And I Wrote This Book.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Love is in Someone Else's Air and the BDFH - Part II


continued from Love..yada yada..BDFH/Blind Date From Hell - Part I.
As we sat down at the table, I hoped that my hot tea would perhaps provide a smidgen of warmth on this BDFH. To be fair, and in the lovey dovey spirit of spring time, I give him credit. He impressed me greatly. Within the next 90.5 hours (or was it minutes?) that followed, he displayed a substantial number of the traits on my checklist. The guy's quite remarkable. He accomplishes all items on my checklist of red flags.

Here's a bit of dialogue with corresponding checklist items. [Note: "Cheapskate" is already checked off.]

1) He discusses the ex in excess. It was "Marcia this, Marcia that, Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!"

2) Indication that he can't keep his pants zipped. He rather immediately informed me, “I only cheated once, with my first girlfriend. It was horrible for the relationship. I'll never do it again." (I wasn't as surprised by the fact that he shared this - though it seemed a rather peculiar first date strategy- but that there was a point in time during which 2 women were after him.)

3) Indication that he can't keep his mouth zipped. From the moment he saw me, he kept talking and talking in one longwinded neverending run on sentence kind of like this one but it was a lot longer and a lot more boring and spewed in a completely monotone and stoic manner with no break between words or sentences. Phew! At least, it gave me time to look at my watch and finish my tea. Plus, I jogged around the block and checked out the sales at the antique shop across the way. Okay, I didn't do those things but wish I had.


4) Self indulgence. He reached into his briefcase, pulling out each and every travel book he's written, showing me each and every damn Table of Contents, his favorite pictures in each and every damn book, with explanation as to why the damn photos didn't turn out better when Marcia (that darn Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!) took them, all in excruciatingly painstaking detail.

5) Indication of bigotry. Further, he advised: "I only tell racial jokes to my friends, and we know we're just joking." (Yeah, and I suppose you're not homophobic either. After all, you do occasionally watch "How I Met Your Mother" starring Neil Patrick Harris.)

6) Indication of anger issues. "I have a sharp tongue," he reported. "I’ve had many friends turned enemies because of it." (You ain't seen nothing yet dude. Oh, I'm sorry, did I just spill the rest of my hot tea on your lap?..Nah, I didn't do that either but wish I had.)

To make a long story even longer, he wasn’t rude. Well, not intentionally. It could’ve been worse. This is all to say that there is a happy ending. I mean, someone’s story’s gotta have one. Right? I suggest you check out their blog. 


As for this BDFH, it started ending when he finally said, “I’ve had a nice time. Would you like to get together again?" “Well, it feels like just a friendly connection," I responded. Dejected, he hung his head low and began shoving his many publications back into his briefcase. “Okay, this is a bit awkward,” I thought. “ Do I say something more?” “Do I plant a big wet one on his cheek as a ‘no hard feelings’ move?” “Do I go back to the counter for some chocolate?” I decided to dart the hell out of there. Aah, spring had sprung, and so had this Robyn.

26 comments:

  1. Wow. Sounds like that cat had diarrhea of the mouth. I mean... WOW.. really! Who thinks that conversation was appropriate first date talk? Yeesh.. Some guys just don't have a clue.

    BUT.. he could've been hush hush about his "quirky" ways, so at least the tool saved you from wasting any more of your time.

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  2. Wow...I've been there. It really sucks!
    The guy was very lucky that you were polite to him.
    When it happened to me, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. Slipped the waiter enough money to pay for the meals, and tiptoed out the door. You are a very nice person to have waited it out...

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  3. One more reason for me not being able to imagine the dating scene. BUT, you gotta kiss some frogs, before finding your prince. (and there are those that don't make it to the kissing point, for good reason) My prince has a brother. Too bad you are so far away, I could hook you up.

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  4. He'd make the perfect husband for one of those robot women in The Stepford Wives.

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  5. I can't believe he actually mentioned cheating on a first date. Did he actually have 'loser' tattooed on his forehead?

    At least you were able to safely escape.

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  6. Were we on a date? I have the shit of the mouth syndrome too...can't you tell? ;)

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  7. I have to remind myself not to read your funny posts while drinking something. HILARIOUS and wet for my shirt. Love the list, especially the bigotry and self-indulgence ones. DIdn't see one for excessive flirt. hmmm ; ). Love how he was all "Charlie-Brown like" when you high-tailed it outta there. classic.

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  8. Fully supporting the darting you did at the end! I shivered as I read this!

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  9. .....Ahahahahaha,,,,,,hug.....so sorry for your loss of time. Ya know I have to pay a sitter for each date. It sucks paying $30 to go home with stories like these,the last guy (in 1902) said I looked JUST like his sister and tried to put his tongue down my throat- the next second,,,huh???,,,OYE,, I usually end up at a 24 hour Walmart looking at toddler underwear or something.( I won't waste a Walmart shopping excursion without kids,,sad,, I know)...I feel ya!!! Hugs sweet "sister" of mine!!!

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  10. Aah, spring is here. And I love all my peeps (that's you). Thanks for the support, the funny comments (especially my sisterly friend, IS), and all that. I justed wanted to come home and do some blogging during that 90 hours (or was it minutes?) and re-connect with you all - and some chocolate, of course.
    Hugs,
    xoRobyn

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  11. Wow that guy sounds like a winner. I love how you said, "Marcia Marcia Marcia" all Brady Bunch style though :)

    Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing

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  12. Oh man, Robyn, I was happy when you finally wrote that you got the heck out of there!!:) This guy telling you about his ex and going on and on about himself..eww!

    NEXT!!;)

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  13. You're not going to give the angry racist talkative self-centered guy with a wandering eye another chance?

    You won't give true love a chance? Maybe you can talk about it more when he takes you for the all you can eat Sizzler salad bar. With the buy-one-get-one free coupon of course....

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  14. I feel sorry for him. I would take him under my wings, if I could. I'm just nice that way.

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  15. Darrin, good point (that he saved me time by being such an obvious tool). You're right. It could've taken years and marriage..and, well that's another story or blog of its own.

    Pat, you were kind enough to splurge for the meal before tiptoeing out. I think we're BOTH too nice!

    Ms A, thanks for thinking of me. But I love being single, relative to the options.

    GB, I don't know. Even they have standards. Right?

    TS, lol. He should've had that tatoo, but I didn't see one. Shame, since there's plenty of room (given the receding hairline and all).

    CB, so glad I made you wet your shirt. Your pants ok? ;-0

    Thanks BB. I was shivering too.

    Thanks Ally. I'm hoping everyone got that Brady Bunch reference, reference, reference.

    Thanks Sarah. And the red head is still available, but I like you too much. How about the one with no teeth? :->

    IS, looks like you've got some BDFH blogging to do yourself, hon.

    ABAO, LMAO. I love the way you combined the adjectives. Hmm, I do like Sizzler..:)

    Blase, does this compassion for the ass have anything to do with your procedure on Monday?

    Love you all,
    Robyn

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  16. He sounds like a real winner... sheesh!

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  17. I'd say this guy was my old roommate, but my roommate at least had the decency to lie about cheating.

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  18. Oh Robyn - I'm sorry you had a date from hell but I am so pleased you shared the hilarious details with us - he sounds like a total tosser! Let me know if you're ever in London, would love to get together for a good old chinwag! x

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  19. It is stories like this that make me realize how lucky I am.....What a tool! I can't believe he brought his books on a date. Who does that?

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  20. sorry...bdfh indeed! please tell me you didn't plant a wet one on his anywhere!

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  21. Sorry about the date, but delighted about the post! You're great, Robyn!

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  22. Kristy, I agree with "sheesh," to put it nicely.

    Cheeseboy, thanks for following! Yeah, it's one thing to be a cheat, but to be so stupid as to share this info - not decent at all!

    Kitty, if I'm ever bound for London, definitely. You're teaching me some great new words too (there was "prat" and now "chinwag"). Thank you, friend. xo

    Erika, yes, and IN A FRICKIN' BRIEFCASE!

    Sarah, no, no wet ones, nowhere, no way, no how.

    Thanks Tina. You are great too. Be good to you.

    Big hugs and chocolate kisses,
    Robyn

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  23. Wow! I can't believe you told everyone about our first date!
    Kidding!
    What a tool!

    Very funny post, though!

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  24. Sorry Spuds. But I didn't disclose that is was you. No one else will ever know!
    xoRobyn
    PS Thanks for joining!

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  25. ROFLMFAO this is hysterical. (thanks for the comment btw) Can we have more of these horrible first dates? looooooove it!

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  26. Thanks Mechy. You all can have as many horrible first dates as you want. Oh, I guess you meant me. Not to sound snoody, but I'm rather confident I'll have lots more BDFH stories.
    Cheers,
    Robyn

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