Wednesday, March 31, 2010

TOP 10 BIGGEST AMERICAN FOOLS OF THE DAY




Preface: This is written with the primary intent of offending Americans, and especially those particular Americans listed below. Oh, did I mention that I’m part Canadian? If we apply Jewish law, I’m fully Canadian, since my mom was Canadian. Given that it’s Passover and all, let’s just say I’m a full fledged Canadian like my friend Sarah. To anyone who reads your name on this list, I apologize. I assumed you can’t read. 


1) The cop who pulled Jesse James over for speeding, only to let him off the hook when James whined about losing Sandra, in favor of a walking Nazi tattoo who weighs 50 pounds.

2) Jesse James. For attire alone, he’s a fool. If you’re going to have the paparazzi taking pictures of your every move, would you kindly wear something but farmer attire!? We know he owns one suit or was able to rent, 'cuz he wore it to the Oscars. Further, given his favorite activity, you’d think he’d wear something with easier access than overalls, if you know what I mean.
3) Tiger Woods, last seen in a Southern California bar paying James off for taking the heat for a minute so he can get back to, uh, putting.

4) Elin Nordegen. Three months since she tried to beat him – oops, excuse the typo. I mean since she tried to rescue him from a crashed vehicle - with a golf club, she’s still there to play Tiger’s happy wife. Here’s hoping you have a plan we don’t know about, girlfriend. Perhaps it involves a driving iron, a big pair of scissors, and Lorena Bobbit’s “How To” book.

5) Kate Gosselin. Okay lady with a sturdy uterus, you had our sympathy when party boy John left you with your, um, 8 kids. Did you forget that you have, um, 8 kids? Did you forget that you have even one child? Who’s watching the little soccer team while you pretend to dance on TV? Might that be…drumroll please..

6) Brangelina? Note: No explanation is forthcoming as to why Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are combined in #6, or in this universe. I’m rather sick of seeing their faces on every magazine cover in every rack in every store in every corner of the universe, or, at least, within a 5 mile radius of my little home for the past decade.

7) The inventor of mini chocolate morsels. I’m all for midget rights, but that’s pure torture.

8) The f*n b*tard in a Mercedes who rode my ass, err, my car's derriere, on the freeway this evening. We were in rush hour traffic, in the rain, and the f*n b*tard in a Mercedes kept flicking his high beams on and off. It seems I wasn’t driving fast enough at 75mph. I mean 64.5mph. I would certainly not break the law and admit to it on my blog. I wonder if the f*n b*tard in a Mercedes saw my signal (i.e. one of my fingers,the longest one that's in the middle of my left hand). I just now stopped pointing it upward, and I’ve been home for hours.
9) Joe Shmoe Standardteabagger, because, God forbid, over 30 million more Americans will be able to get medical treatment when sick. What a foolish country we are becoming.

10) YOU NOMINATE #10. Go foolishly wild here. Feel free to nominate yourself even, if you're a fool. Person with the winning nomination will get unending foolish recognition.

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY TIME!

19 comments:

  1. Robyn, if you slam on your brakes and Mercedesman hits you in the rear, isn't it his fault? Brakes Girl! That ought to slow him down and teach him a lesson.

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  2. I would like to nominate Mel Gibson for number 10 for so many reasons but mainly because I can't see his smug face without wanting to punch it. x

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  3. Great one, Kitty. I fully agree! "Fool" is too nice a word for that man. In fact, so is "man." I'll stop so as to not sway the final vote any more.

    Thanks for the advice, Ms. A. Plus, Mercedes man's gotta have good insurance, right?

    Hugs,
    Robyn

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  4. I second the nomination of Mel Gibson for calling a woman "Sugartits". Anyone who'd put sugar on a woman's boobs is a complete fool. Especially so with all the ointments and gels you can get these days.

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  5. Hmm, seems like you're a little steamed today. I agree with your list. Mind you I don't know the mercedes guy, but he seems deserving.

    I don't have a nomination, as I'm feeling generous towards humanity at the moment. Maybe tomorrow I'll curse em all to hell. Highly likely considering Aprils Fools is here.

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  6. Shouldn't John be up there with Kate? He's been kind of quiet lately, but only because Kate's been hogging the limelight....

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  8. Our Vice President for going up to a live microphone and throwing an F bomb-- to the President!!! I am all for "being real" but,, every step we make as a country is being scrutinized,, our "second in command" should be seen with class and a strong verbal prowess. As Bugs Bunny would say "What a Maroon!".

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  9. I totally disagree with #7. I love 'em. I can shove way more in my mouth than the regular ones. 8? No comment. Hmmm...my #10? I guess it'd have to be those dang "never hold the elevator door" peeps. Oh, and Rush Limbaugh...for something bad he's going to do.

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  10. Can we put Kate Gosselin on the list two times? PLEASE? Pretty Please?

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  11. Thank you all for the greatly foolish nominations thus far. Polls will be open for a day or so. Vote frequently and often.

    Good point, GB. Plus there's chocolate syrup too. What a fool he is!

    TS, yeah, I'm a bit steamed. Glad you're not, but I hope you're not getting sick again.

    ABAO, I saw John paying Jesse James off at the bar too. It seems to have been worth the money.

    Good point, IS. What a freakin' maroon!

    CB, the midgets and I still beg to differ. Thanks for 2 greatly foolish nominations.

    BB, let's just put her down 8 times. Shall we? Maybe she'll remember that 8 has some significance and that she is, um, a mother.

    Happy foolishness,
    Robyn

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  12. The f*n b*tard in a Camry who sped past a patient line of cars waiting to turn onto the freeway onramp this morning. That was me in the silver Honda, at the front of the line, sir. That was me who you almost hit whilst simultaneously speeding AND slamming on your brakes as you cut me off in an intersection. Oh, you made it onto the freeway alright, and you didn't have to wait in that dreadful line, but I still think I'll have the last laugh. One of these days you'll be speeding along, the f*n b*tard that you are, and those brakes...

    well, you've read the news.

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  13. How about Sean Connery endorsing the slapping of women on national television.
    And to later, reaffirm what he said!

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  14. I can't believe there was a day when I actually enjoyed watching John & Kate. Please don't hate on me for admitting that. It's crazy how much of a joke they've become.

    FourthGradeNothing.com

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  15. Great list, Robyn. I am with you 100% on those. I think my #10 would have to be Sarah Palin and her Tea Party posse for her inspiring "Don't retreat, reload" advice to the right-wing extremist groups. Well played!

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  16. Toca, doesn't it just make that middle finger itch being on the roads with these f*n b*tards?!

    Pat, thanks for the education. I had no idea about that sub-human Connery until I saw your comment and did research. Scary!

    Ally, hating on you is not possible. You are NOT the only one to change perspectives on this matter, perhaps just the only one brave enough to admit it. :)

    Tgoette, good nomination. Yes, Sarah and her posse definitely need mention here.

    Chocolate kisses and Easter eggs,
    Robyn

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  17. It's always some deuche in a Mercedes. By and large, Lexus and B&W owners are saints compared to Mercedes bozos.

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  18. That guy in the Mercedes isn't a fool..he's a freaking idiot!@! I'd go for Sarah Palin too, I must say..!:P

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  19. Thanks Cheeseboy and Sarah for joining my Mercedes rant, that freaking idiot bozo in his Mercedes! Wew..I feel better now.
    Cheers,
    Robyn

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