And I Wrote This Book.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Less Words Wednesday

Meet the Engel foursome [left to right: Jonathan, Robyn/me, Dawn, & Glenn-David]. Aren't they cute, in a "Can you tell it's the 70's? Dad, would you take the f*'n picture already! My innocent little eyeballs can't handle any more of the piercing sun!" kind of way? I'm guessing this was 1972-ish in the Yosemite area.

Have a lovely Wednesday! xo

Follow Me Back Tuesday & GUEST IMPERSONATIONS


Photobucket


Dear Friends,

Please visit my buddy, Powdered Toast Man, today. I'm afraid I impersonated a Janitor and Camera Man. It really is quite scary (and, well, rather flattering).

Happy Tuesday. Don't forget to laugh today! xo

Sunday, August 29, 2010

On Why I Choose Celibacy, Reasons #7-12

Ladies and gentlemen, taken directly from current internet dating ads, I now present you with reasons number 7 through 12 as to why I choose celibacy. My comments are boldfaced. This should not surprise you. Enjoy! Remember, I do this strictly for your pleasure. [Someone’s gotta have some fun around here.]
REASON #7:

50-year-old man
Juneau, Alaska, United States
seeking women 40-53
in Idaho, United States

Can anyone explain to me why an Alaskan man, who does not mention plans to relocate, must find himself a woman in Idaho? Perhaps those Idaho gals know how to heat a guy’s igloo.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REASON #8:

i am fun loving ,love to laugh and make jokes, honest, loyal, nice , friendly, outgoing, my date should be a nice girl who also has a great sence of humer She really would have to. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REASON #9:

These descriptions can be redundent and over-abundant As can you, sir. This wannabe writer Keep wannabe-ing, dude. is somewhat of a dreamer yeah, yeah, I got that much!, once confused by the unrealistic morphed reality of experience. Shocked no more by the power of suggestion, GRACED FREE WILL Why do you guys always bring up this Free Will stuff? You’re really into that movie with a killer whale. Huh? REINS Oh, maybe you’re into deers. FULL CONTROL TO THINK, SAY, DO, AND BE..IS TO FEEL THE TRUE KNOWING OF THE NOW! Breath & Wingspan Wait, it’s birds you’re referring to! You can’t fool me. Always here, arriving never is promise found within, showing up once again. the kept hope to parallel life to the end. LIFE UNCERTAIN garanteed by LIFE INEVITABLE No rhyme or reason needed Oh, hmm, I got it! You are a freak of nature!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REASON #10:

Interests:
WRITTING
I must admit, that does sound interesting.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REASON #11:

loking for catslove making money. traveling the world keeping. fit the beaches of the world tanning. Do you tend to see both the world keeping and world tanning on the same trip? i like all sorts of music. want to retire on the a nice beach. enjoy family. am very carrerrminded Does this mean you’re interested in the rear-ends of cars? abd llove pets Sounds suspiciously like animal cruelty.

I urge all readers to keep their felines away from this loker!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REASON #12:

This has got to be the most endearing headline out there:
Frankly my dear! I dont give a dam!

It’s a good thing too, sweetie, being as I don’t know where I’d put a dam around here.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Gosh darn, that Marlene! aka Hallmark is Shamed Like Never Before

You really must look at what that silly, warm-hearted Marlene did with a weird cartoon I drew at age 11.5-ish (a few - cough and immense nose growth - years ago).

If you're not following her, you must join the masses. She is fabulous, and she'll keep you entertained. I don't know how she does it all and does it all so well!

Thanks Marlene!

More hugs, and we'll stop the sap now. It can't be good for either of our reputations. Handshake, belch, and some good 'ole fashioned snark. There we go.

xo

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Dearest Friday


Dearest Friday,

What took you so long? Come closer. Even closer. Now, that's better. Listen, I need you, I want you, and I can't live without you. Do tell me, though, what's it like being so popular – given you have absolutely no talent? Who does your hair, and why? What I really want to know is: what’s all the fuss about? You tease all week long, until you're nearly gone. At that point, we’re too pooped to party. Don’t pretend you don’t know this. I hereby strip you of your "T.G.I." “S” is truly more deserving of those letters. You can keep the “F.” It's not pretty. Run along now, in shame, you little F’er. See you next week, honey. Speed it up then too. I do love you, sweetheart. I really do. Thanks for getting here. Come back soon. Now scram! Would ya? Make room for Saturday!

Happy Friday and weekend, all! xo

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I Think You Are Hot!


Because I think you are hot, I've done two things:

1) I made this collage of coldness especially for you. I hope it helps you forget how hot you really are. (Don't worry. I won't.)


2) I revived my coldest post, and it's actually from the Ice Age. It's a bit early for Thanksgiving time love, but I'm hopeful this will chill your bones.

INTRODUCTION: The following excerpt was relayed by the fly on the wall. Note that this is the same courageous yet depleted fly that zips from wall to wall upon hearing someone exclaim, “I’d like to be a fly on that wall.” According to said fly, this brief segment typifies Thanksgiving meal conversations throughout the country.

JUNIOR: Put some turkey on my plate, you bastard.

STEVIE: Are you calling me a turkey?

JUNIOR: No, I’m calling you a bastard.

STEVIE: Okay. White or dark meat?

MAMA DOLORES: That’s enough boys. You’re grown men now. Quit the squabbling. Herb, stuff it! Stuff that turkey. It’s too dry, and you haven’t done a damn thing all day to help get dinner ready. Like father, like son. Junior, I remember when your cousin Mike made a pass at Auntie Mabel one fine Easter Sunday. You stood there and didn’t say anything to protect her.

JUNIOR: Ma, I was only 6 years old, and that was 35 years ago. Would you let it go, already!

MAMA DOLORES: Yes, 6, and a well spoken child. Slender and fit, I might add. You just stood there like a bump on a log. Where did I go wrong? It’s no wonder you can’t keep a good woman.

PAPA JOE: Dolores, it would be nice if you took the cranberries out of the can and put them in a bowl for a change.

MAMA DOLORES: Excuse me?! You come strolling in here only 3 hours ago, turn on the boob tube, and tell me I need to do more work to appease your snoody patoody tastes. I’ll tell you where you can put the damn cranberries! Sally, when is that loser of a husband of yours going to get here?

SALLY: Ma, he’s sitting right next to me.

MAMA DOLORES: Oh, well in that case, have him pass the rolls. Wake him up first, would ya, it’s rude to sleep at the table. Let us all now join in prayer. Thank you Lord for this blessed meal with our loved ones.


Stay cool, because I still think you are hot! xo

Monday, August 23, 2010

Dearest Monday


Dearest Monday,
Come, sit down. No, not that close, darling. Yeah, over there, where I can’t see you. Thanks. So, let’s talk. How are you? I really don’t care. Listen, did it ever occur to you that you are not welcome here – as in, anywhere in the universe? You are loud, you’re obnoxious, and you're gender confused - not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just more challenging to know what to do with you. Honey, you're always so darn ready to make an entrance. Like those people in line for Costco samples, you just keep coming back. You don't miss a beat. Do ya? I, for one, do not appreciate this. Would you kindly consider moving back into the week, say, to Thursday? Okay, I’ll take Wednesday, hump day. I think you’d like that one. Vavoom, vavoom. Ya know? Now, I know I don't have to spell that one out for you. I do like you, but only when you’re a holiday. Even then, if you would kindly dress it down a bit, I’d appreciate it. Then we could all take this Monday thing a bit more easily.

I hope it's a mellow Monday for you! xo

Thursday, August 19, 2010

On Why I Choose Celibacy, Part II ~aka Please read "What to do when your fingers get stuck to a key on your keyboard FOR DUMMIES"

(In case you couldn't tell, this is me in my typical celibacy attire.)

REASON #6 sent me a “wink,” with his fingers clearly stuck to the keyboard. Ssssee below.
for fun: ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
My first thought, naturally, was that he just forgot how to spell “solitaire.” I hate it when that happens! Don’t you? Then, I thought that perhaps he meant something even less appropriate. Maybe, just maybe, he couldn’t remember how to spell “sex.” Upon further analysis of his enlightening bio, though, I noted that his pets are spelled the exact same way. A mere coincidence?

my pets: ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Silly me! I should get my mind out of the gutter, huh? He must have a pet named “Solitaire.” There I was, accusing him of being a mutant freakazoid. Yeah, I didn't say that or publish those words or anything, but, between you and me, that's what I was thinking. Then, I read on:
favorite hot spots: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllll llllllllllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiifffffffffffffffffffffffffff fffffffffffffffffffffffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Alas, I returned to a state of slight suspicion. In search of more clues, I continued.
favorite things: rap of all music BRORDERS, STAR BUCK Is that like an impoverished actor?, BELIZE, MEXICO, ...OCS.....Obsessive Compulsive S-user? ..........LOVE TO REEEEAED Please read “What to do when your fingers get stuck to a key on the keyboard FOR DUMMIES”
last read: Think and growrichs Nopolean Hill Rich dd Poor dad, cougar to rcks, wall stsssssNYTimes daily, Barrons. Gor Tiger quest. like facts..I want to wright a book How does one do this? Must one take said book on a plane, Orville and Wilbur styel? The Green House effect. it wouldsssssforshadow That’s a rather unique Green House effect. Must one own a groundhog for this? the Fin industry Tarintino stlye y Tarantino’s pretty manly, but I didn’t know he has an unattached “y.”
Before I decided to resume a life of celibacy, I needed to give him one more chance. After all, he has a PhD. He spelled it right, so it must be true. Plus, he’s still in his 20’s. How impressive! I therefore sent the prodigy this sincere inquiry:

Hi,

Thanks for the wink. I don't think we'd be a good match, but I am curious about your profile. What does "sssss" mean, in reference to both your favorite hobbies and pets?

And "eeeellllliiiiiffffeeee.." for hot spots?

Interesting.

Have a good one!
Robyn

I'm still awaiting a response. He's probably busy playing s's with his s's. I figure it'll be a while. It's a good thing I'm such a patient, gracious kinda gal. He has a PhD, you know?!
And that, my friend, is reason #6, Part II of On Why I Choose Celibacy.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Less Words Wednesday

[Yosemite and my lower extremities]



BREATHE. JUST BREATHE.

PS My friend, Geof at TheManCave, interviewed a real live author. (It surely would've been more challenging to interview a dead one.) Please check it out. It's an interesting interview with a down-to-earth man. Thanks!



PPS Don't forget to breathe. Just breathe!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

On Why I Choose Celibacy, Part I


To follow are 5 of my reasons for choosing celibacy. These blurbs are taken directly from internet dating ads. Several of the guys emailed me, expressing interest. I found the others during a failed search for a grain of normalcy. Bottom line: I choose celibacy. Here’s why (My comments are in bold italics):

REASON #1: Note the specific categories to which this guy responded, because he clearly did not.

MY ETHNICITY: I feel like u should treat somebody with respect and like they are a person not a peice of meat or whatever. I am the type of person who wants somebody to feel wanted not just as a trophy. Hmm, sounds like you’re one of those misunderstood mutts who has to check the “Other” box a lot. It does kind of make you feel like a peice of meat, doesn’t it? Sorry, trophy boy.
MY RELIGION: I am a very affectionate person and I love to cuddle, I like to show somebody how I feel not just telling them Are you trying to say that you're a Mormon?
LAST READ: I am very relationship oriented and I believe life is too short to waste. Where can I find this book, and is it illustrated?

MY PETS: I consider myself to be very simple…Indeed you are. I believe that women needs to be treated with respect and as a equal partner in a relationship, but all I seem to find is the ones that does not know how to respond to that or is untrusting to it. Maybe that’s because you consider ‘a women a equal’ to your pets. Do you serve them cat food in a bowl, or do they eat it straight from a can?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REASON #2: ..A man that will stick to the oath of for better for worse and till death do us part i am not saying i am looking for a perfect man but the right man . What the – ok, dude, I don’t know if you skipped out on Sex Ed. Day in 5th grade, but you do know that you are listed as a man seeking a woman. Right? Um, are you seeking a man or a woman? See, there’s actually a difference. The more I communicate with you, the more fascinated I am becoming. I am very definitely interested. We are very definitely at a very early stage of a relationship We are? Funny, I didn’t correspond at all. It’s like this: I’m avoiding any kind of interaction, because you are a weirdo. and I don't expect any unreasonable commitments. I only ask that you be totally honest. See above for total honesty. Hint: You are a weirdo.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REASON #3: I am a firm believer of freewill. Freewill? Isn’t that the movie about a boy who falls in love with a killer whale? Cool, I believe in that stuff too! I must connect with persons who also believe in solid freewill. Oh, “solid freewill.” The whale’s pretty burly. Is that what you mean? I mean freewill Yeah, I got that much; of choice with no regrets, Hmm just understanding about life’s gifts and lessons. Enjoy every moment possible for tomorrow may bring the end of those moments Not good. Quite sad. Gotta tissue?, which is fine when you appreciate the time spent with another. The future will always come to give us a hopeful interest and enlighten our lives. How does that work, if tomorrow may be the end? This is why I respect others and pay attention to each person’s character, which I may fully connect with the ones they and I choose to connect with in a mind, physical and emotion relationship. This freewill stuff is kind of a downer. I think the Director had a different tone in mind. Excuse me while I ride my solid freewill outta here.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REASON #4: I have a mother so, you don’t try to do my chores and I will make the effort to view your comments about your life as an expression, as such I will try not to see them as problems to fix. Deal?! Who could refuse such a warmhearted deal? Tell you what, darling, I will let you and your mommy do your chores together. I’ll even give you plenty of space. It's a deal!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REASON #5: Just to be completely open, anyone who claims to be a Liberal should just pass me by. I'm only interested in women who can actually think for themselves, so therefore they cannot be a Liberal. Just to be completely open, my brain cells are simmering right now. I think I'm having a thought. Wait! Here it is: You are a pea-brained dumb ass! Guess what? I thought of that one all by myself, and I’m a Liberal.
Any questions as to why I choose celibacy?...I didn’t think so.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Clickety Clack: Threads of Love






















This piece is dedicated to two women: 1) my Mom, and 2) Marlene at DisguisedAsAGrownUp.
As you may know, I lost my mom to colon cancer 25 years ago this past March. (Mom was 49, and I was 18.) I have warm memories of Mom with her sewing machine. That's me wearing a dress she sewed for me. (I'm the bigger chick.) When Marlene posted the card above, I simply commented that it reminded me of my Mom. She immediately decided to gift me with this card. I am very, very touched. Thank you, Marlene, for showing me the depth of caring that happens through the written word.
[By the way, you really can’t appreciate Marlene’s cards through a picture. They are so multi-dimensional. There’s actual thread on this, a gold needle, etc. It's quite a work of art.]

She spent a good portion of my childhood sitting at the beige Singer model 305A. Each clickety clack brought me closer to my newest dress. Mom took me along to pick out the fabric. We perused the kits at JC Penny’s and Woolworth’s, and I was drawn to the most girlish of patterns. When the envelope boasted a pretty picture, I had to have that one.

As soon as were were home, I sat on the family room sofa in observance. I watched Mom push the fabric through the machine, pumping her right foot mechanically. All the while, I heard nothing but a continuous clickety-clack.

Occasionally, Mom stopped. Silence pervaded the house, as she meticulously navigated a piece of thread. Mom placed the end into her mouth and licked it. She picked up a shiny silver needle and managed to push the thread through its hole, always on the first try. Mom sewed in and out, and in and out, for several minutes. The next clickety clack broke the silence.

Finally, Mom finished, and I got to try on my new dress. We were both thrilled that it fit; it always did. I liked the fun feeling of twirling in it like a ballerina. I loved all the details, like tiny yellow ribbon along the waistline. Mom added those special touches, lovingly.

I wanted to wear my new dress all the time, at least until the next clickety.

Monday, August 9, 2010

A Childhood Fetish


Me, age 3. Dawn (4), me, Glenn-David (2)

Dear Friends,

You have earned my trust. It hasn't been easy, but you have been there for me over and over again. At times, betwixt my silly posts, I've taken you to some dark places. With great angst, I have forced myself to click on "Publish Post." As a result, your responses were consistently loving and supportive.

Once again, I make myself vulnerable to your judgement. I do so with full faith that you will offer the generous acceptance that it is your nature to convey. This time is different. This time, I take you to the darkest place of all: I had a clown fetish as a child.

I don't know what spurred this obsession or how I overcame it. I can sincerely say that I have been abstinent for years. But I digress. I have also not adorned clown attire nor drawn clown pictures nor gone to a circus in ages. (Disclaimer: I have eaten cotton candy many times since age 3.)

In fact, I'm rather apathetic about the clown thing today. I don't hate them. I don't love them. They are weird and freakish, but they mean well. I'm like that too. (I can't even say that I was a "cute weird" kid, because it looks like I may have peed - just a little - in my orange clown suit.) Anyway..

I hope you can forgive me and we can just move onto other posts, as if nothing ever happened. I'm about to press "Publish Post." I do so with trust in you as the loving, accepting and always forgiving people that I know you to be. ...Gulp.


Sunday, August 8, 2010

A Monday Minute Featuring "Where's the Beef?"

Monday Minute



Those Monday Minute kids were having so much fun that I decided to play this time. (Hopscotch can wait.) Here are my answers, along with a link to the "Where's the Beef?" commercial. Enjoy.

What was your "oh no, I'm turning into my Mom/Dad" moment?
This is ultra embarrassing. It was a big day. My make-up and hair were just right, and I was all dressed. I looked in the mirror, though, and was horrified. I was wearing a brightly colored Hawaiian print shirt, deep green polyester pants, and dark brown Patten leather shoes. I shouted, “Oh no, I’m turning into my Dad!” Worse yet, it was my wedding day. Dad, if you are reading this, I’m just kidding! Dad, if you aren’t reading this, I’m still just kidding.


What current commercial do you find the most annoying/funny?
I don’t watch Tv anymore, so I have to go back in time to the Wendy’s “Where’s the beef?” commercial. It reminds me of my dating life in a very annoying way. Please watch. I promise you, it's worth it!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ug75diEyiA0

If you could only eat one color food for the rest of your life what would it be?
I’d go with black, the presence of all colors. I figure this way, I’ll never get bored looking at my food (somehow).

What is your current Facebook/Myspace/Twitter status?
I’m proud to say I have no status. I haven't had a status in so long that I forget if I ever had one. If I did have a status, I forget what it was. I also don’t have a FB/Myspace/Twitter status.

F, Marry, Kill from this list below. Women pick from the men, men pick from the women.
· Snookie (from Jersey Shore), Ellen DeGeneres, Betty White
· Regis Philbin, Justin Bieber, Perez Hilton


Since I live in the San Francisco Bay Area (Can I say "Liberal?" I most certainly can, and with beaming pride too!), but moreso because the male choices repulse me more than the female options (the mere thought of falling asleep in the same time zone as any of those dudes makes me nauseaus), I’m ignoring the rules and selecting from the females. Here we go:

~Snookie – Kill.
~Ellen DeGeneres – F*k. The thought of a threesome with Portia is a bit intriguing. Wouldn’t you say? Let's keep it real now.
~Betty White – Marry. Robyn Alana Engel White sounds catchy. Plus, who wouldn’t want Betty White as their spouse, unless you’re waiting on inheritance? She's one sturdy 88 year old gal.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Friday Follow and Costa Rican Beauties






Beautiful children in Costa Rica ~ photographed by me, summer, 2003

Enjoy a beautiful moment or two, or more, this weekend. xo

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Undo It! ~ with credit to Carrie Underwood


Dear Friends,
I'm back (with a photo of my back on my wedding day) to apologize. Sorry to switch gears so drastically from silliness to sadness, but -well- I'm doing it. That's because I'd like to undo it. This piece is a mix of Carrie Underwood's song, Undo it, and my wedding vows.

I should have known by the way you passed me by
There was something in your eyes and it wasn't right
I should have walked but I never had the chance
Everything got out of hand and I let it slide

So with heart in hand, these were my vows to you:

At the end of our first amazing date, I told you I needed time to take it all in.

I think I need to do that for the rest of our lives.
Our relationship has been so different, in so many wonderful ways, than anything I could have imagined experiencing in this lifetime.

Now I only have myself to blame for falling for your stupid games
You’ve asked me many times if I know how much you love me.
Even, and especially, in this moment, I still don’t.
You love me with a full commitment to conquer any and all challenges we face, whatever the cost.

I wish my life could be the way it was before I saw your face

There’s a perennial and dream like quality to your love.
You stole my happy,

You love me with such a relentlessly generous and tender heart,
you made me cry


without pride or pretense,
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
and without being stifled by fear.

And I wanna undo it
Before you came into my life, I was a hopeless cynic- on a good day.

You had my heart, now I want it back
Your love has somehow transformed me into a woman of faith.
I promise to do my best to carry us through life with this faith that you have unknowingly given me.

I'm starting to see everything you lack
I promise to do my best to keep faith in us,

Boy, you blew it!
that together we can successfully navigate whatever lies ahead.

you put me through it
I promise to do my best to keep faith in your pure intentions, rather than clinging to any shortsighted options of how I think things “should” be.

Now your photos don't have a picture frame
I promise to do my best to remind you of the faith I have in you

And I never say your name
as the sincere, competent, sweet, generous, witty, handsome

and I never will
and all around wonderful man that you are.

Now you only have yourself to blame for playing all those stupid games
I promise to do my best

You're always gonna be the same
to keep sight of our loving union,

and, oh no, you'll never change
knowing that we are,

You stole my happy,
and always will be,

you made me cry
each other’s destiny.

Took the lonely and took me for a ride
I promise to do my best to express and embody

And I wanna undo it
true, loving faith

You had my heart,
for the rest of our lives.
now I want it back!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywtJYvDBKek

Spotlight on my Weirdness


First, a really, really creepy picture that I drew at age 11.6-ish (1978). His identity will remain confidential.
Second, I GUEST POSTED today at a greatly hilarious blog buddy's site. Please visit Powdered Toast Man for more weirdness. I need help over there. Lots of it.
Find your weirdness this Wednesday, in a good way! xo

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Scraping the Bottom of the Barrel, aka And it Aint Pretty!

My friends, do you know what it’s like to be scraping the bottom of the barrel? It ain't pretty, let me tell you. In fact, let me show you. Come along as we laugh at current ad blurbs from a few of the most popular Internet dating sites. Take my hand. (I’m scared.) Wait, you really should close your eyes, hold your nose, and cover your ears first. You’ll thank me later. I promise. Here we go..

I could be wrong (It happened once), but I think these dudes are trying to bring on their funny.
BACHELOR #1: Knock Knock (who's there) ORANGE (orange who) knock knock (who's there) ORANGE (orange who) knock knock (who's there) ORANGE YOU GLAD YOU CLICKED ON MY PROFILE?? Actually, no, you funny, funny and oh-so-cool man. In fact, I just developed an aversion to oranges. And you.
BACHELOR #2: By the way, I know by reading this, you may think that I am conceited. You will be happy to know that I used to be conceited (What a relief!), but know (Is the “k” silent or did you forget how to spell “now”?) I am perfect. Did I mention my great sense of humor? Yeah. Did you used to have one of those too?

BACHELOR #3: A date of mine recently shared with me that men expect to visit to her bedroom on the 3rd date. I say, "why so long" ??? (just kidding of course). Yeah, this wildly funny approach will get you into many women’s bedrooms (and drop-kicked off the balcony).
I really can’t tell if this one is trying to be funny or if he just has a bowel-bladder disorder. BACHELOR #4: Ways in which I think it would be fun to spend our time together run the gamut from domestic ease to wild adventure (which is defined as being cold, wet, tired, hungry, and having to go to the bathroom).

The barrel’s bottom always offers mush, bitterness, and confused punctuation.BACHELOR #5: I,m looking for a partner that stands by your, Side no matter what life hit them with. Not one leaves her partner and gets a new one. When times get hard. Please lets be truthful to each other . Makes life so mush better so we don,t have, To put on a mask and make up lies . There,s to mush of that now . Poor guy. He’s clearly been through mush struggles with unfaithful women and mistaking the comma for the apostrophe. They do look mush alike.
BACHELOR #6: I'm 35 years old,good looking Athletic body with blue eyes,looking for jewish woman,sweetcaring,lo ving,intelegent that have a jobfor long releshinship and to araze femely. What language are you striving for, bozo? I might be jewish, sweetcaring, lo ving, and intelegent, or I might just be lo. At any rate, I’m afraid I don’t have a jobfor long releshinship, and I’m scared to try to araze femely. Oh, so close! Play again - in someone's else's yard.

BACHELOR #7: Of coarse I like to share some common interests and qaulities. But I like exspanding my horizons. What better way than to meet somebody new and different than me? Of coarse you do, qaulity man. Upon meeting new people, it’s advisable to meet someone other than yourself. That helps exspand the ‘ole horizons in a unique way. Of coarse.
Are these guys trying to attract or repel?BACHELOR #8: So, my wife and I split up a few weeks ago, and... What? That didn't scare you off already? Amazing! Actually, my first new relationship in ten years will be fun and exciting.

BACHELOR #9: Short form: aspiring mensch with ticking biological clock seeks indomitable gal for lifelong adventure and kick-ass offspring. How is it that you are the only man in the world with a biological clock? Moreover, how is it that you can possibly think this abnormality will endear a woman? (P.S. Those monthly visitors are a b*tch. Aren’t they?)

Bachelor #10 was already eliminated, so that’s it for this post’s scrapings. You may open your eyes, unclog your nose, uncover your ears, and thank me now.