And I Wrote This Book.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

My Super Bowl Ring Man

I have a confession, dear sillies. It takes a lot of energy and courage to write about my love (or lack thereof) life. It's especially tricky when writing about locals. So I tend to only do this long after the fact, as with this story that's over one year old. But it's a big one, very big. I hope you enjoy.
[stolen from google images]

   Hallow's Eve threatened entry in the coming hours. I'd just been jilted (a story for another time). Following a bout of tears, I decided to venture out on my own. Damnit if I'd let a man ruin my Halloween!
   The place was packed with your standard small town, boisterous yet good natured, drunken yet "I'm just getting started" energy - taken up a notch by bloody zombies, big-bosomed nurses, stoned hippies (well that's redundant), and a costume-less but clothed me. I made it to the bar, ordered a Pepsi per my typical "wild" night out, then pressed through the crowd to stand by the dance floor. Dracula and his monstrous pals played upbeat, catchy tunes. Weird scene as expected, I told myself.

   "Do you know how to swing dance?" My face met that of a huge burly man. Actually, my face met his silver plated chest. I looked up to see a pair of friendly brown eyes beneath a two-horned Viking helmet. 
   "Um, well, not West Coast," I responded. "I can do some East Coast, but it's been a while." Viking's face constricted a bit. It seemed I'd confused him by an overload of information. Yet he held out a huge palm to take my hand.
   Next, I was slipping and sliding on the wood paneled dance-floor, laughing hysterically. Viking swung and flung me from side to side and all around. I hung tight and aimed at one goal: to not fall on my butt. Then I fell on my butt. Sh*t! Viking abruptly swooped me up and resumed slinging me around. I then realized what he meant by  "swing dancing."  Thankfully, eventually, the outrageously fun and incredibly awkward dance ended. He suggested we sit and chat.

   As I climbed onto a bar stool, Viking introduced himself. "I'm Joe, Joe Kansas," he said. Frankenstein walked by with a "Hey Joe." I'd soon learn that Viking Joe Kansas is 6 ft, 5 inches tall and weighs 300 pounds. [Mind you, that's approximately three of me.] The bartender, a Dolly Parton wannabe, glanced our way. "What can I get ya, Joe?" He told Dolly that he'd take another Corona and asked what I'd like.
   "Thank you, I'm good, still sipping my soda," I smiled. "You seem to know a lot of people here."
    "Yeah," Viking Joe Kansas said casually, "I'm kinda well known. I used to play for the NFL. And well, I actually have a Super Bowl Ring." Whoa! 
   He didn't wear the ring, he'd confess, because his fingers got too big (i.e., fat) for it. The man was clearly either a football player or a monstrous refrigerator, so I didn't doubt him. Instead, I'd enjoy flirting with him . . . to be continued.

46 comments:

  1. You could probably wear his ring as your belt.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Haha, true, Janie - with room for me to eat a full dinner.

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  2. I know it doesn't end well - but I am still anxious for the next installment.

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  3. Robyn, I'm already hooked here. You got me with the 1st photo of guys in fleur-de-lis hats. That is the symbol I wore across this great nation on my Boy Scout uniform in 1964 --posted Sept.18 on "Trainride of The Enigmas"-- only my hat then was a garrison cap. I hope your story about Joe Kansas ends happily. I have relatives in the South who are gigantic but never danced with them for fear of getting stepped on. So far, Mr. Kansas sounds considerate and congenial. I too await further installments.

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    1. He's actually a pretty good dancer, aside from my falling on my butt incident, but that was my falling on my butt incident.

      Thanks, Geo and EC.

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  4. Are you a magnet for big guys, Robyn? I remember you telling us about a 6 foot 5 inch Marine who approached you on a dating site. And this fellow would have looked even bigger with his horns!

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  5. Not his real name I assume?
    He could've hiked you up under one arm and carried you like a football.

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    1. How about Viking Joe putting Robyn in the Heisman Trophy pose? That would have been a hoot.

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    2. Oh my, Ale and JKIR, thank you! Your comments are evoking loud laughter from this 4'8" woman.

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    3. PS No. Not even a clever rip off of Joe Montana's real name, Alex.

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  6. I can only imagine the amount of courage it takes to share your love life. Terrifying, but it makes for such awesome stories, so thank you for sharing. (Can't wait for the continuation!)

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  7. Joe Kansas? Is he Joe Montana's cousin?

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    1. That's what I'd like you to think, Debra. Either that or Joe Montana in the flesh (dressed as a Viking). =)

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  8. dancing with the stars, it's not. Good story so far. Oh boy!

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  9. If it's a year old, I take it he didn't pick you up and take you to the end zone? Maybe a field goal?

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    1. Stay tuned, Pat. Perhaps he'll make a pass and fumble? Or will he score? The clock is running...

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  10. "I actually have a Super Bowl Ring." I wonder if it would work as well if it were me and I said, "I have a 12 inch penis."? Hypothetical, of course, as I don't have either (no, it's not 12 inches no matter what you heard). Darn!

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    1. That's okay, Jono. No worries. I heard that it's 10.5 inches.

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  11. Ah he must have been a lineman. I have a soft spot for lineman. I'll be anxiously awaiting the rest of the story!

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    1. Yes, a lineman. Years ago. Your son's a lineman, yes?
      Thank you, Elizabeth.

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  12. A giant, swing-dancing football player? I'm hooked. Eager to hear the end of the story. :)

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  13. He was a for real former NFL player w/ a superbowl ring?

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    1. Yes, true story, JoJo. Isn't it outrageous that I'd happen to meet him? I think that things like this happen to me for the sake of good . . . story.

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  14. "I have a Super Bowl ring. I wear it on my penis. Wanna shine it up?""


    Oops, this isn't the e-date post. My bad.

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    1. Haha, Chris. All the years I've done on-line dating, I never saw THAT line before.

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  15. I wonder where this will all lead....

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    1. A touchdown? The end zone? 50 yard line? or a mere punt? We shall see.

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  16. There's West Coast and East Coast swing dancing? I never knew that.

    As for this big Joe person. 6'5" and 300 lbs! That is a whole lotta man. I am eager to hear the rest.

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    1. Yeah, big is usually a good thing, Cheryl, but that's just too big for me.

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  17. Swing dance?
    I may have seen something like that on a porn site.
    Errrr, I mean my FRIEND may have seen it.

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    1. And you, errrr your FRIEND, could've had many many partners, Al.

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  18. I'm so curious about what happens next with this mountain-sized man!

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  19. You fell on your butt? Joe, Joe Kansas flubbed his first pass. Hope the second one was completed.

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    1. I know, Mitchell. Joe, Joe Kansas better tighten his grip if he wants to score.

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  20. I knew what he meant by swing since I watch dancing With The Stars but it sounds like he doesn't have a dancer's body:) I would have ended on my butt as well and I may have even been in a pretzel like position. It sounds like ...should I dare say...Norm from cheers

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    1. He kinda does resemble Norm from Cheers, Birgit - a fast and strong version of Norm, at least. Then again, I'm faster and strong than Norm! Who isn't? Haha.

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  21. I assume that "Joe Kansas" wasn't a Minnesota Viking, cause they haven't won a Super Bowl. Whoever he is, I'm intrigued! Looking forward to part 2 :-)

    The Pedestrian Writer

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    1. You're wise to the ways of football, Chris. I'm not, but I'll be posting Part 2 soon.

      Thanks for the comment and follow. It's much appreciated!

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  22. I always wonder why these gigantic guys have such a fascination with tiny women. Like, most 200-something lb. quarterbacks don't want one of these monsters on top of them because it hurts so much. How painful would that be if you're a woman who's half that QB's size being smothered by one of these guys?

    I'm just gonna leave this here.
    http://i40.tinypic.com/23v0wlw.jpg

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    1. Good lord. That's me and him - only darker versions. Yeah, he seemed really determined to make things work with me BECAUSE of my height. What a weirdo.

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  23. Well, at least it got off to an okay start! (I'm reading backwards). You are so funny...

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  24. I'm really sad that this story is already doomed...I'm anxious to see what goes wrong.

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  25. Not that I take pleasure in your misery. That sentence sounded very off. Sorry!

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