Reasons for Celibacy, #312-319, and Old Broad Winner, #hangingwithbutters

It's time once again to explore the various dating options for a single straight gal like me. Thus it's time once again to affirm that abstinence is the most safe, sane option for a single straight gal like me. Here are reasons #312-319 for celibacy, embellished by my italicized commentary. What you are about to read is real. I don't make this sh*t up. They're from fairly current on-line dating ads. Enjoy!
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REASON #312: There's truth in loves eye's
Oh, honey, I think you need new glasses.

REASON #313: I used to understand, now I overstand...
You overestimate your wit, sweetie. It’s underwhelming.

REASON #314: First and foremost, I am a 118% involved dad with my two beautiful daughters. I'm not the "every other Saturday to the park and McDonalds" kind of dad. I have them 55% of the time and I go to every event they are involved in, so we can get very busy. First of all, I find your mathematical skills fascinating. I’ve done some calculations too. I’m negative 173% attracted to you. It’s not personal; statistics never are. Second of all, what’s wrong with a bi-monthly trip to the park and McD’s?

REASON #315: I want to hangout with butters
Butters? Whipped, cultured, or churned? Saffola? Mrs. Butterfield? I Can’t Believe It’s Not? You mean like things that are real fatty and spread easily?

REASON #316: lets get to know each other friends firs
I don’t know, babe. While I’m not a staunch PETA advocate, I prefer not to touch your friends’ firs.

This one messaged me (and possibly you too) on facebook.
REASON #317: Hello dear how are you doing today , your profile put's much thought in me , I ask for your friendship if you wouldn't mind. Max is my name , thanks
I’m sorry my profile put’s anything in you. To be clear, babe, that wasn’t ever and never will be my intention. I do wonder something about men who put apostrophes before every s: What’s the 'sex like?

REASON #318: First off I'm 64 not 44. Cant change it.
Whoa, dude! Was that like a magical Freaky Friday switcheruni with your adult child? Like did it happen when the two of you went for dinner at a Chinese Restaurant and read your fortunes from a pair of fortune cookies? I'm sorry you can't change it, but since you lost your Ross senior discount Tuesdays, I'm going to have to pass.

REASON #319: Ready, willing and able!!
You might be my best prospect. Kindly tell me, for how long are you able?
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ANNOUNCEMENT:
Stephen T. McCarthy won our Old Broad contest for his stories about his favorite old broad, his Ma! Here's only a small part of his very entertaining Mom stories:
    She was a baseball fanatic and knew more about the sport than most guys do. She even worked professionally for the MLB teams the California Angels and the Los Angeles Dodgers.
   I remember one time she and I went to a Dodgers Vs. Angels pre-season exhibition game. Pitching for the Angels was Jim Abbott, a man who had been born without a right hand (and who years later, as a Yankee, pitched a 'No-Hitter' against the Cleveland Indians).
   There were two twenty-something-year-old guys in the seats next to ours. At one point in the game, Abbott pitched his way out of a jam and one of the two guys said, "Give that pitcher a hand."
    Ooooohhh! My Ma verbally lit into that guy like you wouldn't believe, right in front of all the other fans. That guy started stammering, and backpedaling like crazy, insisting he didn't mean it "that way" (which of course was a bunch of B.S.) When my Ma got done with that guy, he was embarrassed to hell and you could tell he would have crawled into any convenient hole he could find.

How can you not laugh at this story, while admiring Stephen's feisty, favorite old broad? Impossible. Congratulations, Stephen! We hope you enjoy Old Broads Waxing Poetic.