And I Wrote This Book.

Monday, February 15, 2016

Announcing the Winner! Anti-Valentines Giveaway

What a wild ride this giveaway took us on...Airport security returned Al Penwasser's unidentified substances with a note attached. That note included the words "no fly." Further investigation revealed a full statement suggesting that Al Penwasser never unzip his fly again. Hm, strange.

We ignored Al's fly and found a three-sided coin in order to fairly determine the winner. Al Penwasser, Elizabeth Seckman, and Janie Junebug fought a spirited battle for the title. They were even seen sharing spirits.

"Quit backwashing, Al. I hate sloppy seconds!" Janie shouted.
Elizabeth politely declined, stating, "No thank you. I never drink." She then snuck backstage for a shot of vodka.
Al suddenly ran into the restroom. Our crew tried to open the door to see if he was okay, but it was locked. Hm, strange.

We left Al alone and watched eagerly as stagehand Macaulay Culkin kept tossing the coin. It repeatedly landed in Hillary's favor. Hm, strange.

Alas, we decided to end the madness by counting ballots. But we needed to first discard all of Janie Junebug's repeat votes. Our high-security team deciphered these because a set of ballots had this statement written across the back: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Janie Junebug, in exchange for a vote." Hm, strange.

And the winner of a very sweet package is...


      Fuck everybody.
Love,
Janie

Congratulations, Janie! Even minus your illegal shenanigans, you won! 
Thanks to all of the candidates and voters. You have proven yourselves among the silliest of the most silly.

A great, sweet week, my dear silly friends.
Thanks for the laughter.  This one was a doozy.

54 comments:

  1. Talk about a wild ride! Congrats to Janie Junebug!

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  2. Huge congratulations to Janie Junebug. And everyone else who played.

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  3. Yippee! I voted for Ms Junebug:)

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  4. Now that was what I call campaigning . . .Congrats to Janie!

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  5. I do like Janie Junebug's quote, especially since we really don't know exactly how she meant it. Fuck everybody or fuck everybody?

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    1. Good point, Mitchell. Pat Hatt said the same. I think Janie was clever enough to mean it both ways.

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  6. Congratulations to Janie Junebug!

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  7. Can't go wrong with that sentiment. Congrats Janie Junebug!

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  8. Congrats, Janie. The others were funny, too.

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    1. We had a great bunch. I can always count on my followers for the best of the funniest most hateful love.

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  9. Congrats to Janie Junebug!! I had every confidence you would take the prize.

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  10. lol can be taken many a way, congrats on the win

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    1. I think she means it any way imaginable, too. Janie's accommodating and flexible.

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    2. I didn't notice this before, Robyn Alana Engel. Your ass is grass, and I'm the mower. I'm not THAT much of a slut. You act as if I'm Bristol Palin.

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  11. What a contest! Congrats to all the entries, but especially to Janie the winner. So inspiring - I am starting right now on my entry for next year!

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  12. congrats to Janie - a woman of few words but a huge heart of a message. All worthy contestants, Robyn. You know how to throw a Valentine party!

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  13. Congratulations Janie and thank you Robyn! What an awesome contest. I can't wait for the next excuse for a good time!

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  14. Janie is a deserving winner for this fine accolade.

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  15. Congratulations, Janie!
    Gonna head back into the bathroom.
    I'll lock the door.

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  16. Yay Janie!!! Congratulations!

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  17. Hats off to Janie!! I thought that was perfect for the anti-Valentine. Al, be sure to wipe the seat before leaving the airport, please.

    Lots of fun as always, Robyn. Now, my vodka is calling...how did you know, you sneaky girl?

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    1. Thanks for reminding Al, Elizabeth. Psst, any vodka left?

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    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    4. Whoa! I deleted BOTH comments?? Crap. I forget what I wrote so I can't surreptitiously slip it in (golly, that sounds dirty).

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    5. I have noticed that sometimes comments get duplicated. I don't know why that it.

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    6. I have noticed that sometimes comments get duplicated. I don't know why that it.

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    7. *IS
      Crap again.
      Okay, I retyped my comments. Hee...hee...hee.
      Yeah. I'm bored.

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  18. Congratulations, Janie! The contest was a lot of fun, Robyn. :)

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  19. Thank you! Thank you! You like me. At this moment, I can't deny you really like me. In five minutes, hatred for me will creep into your heart, and I'll say Oi! You're just like my kids. But in ten minutes, it will be over. You'll say, Janie who?

    I only need a quickie.

    Better start now to make your reservations for spring sailing on Lake Junebug. Lord Franklin and Lady Penelope will be here to greet you.

    Love,
    Janie Junebutt

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    1. I probably shouldn't say this, Janie, but I am sure there are many who would love to help you with your "need". :)

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  20. I've not been feeling well (still don't, btw), so I missed this spirited contest. However, kudos to all three and congrats to Janie!

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  21. You requested my address:
    The Queen Who Lives In The Castle On Royal Avenue

    Mail can be sent in care of Lord Franklin, Lady Penelope, or both.

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    1. Thank you again to Robyn, and I thank you for your congratulatory messages. I love any worthwhile opportunity to use profanity. And every opportunity to use profanity is worthwhile.

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  22. Oh man! I missed the fun. That's what I get for spending less time on the interwebs, eh?

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  23. Sweetie! Because of you, romance is not dead, Lady Lovebug.

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    Replies
    1. Haha. Thank you, Margaret. I'm not sure about that, but snark is going strong forever after. Hugs.

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  24. How touching...
    Congrats to the winner!

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  25. Congrats to Janie, and the runner ups Al and Elizabeth! I hope Al will come out of the bathroom soon. I almost forgot his throne is on his front lawn! Hopefully, he'll thaw out soon.

    Julie

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    1. Yeah, I sat on that thing and my butt cheeks froze to the seat. How red-faced was I when we needed to call the Fire Department.

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    2. You were pretty red faced. But the firefighters rushed in and said, "Oh not, not Al Penwasser stuck to the toilet seat a gain." Then they did rounds of rock, paper, scissors to decide who was stuck getting you unstuck. Nobody wanted that job, Al. Sorry. I'll bring you another newspaper to read.

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  26. Hahahaha! Keep it simple, is the lesson here.

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  27. That's one powerful message, Janie. Short but sweet. :)
    Congrats!

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  28. Congratulations to Janie! Brevity is the key!!

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  29. Wait, is it too late to submit mine? It's a real zinger, and it's only 1,786 words.

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    1. Oh dude, I'm sorry. You're so close, but I'm afraid you're one week and 1736 words off. Try again next year. =)

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