Tuesday, August 24, 2010
I Think You Are Hot!
Because I think you are hot, I've done two things:
1) I made this collage of coldness especially for you. I hope it helps you forget how hot you really are. (Don't worry. I won't.)
2) I revived my coldest post, and it's actually from the Ice Age. It's a bit early for Thanksgiving time love, but I'm hopeful this will chill your bones.
INTRODUCTION: The following excerpt was relayed by the fly on the wall. Note that this is the same courageous yet depleted fly that zips from wall to wall upon hearing someone exclaim, “I’d like to be a fly on that wall.” According to said fly, this brief segment typifies Thanksgiving meal conversations throughout the country.
JUNIOR: Put some turkey on my plate, you bastard.
STEVIE: Are you calling me a turkey?
JUNIOR: No, I’m calling you a bastard.
STEVIE: Okay. White or dark meat?
MAMA DOLORES: That’s enough boys. You’re grown men now. Quit the squabbling. Herb, stuff it! Stuff that turkey. It’s too dry, and you haven’t done a damn thing all day to help get dinner ready. Like father, like son. Junior, I remember when your cousin Mike made a pass at Auntie Mabel one fine Easter Sunday. You stood there and didn’t say anything to protect her.
JUNIOR: Ma, I was only 6 years old, and that was 35 years ago. Would you let it go, already!
MAMA DOLORES: Yes, 6, and a well spoken child. Slender and fit, I might add. You just stood there like a bump on a log. Where did I go wrong? It’s no wonder you can’t keep a good woman.
PAPA JOE: Dolores, it would be nice if you took the cranberries out of the can and put them in a bowl for a change.
MAMA DOLORES: Excuse me?! You come strolling in here only 3 hours ago, turn on the boob tube, and tell me I need to do more work to appease your snoody patoody tastes. I’ll tell you where you can put the damn cranberries! Sally, when is that loser of a husband of yours going to get here?
SALLY: Ma, he’s sitting right next to me.
MAMA DOLORES: Oh, well in that case, have him pass the rolls. Wake him up first, would ya, it’s rude to sleep at the table. Let us all now join in prayer. Thank you Lord for this blessed meal with our loved ones.
Stay cool, because I still think you are hot! xo