Sunday, October 4, 2015

Reasons for Celibacy #351 through 357: Pickles vs Bananas?

Ah, celibacy and freedom. Freedom and celibacy. There are so many reasons to continue this sex-less lifestyle. And now onto Reasons # 351 through 357. Please enjoy, and have a stellar new week.
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REASON #351: 
LIBERALS NEED NOT SEND A MESSAGE CAUSE I WILL BLOCK YOUThank goodness!...NO HIPPIES EITHER OF FAT GIRLS...No? How about hippies of skinny guys like Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, or Quagmire? Giggity giggity!

REASON #352: 
hopless romantic looking for love
Hopless? You walk with a limp? You’re allergic to beer? Or is scooting more your thing?

REASON #353: 
My spoon is too big!!! 
Sorry, babe, but that doesn’t make up for an extra small egg-beater.

REASON #354: 
Are pickles a vegetable?
I don’t know, but they work better than bananas.

REASON #355: 
I'M a very good skateboarder
Now, that’s what I’m looking for in a man over 40!

REASON #356: 
Hear I am 
Um? I sea that.

REASON #357: 
Squirters are fun if tasteful
Sweetie, let me break it down for you like this: It’s never tasteful.
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Keep a smile, my friends!

38 comments:

  1. Alone is less lonely, and infinitely more hygenic it seems. And definitely more literate.

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  2. Great post! "LIBERALS NEED NOT SEND A MESSAGE CAUSE I WILL BLOCK YOU...NO HIPPIES EITHER OF FAT GIRLS" brings back great memories. In my hippie days I dated two girls who outweighed me. The "either of" choice was made for me as one became conservative and has just retired from the military; the other wisely married one of my best friends. I am still a liberal and glad I "NEED NOT SEND A MESSAGE" to whomever considers it vital to his personal involution.

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    Replies
    1. Too funny, Geo. It's probably best you didn't end up with a woman who outweighs you. Right?

      Delete
    2. Aw, I've run into them both since the '60s and they're still beautiful.

      Delete
  3. Now the spoon guy is interesting. Maybe he needed a very big spoon because he used to a mouth like Kermit the Frog, but then had an operation to get it reduced to a normal size. 'How big is your mouth?' is the question someone should ask.

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  4. Sorry it's so pathetic out there.

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  5. are you sure about the skateboarder? Hmmm. That's probably the only mode of transportation, so yes, you are correct to not pursue the wind in your hair and baggy pants. Great list - good chuckle for me on a Monday. Enjoy the week

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  6. *fanning myself* How do I choose just one?

    Do people just not spellchekc? hahaha

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  7. "Sorry, babe, but that doesn’t make up for an extra small egg-beater." HAHAHA! Your responses are just as hilarious.

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  8. Blah, curled my nose up at the last one haha maybe the skateboarder is Tony Hawk rich? Then it wouldn't be so bad.

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  9. Ew. No. Just no. That first one with the no liberals, hippies or fat chicks....that attitude steams me and I would love to send him a diatribe about what a loser he is.

    When are we gonna get Part 3 of the 'dropped matzoh ball' story?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for asking, JoJo. I was discouraged by the fact that my series' stories always get less reads as they continue. But I'll finish it - for you - soon. And I didn't post all of that jerk's rant. It was too infuriating.

      Delete
  10. Okay, so the "My spoon is too big" line is a reference to the Don Hertzfeld animated short "Rejected." The proper response to that line is "I am a banana." I would also accept "I'm the queen of France." Fantastically twisted short film.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuOvqeABHvQ

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    Replies
    1. That's hilarious, especially because it's labeled "Rejected for Oscar's best movie."

      Delete
  11. Oh my. The list of losers just gets longer every week. Being alone definitely seems like a positive if these are the other options. Hope you have a great week, Robyn! :)

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  12. REASON #352:
    hopless romantic looking for love

    Yep, this one's for me. The older I get, the less I feel like hopping into bed or onto anything/anyone. However with short legs there's a short fall.

    What an idiot!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Reason #351...see? That's EXACTLY the type of idiocy I was talking about in Facebook. To completely reject someone for what they are without taking the time to know WHO they are...ay, yi, yi.
    Too much serious stuff today...
    Pull my finger?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I ain't falling for that one again, Al.
      Silly man.

      Delete
  14. Those are some of the best reasons not to interact with someone that I have ever witnessed. How about, "I want a lady by day and a $10 hooker by night." If I am ever widowed I swear I will never date (at least in the conventional sense).

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    Replies
    1. That's what they'd write if they could spell 'lady', Jono. It's pretty sad out there.

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  15. Love reason #356. I love your sense of humor.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Stephen. I love your sense of humor too.

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  16. Replies
    1. Haha. True. And they'd likely be complimented if we told them so.

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  17. 351 should have led off with his dress code and went from there. Then he could have been deleted before he had to shout.

    357- REALLY? Was this a dating site or Craigslist?

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    Replies
    1. LOL. The only difference, CW, is that he would've included a graphic photo of a squirter - if it was Craigslist.

      Delete
  18. That last one left a sour taste in my mouth.....maybe that person should get together with Mr. Pickle?

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  19. I think I'd probably take a skateboarder over a 40 year old+ moped driver. Those moped drivers are guaranteed drunks ;)

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  20. haha classic - Possibly my favourite series.. very clever, hilarious and frightening! allergic to beer baahhaaaa

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  21. As an authority on pickles (not pickling), pickles are mummified corpses of a vegetable. Now, I'm married, but even reading these makes me want to remove all sexual desires, make me asexual!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My apologies to your spouse, Pickleope Von Pickleope. I might suggest he/she/it try a banana.

      Delete
  22. The only thing worse than a middle-aged skateboarder is a middle-aged guy wearing his ball cap reversed like he's still 13. Time to grow up, guys!

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  23. Mr. Pickle should get extra points for spelling, but he's probably a cucumber wannabe. Glad you put him, and all the other duds in their place, Robyn!

    Julie

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  24. I have to hear "I am" all of the time, it's getting pretty old!

    Maybe hopless guy meant that the string of bad luck in romance has taken the string out of his step? Poor guy... ;)

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