And I Wrote This Book.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! ANTI-VALENTINE's GIVEAWAY!



VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE HUMOROUS VALENTINE’S HATE.
Polls will close at midnight on Saturday, 2/13.
WINNER WILL RECEIVE A VERY SWEET PACKAGE.
(Please excuse weird extra column of numbers. Due to budget cuts, our studio recycled ballots from Florida. Thank you.)
 
1    1)  fishducky  
You love me.
I love me.
Isn't it nice that we have something in common?

2    2)  Elephant's Child
Surrounded by men who believe that they could get knotted, this Valentines Day I may take up macrame.

3    3) Yvonne
Dear Cupid, you're stupid. Just die but don't forget my chocolate. Love, me.

4       4) Janie Junebug
Fuck everybody.
Love,
Janie

Al Penwasser, #5-7
5    5)  Roses are red
Violets are blue
Me with no skivvies?
PU
6   6) A Valentine Haiku
(Assuming 'chocolate' has only two syllables, instead of three. I mean, what kinda freak says, 'Choc-o-lates'?)
Dozen red roses
Box of milk and dark chocolates
Just me and my hand

7   7) As Valentines approaches
I wonder what I'll see.
Probably stern reproaches.
Because the only one who comes?
Is me.


8   8) Elizabeth Seckman Love is in the air. Be sure to wear a mask.

9    9) Elsie Amata  Poor Cam you got sacked
in the process your shoulder looked jacked
I'm sorry that your team got beat
and you walked off the field in defeat
at least your team made it to the big game
my team, the Giants didn't, how very lame
no Super Bowl ring for
 …See last post to read the end of this one. I’ve cut it at 50 words. Rules and all. Poor Cam. 
1    10) Jono It's meant for Martha.
Good Riddance Valentine

Oh, how I hate thee so
You’re like a dung beetle
In clean white snow
Your voice sets me a wailin’
With a shriek like Sarah Palin
With hatred I get my fill
From your breath of old roadkill
And with this final word
I flush thee like a turd

    11) Pat Hatt On this loving day
I'm sorry but we're through
With myself I'd rather play
While I search for someone new
Some advice you have earned,
So here it is in full
Your skin would not be burned,
If you hadn't rode that bull.

1     12)   Delores "It's Valentines Day. I'll ignore it if you will."

1    13)   Connie
Valentine's Day Veto

Some are stressed,
trying to prove their love,
to pass some unwritten test.
Those who are alone are made to feel
that their lives are somehow less.
Don't bring me any roses,
no heart-shaped chocolates or jewels.
Valentine’s Day is nothing but
a made-up day for fools.

1    14) Geo. I'm still waiting for Lupercalia to come back so I can run naked down the road.

81 comments:

  1. I have to go with fishducky's, lol. #1

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  2. Al had me laughing out loud. So I'm voting for #5.

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  3. I say number eight - short and to the point!

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  4. #8 because it made me laugh with just a few words.

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  5. oh Al, he just takes V-Day to another level. I liked 5 and 7 - a double dose

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  6. #8 gets my vote. #s13 and 10 are first and second runners up.

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  7. I love that votes are all over the place. It's going to be a tight race, and we didn't even caucus. And, AlPenwasser, I didn't even spell that: "cock-us."

    Thanks for doing your civic duty and casting the first slew of votes, my friends.

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  8. #4 Janie
    Short, succinct, to the point.
    And it uses the word 'fuck.'

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  9. Replies
    1. There's a Clinton double entendre there.

      Delete
    2. Did he have an intern named Connie? Did she used a cigar? Eww!

      Delete
  10. I vote for #13, Connie's. Valentines is a Hallmark Holiday meant to increase sales in cards, chocolates, jewellery, and other frivolous items. . .

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  11. Elephant's Child (#2) had me laughing out loud with the macramé! You have to have grown up in the 70s to really appreciate that :)

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  12. Whew, it's too close to call, still early, and the candidates are working up a sweat. I love it! Thank you, fine citizens.

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  13. It's hard to top the brutal, unsentimental honesty of Al Penwasser's #6 "just me and my hand" or the sweeping Shakespearean grandeur of Jono's #10 "I flush thee like a turd," BUT as usual Janie Junebug has buried the competition with her straight-to-the-point mixed message of #4. She gets my vote!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, I'm the only man I'll allow to touch Little Al.

      Delete
  14. It's so hard (add giggle) to choose. But Janie made me snort my tea, so I have to give her the nod. Though, Pat's plan to play by himself after she rode the bull was impressive.

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    Replies
    1. I'm sorry, but fuck you anyway.

      Love,
      Janie

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    2. Yes, Pat deserves some nods. His is great.

      It's difficult to read Janie's without snorting something.

      Delete
  15. This is awesome. I'm banning all those stupid delegates (or is it super delegates?) too. Keep voting, people. Please spread the word. Thank you!

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  16. I vote for Elizabeth, #8. Hard to choose--so many good ones. :)

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  17. 14. For the non-circumsized half.

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  18. Y'know, as a strong proponent of Valentine's Day, I have to vote for the lesser of the negative poems. And for minimalism, I have to vote for Janie Junebug.

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  19. What fun! I like a lot of these, but have to vote for #10. (Only YOU would think of having an anti-Valentine's Day contest. That's our girl!)

    Have a super weekend.

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    Replies
    1. You too, Susan. Thanks for stopping by to vote.

      Delete
  20. I'm voting for Penwasser out of loyalty, even though the last word is in Mandarin.

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  21. Hey Robyn,

    Oh my, I thought the efforts could have been a bit more cynical. Sheesh! :)

    I shall vote for number 4 and the ever lovable Janie. Although, "Fuck everybody", may well imply a bit of a love fest, after all. Oh, I fucking love irony.

    Gary

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    Replies
    1. I fucking love fucking. Everybody.

      Love,
      Janie

      Delete
  22. I love Janie because she has used one of my favourite swear words:)

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    Replies
    1. Birgit, you are my sister in Christ. By any chance, are you a . . . Lutheran?

      Love,
      Janie

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    2. I want to party with the Lutherans, the cute male ones.

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    3. There's no such thing as a cute male Lutheran.

      Delete
  23. Replies
    1. That's normally the reaction I get from women.
      And that they don't do miniatures.

      Delete
  24. I liked Delores' short and sweet slice of married life. I also enjoyed Connie's creative Veto to the Hallmark holiday. Sadly, Al is still clinging to his 2014 Anti-Valentine's Day trophy, and I can't imagine what would happen if he had to give up his crown. He certainly deserves an "A" for effort by writing two poems and a Haiku. You really gotta give the guy a hand...well, you know what I mean.

    Julie

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    Replies
    1. I gave myself a hand.
      The bathroom door was locked, of course.

      Delete
  25. OK, I was shooting for a limerick but most of my poetry just gets long winded. Here is my thought..Valentine’s Day Bust

    He sat on his chair, immersed in despair
    As he pondered the path of his life.
    It didn’t seem fair, being only one in a pair
    when all his buddies had acquired a wife.

    But then he heard ‘her”, though her speech was a slur “Honey, would you buy me a beer?
    His vision quite hazey, am maybe it’s crazy,
    But he said “Let’s get out of here.”

    WELL…He awoke in a bed with a pain in his head
    The events of the night but a blur
    He looked to the right to a troubling sight.
    The parts he saw weren’t a “her”.

    Yep, not to be crude but the babe was a dude.
    This isn’t quite what he thought it should be.
    He might of got laid, but mistakes had been made.
    His dream women was clearly a “he.

    So if you are in a bar and your drunker too far
    for choosing your companion for life
    If you’re wanting a chick make sure there’s no d…
    Well…Depending on what you want in a wife.

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    Replies
    1. I met her in a club down in old Soho
      Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry-cola [LP version: Coca-Cola]
      See-oh-el-aye cola
      She walked up to me and she asked me to dance
      I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said Lola
      El-oh-el-aye Lola la-la-la-la Lola

      Well I'm not the world's most physical guy
      But when she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine
      Oh my Lola la-la-la-la Lola
      Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
      Why she walked like a woman and talked like a man
      Oh my Lola la-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola

      Well we drank champagne and danced all night
      Under electric candlelight
      She picked me up and sat me on her knee
      And said dear boy won't you come home with me
      Well I'm not the world's most passionate guy
      But when I looked in her eyes well I almost fell for my Lola
      La-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola
      Lola la-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola
      I pushed her away
      I walked to the door
      I fell to the floor
      I got down on my knees
      Then I looked at her and she at me

      Well that's the way that I want it to stay
      And I always want it to be that way for my Lola
      La-la-la-la Lola
      Girls will be boys and boys will be girls
      It's a mixed up muddled up shook up world except for Lola
      La-la-la-la Lola

      Well I left home just a week before
      And I'd never ever kissed a woman before
      But Lola smiled and took me by the hand
      And said dear boy I'm gonna make you a man

      Well I'm not the world's most masculine man
      But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man
      And so is Lola
      La-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola
      Lola la-la-la-la Lola la-la-la-la Lola


      Great poem. Love to be reminded of Lola.

      Love,
      Janie

      Delete
    2. Never in my weirdest fantasies would I have envision someone would comment with the entire lyrical saga of La-la-la-la-la-la Lola.
      I never knew the story, either. I just always sang the La-la-la-la-la Lola part. Ah, ignorance WAS bliss.

      Delete
  26. I love you people, and I love your too-late, sorry entry, Cheryl! You're amazing. I don't know what to do with all these write-in comments, good citizens. Please specify your one clear vote, so I don't have to send all the hanging chads and Als to Florida. Thank you!

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    Replies
    1. I had hanging chads once. Oooh, the chafing.

      Delete
  27. I love Janie's upfront stance, a stance we both share heartily, but ultimately as a fan of self deprecating humor I've got to give a hand... to Al and his hand. Figuratively, of course. I'm sure he's got that all handled on his own.

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    Replies
    1. Looks like Al's the winner, hands down... er, off... or up.... or whatever.

      Delete
    2. Your comments make me blush.
      Act now, avoid the rush.
      We all must take a stance
      for our hands in our pants.

      Delete
  28. Silly me, I thought the entries were open thru Sat.at midnight... but clearly I'm an idiot. No problem, I vote for Janie as well. Love the fact it get's right to the point with minimal words.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. Thanks to everyone who loves the word fuck.

      Love,
      Janie

      Delete
  29. Cheryl, you're not at all an idiot. Your limerick is most original. I feel badly that I had to disqualify it, along with Elsie's tribute to Cam, which is hysterical. Those were two of the best, so I think I will showcase them regardless. Thank you!

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  30. PS POLLS ARE STILL OPEN. ONE PERON, ONE VOTE! DO YOUR CIVIC DUTY. YOU NEED NOT BE AN AMERICAN CITIZEN. IF YOU ARE, YOU NEED NOT ADMIT THIS. I only ask that you're a follower. Thank you!

    WINNER WILL BE ANNOUNCED MONDAY!

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  31. Did I vote? If I didn't, then I vote for Janie Junebug because she's such a good-hearted Christian woman.

    Love,
    Anonymous

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    Replies
    1. She's like the Mother Theresa of blogland, isn't she? I'm in awe.

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    2. Soon she'll be a saint, and she's not even a Catholic.

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  32. I'm sorry. I signed in with the wrong account. No such person as "Jane Goltz" exists. Janie Junebug rules the world--grammatically and otherwise.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. How'd you get so many different IDs? The DMV only takes one lousy photo of me.

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    2. I have my way, darling. Oh yes, I have my ways.

      Delete
  33. I like Jono's a lot, but my heart remains with Janie Junebug, and no I'm not trying to stuff the ballot box. I'm still Anonymous.

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    Replies
    1. My heart remains with Jono, but I like Janie's a lot too, so I can't fault you, Anonymous.

      Delete
  34. I vote for Janie Junebug because she asked me to.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Joanne. Now, kindly forward a large box of swiss chocolates, since I asked you to.
      Smiles. =)

      Delete
  35. #4 a vote for Janie Junebug because only someone who had a very bad day would write that ! She needs the chocolate.

    cheers, parsnip

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    Replies
    1. Either that or a devout Lutheran.
      Thanks, angryparsnip.

      Delete
  36. I vote for #4. Janie's entry made me laugh. I wasn't expecting it and that's the best. Plus it's succinct. Love that word anyway...it's so versatile. And I've definitely had my share of Those days.

    Michele at Angels Bark

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Michele. It's really difficult to read it without laughing.

      Delete
  37. Aww man I totally missed this but if I had to vote, I'd go with No. 5! :)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Yvonne. You got here before we closed the polls, so your vote counts. Yippee!

      Delete
  38. Replies
    1. Sorry, Michelle. You snuck your ballot in after the polls closed. But if a tie-breaker is needed, the committee will deliberate and caucus and as for Obama's nomination and...it may take a while. But we do appreciate your vote at this fine democratic, communistic, dictatorial establishment.

      Delete
  39. I'm glad I didn't have to vote! That would be hard. But...I think #1 is my favorite.

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