And I Wrote This Book.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Reasons for Celibacy, #312-319, and Old Broad Winner, #hangingwithbutters

It's time once again to explore the various dating options for a single straight gal like me. Thus it's time once again to affirm that abstinence is the most safe, sane option for a single straight gal like me. Here are reasons #312-319 for celibacy, embellished by my italicized commentary. What you are about to read is real. I don't make this sh*t up. They're from fairly current on-line dating ads. Enjoy!
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REASON #312: There's truth in loves eye's
Oh, honey, I think you need new glasses.

REASON #313: I used to understand, now I overstand...
You overestimate your wit, sweetie. It’s underwhelming.

REASON #314: First and foremost, I am a 118% involved dad with my two beautiful daughters. I'm not the "every other Saturday to the park and McDonalds" kind of dad. I have them 55% of the time and I go to every event they are involved in, so we can get very busy. First of all, I find your mathematical skills fascinating. I’ve done some calculations too. I’m negative 173% attracted to you. It’s not personal; statistics never are. Second of all, what’s wrong with a bi-monthly trip to the park and McD’s?

REASON #315: I want to hangout with butters
Butters? Whipped, cultured, or churned? Saffola? Mrs. Butterfield? I Can’t Believe It’s Not? You mean like things that are real fatty and spread easily?

REASON #316: lets get to know each other friends firs
I don’t know, babe. While I’m not a staunch PETA advocate, I prefer not to touch your friends’ firs.

This one messaged me (and possibly you too) on facebook.
REASON #317: Hello dear how are you doing today , your profile put's much thought in me , I ask for your friendship if you wouldn't mind. Max is my name , thanks
I’m sorry my profile put’s anything in you. To be clear, babe, that wasn’t ever and never will be my intention. I do wonder something about men who put apostrophes before every s: What’s the 'sex like?

REASON #318: First off I'm 64 not 44. Cant change it.
Whoa, dude! Was that like a magical Freaky Friday switcheruni with your adult child? Like did it happen when the two of you went for dinner at a Chinese Restaurant and read your fortunes from a pair of fortune cookies? I'm sorry you can't change it, but since you lost your Ross senior discount Tuesdays, I'm going to have to pass.

REASON #319: Ready, willing and able!!
You might be my best prospect. Kindly tell me, for how long are you able?
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ANNOUNCEMENT:
Stephen T. McCarthy won our Old Broad contest for his stories about his favorite old broad, his Ma! Here's only a small part of his very entertaining Mom stories:
    She was a baseball fanatic and knew more about the sport than most guys do. She even worked professionally for the MLB teams the California Angels and the Los Angeles Dodgers.
   I remember one time she and I went to a Dodgers Vs. Angels pre-season exhibition game. Pitching for the Angels was Jim Abbott, a man who had been born without a right hand (and who years later, as a Yankee, pitched a 'No-Hitter' against the Cleveland Indians).
   There were two twenty-something-year-old guys in the seats next to ours. At one point in the game, Abbott pitched his way out of a jam and one of the two guys said, "Give that pitcher a hand."
    Ooooohhh! My Ma verbally lit into that guy like you wouldn't believe, right in front of all the other fans. That guy started stammering, and backpedaling like crazy, insisting he didn't mean it "that way" (which of course was a bunch of B.S.) When my Ma got done with that guy, he was embarrassed to hell and you could tell he would have crawled into any convenient hole he could find.


How can you not laugh at this story, while admiring Stephen's feisty, favorite old broad? Impossible. Congratulations, Stephen! We hope you enjoy Old Broads Waxing Poetic.

36 comments:

  1. Congratulations to Stephen. My copy is (if Amazon tells the truth) in the mail. Woo Hoo.
    And your dating ads are scary. Very, very scary. Abstinence never looked so good.

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  2. A great post to read and congratulations to Stephen for being the winner of The Old Broad contest.

    Enjoy your week-end.

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  3. Ah, I've been following the Old Broad competition on Julie's blog! Nice to see the winner getting congratulations in multiple locations!

    The man who wants to hang out with butters might be talking about the South Park character, in which case he has a problem distinguishing cartoons from real life. I'd like to see how he reacted if Betty Boop asked him for a date.

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  4. Congratulations to Stephen!
    I wonder why only 118%? Why not the full 120%?

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  5. Those aren't real. Please tell me those aren't real. Please. I can't even wrap my mind around 313-315. Why does he want to hang out with butters!?! What does "overstand" mean?
    Congrats to Stephen, though I didn't know there was a contest, which is my fault for being absent for a week.

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  6. Congrats to Stephen. Why avoid the butter guy? He may be buttering you up for something more? Could be your bread and butter. Might know what side his bread is buttered on. Okay, I'm through.

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  7. I gave Ray an extra hug this morning. Golly - dating is a tough world. More chocolate for sure. Glad you can chuckle and share. Have a super weekend

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  8. Thanks for making the purchase, EC. I'm sure you'll enjoy the book. I'm still enjoy it in delectable bits. It's a fun and prolific ensemble.

    Nashville, thanks for visiting. Have a nice weekend too.

    Ah, GB. Thank you for the enlightenment! I'm not enough of a south park groupie to have made that connection. I awoke this morn perplexed yet again.

    Touche, Alex! I love it. Great response!

    Pickleope, I wish I could. I wish I could. Welcome back.

    Pat, true. I've been hanging with margarine for years. Maybe it's time for a change. Wait a minute, what are you trying to talk me into here?

    Joanne, give Ray an extra hug for me too. Thanks.

    Keep a laugh and a smile, friends.
    xoRobyn

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  9. Hahaha! I LOVE when you post reasons to remain celibate. They are so funny. It's hard to believe that these are actually out there. At least they provide us with a good laugh.

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  10. These are hysterical! Yet more reasons why I'm off the dating scene for good, and happily so.

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  11. Those ads are a riot. OMG. And I love Stephen's story! His mom sounds like a really cool lady! Congrats to him on his win!!!

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  12. I found Willy Dunne Wooters on OKCupid. Most of the profiles were idiotic, but his was intelligent. I didn't want to meet him, though, because I thought he looked like Captain Kangaroo. I gave in, and we had lunch. He looks nothing like the captain. I fell in love with his smiling eyes the moment I saw him. Don't give up!

    Love,
    Janie

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  13. If I were single, I'd remain celibate too, after reading those!

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  14. If they can't even make your heart sing with a first written impression, it's highly unlikely they'll do so in person. Smart to keep movin' ;)

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  15. Rosey, I think my heart just vomited.

    Smiles and chocolate, all,
    xoRobyn

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  16. Oh wow! these were pretty special. they always make me laugh, but these in particular were hilarious. :)

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  17. Hi Robyn
    Life by chocolate sounds good to me. I've been married for 32 years and after reading those sorry ads rather glad I don't have to contend with that. I hope you find the right guy if that is your desire. Glad to meet another writer.

    Nancy

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  18. ROBYN ~

    Truth be told, my Mother died giving birth to me, but these stories I've made up about how I imagine she WOULD HAVE been make me feel better.

    Pshaw! Just kidding. She lived here until 2005 and the stories are true.

    Thanks so much for all the kind words (and thanks to others for the Congratulations).

    I can't believe I won a copy of the book without having to slip ANYONE any money under the table. I'm really looking forward to reading it as I'm sure I'll enjoy it.

    Robyn, I will continue to participate in the 'BATTLE OF THE BANDS' bloghop thingie for the foreseeable future, and you have a permanent, open invitation to vote in the competitions. Or better yet, why not vote AND post your own competitions?

    http://stmccpresentsbattleofthebands.blogspot.com/

    We do it on the 1st and 15th of each month, which means a new contest begins this Monday. I'll have Sarah Vaughan going up against some famous old codger.

    Anyway, thanks again, Robyn. And by the way, those were pretty funny responses to the personal ads. I especially liked that last one. Ha!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  19. Stephen, you bastard! That's for the first paragraph your wrote! Good one, though. I'm laughing, though I almost cried.

    Thanks for the invite to Battle of the Bands. I'll vote. I'm too musically ignorant to participate otherwise.

    Thanks, Stephen. I don't really think you're a bastard all the time.
    xoRobyn

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  20. Great story by Stephen... although I'm not sure I completely overstand.

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  21. ROBYN ~
    Believe it or not I've been called worse... much, Much, MUCH worse. I think even by you. So I can live with "bastard"... but let's not tell me Ma.
    [;-)}

    MITCHELL ~
    That's because I overstated it in an underhanded sort o' way.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  22. I am 118% entertained by this post, even though I only stop by here about 55% of the week. But you know what they say, 60% of the time it works every time.

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  23. I was 153.53% loving your responses:) Oh how sad these men are and they make one clear that celibacy is the best

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  24. Seriously, the best thing to do is join things. In my case met first hubby in a drama group and second one when I took up scuba diving. In neither case was I looking.

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  25. Debra, mine too.

    Mitchell, don't underestimate your power to overstand.

    Stephen, Haha! I did call you worse. Didn't I. I'm sorry.

    PS What did I call you?

    BnB and Brigit, if you come by 55% of the time and are entertained between 118 and 153% of the time, then...um, I don't get this new math.

    Jo, it would be nice meeting someone who likes the same things. At this point, it would be nice meeting someone who's not a weirdo.

    Smiles, my sillies.
    xoRobyn

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  26. "things that are real fatty and spread easily" Ahahahaha! Oh my, that made me laugh! :)

    Congratulations to Stephen!

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  27. Sounds like 317 wants to put more than a little thought into you ;)

    The old broad story reminds me of a Halloween party I threw a few years back. My best friend had a staff infection and had to have one of her fingers removed. She was standing in my kitchen when my sister in law came in carrying a huge try of Halloween goodies. One being a try of finger shaped cookies. She loudly yells "Who wants a finger!?" then immediately zeroed in on my bf's nub of a finger. My poor sister in law turned beet red, put the tray down, and walked out of the room lol. Thankfully my best friend has a sense of humor, or that could have turned ugly.

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  28. No wonder people remain single these days. Scary :-)

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  29. Did that one guy mean "but her" face? He's willing to date ugly chicks? Or, maybe he has heart problems. I don't know. Either way, I'm sorry this is what the dating world looks like these days.

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  30. You need to find yourself a husbando. If you don't know what that is it's the male equivalent to a waifu. If you don't know what that is google it.

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  31. Theresa, great story.

    Thanks, Vanessa.

    Elsie, good points. Maybe I shouldn't mock him because heart disease is pretty serious.

    Fredulous, I used to want Speed Racer to become my husbando. He's kinda flat and not too manly, but his eyes are pretty and he's clean cut. Trixie always got in the way. Damn her.

    Keep a smile, ya'all.
    xoRobyn

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  32. I was thinking like GB and Butters in South Park. Why do all these people keep putting apostrophes in everything? That's just sad.

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  33. I hang out with butters all of the time, they're the best company. You should stick with him. :)

    That baseball story is awesome!! Way to go, mom!

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