And I Wrote This Book.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Date with Ernest Borgnine Clone: Reason for Celibacy # 298


google images
Our email exchange was relatively spectacular. By this, I mean that the man proved capable of two-way written correspondence. Also, he claimed to look like Ernest Borgnine.

I googled Borgnine to find the goofy McHale’s Navy guy amid a highly impressive actor's resume and numerous Oscars; five marriages—including a 32-day union to Ethel Merman; and his trademark gaping space between the two front teeth.

I considered my suitor's photos. “I see it. That’s a good thing,” I wrote. “Borgnine has character. Or he had character. No offense to the dead, but one’s character flattens once they flat-line.”

He didn’t respond. Could he be lacking in a sense of humor? I wondered. I'd find out when we met at Mom’s Restaurant in Chico for a brunch date...

“I’m going to take an on-line psychology class,” Boring said, as the waitress placed  our meals on the table. “And I’m going to learn Spanish once I get my truck fixed. So I can drive to Butte College cuz I’d rather use it than my little VW. Funny, I had to get the neighbor to give it a jump-start yesterday morning when I ran out of dog food and the truck needed an oil change so I didn’t want to drive it until I took care of that. That thing is really old. It’s like a 82, over 240,000 miles on it. I got it when I…”

I flashed a polite grin, poured syrup on my French toast, and watched his lips move up and down, up and down, robotically. Borgnine died at age 95 in 2012. The similarity hit me over the head; they're equally interesting, in the aftermath of Borgnine's death. 

Boring did pay for my meal, held the door open for me, and was gentlemanly. But this didn’t negate my desire to extend my arm out, sweep our plates off the table and onto the floor, then launch atop the table and belt out "Everything's coming up roses!" to shake things up.

I had to at least say something.  As Boring reached for his coffee, I chimed in.  "I studied psychology as an undergrad. It was all Freud, Freud, Freud. Things like the Oedipus complex and anal stage."

"Well after I learn psychology, we'll shrink each other," Boring declared.

I countered cheerily, "No thanks. I’m short enough."

"No I mean…" He began to explain.

"Yeah," I interrupted. Nope. No sense of humor. "I know. I was kidding."

Boring then shifted the conversation to talk about...I don’t know. I wasn't listening.

The date ended badly: Boring wanted to see me again. I kinda froze up and replied with a “sure, yeah, me too.” I called a few days later to tell him, with apologies, that I wasn’t interested. He felt bad. So did I, though not nearly as bad as I felt listening to a droner with the personality of an expired Ernest Borgnine; compelled to explain that I had used a conversational tactic called humor. He should try it. All droners should.

Post script: Ernest Borgnine, you had as much character as talent, a nice long run, and a month-long marriage to Merman. May you rest in peace!
  Ethel Merman (according to google images)

33 comments:

  1. Celibacy has rather a lot of things in its favour. All the chocolate. Knowing whose hair it is in the breakfast marmelade, and not being bored to sobs.
    No humour? A death knell. Regardless of what else the suitor brings or doesn't bring to the table...

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  2. I bet Ethel Merman's corpse would've exhibited more personality...

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  3. What puzzles me is why a man with no sensahuma would bother bringing up a resemblance to a famous funny man in the first place. Perhaps he should have mentioned his resemblance to a talking fish instead. "The incredible Mr. Limpet", lol!

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  4. Does Dame Edna know that her photo comes up when one googles Ethel Merman?

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  5. I busted up laughing at your 'everything's coming up roses' crack. OMG. lol

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  6. Being a huge Borgnine fan, I felt a bit bad for your date. On one hand I've seen the vast majority of Mr. Borgnine's films, but on the other hand I can't imagine having to wake up to that mug of his every morning. Man, that's a tough one, but I think you handled the letdown gracefully with a tactful phone call. Nicely done!

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  7. I used to enjoy Ethel Merman on talk shows in the sixties. I haven't thought of her in years, except when I see her cameo in the movie Airplane.

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  8. Wow, that is bad, never even got the shrink joke. Maybe he blew over it because he is small in other places and doesn't like the word hahaha

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  9. Hey Robyn,

    You might of had a more interesting time with Borgnine's corpse. Ignore that.

    Nice to see that Ethel Merman has morphed into Dame Edna Everage. Strewth and gidday, possums.

    Gary :) x

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  10. Oooh now that does not sound like much fun. Although it did make for an interesting post.
    Thanks for sharing.

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  11. Yup, I thought that was Dame Edna. There's gotta be a better way.

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  12. You are hilarious.

    I did a goodly amount of online dating before I met my hubs and it's like that sometimes. One guy that I met online (but thankfully not in real life) segued every conversation we had into his love of women who wear suntan pantyhose with the reinforced toe.

    And I won't even get into the guy who to tried to forcefully hold my hand during a movie date, even after I sat on my hands to stop him.

    Good luck out there. It's a madhouse.

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  13. I'm almost confident that the deceased would have been more amusing. How droll. It's a good thing you got a free meal at least!!

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  14. Well, it's a good thing you let him down easy. Can you imagine if you did end up with him and had to listen to that boring chatterbox until he died at 95?

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  15. oh no! just reading that made me want to stab myself in the hand over and over. lol i can only imagine how you felt.

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  16. Oh my, I should've known. You people are much wiser than I'll ever be. I don't even know who Dame Edna is. But I saw the picture and compared it to the other's of Merman. She looked the same. LOL. What do I know? I call ducks geese and Edna, Merman. What next?

    CW, you're astute, and I like the suggestion. I'm laughing.

    Pat, you're funny, and likely correct.

    Christine, we must sit down for hot cocoa and chat sometime. I'm loving your stories.

    Thank you all!
    xoRobyn

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  17. Oh no. Another bad date. At least you got another good breakfast out of the deal. I just wish your date would have had an ounce of humor to go along with your French Toast.

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  18. "I don't like to brag, but I look like Ernest Borgnine," said the guy who didn't want to get laid ever. I didn't realize that was a selling point...

    Being boring is one thing, but going out with someone who doesn't understand your jokes... that's just the worst. I hate being the only one laughing.

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  19. Well that could have been better. Did you at least get some chocolate out of the deal?

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  20. Good for you. Don't settle - EVER! Funny post! I've been celibate going on four (4) years. Men approach me all the time for dates and whatnot. Just this morning I ran into someone who's been asking to take me out for about a year. I keep making excuses. He still doesn't get the hint. Stand your ground. Like Bill Cosby said, "If you know what you want, you'll know it when you see it." Cheers!!

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  21. I don't know how anyone could hear you saying "Oedipus complex" and "anal" without chuckling. I would have have grinnned like a raccoon!

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  22. I loved Ernest in the series Airwolf. He did have the greatest smile. Sorry boring was so boring...!

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  23. Forgot, I don't eat chocolate but wish I did!

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  24. now love me some chocolate!
    irrelevant, i know. haha
    who's ethel merman anyway.

    i linked to you today!

    big hugs!:)
    xoxo

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  25. Love this! I'm sorry I don't get over here more often. I'm with ya on the reasons for not dating. I don't even want to ever try it again.

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  26. Oh dear. I'm so sorry it wasn't a more satisfying date. Eegads-- but thank you for taking us along with you and for approaching it all with your wonderful sense of humor!

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  27. Ay-yi-yi! It's easy to see why he is single. I would love to see your table-top singing and the shrink joke made me laugh. :-D

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  28. No sense of humor? Yeah, you're better off without him! Good luck in the search for Mr. Right!

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  29. Better to be polite and run than to be polite and stay. :)

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  30. Some people just don't really have a sense of humor. My poor MIL, it took her years of being offended by my ever-running mouth to finally "get" me. She never speaks sarcasm and I am fluent in it.

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  31. Oh boy, what a date! Not the slightest sense of humor would be impossible for me to be with, even with friends I need to share good laughs as often as possible! I love the way you wrote that story though, it had me laughing in several places. Unbelievable what one can experience while dating :) I sure hope you'll find the one that'll be the perfect match :)

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  32. I appreciate all of you, sillies. You keep me surviving and laughing, instead of crying, through it all.

    xoRobyn

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