Miss Piggy Visits Life by Chocolate: IWSG

Woohoo! It's time for Alex's brainchild, the Insecure Writers' Support Group. Writers throughout cyberspace convene to unashamedly express our insecurities and generously provide support. At Life by Chocolate, we embark on silly interviews with some of the world's most (in)famous of celebrities.

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 black font= Robyn / dark red=Miss Piggy / blue = Maccullay Culkin

Thanks for coming, folks. In the past, many humans have graced this stage. Today, we'll converse with swine. Ladies and gentlemen, Robyn shouts enthusiastically, let's welcome the most domesticated pig in Hollywood, Miss Piggy! Stagehand Maccaulay Culkin (he still needed the work, and Robyn's a pushover) spins the applause knob to "hog wild," and raucous oinking blasts the studio. Miss Piggy prances onto the stage, donning a glitzy dress, mink stole, and sparkly pink pumps. Robyn shakes Miss Piggy's right hoof and gestures towards a velvet pink cushioned chair. Have a seat. Miss Piggy lifts the hem of her dress daintily and sits. 

Thanks for being here, Miss Piggy. You're really inspiring. I know. She flings her hair back.
 You've risen from a harsh childhood, growing up on a farm to becoming a fashion magazine editor. What advice do you have for insecure writers of the world?

Well, she flings her hair back again, looks are everything. Make your cover pretty with a photo of moi. She smiles and bats her lashes at the camera.

Yeah, the cover's the only way to stand out at first sight. Say, how do you deal with criticism? You see, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may become necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.*

I agree. Girlfriend, you and Kermit are pretty solid, right? Let's just say he can't get enough of my--she lowers her voice, and in a raspy, risque tone, Miss Piggy finishes her statement: piggyback rides!

Robyn blushes. I'll bet. Why is it that nice, humble types like Kermit so often get stuck with arrogant, controlling pigs  like you?  Miss Piggy is admiring herself in a compact mirror, oblivious to Robyn's insulting inquiry.
  
One more question about romance, dear... Hm mm?
 How far should a girl go on the first date?  Tucson.  However, if you live in Texas, you can probably go a bit farther.*

We really should contribute something meaningful. I think we writers need to lighten up and not take ourselves too seriously. That's why I brought you here. Our insecurities are often unreasonable. And they only stifle our creativity. Look at you; you're a pig who loves herself. It really comes down to self-love, doesn't it?

Miss Piggy looks disturbed. Well, I guess. I mean, if you don't have a guy to get amphibious with. She giggles. I hope you have good batteries. She looks directly at Robyn. I don't need them. She flings her hair back.

Robyn nods. I do, hon. Everready. Thanks. And thank you for your time. Robyn gestures at Maccullay to escort Miss Piggy off the stage. He sets his needle down and shouts, That ain't in my job description, b****! Miss Piggy looks at Robyn for approval, and Robyn nods "yes." Miss Piggy lunges at Maccullay, knocking him to the floor. (He only weighs 60 pounds, so he went down fast.) She karate chops him repeatedly and we cut to a commercial about kosher wieners, as Robyn shouts, ''Lighten up, folks! That's all for today."
 
*Actual Miss Piggy quotes.