Monday, May 23, 2011

The Marcia! Marcia! Marcia! Date


This is a dusted-off post from last spring. Please enjoy.

Spring has sprung. The birds tweet in glorious harmony and the flowers radiate magnificence. Love, blessed love, sweetens the air with magical sprinklings of passion and hope. The bees are, well, doing their thing and yada yada. You get the picture.


So there I sat at Alameda’s Java Rama on Park Street a year ago. The phone chat was quite pleasant. I liked what I learned: Harold’s an accomplished writer, well traveled, financially secure and seemingly capable of two-way discourse. The basics were covered.

Studying his Internet photo a week prior, I was able to convince myself that looks aren’t everything. In fact, they’re not even important. No, looks don’t matter at all. Besides, some people don’t photograph well. I’d surely be captivated by his charming personality. Plus, everything and everyone is beautiful this time of year.

As I leaned back in my chair, I saw Harold approach the café door. I knew it immediately. I was certain. Yep, looks are certainly not important. He offered a cordial handshake, as I flashed my authentically fraudulent smile.

“What would you like to drink? Harold immediately inquired, flaunting his generous offer to purchase my beverage. These are together,” he announced with pride as the cashier placed both our drinks on the counter. He then dug into his wallet and whipped out some frequent coffee card or coupon-like thing. (I don’t know what it was; I was too embarrassed to look.) Generosity had reached a degrading low.

As we began talking, he impressed me. Within the next year, or maybe it was only 90 minutes, he displayed a substantial number of items on my checklist (of red flags). Here’s a synopsis:

1) He discussed the ex in excess. It was “Marcia this, Marcia that. Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!”

2) Infidelity - He informed, “I only cheated once, with my first girlfriend...It was horrible for the relationship. I’ll never do it again.”

3) Issues with boundaries. See disclosure in #2.

4) Talker's Syndrome. He kept talking and talking in one long winded never-ending run on sentence kind of like this one but it was a lot longer and a lot more boring and spewed in a completely monotone and stoic manner with no break between words or sentences.

Actually, it was nice to have time to glare at my watch, finish my tea, jog around the block, and check out the movie listings at the theatre around the corner.

5) Self indulgence. Harold reached into his brief case, pulling out each and every travel book he’s contributed to, showing me each and every table of contents, his favorite pictures in each and every series, with explanation as to why the pictures didn’t turn out better when Marcia (back to “Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!”) was behind the camera.

6) Bigotry. “I only tell racial jokes around my friends,” Harold disclosed. “They know I'm kidding. I’m not prejudiced.”

Of course not, and you’re not homophobic either. After all, I'm sure you occasionally watch “How I Met Your Mother” starring Neil Patrick Harris. Right?

7) Anger issues. “I have a sharp tongue,” he added. “I’ve had many friends turned enemies because of it.”

You ain’t seen nothing yet dude. Oh, I’m sorry, did I just spill the rest of my hot tea on your lap?

Alas, the date began closing. Without missing a beat, he stated “I’ve had a nice time. Would you like to get together again?”

Any way I did the math, the points did not add up in his favor. “It feels like this was just a friendly connection,” I replied.

Dejected, Harold hung his head low and began shoving the many publications back into his briefcase.

Okay, this is a bit awkward. Do I say something more? Do I plant a big wet one on his cheek as a “no hard feelings” gesture? Do I go back to the counter for a chocolate chip cookie?

I eyed the door and started to dart the hell out of there. Aah, spring had sprung and so had this Robyn.

27 comments:

  1. Oh Robyn I am sorry you keep ending up with "great" guys.

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  2. Oh, no. Unbelievable!

    Don't give up. Some day. Some day.

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  3. Oh...no...just no.

    I really dislike dating.

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  4. Hi - I am asking for fellow bloggers to visit my site in hopes that we can find a match for a young girl that desperately needs a bone marrow transplant. Would be great if you could visit today too. Thank you. Kelly
    http://ivebecomemymother.blogspot.com/2011/05/help-save-child-urgent-request.html
    I've Become My Mother
    I've Become My Mother facebook

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  5. This was hilarious! It seems you and I have dated the same person in variety! I cannot, cannot, CANNOT stand incessant talkers, especially ones with run on, never-ending, monotone voice, sentences!

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  6. Oh Yuck yuck and double yuck. I once had a blind date where the guy bought a present with him...a pretty wrapped box and inside...a pair of black lace panties that he thought I'd like. I closed the box, got up from the table and walked right out of the restaurant.That was 25 years ago. He was so clueless he's probably still there waiting for me to come back! great post. Blessings, Joanne

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  7. The detail that made me realise I'd read this post before was him bringing out the travel books. Funny what sticks in the memory.

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  8. I'm still cringeing on your behalf. But it had me laughing too (sorry, now I feel disloyal!)

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  9. I thought that went rather well--you should have a least let me call!

    LOVE YOU LOVE YOU! wink wink nudge nuge....


    LYMI

    John

    I am still laughing----NOT AT YOU-I MEAN....--uh oh here I go with foot in mouth...

    J

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  10. Like the new design, Robyn! My friend and I used to say we went on Raisins rather than Dates because the guys just never measured up!

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  11. Oh Robyn, say it isn't so!!! (or rather wasn't so!)

    I don't know how you stayed to endure the whole thing.

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  12. Poor Robyn forced to listen to the "Hark, Harold the angel sing /Glory to the yapping King! / Piece of mind and mercy mild / God, did I sin before tonight? / Joyful, all ye people clap / Angel put him in his place alright"....sorry couldn't resist... ;P No offence to a song I used to love to sing in school....
    love the new look but the choco bar at the top is a tad unfair to a person on diet.

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  13. When you jogged around the block, you should've kept going. What man talks about his past like that? Okay, what REAL man?

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  14. If he'd pulled those books out around me, I'd have swiped one and smacked him over the head with it, allowing me my "break" to make a run for it! HA!

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  15. Thanks, OT, Jason and Betty. xo

    Me too, Frisky. Me too. =o)

    Kelly, thank you. I'll do what I can to help spread the message. Prayers and blessings to you. xo

    Yvonne, those talkers are utterly annoying. Aren't they? To think of all the good sleeping or shopping or anything else we could be doing during their talks. Oy. {~:

    Joanne, your story cracks me up. Good for you for leaving him alone with the panties. xo

    GB, yeah, those travel books are hard to forget. =o>

    Rosalind, no, no, I WANT you to laugh. Please do. Someone needs to enjoy my dates! xo

    John, right backatcha (not the foot in mouth part, just all the lovey dovey stuff). [-=

    Thanks Laughing. Thedramamama gave me this beautiful makeover.
    After raisins come the prunes, I'm thinking. xo

    Keetha, yeah, I really should've gone shopping while he was talking. :-}

    Rek, thanks for the hearty laugh. I'm sorry for the choco temptations galore. xo

    Alex, good points. Thanks. <-:

    Marlene, I should bring you on my dates with me. We'd have too much fun at the guy's expense.

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  16. Ugh, that's horrible! :(
    I really don't like the idea of dating. It's so temporary and leads to so much heartbreak.
    :/

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  17. I had to stop by I saw you comment about lace panties and knew I had to come by :) lol.

    I hope he at least paid for dinner! Well thankfully he didn't break into tears that would just have been a topper. hehe

    Great post :)

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  18. Robyn, I thought you showed both guts and kindness in the way you let Harold know--without shaming him, inspite of the way he gassed on and on!--that you had no future together. A "friendly connection" was a particularly gentle and generous, even inspired phrase!

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  19. When I got to bigotry I remember this one and I remember peeing in my pants then. I still don't believe #2 was uttered! But hey, I wasn't there.

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  20. I hope you got a cookie. The chocolate will make everything OK, even after Harold. But how are men in Chico?

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  21. There are some nice, weird farmer boy Reagan lovers 'round there here parts, Sara.

    Thanks all.

    xoRobyn

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  22. Wow! He had all the red flags. Run for the hills!!

    Blogger is not letting me comment properly...

    Marnie xo

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  23. Marsha did get hit with the football, right? So see, sometimes Jans do score. Just not this time. Not that you are a Jan. Probably more of a Marsha. Never mind.

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  24. Cheeseboy, thanks for being sweet but I actually am a Jan. Just ask my sibs. They used to call me Jan Brady. I was the overly dramatic, dateless middle child. I even had a fake boyfriend named George. Yeah, George, uh, Glass.
    xoRobyn

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  25. Sounds like...fun? I'm sorry...

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  26. Well now it's summer ... so it can only get better from here right?

    omg, I loved Brady Bunch as a kid.. lol.. i had a crush on Jan.. sigh... she didnt grow up so hot though.. ironically Cindy did! haha

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