And I Wrote This Book.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Reasons for Celibacy #299-307


Hi! I hope this finds you well and ready for some perplexing internet dating ad bites, served with my usual italicized commentary.  Note: these are actual dating ads lifted from some of the most popular internet dating sites. As much as I may be tempted to change or correct the wording, I never do. I simply abbreviate these reasons why a straight, single gal like me is smart to choose celibacy. Enjoy.
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REASON #299:
Looking for my best friend in more.  
Well, in “more,” you can find Moe. Is that your best friend?’Cuz Curly is my favorite. Sorry. So close.

REASON #300:
Wake up at a rediculious hour just to go fishing at a remote backpacking lake.
Wow. That lake must carry one jumbo waterproof backpack!

REASON #301:
Hey Hey Hey, Smoke Weed Every Day!    
Yo yo yo what do ya know?
Joints and poems too! How cool are you!
Thing is lass, I’m gonna pass.
I don’t wanna get friendly
With your 420.
Gimme chocolate, though, and I’m all yours, bro. [Wink, wink.]

REASON #302:
Wake and Bake, shake the snake, just doing the normal morning routine
Really? Because the boys 'round here, drinkin' that ice cold beer.
Backwoods legit, don't take no lip. Chew tobacca, chew tobacca, chew tobacca, spit!
 -from Blake Shelton’s Boys Round Here

REASON #303:
I am looking for my soul mate. I think you are too...just a educated guess. I am looking for someone that compliments me and my lifestyle.
If I tell you that you’re an excellent speller of the word “educated,” which clearly indicates an upstanding lifestyle, will you kindly add an “n” to “an” and move on? Thank you.

REASON #304:
where are the good one    
Here I are, honey! Here I are!

REASON #305:
would like to meat someone to have a good time with
Sorry, carnivorous stud. Effective immediately: I’m vegetarian.

REASON #306:
Now, we’ve seen some perplexing wording, but this one is truly fuct. Please excuse the expression; it’s not mine. I just found it in an internet dating ad.
Born into a fanatasy fuct by
??? That's it! That's the guy's ad headline.

REASON #307:
IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.
I feel ya, dude. It’s like, damn! If I knew when I’m older than I am now that I was younger when I was then.

38 comments:

  1. Ouch.
    Except that each and every one of these ads would ensure that I didn't have to endure a boring/dangerous/frightening/perplexing date. And could stay home and read. With chocolate.

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  2. I'd be worried about the guy wanting to meat you. Unless there was no strong cheese attached.

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  3. So sorry Robyn, I so sorry you face us men!

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  4. Oh Robyn, you just make me laugh.

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  5. This is like Martin World News with dating! But think of how easy they make it to weed (sometimes literally) them out.

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  6. Thanks for the chuckling. No doubt very appealing ads.

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  7. Sorry but I started dating the weed guy. Your loss tho, all my white shirts now have perfectly formed cheese puff handprints over my breastesses... (that's what he calls them, he's so romantical!)

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  8. I'm still chuckling over reason 307. I'm at that age where I finally realize I don't know nothin'. How's that for a double negative?

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  9. Reason 307 are kind of the lyrics to a Small Faces song actually. "I wish that i knew what I know now, when I was younger." The rest are pretty bad!

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  10. I'm starting to wonder if these accounts are getting created by spam bots. Because their spelling and grammar are pretty on par with what I'm seeing in spam.

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  11. That last one hurts the head. Number 300 may be a serial killer

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  12. If I were single, these ads would make me hide in my house and never come out again. So scary! Thanks for making me laugh, Robyn. :-)

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  13. Lol. men can really be a handful. I grew up with brothers.

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  14. The ones who bakes before shaking the snake sounds like a monitor lizard, so you'd better report him before he bites someone. The word "fuct" scares me - it could become popular if people keep writing it. Oops!

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  15. I would love to know the responses you get from some of these nut jobs.

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  16. A misplaced typo can completely change an entire sentence - not something you want when you're trying to put your best foot forward!

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  17. Not only that #303 is looking for compliments too, you gots to tell him he's handsome and strong and all that.

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  18. #305 could be admitting to being a rapist...in a Freudian slippage sort of way.

    And Mr. Fuct may have given up early and gone home. I think life got to him.

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  19. These are funny... as always.

    I think I can shed some light on the last one. It is the lyric from this song...

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhjHBV20ZV4

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  20. It's always amusing when people brag about smoking weed like it's some badass accomplishment. Like some woman's going to read that and swoon. "Wow, he smokes some $10 ditch weed he bought after his shift at Wendy's. What a badass! He's like a modern day James Dean. I'd better message this guy before he's snagged up by some other lucky lady."

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  21. I loved them all. You are one pistol. You crack me up! Funny, funny, funny girl. Perhaps, you missed your calling? Have a wonderful weekend Robyn. Cheers!1

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  22. As always, your comments are priceless, my sillies. I think I need to do another comment collage post.

    EC, good choice.

    Alex, touche. Plus, the meat-cheeese combination isn't kosher.

    John, you be a good one. Thanks.

    Julie, I do what I can.

    CW, good pun. With combined forceds We could do a horrifying news show. That'd be awesome.

    AlDragon, thanks for stopping by. You're the best.

    Oh, Jannine. You be dat other girl he said dat he like to stay abreastesses of? Well, I'll take the HIGH road and wish you well.

    Stephen, I don't know how it is for a double negative, cuz I don't think about it being doubly negative when I say it too.

    JoJo, I've heard the real lyrics, and they make sense, "If I knew then what I know now." But this dude spit them out and pooped on them.

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  23. Christian, I suppose spam bots deserve love too.

    Pat any backpacking lake is something all women should be weary of.

    Daisy, anytime.

    LadyL, at least you grew up tough. That's a good thing.

    GB, you're right. "Fuct" is probably now the official text and twitter version of the word.

    LDiane, when I've sent them insulting comments, they're humored and - it seems - turned on. So I stopped sending.

    OpEx, I think the problem is that they can't decipher their hands from the feet and know not which to put forward.

    Jo, good point. With a man as dumb as a rock, you gots to start with "hey hand sum!"

    Elizabeth, you made me laugh. Good points!

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  24. That's Fucted up!

    Truly horrifying... God forbid any woman actually dates one of these horrors. Then they hook up. Then they fuct-ted. Then they breed! Ahhhh so, that's how the rednecks do it!

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  25. The guy that wants to meat you. Maybe a Hannibal Lecter wanna be? I'd avoid that one at all costs!

    But hey, hey, hey. What about the guy who wants to smoke weed every day? Those potheads tend to have the best munchies. I'm sure he's got a stash of chocolate up in his crib you could swipe and he'd probably think he ate it all himself. But you might want to avoid the chocolate brownies....

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  26. Maybe #306 was a little over zealous in following #301's creed. Or maybe there are fantasy or fanatic cults somewhere. I couldn't be sure which the guy was referring to...

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  27. I think your standards are impossibly high. These people are obviously the cream of the crop. They even done tol' you they was edumacated.

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  28. LOL, don't give up. I actually found my hubby in the SF Jewish Bulletin's personals, and he's a keeper.

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  29. Well at least they're all straight shooters and you know what you're getting into from the start. Hahahhaa You knew a 420 reference. I had no clue until I picked up (taught) a Science class at the middle school one year and the kids thought it was funny I didn't have a clue what '420' meant. :/

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  30. Are you sure #305 isn't from Jeffrey Dahmer?
    No wait, he's dead.
    Never mind.

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  31. Robin, why does it sound perfectly fine when sung by professionals, yet is an asinine statement for an ad headline?

    Beer guys, I know, right? And 2 out of 3 people in Chico are potheads. He ain't special!

    Thanks so much, BobbyBG. You always bring on the cheer. Be well, sweet lady.

    Anthony, haha, yeah, the world does NOT need more Fucters!!

    Theresa, a friend of mine almost needed to go to the ER after biting into a 'special' brownie. I'll pass.

    David, I think that he didn't even know what he was referring to.

    Lynda, yeah, I'm one snobby SOB. LOL. If only.

    Rhonda, great story. I don't think I knew you lived in the SFBay. Maybe I forgot. I have other friends who met thru the SF Bulletin. Back in the day - pre-internet - quality was MUCH higher.

    Mail4Rosey, I only learned the term, 420, in the past 5-10 years. You can't avoid it around here. It's pothead haven.

    Al, he's dead, but I'm not sure. Hey, it's great to see you, friend. Thank you for dropping by.

    Thanks, all. Keep smiling.
    xoRobyn

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  32. I'm just waiting for the day when society deems the grammatically challenged to be suffering from some sort of disease. That would be the ultimate cop-out, and yet another wrung added on to the ladder of our descent into completely madness...

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  33. Men just get more stupider and stupider. See?

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  34. Lol! Your responses...just a idea, but you shouldn't date any of those backpack fishers. They're kind of scary.

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