And I Wrote This Book.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Interview with Tori Spelling: IWSG

First Wed of Every Month     
Thanks to Alex J. Cavanaugh for founding and continuing the IWSG. As you know by now, the IWSG provides a space for revealing writers' insecurities, supporting each other, and -in my case- interviewing some of the brightest, dimmest and weirdest of celebrities.
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I really wanted to talk with the most successful Film and TV Producer of all time, Aaron Spelling. But he's dead, so that was going to be risky. Next I sought his childhood dog. Dead too. I'm afraid we're stuck with the daughter of the amazingly talented but dead and sorely missed Aaron Spelling. She played TV's most annoying virgin in the hit series, Beverly Hills 90210, produced by her father, the late great Aaron Spelling. May he rest in peace!

A troubled, tearful, emaciated Tori Spelling  walks onto the stage. There's no applause. There's no audience. We can hear stagehand Macaulay Culkin snorting something. Robyn shakes Tori's feeble hand and gestures towards a sofa set that was once admired by the late great beloved Aaron Spelling. May he rest in peace.
Robyn: Thanks for being here, daughter of Aaron Spelling. May he rest in peace.
Tori: Daddy was my hero. It's been really tough. But my father, Aaron Spelling --he was my rock-- taught me the value of working real hard and how to love and be a good person with strong family values.  My father, Aaron Spelling, was a very good man.
Robyn: May he rest in peace. Say, you played a virgin for seven years. How'd you pull that off? Tori looks perplexed, as always. You also claim to be an author. An actress too. Your father, the phenomenal, sadly dead Aaron Spelling, may he rest in peace, paid for acting lessons for you. It didn't stick. Tori's eyes widen, and she changes the topic. I've written six books, with a top best seller too. Robyn: On that note, let's read what one reviewer wrote to you about your authorship. Robyn reads from a large flashcard. "Aaron deserved a better family, not a golddigger wife and spoiled brat child. And to top it off, any success you have is from your fans, yet you seem to be ultimately bothered when they want an autograph, and you did not even thank them in the book! Wow! So grateful!"
Tori defends herself. It's not that easy. I'm only worth $15 million*, and we can't even afford a vasectomy for Dean. *actual estimate of her worth; **actual complaint she made regarding financial hardship.
Robyn:  If you think it's hard before the vasectomy, watch how hard it grows after -- Robyn giggles, blushes and nudges Tori with her elbow. At 80 pounds, Tori falls off her chair and onto the floor. She stands up and takes a seat again, as if nothing happened.
Tori: Just because I'm the daughter of TV Network Producer, Writer and Filmmaker, the late great Aaron Spelling, don't think that I have it easy. But Daddy taught me to always be strong.

Robyn's had enough. Look, you and Dean cheated on loyal spouses and destroyed two families. Your first husband found out about your infidelity when he saw the supermarket tabloids. Now you're acting all --Robyn pinches her nostrils to speak in a nasally tone-- 'Poor me! I'm such a victim! How could he do this to me?' Get a grip, b*tch!

A shocked daughter of the late great Aaron Spelling, may he rest in peace, runs off the stage crying. The camera zooms in on Robyn. My friends, I think I've proven that while money and nepotism might land you the starring role as a virgin, lacking any redeeming qualities, your cheating, drug addicted, worthless but attractive husband will tire of you. So will the the rest of the world. 
     If she can write six books, you can too. Right? Write! Be confident. There's more than enough room for talent to rise to the top and take center stage.

44 comments:

  1. Hoots of mirth from me. But sadly, my sick and twisted mind is wondering just what they think a vasectomy involves. I am pretty certain that I could do it - and there would be change left from $15 million.
    A bit anyway.
    Long may the real writers persevere.

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  2. The character she played in 90210 was a virgin? I really had no idea. Her hymen needs to take acting classes. I remember her being less attractive than the other girls in the show, but how come the boys were so choosy?

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  3. I'm not even an author and that inspired ME to get out there and write!

    I love it when someone feels the same about celebrities like Tori Spelling (daughter of the famous Aaron Spelling). I would perform that vasectomy myself for a fraction of that $15M.

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  4. Tell him to get neutered at the vet - it will be cheaper.
    That's right, anyone can write a book. A best seller.
    Just remember to thank the fans...

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  5. This makes me miss 90210! Good times. I loved that show. Had a crush on Kelly. And also Melrose Place! I will deny this if ever asked...

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  6. Where's Dillion? Didn't he always make things right for her? Surely he'll come to the rescue now! *cue 90210 music*

    Elsie
    co-host IWSG


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  7. Hah! You're right. I thank my readers in my books...that means they'll be bestsellers, right? Oh, I forgot I don't have the scandal/fame/money/famous dead daddy to go along with it. Oh, well. Maybe I'll write a book about do-it-yourself vasectomies for virgins...

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  8. Dean McDermott is proof that we can produce assholes here in Canada too. We're not ALL nice!

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  9. Damn, that is what I'm doing wrong. I need to marry a virgin portrayer, cheat and then sales will go through the roof.

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  10. EC, my like mind was wondering the same.

    GB, I think they knew she was the daughter of the late great Aaron Spelling and thus didn't cross the line with her. Plus, look at her.

    Lynda, I'd gladly take a small percentage to watch that one.

    Alex, all good points. Even the most arrogant of celebrities thanks their fans. Or so I thought. Then again, she's not a celebrity, just the daughter of one.

    OptimisticExist, funny story. I once sat in a jury box when juror selections were being made. I was asked my favorite TV shows. While everyone else (but one) claimed they don't watch TV (LIARS!), my blood rushed as I admitted to watching Melrose Place and Party of Five. I was kicked off shortly thereafter.

    Elsie, Donna is the only girl Dillon didn't..."date."

    Cheers, all.
    Thanks for the giggles,
    xoRobyn

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  11. Hurrah for the all of the real writers of the world! :) And LOL at Keith's comment I just passed by. You can't admit a crush publicly and then deny it. If it's on the Internet it's proof and it's real. :) P.S. I had a crush on Jason Priestly ( I forget his name on the show).

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  12. That was beautiful.

    :') <--Tears of laughter and joy.

    I've never actually seen 90210 (I was young when it aired on tv) so I really only know who she is because of those magazines.

    And that truly is some fantastic inspiration. Another inspiring tidbit:

    If Britney Spears can make it through 2007 then I CAN make it through this rewrite.

    Sam

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  13. Well done. Thank you for sharing the interview.

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  14. I'm wondering...do you think they want the sort of vasectomy where the testicles are removed and diamond crusted golden balls are set in their place? If so, I can cut (pun intended) them a good deal, way under 15 million.

    (I know it doesn't exist Robyn, I'm just trying to make some money here!)

    And sadly, for the writing...that just sort of adds weight to the it's not what you know, but who you know debate.

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  15. That was brilliant, although I don't remember the original 90210, I've only heard bad things about Miss Spelling! What are these books, though? Quite scared now...

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  16. LOL! I know who she is, but didn't know she was on that show. Some people are a waste of air.

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  17. Come on! She was easily the most talented person on 9021... 21... 2... BWAH HA HA HA HA! Only a father or an idiot would have cast her in a role... and probably not many of the second.

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  18. I must say that I thought she was better looking when she was pregnant. At least she had some weight to her!

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  19. I'm confused. Arte you telling us Aaron Spelling is dead? You were very unclear about this in your post. Ha!

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  20. This narcissistic "person" is the perfect example of why we cancelled our cable television. And wasn't she cut out of daddy's will, thus her cash grab reality show? Hmmmm...

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  21. LOL, cheeky, nice post. Sadly, I was one of the viewers of the original 90210. I even gave the remake a watch. @@ Neither were all that great, but mildly entertaining.

    Enjoy the humor,
    Juneta at Writer's Gambit

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  22. May he rest in peace :D

    You are hilarious. I bow before your funny bone. Which sounds kind of dirty. Not like that.

    seriously love the part where you elbow her and knock her spindly butt off the chair.

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  23. Great interview - unfortunately Tori wont let us rest in peace. I hated her character on the show, I hated her and I hated her face. Very clear she was only there thanks to Daddy.

    I bet she has a ghost writer. omg, you will never catch me reading her shite. I'd rather a drink a tub of Whitney's Houston's bathwater.

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  24. *snork* Hey, since he's a real *hound* (my apologies to dogs everywhere for the comparison), I'm thinking a trip to the veterinarian would be smart, don't you? Last neuter I had done here on the ranch was $55 (my normal vet was on vacation and he only charges $25). Leaves a whole lot of that $15 mil to play with.

    Well, at least she finds time to sit and write. Yah, the Spelling name probably helps. But you're right, if she can do it what's holding us back?

    Sia McKye Over Coffee

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  25. You are so funny Robyn!
    This was really good.
    I feel a little sorry for her. NOT!

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  26. I don't appreciate you making fun of a literary genius like Tori Spelling, who's written such profound titles as "sTORI Telling" and "Uncharted TerriTORI." Do you even comprehend how amazingly clever those titles are? This woman shits brilliance and then smears it on page after page after page of Pulitzer prize worthy literary excellence.

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  27. Oh, Tori! You shallow, egotistical twit. I am nowhere near worth $15 million, but we certainly could afford a $600 vasectomy! Take some of the money you snort up your nose and get it done. The world doesn't need anymore of your kind running around!

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  28. Um, I sort of know who Tori is. Definitely knew who her dad was (may he rest in peace). Never heard of Dean. Didn't watch 90210. And a virgin?!? Well, that sure wasn't my impression.

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  29. My dear silly readers,

    I watched it all too! I had a crush on Brandon. Please forgive me. But Dillon's forehead was too big. If I had to chose, though, I would've gone for Kelly. Good pick, Optimistic.

    Elizabeth, I was trying to imagine what she thought a vasectomy involved. Now, you've given me the image, you clever girl. True your point, though that review says it well for many. She has as many haters (including her mommy) as she has fans.

    David, she gets uglier over time, inside and out.

    Touche, Beer guys! I'll drink to that.

    Theresa, your comments are golden. High fives to you, girlfriend. Love it.

    LD, Aaron Spelling, may he rest in peace, was in denial.

    Keep a smile.
    xoRobyn

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  30. PS No, she cashed in $800,000 out of daddy's will.Plus her oldest has some humungous trust fund. Mommy and she blatantly hate each other. Mommy claims she killed her dad (by her decision to marry Dean, or keep the grandkids away, or something). Brother stays below the radar but dated Paris Hilton and works as a "life coach" I think. That family's a piece of work. May Aaron Spelling rest in peace.

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  31. Learnt somethings about Tori here today. I used to watch on theta TV series.

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  32. I would like to take this opportunity to personally thank the late great Aaron Spelling for Love Boat.

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  33. Hi Robyn,

    Nepotism raises its ugly head, methinks.

    Of course, a load of tacky publicity and knowing the right people, can get any load of crap published.

    Thank you for this and thank you for being part of "IWSG" aka "I Was Seeking Gary." Must go now, I'm overwhelmed with emotion of it all :)

    Hugs and have fun,

    Gary
    x

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  34. I was also a Brandon girl. They probably spent more on his hair products than what it would cost for a vasectomy. I think Gorilla made a good point about Tori's hymen needing acting classes! She really was much more believable as Screech's girlfriend on Saved By The Bell! Very funny Robyn!

    Julie

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  35. Christian, I watched Love Boat all the time. Then I was so disappointed when I went on a cruise and didn't get married by the end of the trip.

    Julie, she was Screech's g/f on Saved by the Bell? Now that's good type casting.

    xoRobyn

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  36. I miss Aaron Spelling. *sigh*

    I never saw 90210. I'm thinking that is probably a good thing.

    Thanks for making me laugh, Robyn! :D

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  37. So, let me get this straight...Aaron Spelling is dead? No wonder television sucks now. :-P

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  38. Aaron Spelling, may he rest in peace, is probably rolling over at how his great productions are simpled down to Tori and husband's drama series of woes. Cheapened for sure. Loved it!

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  39. Daisy and Al, yes. That is why TV stinks now. May he rest in peace.

    Yeah, MommaFargo, the talent in that family started and ended with him.

    xoRobyn

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  40. TV stinks!? Oh, wait. Can't really argue much.

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  41. I didn't watch a ton of 90210 cause I was younger and mom didn't approve of the show, but I watched enough to know who she is. And boy howdy she drove me crazy. Loved your interview!!

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