I'am. HA HA!

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  26. "Live off the grid"...LOL! I'm peein' my pants laughin' here. It's a good thing I've got bladder control pads. HA HA Ha.

    How the hell did I miss this post? Oh, I know, I've got a rotten chest cold and have been slacking on visiting this week. Thanks for understanding.

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  27. #98 - eww, that's gross. what was he thinking? Polly - boy...how did that guy pull any women, let alone a bunch? Can't be money.. sometimes the human race makes no cents.. lol...sense..

    the last guy..well, at least he had SOME interesting ideas... my baby smiles a lot and doesnt cry much at all.. and we do make life complicated as we get older.. but that's because we grow up... lol... mm a bit too preachy that one.. damn... getting there!
    Good to see the series back!

    xo

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  28. a year after you asked me to stop by, i finally did.

    i guess i should probably get to things a bit quicker.

    following now.
    ps i am a sucker for reason # 102. i love that &%*%.

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  29. Now, now, Robyn. Take it easy with Mr. #98. He may have a LARGE intest.
    #99: He's altheletic? Maybe he's drunk when he plays basketball...?
    #100: Gumby? Maybe he's looking for his pony pal, Pokey...?
    #101: Meet more women? Nothing like upping your odds for herpes.
    #102: He loves babies? I think he just wants an excuse to crap in his pants.

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  30. Your commentary is hilarious. I like Al's take on #99 :0)

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  31. I'm pleased that I came across your blog Ms. Robyn, and find your past entry’s entertaining.
    I do think maybe you were a little too hasty deciding not to let suitor number 102 court you. After all, he knows about magic and let you know babies have something to do with it.

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  32. Oh wow. #98? Totally all for him. :p You find the most awesome people. lol

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