Sunday, August 1, 2010

Scraping the Bottom of the Barrel, aka And it Aint Pretty!

My friends, do you know what it’s like to be scraping the bottom of the barrel? It ain't pretty, let me tell you. In fact, let me show you. Come along as we laugh at current ad blurbs from a few of the most popular Internet dating sites. Take my hand. (I’m scared.) Wait, you really should close your eyes, hold your nose, and cover your ears first. You’ll thank me later. I promise. Here we go..

I could be wrong (It happened once), but I think these dudes are trying to bring on their funny.
BACHELOR #1: Knock Knock (who's there) ORANGE (orange who) knock knock (who's there) ORANGE (orange who) knock knock (who's there) ORANGE YOU GLAD YOU CLICKED ON MY PROFILE?? Actually, no, you funny, funny and oh-so-cool man. In fact, I just developed an aversion to oranges. And you.
BACHELOR #2: By the way, I know by reading this, you may think that I am conceited. You will be happy to know that I used to be conceited (What a relief!), but know (Is the “k” silent or did you forget how to spell “now”?) I am perfect. Did I mention my great sense of humor? Yeah. Did you used to have one of those too?

BACHELOR #3: A date of mine recently shared with me that men expect to visit to her bedroom on the 3rd date. I say, "why so long" ??? (just kidding of course). Yeah, this wildly funny approach will get you into many women’s bedrooms (and drop-kicked off the balcony).
I really can’t tell if this one is trying to be funny or if he just has a bowel-bladder disorder. BACHELOR #4: Ways in which I think it would be fun to spend our time together run the gamut from domestic ease to wild adventure (which is defined as being cold, wet, tired, hungry, and having to go to the bathroom).

The barrel’s bottom always offers mush, bitterness, and confused punctuation.BACHELOR #5: I,m looking for a partner that stands by your, Side no matter what life hit them with. Not one leaves her partner and gets a new one. When times get hard. Please lets be truthful to each other . Makes life so mush better so we don,t have, To put on a mask and make up lies . There,s to mush of that now . Poor guy. He’s clearly been through mush struggles with unfaithful women and mistaking the comma for the apostrophe. They do look mush alike.
BACHELOR #6: I'm 35 years old,good looking Athletic body with blue eyes,looking for jewish woman,sweetcaring,lo ving,intelegent that have a jobfor long releshinship and to araze femely. What language are you striving for, bozo? I might be jewish, sweetcaring, lo ving, and intelegent, or I might just be lo. At any rate, I’m afraid I don’t have a jobfor long releshinship, and I’m scared to try to araze femely. Oh, so close! Play again - in someone's else's yard.

BACHELOR #7: Of coarse I like to share some common interests and qaulities. But I like exspanding my horizons. What better way than to meet somebody new and different than me? Of coarse you do, qaulity man. Upon meeting new people, it’s advisable to meet someone other than yourself. That helps exspand the ‘ole horizons in a unique way. Of coarse.
Are these guys trying to attract or repel?BACHELOR #8: So, my wife and I split up a few weeks ago, and... What? That didn't scare you off already? Amazing! Actually, my first new relationship in ten years will be fun and exciting.

BACHELOR #9: Short form: aspiring mensch with ticking biological clock seeks indomitable gal for lifelong adventure and kick-ass offspring. How is it that you are the only man in the world with a biological clock? Moreover, how is it that you can possibly think this abnormality will endear a woman? (P.S. Those monthly visitors are a b*tch. Aren’t they?)

Bachelor #10 was already eliminated, so that’s it for this post’s scrapings. You may open your eyes, unclog your nose, uncover your ears, and thank me now.

26 comments:

  1. Ive never watched these Bachelor shows, but you do make it sound like fun

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  2. Oh my... How bigs your barrel, wow it sounds deep!!

    #5 sounds like an internet LOLZ cat!!

    smiling

    hugs!!

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  3. The spelleling of these men is pathetic! And what the hell is "domestic ease"???

    As always Robyn, so funny. Especially your commentary.

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  4. This was too funny. I did close my eyes and cover my ears. But, I had to let go of my nose three times to breath. I know, I cheated!
    Anyway, loved the post. These guys are too funny. Especially the bad grammar and the poor jokes.
    Oh yeah, did you notice the woman on the picture. She looks exactly like you, Robyn.
    Toodles...

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  5. No.5 should ask Tammy Wynette for a date but aren't you curious about No.6? A man who invents new words might be a wizard or magician.

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  6. Just how deep into that barrel are you scraping? too funny.

    BTW love the pic

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  7. OH DEAR. I kind of feel sorry for the guy who obviously got cheated on a lot. LOL. Too funny! Great post!

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  8. OK, I used to think you were making stuff up, but i have been helping my friend go through her dating site and now I see these are for real! Yikes! Is it too late for you to become a nun and marry you-know-who?

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  9. You poor dear. These are horrible! Funny but horrible!!

    Lydia

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  10. Oh. My. Goodness. I am speechless. What website are you on???

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  11. Hahaha. That was hilarious. Those men! They're never going to find anyone!!

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  12. I have a lovely movie for you re: the perils of men, etc. "Waitress" with Keri Russell. It's a gem.

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  13. I think they should try out 'last comic standing' as I'm rolling on the floor laughing!

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  14. Oh my gosh...thanks for the laughs!!!! Why are there so many stupid people?! Why am I asking such a stupid question. *rolling eyes*

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  15. I think you are being judgemental with all your demands that your future mate be all edumacated and have their spelling be error free. Stupid mens needs loves too, you now?

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  16. MMH, you're smart not to watch. It's really awful, and awfully addicting, stuff. xo

    TIS, there's clearly too mush room at the bottom of the barrel - way too mush. :0]

    CB, thanks. Good question re: "domestic ease." I think this is a case of a moron using an oxymoron. xo

    MrS, I'll let you slide, since you needed to breath and all. Thanks for saying I look like the bachelorette. Yeah, I kinda see a resemblance. (-:

    GB, I admit I'm curious about #6's yearnings to araze femely. He might be a wizard or magician. I was also thinking he might be a farmer. Hopefully, we'll never know. xo

    Baygirl, good question. Thus far, I have made it past the earth's crust. I'll keep you posted. xo

    MegO, yeah, I kind of do too. But to place an ad like that? You'd think these guys would run their blurbs by someone first. Maybe, I just wish they would've. ;-b

    BB, oh no, hon. These posts are as factual as it gets. Even my comments are directly, instinctively spewed from my mouth (very objectively too). xo

    Lydia, thanks for the sympathy. I really need it (clearly). <-;

    Noelle, well, I probably shouldn't name the websites that rhyme with catch and jhate. I just can't believe they've worked for so many people. It's not like the # of these ads is counter-balanced by good ones. xo

    Babysis, thanks. You wouldn't think so. ;-)

    CalGirl, thanks for the suggestion. I appreciate it and will keep it in mind. xo

    Sarah, great response! Thanks. They would probably be very puzzled if I suggested it, but it's a sound suggestion! [o:

    Marlene, I ask that stupid question all the time. Thanks, friend. xo

    Kal, I do prefer a little intelegents, troo. Ima snobb that waze. Sorree too ohfend u. ;-}

    Gayle, thanks!

    xoChocolate kisses,
    Robyn

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  17. #8...all I can say is wowwie wow wow! These were all funny Robyn but this one is beyond words.

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  18. So while in college a friend of mine and I had a radio show on our college station and this was essentially a segment we did. Sifting through online profiles and finding the worst ones we could then reading them on the air as sexy as we possibly could.

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  19. That cracked me up! I especially loved bachelors #5 & #6. Poor grammar gets me every time.

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  20. I wish I had an uncle to loan to you. My brother might be too young for you and my grandpa might be too old.

    Is there a sticky residue at the bottom of that barrel?

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  21. Hey - the one guy has been married before so he's not afraid to commit... eh? Rethinking him now aren't you? LOL

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  22. It's so funny how you're reading about these horrible guys and checking out their annoying ads. That's what I'm going through only with jobs so I feel for you. Must be able to life 50 lbs is my fave for admin assistant ads. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

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  24. I'm shocked! Isn't that how we first met?

    I had to repost this comment...the captcha word was "breast."

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  25. Marnie, you're right. I had to re-re-read it, because I was sure he must be kidding. Sadly, no. xo

    Erika, I love it. It must've been VERY difficult not to crack up. :0)

    Kelley, poor #'s 5 & 6. Don't you just want to hire them a tutor or something? xo

    PTM, I don't know about that. How old is your gramps? Does he have all his teeth? Let's talk. [-:

    Kristy, good point. I do wonder, though, how many women he's not afraid to commit to at once. xo

    Ally, I know. I'm on the search for both a new job and man. Fun times, fun times. WTF is it with these jobs that expect you to be on steroids? Seriously, I see the same thing for Social Work jobs (reaching, climbing, lifting 25-50lbs)! Oy, we'll talk! :-D

    Pat, that is too funny. Captcha sometimes just seems to know what to toss your way. Yeah, we met that way, but I thought we swore each other to secrecy. I did think you were the best catch in the bunch, though. Sorry that's not saying much at all. xo

    Thanks for joining me at the bottom here.
    Chocolate kisses,
    xoRobyn

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