Monday, October 3, 2016

Super Bowl Ring Man, Final Score

The quiet roads lacked street lights, making for a long, dark drive to Viking Joe's home. "My shared custody thing is kinda crazy," he rambled. "You'll have ta come over for dinner this week to meet my kid. I'll fry up some fish. I get my license back soon. Can't wait to do more hunting. I'll call ya tomorrow..." Oy, how badly do I wanna see that Super Bowl ring? "That's my house behind these bushes right up here."

I pulled into the driveway of an unimpressive home.

"Wanna come in for a minute?"

"No, I'm going home now."

"Okay, but how about stepping out of the car so I can kiss you proper?"

Endeared, flattered, curious, and drunk on the thrill of an unexpectedly weird and exciting night, I agreed.

Viking Joe Kansas dropped to his knees when I approached him. He cupped my chin in his humongous palms. Next, a rather unnatural moment of kissing occurred. Imagine a minuscule meteor shard being swallowed up by a black hole, or Moby Dick attempting to woo a sardine, or Homer Simpson attacking a donut hole covered in pink sprinkles. But Joe Kansas didn't get handsy or slobbery or anything like that. We wished each other "Good night," and I returned home safely.   
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NEXT MORNING:

Sh*t! How do I reject him? The dude ripped a guy's face off.

 My phone rang at 10:30am. "I'm sorry I got carried away and started making plans for us," Joe said.

"That's nice. I appreciate it. Yeah, I'll be honest too. I just don't want to date you because of the size difference. I'd worry about my survivability." 

Viking Joe Kansas unleashed a curt joyous laugh. "This was a good talk. I'll catch up with you later."

Kinda strange, yet relieving. "Okay, great." That was easy. But I'd soon learn that football players aren't chosen for their intellect. They're also not chosen for their moral values.

End Zone notes:
Game highlights: Viking Joe Kansas continued to make plays for Robyn. Robyn continued to remind him that she doesn't want to date him. She also refused to give him rides (of any sort) thereafter. He eventually stopped making passes. They'd remain cordial.
Months passed. They exchanged friendly messages here and there. In July of this year, Viking Joe contacted Robyn to share his big news: He got married. Actually, he was already married. He never divorced his wife. She wanted him back, so he said "sure." Seems he was keeping two rings hidden from view. Well that was an unexpected move to end the game!
Final Score? Let's recap:
-Viking Joe played the field while married. Added to several counts of drunk driving, and an incident wherein he attempted to rip a guy's face off, there's nothing super about Super Bowl Ring Man.
-Robyn did not play it smart, but she maintained her survivability. Plus she scored good story. 

Smoke rises from the scoreboard. [It's confused.]

Coldplay rushes onto the field. Chris Martin looks lovingly at semi-conscious wife Gwyneth Paltrow and sings: "I will try to fix you!" She blows him a kiss. We cut to a Toyota commercial featuring the Prius.

51 comments:

  1. Some days we can't ask for more than survivability and a good story. And, for the record, I think that it is alright (which the Oxford dictionary says is acceptable).

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you, EC.
      Hey, Janie, look at that. It's alright!
      Shanah Tovah, EC.

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. Sounds like sh*t to me. Kindly keep that crap to yourself, Koki.

      Delete
  3. Survival is always prerequisite to scoring a good story. You played it smart enough. I also admire your skill in painting Joe's character with an economy of brushstrokes and not making a villain out of him. I believe he was improved by your company.

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    1. Ah, thanks, Geo. I don't even dislike the guy (when a married man plays the field, I tend to wish evil upon him). He's just a really dull tack, but a well intentioned one.

      Delete
  4. Now I'm curious about his wife. Is she a big lady? But I'm glad you kept yourself out of that whale man's plankton filter.

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    1. I have the same curiosity, GB. I haven't found out. Will let you know if I run into her and what that feels like.

      Delete
  5. That was so wrong. Not cool to date while still married. Smart to call it quits early.

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    Replies
    1. It's appalling to me, Alex. A woman can't even trust a man who says he's divorced and isn't wearing a ring. That big idiot.

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  6. That was a good one to run away from and survive. Anything that makes a good story that you live through works haha

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  7. Thanks, Robyn. That Moby-Dick and sardine imagery will stay with me a looooooooong time.

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    1. Sorry, Deb. But it's a fairly clear image, right?

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  8. Loser! Besides, you don't want to date someone who could roll over and kill you.

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  9. I love the strange things that happen to me that lead to good stories. At least your football player didn't kiss you and grab your hand so you could feel his hard on (right?). That seems to be what usually happens to me when I kiss men--not that I've been running around kissing men lately. I kiss Willy Dunne Wooters and Franklin. Franklin is not interested in alternative species sex.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. Does that imply that Willy Dunne Wooters is interested in alternative species sex? I hope so.

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    2. Actually, Miss Junebug, I was wondering if that implied that you are interested in alternative species sex. Silly lady.

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  10. quite an ending. Glad you are alive and that your Prius is not stuffed with a huge man. Head high, young lady - there's someone out there who's worthy of you. Not a football goofball drunk fool. (but thanks for the laughs. You are funny!)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Joanne. You're always kind. And I'm happy to have made you laugh.

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  11. I'm not sure why his wife would want him back, but good luck to her. Glad you escaped unscathed and with your sense of humor intact.

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    1. I wonder too, Connie. I think they both go heavy on the booze.

      Thank you.

      Delete
  12. Are you trying to tell us that he wasn't a keeper?

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    Replies
    1. Haha, can't fool my readers, can I?
      Just when I thought I'd counted all the red flags, I learned he'd been hiding the biggest one of all.

      Delete
  13. Thank goodness you dodged that 300lb bullet. Talk about a wet sack of cement. I think many women have had that type of experience.

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    Replies
    1. You always make me burst into laughter, Birgit. Thank you!

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  14. You know, I think you missed your calling. You should be the one that scouts out these guys for the next girl, because it's a given you will find the guys just like this... you could make serious cash! Honestly, though, have you ever thought about playing poker? "Lucky in cards", they say...

    (Note: Facetious it is, because I can figure no sane reason why you haven't found a guy you deserve yet.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, I'm pretty good at poker and blackjack, and hearts. Dad taught me. I should stick with that, huh?

      PS Thank you. That's sweet. And there's a shortage of good men who aren't already married or dead. That's my theory.

      Delete
  15. Survival is always a good thing to look for in a relationship. Frankly I am glad it fizzled as he seems to have a bucket of problems. Still hoping you find someone worthy of you.

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  16. He sounds like a real peach. I'm glad you decided not to date him!!! Sounds like a playa.

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    Replies
    1. Yep, not the sharpest tack either. Oh, and married.

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  17. So glad you let that gigantic fish get away!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Mitchell. I'm relieved his wife reeled him back in. They likely deserve each other.

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  18. You never did say whether or not you got to see the ring!! Or did I not read closely enough and missed it?

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    1. No, Elizabeth. I'd have had to get a lot closer to him so I didn't see it. I didn't see his wedding ring either.

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  19. Thank your lucky stars! Better to be alone, than to be squished...

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    1. I love that, Pat. I'm inclined to make a plaque with your quote on it. Smiles.

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  20. I'm just glad you didn't get hurt physically or mentally. He didn't mention that he was married? Maybe he just forgot. Or something.

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    1. He thought he was a bachelor because he is/was a player who drinks like a fish. They'd separated but never even filed for divorce.

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  21. Good Lord, Robyn! It's a good thing it never went any further with that guy. What a putz. Love and hugs, friend!

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    Replies
    1. I know, Elsie. Thank you.
      Love and hugs to you, hon.

      Delete
  22. You were wise to proceed with caution, but it's still hurtful that he lied to you. His ring would've made a nice bracelet for you, but even if he wasn't married the guy still has way too much baggage. You deserve someone fun and easy going. There's always a Yom Kippur dance next week! Have a happy and healthy New Year, Robyn!

    Julie

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    Replies
    1. Good thinking, Julie - the big Yom Kippur dance. Shanah Tovah!

      Delete
  23. and here it is live, living proof...size really does matter. ;)

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  24. That's the perfect comment Rosey! Haha. Thank you.

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  25. Haha. I was so surprised that it ended so cordially, and then I kept reading....so much for that. :) I'm glad he didn't squish you for turning him down. As cute and fun as you are, I just don't think Robyn Jelly would taste good. :)

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