Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Robyn Reveals Shocking Truth About Nude Photos Purported to be J. Lawrence: IWSG

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Founded by our beloved Alex J. Cavanaugh, it's time once again for insecure writers to release our insecurities, inspire, support, guide and - in my case - spout weirdness.

Robyn = bold / Jennifer Lawrence = red / Justin Bieber = blue / FBI guy = green
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Today, we talk with an incredibly talented, delightful, young, gorgeous Oscar winning actress. She starred in so many movies, including The Hunger Games, Silver Lining Playbook, X-Men and Catching Fire. Let's welcome, adorable klutz, Miss Jennifer Lawrence!
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.caughtoffside.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2014%2F09%2FLawrence-3.jpg&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.caughtoffside.com%2F2014%2F09%2F01%2Fnude-jennifer-lawrence-photos-leaked-online-images-of-oscar-winning-hunger-games-actress-go-viral%2F&h=977&w=650&tbnid=gon1uobCpKNUUM%3A&zoom=1&docid=fO2V1vsOyGvbXM&ei=8r0GVILeCOKDjAKR54HYBQ&tbm=isch&client=firefox-a&ved=0CEUQMygSMBI&iact=rc&uact=3&dur=782&page=1&start=0&ndsp=37&biw=1680&bih=917
The audience goes wild. Jennifer Lawrence walks onto the stage in a tight black dress, the top of which  barely covers her nipples and the bottom of which barely hides her panties or lack thereof. She trips over seemingly nothing, falls face first, then pops back up. I guess I went too heavy on the Jack Daniel's this morning!She giggles.

Here, sweetie. Robyn gestures at a set of theater style chairs. They're both seated. Thanks for being here. What with all the media frenzy about your nudie photos that got hacked and leaked and viewed and savored on Sunday, and with the FBI jumping in to examine your case, even though there were scores of other celebrities involved. Jennifer Lawrence's face turns pink. In a low tone - and while maintaining decorum (even though she doesn't know what this means) - she tells Robyn, I thought we agreed not to talk about that. We won't. Can I...Robyn leans in towards Jennifer...get a look-see? Jennifer attempts to scoot her chair further from Robyn, but her legs flip over her head and she twists herself into a contorted semi-back-flip. An FBI agent appears, assisting Jennifer to her feet. Justin Bieber hops onto the stage. You f*n a******! Let me f*n help her! Get out of here, f*n punk! Justin runs to Selena (sitting in the back row) for coddling.

Jennifer Lawrence sits calmly now, as if nothing happened. The FBI agent steps back a few feet. Still on the stage, he's ready to protect her if she tries to move or breathe again. Today, the Insecure Writer's Support Group is gathering. Do you write? Um...she looks stupefied...No, I don't think so. I mean, like, why? I didn't think so. But I found a few books on Amazon about you. There's one called Jennifer Lawrence: Burning Bright. Did you know that? Um...no, not really. Well, let me tell you, you have one review for that book. I'll read it to you. Robyn proceeds to read very slowly, enunciating each syllable:  "to me she a great actor but also she has a long way to go as well. i hope she continues to burn very bright in the future." Jennifer smiles. That's really sweet. You're a doll. And phenomenally talented. And so young. And so Robyn drops her eyes to Jennifer's breasts perky.

Jennifer appears troubled. Okay, you're really creeping me out, ma'am! Don't worry, honey. There's a noble reason why I wanted you here. I'm concerned about all those nudie pictures that you took and put on your phone or the Internet and anywhere they might get taken because you're so famous and so young and fleshy and svelte and half my age and I want to spare you further public humiliation. The agent takes Jennifer Lawrence's arm, readying to escort her out. Those naked photos that you don't deny are yours, it's shameful to admit this, but I can't in good conscience keep the secret any longer.  They're mine. Robyn stands up and reiterates proudly: That's right, everyone. Those pictures are of me!

~We cut to a Public Service Announcement: Folks, it's not advisable to take nude selfies. Should you take nude selfies, it's not advisable to post nude selfies. If you take and post nude selfies, and if you are rich and famous, and if you have a rockin' body, and if you truly think these photos won't be stolen, you are many things. Bright isn't one of them.

38 comments:

  1. What a hero you are. Owning up to those selfies puts you in a league of your own.
    Love your Public Service Announcement too. But can I ask for another. Perhaps the Bieber brat would be best served if he only opened his mouth to sing. (Quietly a long way away from me.) Ok, he can eat too.

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  2. I knew they weren't hers...
    Who on earth takes nude photos of themselves? That's just a bad idea. And the last thing I want to see is myself in the nude...

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  3. I highly suspect such things are not always accidental. Though I'm a skeptic at heart sometimes (at least when it comes to most things Hollywood). ;)

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  4. Your summation says it all.

    You are so amazing. I can't believe (really, I CAN'T BELIEVE) the star-studded interviews you snag.

    I hope you take your own words to heart, however, and stop sharing those nude photos of yourself.

    P.S.: I'm right how enjoying "galletas rellena de naranja: (egg sponge biscuit with orange fruit filling and CHOCOLATE. Thinking of you...

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  5. I don't think the whole thing is going to do her any harm, but this interview might. She didn't come off too well!

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  6. Very selfless and noble of you, Robyn, to take the fall (so to speak) for poor Jennifer.

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  7. OMG-way too funny! I mentioned my nudie photos would end up in the Walmart file. Yup-just don't get it. Why do they take nudie shots and then be surprised they are hacked? I'd be staring at her boobs to in that outfit. We can all feel great that , one day, they will be at her knees. I nominated you for the Liebster Award. I hope you don't mind and if you partake great and if not, it's AOK:) I find you quite funny

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  8. Look at you jumping in for The Save. So noble. Really.

    I have said this before,though maybe not here, that I am really glad there was no internet when I was a young person. I had enough problems without social media chronicling everything.

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  9. This was great, Robyn!! You always make me smile and chuckle then come full circle with your story. My daughter said, "Ew, who takes naked pictures of themselves? That's disgusting!" Thank the gods!! She may be fifteen but she isn't a dumb ass!

    Elsie

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  10. LOL

    My father used to tell me (regarding diaries), "Don't ever write anything down you wouldn't want someone else to read." Well... If you don't want it circulated on the internet, don't take the photos in the first place. Duh. *shakes head*

    IWSG #179 until Alex culls the list again.

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  11. She put them in the cloud, and then it rained! Funny stuff as always!

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  12. I'm still not sure who this woman is. I see her name everywhere, see her pics, but I've never once seen a movie or anything else she's been in. As for the nude pics thing...that seems to be quite the fad amongst the young, hot people of the world. 'Back in the day' the only people that did that used polaroid cameras so that even the photo processors couldn't see them!

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  13. lmao yep, summation nails it. Why would I want a nude photo of myself when I can just take my clothes off and see it anyway haha

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  14. hilarious and so noble of you to leap up. However, I am her true stunt double. I can't believe you are taking credit for my work.
    It's a crazy business and one wonders what is for media attention or not. She has too much talent to need this exploitation, and yet....you just never know. Great post.

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  15. Okay, so if I did take nude photos...why would I upload those onto a site that could be hacked?

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  16. That girl needs to get a polaroid camera...do they still make those?

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  17. Good point about Polaroid cameras, and other issues regarding nudie selfies. I love the discourse this saga has sparked.

    I don't know if they still make Polaroids. Wasn't it fun, as a kid, to watch the pictures magically appear?

    Mitchell, thank you for thinking of me. Mmm. Save me some. I'd say "save me some" but I'm guessing it's too late.

    Nick, I'm always happy to see you. I agree, the photos are helping. Otherwise, why would everyone be focused on JLaw's photos and not the other 100 or so who were supposedly hacked?

    Birgit, thanks so much. You're hilarious too...Walmart file. Yeah, mine would be in front of - or behind, which ever's worse - yours.

    Thank you, my sillies.
    xoRobyn

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  18. Mitchell, I didn't mean to write "Save me some" twice, once without quotations, and once with. Or did "I"?

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  19. Doh!

    I don't get it, that's the truth. I don't understand society's obsession with celebrities, or people's obsession with showing off their bodies. (Aside from you Robyn--totally justified. ;)

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  20. Tequila Robyn, Wink. Oh this--it's just my new camera...

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  21. This one should have been a vlog...

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  22. If you are going to take nude pictures of yourself, keep them off the internet or anything likely to be hacked. But even so, there's no need to seek out naked pictures of a person you don't even know.

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  23. It's hard to imagine why anyone would post nude pictures of themselves on the Internet, unless they're PERVS.

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  24. This too will pass, as they say. She's a good actress, and this will blow over. That being said, you are the noblest of noble women, Robyn! :)

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  25. LOL! Is there anyone in Hollywood who keeps their clothes on these days?

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  26. Good advice. I have never taken a selfie dressed and I certainly won't nude. Funny post.
    Nancy

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  27. HAHAHA! Robyn, you lead such a glamorous life there among those shiny, sparkly celebrities. :D Thanks for making me smile today.

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  28. I knew you were a stunt body double! It all makes perfect sense now!

    Julie

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  29. But if I don't take nude selfies, then how will I know how good I look naked? It's not like I have some kind of glass device that would allow me to see a reflection of what I look like in real time. Besides, no one can get into my cloud account. I set a password of 1234, and I'd really like to see someone crack that.

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  30. Oh, true! I kept chuckling through it all!

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  31. The media is just full of surprises.

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  32. You are quite the sacrificial lamb. I'm impressed. Jennifer's bustier doesn't do much boosting, does it? Too bad she's not as attractive as you are so my eyes aren't drawn to her.

    Love,
    Janie

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  33. Jennifer should be sending you a chunk of the settlement check she will receive for stepping up to the plate and admitting you were the one in the photos!

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  34. It all makes sense now...

    Seriously, though, I will never understand why people think it's a good idea to take them in the first place, but why keep them??

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  35. Nude selfies are only slightly more pathetic than regular selfies.

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  36. Great post Robyn! You are so darn funny.

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