And I Wrote This Book.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Biker Impotence: Woman on the Verge of Paradise

I consistently have bad luck with two things: (1) cameras and (2) men. Regarding the former, I buy cheap cameras that don't tend to last more than a few months before the lens won't open, or I can't snap a photo, or something else has gone wrong like it slips out of my hands and lands on a concrete surface. I don't want to purchase a good camera, because I can't afford one, especially given I'd likely break it too...This is all to say that I won't be doing Sundays in My City for while. My camera stopped working.

Regarding (2), I have no explanation. But I invite you to read excerpts from the novel I'm drafting, Woman on the Verge of Paradise. I post these randomly, with no rhyme or reason, except that I think they'll entertain. If you're offended by, say, erectile dysfunction or curse words, please move on and visit my other posts. This one's not for you. Thank you. Otherwise, I'm curious as to whether any of your friends have experienced anything like this, or if it's just my bad luck with men...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...His plush, king-sized bed seemed a glamorous place for my first post-Justin liaison. But as he pressed his body against mine, moving up and down, lowering his hand to do some work down there, he sighed.

   "Sorry," Tony said. "Let me keep trying."

   Shit. Just my luck. Guy can't get it up!

   I was hot, wet and, though impatient, pretended not to be. "It's all right, really." Damnit!

   "It's not you. I really want you, Robyn."

   Why would I think that your failure to get it up would be a shortcoming on my part? It's not my penis. "I know. It's okay. We can try again tomorrow."

   Despite frustrations, we fell asleep shortly thereafter.

--

   "I know what it was!" Tony's exclamation awoke me from a sound sleep.

   "Huh?" I opened my eyes and saw that he was smiling. "What is it?"

   "I know why it didn't work. I went on a ten mile bike ride yesterday morning. I remember hearing on the radio that bicyclists sometimes have problems getting an erection."

   "Oh, okay. That's good, honey." I closed my eyes, prepared to go back to sleep. Then, I popped up, eyes wide opened. "Tony--"

   "Yeah?"

   "Will you stop riding your bike, please?"

   "Definitely."
    _____
As a public service announcement, if any of your "friends" have experienced biker impotence, Dr. Anthony Komaroff of Harvard Medical School states:
"If you feel tingling or numbness in your penis, stop riding for a week or two. These are warning signs that your biking could lead to erectile problems."

48 comments:

  1. That had a couple really good laugh moments!
    Really sorry about your camera. Do they come bubble-wrapped?
    Never had that problem. And now will avoid bikes so that I never do...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Maybe you should get your men bubble-wrapped, too?

    Men are funny -- they think their energies are unlimited. Hate that yours went NSF at the worst time.

    Have a great new week, Roland

    ReplyDelete
  3. Luckily it's never happened to me, but I also dropped my camera once. Luckily when I did drop it, it didn't break or hubby would have broken me, it was a birthday present from a day or so before. I subsequently made absolutely certain that every time I use it I have the strap firmly around my wrist.

    ReplyDelete
  4. LOL!!!!

    I broke a camera once when it slid out of my jacket pocket at Glass Beach in Fort Bragg, but I didn't care...I was too busy stuffing my pockets with beach glass.

    ReplyDelete
  5. It must have been from those no good obscene bike shorts that cut off your circulation while leaving absolutely nothing up to the imagination. They should be outlawed. Very funny, Dr. Robyn!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey Robyn,

    You don't have much luck with cameras. However, in a flash, you could always have your camera in one of those black boxes they have on planes.

    If anything, the vibes from a bike might cause Mr. Penis to have a mind of its own. Time to get of the bike. Um can you like give me twenty minutes....

    Gary :) x

    ReplyDelete
  7. My guess is that you're writing for countless women, Robyn. I'm sure many bike-riding men are permanently impotent as a result of horrible ball-crushing accidents. Men who ride bikes ought to wear testicle helmets.

    ReplyDelete
  8. "Will you stop riding your bike, please?"

    Heh...now this is a novel I could see myself curling up with in front of a roaring fireplace, with a box of bon-bons and a fifth of Jack by my side...

    ReplyDelete
  9. On the other hand, some less than interested housewives can use this as a reason to buy their spouses bikes for their next birthday, send them off on long junkets, and look forward to some well deserved peace and quiet. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Good thing you don't buy a good one, suck even more if you broke that. haha good thing I never ride bikes, yikes

    ReplyDelete
  11. I've recently had pc problems, so you have my sympathy. When a horse unseated me once, I dropped my camera too and was more worried about grabbing it than about getting my hand stepped on.

    As for biker trauma, has this caused a decrease in bike sales?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Your poor cameras...

    Stupid bikes!! I had no idea they could get in the way like that. Now I'm glad that Hubby's health problems make bike riding pretty much non-existent. Here's hoping you had better luck in the future.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Well, crap. My husband decided he was going to start his hard core workouts on the exercise bike. Looks like I'm gonna have to figure out a way to brake that damn thing. My "workouts" are much more important than his ;)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Sadly, I can believe this. They can design a bike that weighs 12 lbs but they can't design one that doesn't make you feel like you got kicked in the junk after a 10 mile ride.

    I need to stop riding mine. Especially since I do mountain biking and there's a LOT of bumps...

    ReplyDelete
  15. Someone I knew in a past life, actually ended up in a hospital from dirt bike riding, of the motorcycle variety. Doubt he gave much thought to an erection, since something else was so horribly swollen.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Once again you've grabbed my attention and made me savor every word. I love your dialog. The way you write is a recreation of reality.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thank you, dear silly peeps. Your comments almost make me chuckle. Yeah, not since I was a little girl riding a pink bicycle with a banana seat (Remember those?) have I seen a bicycle for man or woman that appears to have a seat that's semi-comfortable. I don't understand. I'm sure there's a reason, having to do with physics and riding fast, but not everyone wants to bike to enter le tour de France.

    Roland and Alex, LOL regarding the bubble-wrap. It's worth a try - moreso for the men than the cameras.

    Jo, I'd be very nervous and careful if I were you too. I'd probably manage to break the strap somehow, though.

    JoJo, I'm glad the beach glass was more valuable than the camera.

    EmptyNest, I agree. They're rather obscene.

    Gary, I read that Mr. Penis may take a day to recover. I'll give you 24 hours.

    GB, I bet you could do a good business selling testicle helmets.

    Herman, bon-bons and a fifth of Jack? Wow, I'm honored. And I'll take the other 4/5.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Lexa, that's a very good idea. Some husbands are insatiable and undesireable. Some wives are too, but we don't have the same problem with bike seats.

    Pat, that's why I've spent well more on cheap cameras than I would've on a nice one.

    DG, I wonder. Bike shop owners prefer to deny the problem.

    BabySis, I'm glad for you and hubby too. Thank you.

    Debra, indeed it was.

    Theresa, yes, when he's not looking, take a big hatchet to it or drop it in the dumpster or something.

    BnB, it must really hurt to do mtn biking. I'm pained just examining a bike seat and envisioning a guy riding it.

    MsA, ouch! Poor guy.

    David, I'm flattered and love the phrase "recreation of reality."

    Cheers, all.
    Keep a smile.
    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  19. I hope you continue to have bad luck with men, because it makes you very funny :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. I am very thankful that I don't ride bikes!

    ReplyDelete
  21. This was like a PSA, Robyn. =)

    Ugh, so sorry about your camera. I have no luck with them either. I stick with my cell phone camera so my pictures always come out terribly.

    Elsie
    AJ's wHooligan in the A-Z Challenge

    ReplyDelete
  22. I don't even have a camera. My mom has a digital one that I borrow. I now use my IPod when I want to take pictures. They come out pretty good.

    Funny, funny story. As you know... my relationships look a lot like yours. Although, I can't say that I ever experienced the biker phenomena. Wowza.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I've dropped cameras but haven't broken any.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I don't have much luck with cameras either. I dropped one and broke it right after we bought it one time.

    I enjoyed the excerpt a lot. Made me smile. :D

    ReplyDelete
  25. Completely unrelated but is anyone looking to buy a bike? I've just decided to sell mine.

    ReplyDelete
  26. This reminds me for some reason of the time I was riding a boys bike. I forgot it had a bar in the middle and jumped off..... OUCH.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Let this be a lesson to all bikers everywhere! LOL...

    Get yourself one of those weatherproof cameras. Cold proof (not that you need that!), dust proof, water proof and shock proof! It just might be what you need :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. Well, I've never been in a relationship with anyone who biked regularly, so I can't say I've encountered this. Wonder if one of those cups football players wear would help?

    ReplyDelete
  29. They need to bubble wrap their package!!! ha!

    ReplyDelete
  30. now that is an interesting fact I did not know of.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Thanks, Vanessa. I don't know what I'd right about if I met a normal guy.

    Elsie, my cell phone only takes decent pictures when it's sunny out.

    Christian, LOL. I have a feeling you won't make a sale here. Sorry.

    Terry, I've done that too. Torturous.

    Martha, thanks for the suggestion. Is it klutz proof too?

    Stephanie, I thought of that. But imagine seeing a man wearing that under biker spandex. Not a picture image.

    Thank you, sillies.
    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  32. I'm not offended by erectile dysfunction.
    Unfortunately, neither am I surprised by it anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Touche, Al. Touche. You make me laugh. Has Mrs. Penwasser told you that? I hope she isn't offended by erectile dysfunction. She's a very patient woman, afterall.
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  34. After our last camera died we made the jump to a better one. So we hit a store that let us have it on a zero interest loan. It was better than layaway, because we got to take it home.

    ReplyDelete
  35. i used to ride bikes-not anymore!

    sending big hugs!
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  36. Doh! LOL. Good think I'm the biker in the family, eh?

    We don't have great luck with cameras either. In fact, my son was in a photography class so we let him hold onto it and snap all the shots he wanted in New Orleans. (Day time, of course.) He totally just walked off and left it sitting on a bench. *sigh*

    ReplyDelete
  37. Reading the other comments, was I suppose to comment on the camera? Especially after finding #2 quite entertaining. LOL! Great post. Cheers!!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Actually, the shame of it is, she has never read a word I've written. In fact, I could write the most outlandish thing about her on my blog and she would never know. That's a little insulting and hurtful, to be honest. Oh well, we play the hand we're dealt in life, I suppose.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Bobby, I'm glad I wrote about my camera. I realize that talking about erectile dysfunction can be slightly embarrassing and TMI. It was so for me. People could instead safely respond to the camera part of this. BTW, do you know what they say about a man whose camera has a long lens? LOL.

    AlP, I'm sorry. Really. While courting, my former love listened attentively to my writing snippets. After he knew he had me for good (pre and post marriage), he rejected all my creative endeavors - wouldn't even let me hang my best piece of artwork in the living room, much less read anything I wrote. It is hurtful; I get it.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  40. Ubuntu officially congratulate you for being the winner of the bloghop, Robyn! You touched us all with Mere Chance. Have fun celebrating!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
  41. Julie, I'm truly honored - especially having visited many of the beautiful entries. It means a lot. Ubuntu say thank you for the message.
    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  42. haha he got a Lance Armstrong did he?

    Not offensive at all - in fact, very funny - you could probably take it further! 'I went for the gear shaft and came up with oil.'
    ;)

    Sorry about yr camera - that sucks. I do love my camera.

    Best of luck with the redrafting!

    xo

    ReplyDelete
  43. An interesting post that I enjoyed reading.

    Thank you. Love love, Andrew. Bye.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Funny.

    And a word of caution. If you ever spend the money on a camera you love and you take it boating, be aware that they don't swim well at all.

    ReplyDelete
  45. That was funny! When I used to ride my bike all the time. People always asked me why I had replaced the little hard riding saddle with a big fluffy seat. I was on to something...

    ReplyDelete