Thursday, May 17, 2012

On Why I Choose Celibacy, Reasons #182-190


I'm back with a sample of today's eligible bachelors. Lifted from popular on-line dating sites, and embellished by my italicized snark, please accept the following reasons for my choice to live a celibate existence. I hope you understand by now, there's no viable alternative. 

Note that all of the following constitute the ad headlines, except #s 184 and 190; those were in the body of the ads.
~~~~~~~~
REASON #182: Lets play in traffic
Okay, you go first!

REASON #183: pork  
No thanks, I’m Jewish.

REASON #184: It's the real world people and i very firmly believe the world would be far better if 90% of the population would just die so the rest of us non lemmings could enjoy life. I know I sound like a****but that's perfectly fine since I am one but at least I have the balls to admit it. Also and I'm not joking I'm stronger, faster, funnier, smarter and will be a lot nicer to you than any man you have ever dated.
Regrettably, I don’t doubt that.

REASON #185: Life is for the Living
Try telling that to a zombie, sir.

REASON #186: You can call me Jim (no it's not MY name) but, it's only fair since I call everyone "Jim"
Really? So if you called my number, you’d ask for Jim? I might suggest a new dating strategy.

REASON #187: HOTT GUY lookin fer a HOTT PRINCESS!  
Look firstt fer spellcheck, Mr. Hott!

REASON #188: what does a guy got to do to get a gril 
Save $100 or so. Then visit Walmart’s Patio and Garden department. They should be able to assist you from there.

REASON #189: Am I here yet?
I don’t think so, babe. 

REASON #190: for leisure; i like to go for walks at the park i also like to ride my bike there on the bike baths or just have a nice panic by the lake.
Sounds lovely, darling, but I prefer to have nice panics in private.

35 comments:

  1. I like bike baths, personally. Not so much on the panics.

    Also, to find a gril. I didn't know my step-brother had moved to your area! He has severe learning disabilities that leave him unable to fill out a job application at age 32... and he would always talk about the grils and boys. He DID learn eventually. Like... WAY before age 20.

    This guy probably just doesn't know how to use spell check though.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I really do love this series Robyn and from this post it's not hard for me to be reminded why. That calling everyone Jim tactic is really, really, really strange though, it doesn't make any sense to me, it just isn't attractive at all. These guys really should stop throwing cliches out all the time too, it's unoriginal, I'm sure you've heard "life is for the living," and other ones before.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey Jim, nice selection this week. 'Pork' seems a bit abrupt though!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Doesn't anybody proofread???

    ReplyDelete
  5. How on earth does one ride on a bike bath????
    Think the guy looking for a grill wins today.
    Awesome as always, Robyn!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Argh!! The spelling AND the ego!!

    I do love your “snark.” :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Miley, you make me laugh. Thanks. Your step-bro gets some slack. These guys don't. They'll end up without a girl or gril.

    YW, I know. The Jim guy is an utter weirdo. Why in the world would he go around calling everybody Jim? LOL. Thanks for your support! Just reading these ads can be painful and bewildering.

    Annalisa, thanks. Yes, pork is rather presumptious. - Jim

    MsA, I don't think they'd catch their mistakes if they did.

    Alex, great question. Funny thing is I didn't even notice the bike Bath. I was too confused by the concept of a nice panic in the park.

    Beth, one does wonder why the egos are so large or even existent.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  8. He calls everyone Jim? That reminds of the Marklar in South Park who called everything and everyone "Marklar". I wonder if he's like Mr Garrison is his repressed gay phase.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Funny, in a pathetic kinda way. I think maybe you need to start fishing in another pond. None of the fish in that one are keepers.

    ReplyDelete
  10. The world would be better of 90% of the population would just die?!! Do you think anyone actually replied to that ad? 'Cause myself, I'd much rather be a lemming.

    ReplyDelete
  11. You haven't lived life until you've experienced a good panic by the lake! I've heard it's not only very soothing but also the perfect place to spend time with the gril of your dreams...that's the only way to find out if that gril you chose is a keeper.

    Seriously though, #s 188 and 190 cracked me up. These people can't be serious. Your Celibacy series reminds me of (and is often funnier than) the "Headlines" segment on The Tonight Show.

    Cheers!

    ~Nicole
    Blog: The Madlab Post
    @MadlabPost on Twitter

    ReplyDelete
  12. OK. I don't even get "let's play traffic". (Maybe I'm too old!) Most of those make no sense at all! It's no wonder they can't find a gril! Scary. Very scary!

    ReplyDelete
  13. And, yet, these gentlemen go without being snatched up. Oh, the humanity.
    But, you can call me Al.

    ReplyDelete
  14. ha! we should compare notes!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am not sure why you are not interested in these guys? They all sound like future Nobel Prize winners to me. W.C.C.

    ReplyDelete
  16. gee I've missed these Robyn, I just wish I could draw! I'd love to be able to capture the panic, bike bath and gril - a halfway decent cartoonist would have a ball :)
    cheers, have a great weekend.
    Sue

    ReplyDelete
  17. haha funny as fruit...
    on a hot day...no, not funny...
    Neither are those guys.. yuo'd think they'dd chek theire spilling befure pusting.

    tsk tsk...

    I'd love to know what, if any, responses they get. The female version of themselves? I suppose even hillbillies find each other..

    Brilliant as always Robyn! lol

    =]

    xo

    ReplyDelete
  18. Let's play in traffic? really

    ReplyDelete
  19. GB, yeah, I still don't know what else to say about the Jimboy except he's very strange.

    Susan, it IS precisely that funny-pathetic aspect that makes them so unappealing. Thanks.

    Kara, LOL. I'll happily run with my lemming status too. I wonder if 10% of all lemmings gave his ad a perusal.

    Nicole, thanks for your great response and compliment!

    Darlene and Baygirl, I agree. Even if he's into risky behaviors, why would a gril want to join him in play amid Mack trucks?

    Al, we'll stick with that (Al).

    Yvonne, any day, girlfriend.

    WCC, let's watch them become best selling authors too. Oy vey.

    Sue, that's a great idea. I'm thinking about any cartoonist type friends. It WOULD be fun.

    Anthony, it would be interesting to do the follow-up research on the success of these ads.

    Ghulam and Sameer, thanks for visiting.

    Thanks for the laughs, everyone!
    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  20. I enjoy a good panic by the lake, myself.
    :)
    Yes, Robyn, I don'tblame you one bit for living single. You're WAYYYY better off.

    ReplyDelete
  21. This is why I only meet my men in bars.

    Am still confused by "pork". Was that a command? What he had for lunch?

    Pearl

    ReplyDelete
  22. How much of a panic does it have to be to be a nice one?

    ReplyDelete
  23. Those brought tears to my eyes...panic at the lake...stellar move dude. Great list Robyn!

    ReplyDelete
  24. I happen to appreciate a man who likes a clean bike. It would be much worse if he were to panic in the lake, as sharks smell fear. He is definitely much sharper than the fellow who plays in traffic. I always look forward to these Robyn! Julie

    ReplyDelete
  25. Two things:
    Those are so darn funny.
    People are so darn stupid.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Dawn, I enjoy a good panic by the lake too, but not in a crowd. I prefer private panics.

    Pearl, LOL. Who knows. Maybe the pork guy wants to scare off vegetarians - as if a carnivorous woman will find him endearing.

    Ruth, I'm thinking a nice panic involves at least three yards on the bike bath.

    Chuck, thanks for the laughs. Sorry for the tears.

    Julie, I agree. A bike bath is preferable to a playful game in the middle of the interstate.

    Pat, I agree and I couldn't agree more.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  27. buahaha! are those people for real O.o big LOL!!

    Road Trip: On my way from A all the way to Z!
    English Speaking Zone

    ReplyDelete
  28. BWahhhahhahhahahaha-- Robyn, AM I "fixin" to be ONE of THOSE GUYS??????

    J

    ReplyDelete
  29. John, no, no darlin, don't you dare even think about it. You don't qualify. You are a good one. Plus I love ya.

    Barbara, thanks so much for the follow and for laughing with me. I wish I could say I made these up. But I can't say that, not without lying.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete