We ignored Al's fly and found a three-sided coin in order to fairly determine the winner. Al Penwasser, Elizabeth Seckman, and Janie Junebug fought a spirited battle for the title. They were even seen sharing spirits.
"Quit backwashing, Al. I hate sloppy seconds!" Janie shouted.
Elizabeth politely declined, stating, "No thank you. I never drink." She then snuck backstage for a shot of vodka.
Al suddenly ran into the restroom. Our crew tried to open the door to see if he was okay, but it was locked. Hm, strange.
We left Al alone and watched eagerly as stagehand Macaulay Culkin kept tossing the coin. It repeatedly landed in Hillary's favor. Hm, strange.
Alas, we decided to end the madness by counting ballots. But we needed to first discard all of Janie Junebug's repeat votes. Our high-security team deciphered these because a set of ballots had this statement written across the back: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Janie Junebug, in exchange for a vote." Hm, strange.
And the winner of a very sweet package is...