And I Wrote This Book.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Super Bowl Ring Man, Part 2

We sat face to chest as he rambled. Viking Joe Kansas scored points with me: "You looked beautiful so I asked you to dance," "I'm 49" (my age then), "divorced" (me too), and that he'd played for an NFL team* decades earlier (Unlike me. I didn't make the final cut). I'd need to sleep with him to see the ring, I figured. But I'd suffocate and die in the process. It'd thus be challenging to share the story. Then again, I could be on top, but I'm afraid of heights. What to do?

"Why'd you only play for a year?" I asked.

"I got kicked off," Viking said. "There was a bad call, the refs jumped in, . . . I tore into the guy's face. But we're cool. We're buddies now," he chuckled, lifting his third beer for another swig.

Caring and helpful as I am, Viking Joe could've told me anything that night, and I'd take him home. So when he asked for a ride home because he lost his driver's license due to extreme alcohol habits, I readily agreed. "I warn you, though, I carry pepper spray." Oh yeah, that would've worked. Pretty pink covered full-proof ladies' pepper spray, tucked away in my bulging purse for moments when I need to say, 'Excuse me, sir, would you kindly keep your hands and body parts to yourself, open your eyes real wide and freeze so I can find my pretty pink pepper spray, aim, and then shoot? Thank you.'

We got to my car. I opened the passenger's door to shift the seat as far back as it would go. "I never had anyone so big in this car. The Prius is a compact."  I giggled.

"It's alright, I got it." He's still flexible, I thought, as Viking Joe settled into the carseat. 

Here's when I stop for a Public Service Announcement: No matter how caring and thoughtful she is, and no matter what kind of ring a man's hiding, or how many DUIs (Driving Under the Influence) he complains about, no female should ever get into a car with a male she don't know - especially not one built like a pregnant elephant.  

Stay tuned for the final score.

*I honestly don't remember which team he played for - NY maybe. He played pre-Internet. So you'll have to take my word, based on his word, for it. Other folks in town have told me it's true and I've since found random photo evidence.

47 comments:

  1. A fat man with anger issues and drinking and driving...sign me up:) I sound smug assed but I did go out with a guy I referred to as my alcoholic boy toy and, yes, he did drive, with a glass of whiskey and ginger between his legs. Ahhhh sweet mysteries of life...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh thank you, Birgit! Thank you for admitting that. I love it.

      Delete
  2. lmao wow, you are brave. Everything about him screams run. I hope your tires held up. Then again you could probably outrun him by walking briskly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha. "Brave and Stupid" is my middle name, Pat.

      Delete
  3. Well, at least he seemed to be honest with you. Why you are taking him home kind of throws me, though. Guess I had better stay tuned.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm a smart gal, Jono, but not when it comes to men. But he's more of the gentle giant type. I wasn't threatened.

      Delete
  4. I don't see this ending well, though I suppose since it actually got published, the worst thing that could've happened was a busted undercarriage on the Prius. You should have a "You must be under..." sign on your passenger door.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was surprised he fit fine. The Prius is roomier than it looks, CW.

      Delete
  5. True. Every instinct would scream, not to get in the car!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In my defense (?) he's kind of a big, cordial dolt. You're right, though, many red flags were slapping my face.

      Delete
  6. You're still alive, so it didn't go too badly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nah. Even though he's three times my size, Alex, I wasn't threatened. I'm much more quick witted - plus the pink pepper spray and all.

      Delete
  7. I love your request to use the pepper spray. I have no weapons of any kind because I figure they'd be grabbed out of my hand while I begged for mercy. I'm shocked you didn't make the cut for an NFL team. I was a Laker girl with Paula Abdul. I taught her everything she doesn't know.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I almost forgot to remind you that it's all right. Quit with the damn alright. I'm going to charge you $1,000 every time you use alright. I'm sure I'll be quite the wealthy woman as I take your great fortune away from you, which no doubt you'll part with quite willingly.

      Delete
    2. All right. Thank you, hon. All right. All right. Two words. Repeat. I'll get it all right someday. Is someday one word or two?

      Delete
    3. So me day is three words. Boy, you need me.

      Delete
  8. Hard to image this turning out well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Even for a man with an active imagination, right?

      Delete
  9. Sigh. Some times our loins are braver than they are sensible.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Plus, I was eating up the male attention because I'd been jilted (that story for another time). Sigh and bigger sigh.

      Delete
  10. You're braver than I would have been in the same situation. Since you're still around to tell the story, I assume it didn't go too badly. Looking forward to the next installment. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're all so nice to use the word "brave" as a euphemism for "stupid." I love that about my peeps. Thanks Connie.

      Delete
  11. I'm guessing a man his size must have worked out how to pleasure a woman without crushing her to death. Maybe you have inside information, so to speak. ;):)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We'll see about that, GB. And yeah, you'd think.

      Delete
  12. You are the epitome of living the life by challenging yourself. Wow. Aren't you one brave woman? :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. OMG I would love video coverage of an ex NFL player riding in a Prius.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I can see that big guy crammed in your little car.

    And too late. When I was younger, I did get into a car with a guy I didn't know. Twice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for admitting that, Diane. Really, though, it doesn't pay to be overly paranoid. Had I really felt threatened, I wouldn't have.

      Delete
  15. You are brave, Robyn! I would have told him to take a cab :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In retrospect, it was unmanly and kind of rude of him to ask. I'd learn later that he asked a lot of local women for rides (in their car), and probably other things that they didn't grant.

      Delete
  16. Holy Moly, Robyn...I worry for you. If you are going to be that trusting to a gargantuan man with anger issues and a drinking problem I would feel better if you had a tranquilizer gun in your purse. I would of said a shotgun but I am sure that would be bulky. A deringer might only daze him being the size of an elephant and all.

    You know I adore you and I don't want you smooshed under a pile of unworthiness. (Ok..I recognize your prepared to be on top but still...)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I appreciate it, Cheryl. It wasn't smart of me but I got good...story. Stay tuned and I hope to relieve you. Thank you, truly, for caring. Smiles.

      Delete
  17. You are one brave (crazy) lady to give a stranger a ride home. But I'd have done it. I mean, we're public servants at heart, right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Elizabeth! Yes, we give and support those in need. It's our duty. Wink.

      Delete
  18. the fact that you are posting this story does mean you survived(?!) However, I hope you aren't scarred for life... Or is he still stuck in your Prius?? Golly, what a story

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stay tuned, Joanne. That would be hilarious if he was still stuck in my Prius. Actually, I'd be horrified. Thank goodness he scrunched into and out of it fairly easily.

      Thank you.

      Delete
  19. The revoked drivers licence would have been my cue to say buh-bye. That never looks good on a c.v.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It isn't a marketable attribute, is it?
      Good point, Debra.

      Delete
  20. It's hard to see this ending well. Nice of you to share.


    www.ficklemillennial.wordpress.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The final score is still unknown, Gina.
      Smiles. Thanks for visiting.

      Delete
  21. As humans, sometimes we do things that we shouldn't. This was one of those times! At least you survived the encounter. Great writing Robyn!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Thanks so much, Pat. It means a lot. These scenes take me a while, but I love writing dialogue. And yes, we do things we shouldn't. In fact, I do things I shouldn't on a fairly regular basis. Smiles.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Wow. You're brave. Although, 10 years ago I probably would have done the same thing. And wow. Fitting into a Prius? That must have been a sight to see.

    ReplyDelete
  24. https://kdp.amazon.com/community/profile.jspa?editMode=true&userID=1424531
    https://kdp.amazon.com/community/profile.jspa?editMode=true&userID=1427388
    https://kdp.amazon.com/community/profile.jspa?editMode=true&userID=1428236
    https://tmblr.co/ZcaPoj2Bk7Kpf
    https://tmblr.co/ZcaPoj2Bk7RDQ

    ReplyDelete