I pulled into the driveway of an unimpressive home.
"Wanna come in for a minute?"
"No, I'm going home now."
"Okay, but how about stepping out of the car so I can kiss you proper?"
Endeared, flattered, curious, and drunk on the thrill of an unexpectedly weird and exciting night, I agreed.
Viking Joe Kansas dropped to his knees when I approached him. He cupped my chin in his humongous palms. Next, a rather unnatural moment of kissing occurred. Imagine a minuscule meteor shard being swallowed up by a black hole, or Moby Dick attempting to woo a sardine, or Homer Simpson attacking a donut hole covered in pink sprinkles. But Joe Kansas didn't get handsy or slobbery or anything like that. We wished each other "Good night," and I returned home safely.
Sh*t! How do I reject him? The dude ripped a guy's face off.
My phone rang at 10:30am. "I'm sorry I got carried away and started making plans for us," Joe said.
"That's nice. I appreciate it. Yeah, I'll be honest too. I just don't want to date you because of the size difference. I'd worry about my survivability."
Viking Joe Kansas unleashed a curt joyous laugh. "This was a good talk. I'll catch up with you later."
Kinda strange, yet relieving. "Okay, great." That was easy. But I'd soon learn that football players aren't chosen for their intellect. They're also not chosen for their moral values.
End Zone notes:
Game highlights: Viking Joe Kansas continued to make plays for Robyn. Robyn continued to remind him that she doesn't want to date him. She also refused to give him rides (of any sort) thereafter. He eventually stopped making passes. They'd remain cordial.
Months passed. They exchanged friendly messages here and there. In July of this year, Viking Joe contacted Robyn to share his big news: He got married. Actually, he was already married. He never divorced his wife. She wanted him back, so he said "sure." Seems he was keeping two rings hidden from view. Well that was an unexpected move to end the game!
Final Score? Let's recap:
-Viking Joe played the field while married. Added to several counts of drunk driving, and an incident wherein he attempted to rip a guy's face off, there's nothing super about Super Bowl Ring Man.
-Robyn did not play it smart, but she maintained her survivability. Plus she scored good story.
Smoke rises from the scoreboard. [It's confused.]
Coldplay rushes onto the field. Chris Martin looks lovingly at semi-conscious wife Gwyneth Paltrow and sings: "I will try to fix you!" She blows him a kiss. We cut to a Toyota commercial featuring the Prius.