VOTE
FOR YOUR FAVORITE HUMOROUS VALENTINE’S HATE.
Polls
will close at midnight on Saturday, 2/13.
WINNER
WILL RECEIVE A VERY SWEET PACKAGE.
(Please excuse weird extra column of numbers. Due to budget cuts, our studio recycled ballots from Florida. Thank you.)
You love me.
I love me.
Isn't it nice that we have something in common?
I love me.
Isn't it nice that we have something in common?
2 2)
Elephant's Child
Surrounded by men who believe that they could get knotted, this
Valentines Day I may take up macrame.
Fuck everybody.
Love,
Janie
Love,
Janie
Al Penwasser,
#5-7
5 5)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Me with no skivvies?
PU
Violets are blue
Me with no skivvies?
PU
6 6) A Valentine Haiku
(Assuming 'chocolate' has only two syllables, instead of three. I mean, what kinda freak says, 'Choc-o-lates'?)
Dozen red roses
Box of milk and dark chocolates
Just me and my hand
(Assuming 'chocolate' has only two syllables, instead of three. I mean, what kinda freak says, 'Choc-o-lates'?)
Dozen red roses
Box of milk and dark chocolates
Just me and my hand
7 7) As Valentines approaches
I wonder what I'll see.
Probably stern reproaches.
Because the only one who comes?
Is me.
I wonder what I'll see.
Probably stern reproaches.
Because the only one who comes?
Is me.
9 9) Elsie Amata
Poor Cam you got sacked
in the process your shoulder looked jacked
I'm sorry that your team got beat
and you walked off the field in defeat
at least your team made it to the big game
my team, the Giants didn't, how very lame
no Super Bowl ring for …See last post to read the end of this one. I’ve cut it at 50 words. Rules and all. Poor Cam.
in the process your shoulder looked jacked
I'm sorry that your team got beat
and you walked off the field in defeat
at least your team made it to the big game
my team, the Giants didn't, how very lame
no Super Bowl ring for …See last post to read the end of this one. I’ve cut it at 50 words. Rules and all. Poor Cam.
1 10) Jono It's
meant for Martha.
Good Riddance Valentine
Oh, how I hate thee so
You’re like a dung beetle
In clean white snow
Your voice sets me a wailin’
With a shriek like Sarah Palin
With hatred I get my fill
From your breath of old roadkill
And with this final word
I flush thee like a turd
Good Riddance Valentine
Oh, how I hate thee so
You’re like a dung beetle
In clean white snow
Your voice sets me a wailin’
With a shriek like Sarah Palin
With hatred I get my fill
From your breath of old roadkill
And with this final word
I flush thee like a turd
11) Pat Hatt On this loving day
I'm sorry but we're through
With myself I'd rather play
While I search for someone new
Some advice you have earned,
So here it is in full
Your skin would not be burned,
If you hadn't rode that bull.
I'm sorry but we're through
With myself I'd rather play
While I search for someone new
Some advice you have earned,
So here it is in full
Your skin would not be burned,
If you hadn't rode that bull.
1 13)
Connie
Valentine's Day Veto
Some are stressed,
trying to prove their love,
to pass some unwritten test.
Those who are alone are made to feel
that their lives are somehow less.
Don't bring me any roses,
no heart-shaped chocolates or jewels.
Valentine’s Day is nothing but
a made-up day for fools.
Some are stressed,
trying to prove their love,
to pass some unwritten test.
Those who are alone are made to feel
that their lives are somehow less.
Don't bring me any roses,
no heart-shaped chocolates or jewels.
Valentine’s Day is nothing but
a made-up day for fools.
I have to go with fishducky's, lol. #1
ReplyDeleteAl had me laughing out loud. So I'm voting for #5.
ReplyDeleteI say number eight - short and to the point!
ReplyDeleteI like #12.
ReplyDelete#5 gets my vote
ReplyDelete#8 because it made me laugh with just a few words.
ReplyDeleteoh Al, he just takes V-Day to another level. I liked 5 and 7 - a double dose
ReplyDelete#8 gets my vote. #s13 and 10 are first and second runners up.
ReplyDeleteI love that votes are all over the place. It's going to be a tight race, and we didn't even caucus. And, AlPenwasser, I didn't even spell that: "cock-us."
ReplyDeleteThanks for doing your civic duty and casting the first slew of votes, my friends.
#4 Janie
ReplyDeleteShort, succinct, to the point.
And it uses the word 'fuck.'
Thank you, Penwusser.
DeleteLove,
Janie
Love #8!
ReplyDeleteI like Connie's entry best.
ReplyDeleteThere's a Clinton double entendre there.
DeleteDid he have an intern named Connie? Did she used a cigar? Eww!
DeleteI vote for #13, Connie's. Valentines is a Hallmark Holiday meant to increase sales in cards, chocolates, jewellery, and other frivolous items. . .
ReplyDeleteElephant's Child (#2) had me laughing out loud with the macramé! You have to have grown up in the 70s to really appreciate that :)
ReplyDeleteWhew, it's too close to call, still early, and the candidates are working up a sweat. I love it! Thank you, fine citizens.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to top the brutal, unsentimental honesty of Al Penwasser's #6 "just me and my hand" or the sweeping Shakespearean grandeur of Jono's #10 "I flush thee like a turd," BUT as usual Janie Junebug has buried the competition with her straight-to-the-point mixed message of #4. She gets my vote!
ReplyDeleteHey, I'm the only man I'll allow to touch Little Al.
DeleteIt's so hard (add giggle) to choose. But Janie made me snort my tea, so I have to give her the nod. Though, Pat's plan to play by himself after she rode the bull was impressive.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but fuck you anyway.
DeleteLove,
Janie
Yes, Pat deserves some nods. His is great.
DeleteIt's difficult to read Janie's without snorting something.
#1 FishDucky!
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome. I'm banning all those stupid delegates (or is it super delegates?) too. Keep voting, people. Please spread the word. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI vote for Elizabeth, #8. Hard to choose--so many good ones. :)
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of double entendres...
Delete14. For the non-circumsized half.
ReplyDeleteGood tip.
DeleteStop it! I can't stop laughing.
Delete13 is a good way to put it!
ReplyDeleteY'know, as a strong proponent of Valentine's Day, I have to vote for the lesser of the negative poems. And for minimalism, I have to vote for Janie Junebug.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Pickleopie.
Delete#8 :)
ReplyDeleteWhat fun! I like a lot of these, but have to vote for #10. (Only YOU would think of having an anti-Valentine's Day contest. That's our girl!)
ReplyDeleteHave a super weekend.
You too, Susan. Thanks for stopping by to vote.
DeleteI'm voting for Penwasser out of loyalty, even though the last word is in Mandarin.
ReplyDeleteAh so.
DeleteHey Robyn,
ReplyDeleteOh my, I thought the efforts could have been a bit more cynical. Sheesh! :)
I shall vote for number 4 and the ever lovable Janie. Although, "Fuck everybody", may well imply a bit of a love fest, after all. Oh, I fucking love irony.
Gary
I fucking love fucking. Everybody.
DeleteLove,
Janie
I love Janie because she has used one of my favourite swear words:)
ReplyDeleteI know, right?
DeleteBirgit, you are my sister in Christ. By any chance, are you a . . . Lutheran?
DeleteLove,
Janie
I want to party with the Lutherans, the cute male ones.
DeleteThere's no such thing as a cute male Lutheran.
DeleteAl Penwaser, ha ha.
ReplyDeleteThat's normally the reaction I get from women.
DeleteAnd that they don't do miniatures.
I liked Delores' short and sweet slice of married life. I also enjoyed Connie's creative Veto to the Hallmark holiday. Sadly, Al is still clinging to his 2014 Anti-Valentine's Day trophy, and I can't imagine what would happen if he had to give up his crown. He certainly deserves an "A" for effort by writing two poems and a Haiku. You really gotta give the guy a hand...well, you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteJulie
I gave myself a hand.
DeleteThe bathroom door was locked, of course.
OK, I was shooting for a limerick but most of my poetry just gets long winded. Here is my thought..Valentine’s Day Bust
ReplyDeleteHe sat on his chair, immersed in despair
As he pondered the path of his life.
It didn’t seem fair, being only one in a pair
when all his buddies had acquired a wife.
But then he heard ‘her”, though her speech was a slur “Honey, would you buy me a beer?
His vision quite hazey, am maybe it’s crazy,
But he said “Let’s get out of here.”
WELL…He awoke in a bed with a pain in his head
The events of the night but a blur
He looked to the right to a troubling sight.
The parts he saw weren’t a “her”.
Yep, not to be crude but the babe was a dude.
This isn’t quite what he thought it should be.
He might of got laid, but mistakes had been made.
His dream women was clearly a “he.
So if you are in a bar and your drunker too far
for choosing your companion for life
If you’re wanting a chick make sure there’s no d…
Well…Depending on what you want in a wife.
L...O...L...A
DeleteLola.
I met her in a club down in old Soho
DeleteWhere you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry-cola [LP version: Coca-Cola]
See-oh-el-aye cola
She walked up to me and she asked me to dance
I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said Lola
El-oh-el-aye Lola la-la-la-la Lola
Well I'm not the world's most physical guy
But when she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine
Oh my Lola la-la-la-la Lola
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
Why she walked like a woman and talked like a man
Oh my Lola la-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola
Well we drank champagne and danced all night
Under electric candlelight
She picked me up and sat me on her knee
And said dear boy won't you come home with me
Well I'm not the world's most passionate guy
But when I looked in her eyes well I almost fell for my Lola
La-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola
Lola la-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola
I pushed her away
I walked to the door
I fell to the floor
I got down on my knees
Then I looked at her and she at me
Well that's the way that I want it to stay
And I always want it to be that way for my Lola
La-la-la-la Lola
Girls will be boys and boys will be girls
It's a mixed up muddled up shook up world except for Lola
La-la-la-la Lola
Well I left home just a week before
And I'd never ever kissed a woman before
But Lola smiled and took me by the hand
And said dear boy I'm gonna make you a man
Well I'm not the world's most masculine man
But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man
And so is Lola
La-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola
Lola la-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola
Great poem. Love to be reminded of Lola.
Love,
Janie
Never in my weirdest fantasies would I have envision someone would comment with the entire lyrical saga of La-la-la-la-la-la Lola.
DeleteI never knew the story, either. I just always sang the La-la-la-la-la Lola part. Ah, ignorance WAS bliss.
I love you people, and I love your too-late, sorry entry, Cheryl! You're amazing. I don't know what to do with all these write-in comments, good citizens. Please specify your one clear vote, so I don't have to send all the hanging chads and Als to Florida. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI had hanging chads once. Oooh, the chafing.
DeleteI love Janie's upfront stance, a stance we both share heartily, but ultimately as a fan of self deprecating humor I've got to give a hand... to Al and his hand. Figuratively, of course. I'm sure he's got that all handled on his own.
ReplyDeleteLooks like Al's the winner, hands down... er, off... or up.... or whatever.
DeleteYour comments make me blush.
DeleteAct now, avoid the rush.
We all must take a stance
for our hands in our pants.
Silly me, I thought the entries were open thru Sat.at midnight... but clearly I'm an idiot. No problem, I vote for Janie as well. Love the fact it get's right to the point with minimal words.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Thanks to everyone who loves the word fuck.
DeleteLove,
Janie
Cheryl, you're not at all an idiot. Your limerick is most original. I feel badly that I had to disqualify it, along with Elsie's tribute to Cam, which is hysterical. Those were two of the best, so I think I will showcase them regardless. Thank you!
ReplyDeletePS POLLS ARE STILL OPEN. ONE PERON, ONE VOTE! DO YOUR CIVIC DUTY. YOU NEED NOT BE AN AMERICAN CITIZEN. IF YOU ARE, YOU NEED NOT ADMIT THIS. I only ask that you're a follower. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteWINNER WILL BE ANNOUNCED MONDAY!
Did I vote? If I didn't, then I vote for Janie Junebug because she's such a good-hearted Christian woman.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Anonymous
She's like the Mother Theresa of blogland, isn't she? I'm in awe.
DeleteSoon she'll be a saint, and she's not even a Catholic.
DeleteI'm sorry. I signed in with the wrong account. No such person as "Jane Goltz" exists. Janie Junebug rules the world--grammatically and otherwise.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
How'd you get so many different IDs? The DMV only takes one lousy photo of me.
DeleteI have my way, darling. Oh yes, I have my ways.
DeleteI like Jono's a lot, but my heart remains with Janie Junebug, and no I'm not trying to stuff the ballot box. I'm still Anonymous.
ReplyDeleteMy heart remains with Jono, but I like Janie's a lot too, so I can't fault you, Anonymous.
DeleteI vote for Janie Junebug because she asked me to.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Joanne. Now, kindly forward a large box of swiss chocolates, since I asked you to.
DeleteSmiles. =)
#4 a vote for Janie Junebug because only someone who had a very bad day would write that ! She needs the chocolate.
ReplyDeletecheers, parsnip
Either that or a devout Lutheran.
DeleteThanks, angryparsnip.
I vote for #4. Janie's entry made me laugh. I wasn't expecting it and that's the best. Plus it's succinct. Love that word anyway...it's so versatile. And I've definitely had my share of Those days.
ReplyDeleteMichele at Angels Bark
Thank you, Michele. It's really difficult to read it without laughing.
DeleteAww man I totally missed this but if I had to vote, I'd go with No. 5! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Yvonne. You got here before we closed the polls, so your vote counts. Yippee!
DeleteI vote no#8.
ReplyDeleteSorry, Michelle. You snuck your ballot in after the polls closed. But if a tie-breaker is needed, the committee will deliberate and caucus and as for Obama's nomination and...it may take a while. But we do appreciate your vote at this fine democratic, communistic, dictatorial establishment.
DeleteI'm glad I didn't have to vote! That would be hard. But...I think #1 is my favorite.
ReplyDelete