And I Wrote This Book.

Friday, March 26, 2010

The Day I Became A Woman


That sexy title was merely a deceptive ploy to launch my following into the 3-digits. We see how well that worked! ...I'm so sorry to let you down, dear reader. I hate to break it to you, but this is, in fact, a clean Jewish post. I promise to post the story you were expecting later. You'll have to keep following. It'll be worth it. Don't look so skeptical. Would I deceive you?

Ms. Anthropy tagged me to post a picture and tell the story. [She's the youngest, sweetest, sharpest sarcastic grandma blogger in the sphere.] With Passover looming, I pulled out my Bat Mitzvah album. As you can see, my parents were clearly intent on cutting costs. This lousy photography was probably done by Morty, my third cousin twice removed - for bad table manners during Passover and lousy photography at all the raucous Hanukah parties.

I know, look how tiny and little (and so darn cute, huh?) I am. Yet this is the day on which I became a Jewish woman. It was a couple of weeks short of my 13th birthday, a number of years short of puberty, and -well- I'll save mention of other time frames for later. I promise. Would I deceive you? [See above photo of cute, tiny, little girl with a blurry face. ]

Have you heard the saying, "Good things come in small packages?" I coined it. Those were my first words when Dr. Sayre cut the umbilical cord. The quote served me well for a number of decades, actually. Over time, though, some horrid things were packaged small, like car bombs, Anthrax, and Gary Coleman. I really regret this saying. But I was young and naive. I didn't know better.

Back to the pic, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah involves leading a service, chanting from the Torah, and - the worst part (I mean, the greatest honor)- holding the darn thing. I mean, embracing these beautiful sacred scrolls for a couple of days or seconds. Should said kid drop the Torah, oy gevalt! The entire congregation, in fact, must fast for 30 days. Can you imagine? Minor slippage amounts to sentencing your beloved spiritual network to a month-long fast. You can surely forget the huge stash of cash you did this all for. Let me stress that we're talking about a large group of Jews (those very people who've sacrificed everything, mind you, so you could make it to this glorious point in your otherwise meaningless existence, and "By the way, why aren't you married yet?") not being able to eat for a month because of you. Not a pretty concept. Not pretty at all.
On the positive note, after the ceremony, said kid gets to:
1) wait 8 years along with said kids' peers to buy alcohol;
2) wait 3 years along with said kids' peers to drive;
3) wait 12 years along with said kids' peers to rent a car; and - here's the bonus to tip the scales -
4) pray! Is said kid doing the happy horah dance now, or what?! Said kid can pray! (Certain key prayers must be recited by at least 10 adults. When said kid has had a Bar/Bat Mitzvah, said kid is said adult.)

One hurdle left, and the pressure was on. Not only did I have to hold it, I had to hold it for a long ass, I mean a righteously sacred tuchas duration. With my little but tenacious arms wrapped around that Baby, the two of us were doing just fine. Thank you very much! The audience and I were silent. Intensity pervaded the synagogue's 250 mile radius. All eyes glared anxiously at that Torah. Folks who had never prayed before began bargaining with the Almighty, Moses, Allah, Jesus, and Mr. Kotter. Family members started waging bets on the amount of time before the crash. Everyone held their breath. Their faces turned red. They crossed their fingers and toes, running out to nibble at their last bites of food for a month! I was doing just fine, people! I held tight. Still, I needed to play it safe. One does not take chances when it comes to Jews and food. That in mind, I gave the Torah just a wee little boost with my little right knee. At that moment, a loud burst of laughter filled the sanctuary. Apparently, they found this considerate, devout and well calculated maneuver rather humorous. Bastards! I mean, I shall not blame my beloved spiritual hungry community. The tension was lifted, as I boosted that Baby another half inch, still holding on for dear life. We made it through to the end, and we got to eat.

The summary of all Jewish holidays: They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat! Happy almost Passover to my Jewish friends and those who love or like us okay.

22 comments:

  1. See there, that didn't hurt too bad and it made for a good story, with a cute picture. You didn't tag anyone to suffer with you. Does that mean you are chicken, or overly nice? (and I'm not young, or sharp... just sarcastic, because I can't help it)

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  2. Thanks Ms. A. I beg to differ about you. Plus, this post was a tad agonizing. Those moments seemed like centuries. Oops, I forgot about the tagging. I dare all readers to post a picture of a spiritual or non-spiritual moment and share the story.
    Cheers,
    Robyn

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  3. I must be off. I didn't think anything dirty when I saw the title. I just assumed it was something to do with growing up. I don't know how I missed the innuendo. I hope I'm not coming down with a cold.

    You were a very cute kid. Also it's nice to know what Jewish holidays boil down too. lol

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  4. That's a big hunk of scrolls for a little girl to carry! I would have strapped them on to you to make sure. I thought the Bat Mitzah was something Bruce Wayne had to do before he became Batman.

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  5. I'm not falling for the 'blurry pic trick'.

    It is my current understanding that Gary Coleman got married for a spell. Just goes to show that there is always someone somewhere willing to love us.

    I see you have many more public followers than I do...Trust me. [tee hee]

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  6. I loved reading this story, Robyn! I don't anything about Jewish tradition and you made it really fun to read!:P

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  7. Awwwww-----thanks for sharing!!! You do indeed ROCK!!!! hugs

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  8. Blase, yes, Gary got married. She is more of a loser than he is.

    Thanks TS. I hope your cold is cured.

    GB, it's similar but different from that. Truly. Would I deceive you?

    Thanks IS and Sarah.

    Happy pre-Easter and pre-Passover!
    xoRobyn

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  9. oh boy. i hope none of your relatives are reading this, or your nice girl image will be totally ruined. :)

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  10. You had me at THE in the title. It's amazing how all bar(t) Mitzvahs mirror each other as far as the" Jews and food" factor goes. Though yours does differ with that "knee to the groin of the Torah" move. Haha. Happy PP (Pre-Passover).

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  11. Great title...
    Hilarious story...
    And I thought growing up catholic was complicated, Oy vey!

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  12. Hmph, I was expecting blog porn... you made me laugh (as usual).

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  13. Geez we love tradition don't we???

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  14. I think my lil' Jewish Blogger girl stood me up, yesterday??

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  15. Love that summary of the Jewish Holidays - happy Pesach!

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  16. I really wanna see the picture but for some reason today all of the blogspot photos are not loading for me. Weird!

    Enjoy your holiday! Between you, Ian, Jesse and Lisa, I'm telling you, I'm ready to convert :)

    Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing

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  17. haha - great story - thank you..well written.. my partner is not as jewish as she probably should be -even i knew it was Passover..lol..
    Hope its a great time for all..
    xo

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  18. Sorry Kristy. Um, stay tuned for blog porn..Yeah, would I deceive you?

    Ca88, so true. At all costs. lol

    Blase, hope you saw my comment on your blog. I'd never stand you up, babe (not purposely anyway). Trust me. Would I deceive you?

    Happy Pesach, Ian. Eat well.

    Ally, you do have a Jewish soul. I mean that as a big-time compliment, and I don't say that to many Gentiles!

    Thanks Anthony! I take it your partner is the Jewish one in your relationship. (Yes?) It tends to be the Gentile who gets the "Jew on." (My sister-in-law brings Judaism into their home more than my bro.) :)

    love and chocolate covered matzah (yummy~!)
    Robyn

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  19. You were very cute Robyn - now you're just smokin' hot! I love the insights into Jewish tradition x

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  20. They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat! lol....

    By the way, as a guy who's half Egyptian, we're super sorry about that whole enslaving you guys to build the pyramids....

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  21. Thanks Kitty. Hugs!

    ABAO, you crack me up in return. I think we're even. I mean, we subjected you all to the 10 plagues: lice, locusts, boils, and all. In fact, I owe you an apology. I'm very sorry. :)

    xoRobyn

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