Interview with Ben Affleck: IWSG's 2 Year Anniversary!

 

CELEBRATING TWO YEARS!

THANK YOU, ALEX!

On the first Wednesday of every month, we express our insecurities and offer each other encouragement. Join us, if you haven't jumped aboard. All that's required is an insecurity or two-hundred. 

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 Robyn: Ladies and gentlemen, today, we welcome one of the biggest names in the business. He's a screenwriter, actor, and director with an Oscar to his name, and he's best known for having broken off his engagement to Jennifer Lopez! Let's give a warm welcome to Ben Affleck! 

The camera zooms in on Matt Damon, giving a big "thumbs up" to buddy Ben, and Jennifer Garner, clapping lovingly for her husband. The other 200 audience members fell asleep when Robyn announced today's guest.

Robyn remains seated in her comfy chocolate-colored fabric chair, as Ben strolls in wearing blue sweats, gray Nikes, and a white T-shirt. He approaches the front of the stage, and stops at a wheelchair.  Robyn giggles. I'm sorry, Ben. When I told the stage crew you were doing today's show, they said something about you being too old to play the caped crusader and rolled this out here for you. I think it's funny because, well, you're not THAT old. I mean, you're 41, younger than me. Just more boring. Anyway, have a seat. Ben shrugs and sits in the wheelchair.

Robyn: Thanks for being here.

Ben Affleck: Sure thing, Robin. Trouble ahead, Robin. To the bat cave with me, Robin. He chuckles, amused by himself. Just practicing.

Robyn: Yeah, funny. So there's a great amount of harsh criticism. Even Richard Dreyfuss is upset that you were picked. Nobody's happy, really, except Snooki. I've gotta admit, Ben, I'm not either. My problem with you being chosen to play Batman is that you're boring. 

The cameraman shifts the camera towards the audience. Matt and Jennifer are now asleep. We re-focus on Ben, who appears to be reading a book that he has propped up on his lap. He scratches his head. The camera zooms in on the book's title:"How to Get a Personality When You're an Over-Aged Pretty Frat Boy Who's a Mediocre Actor and - Ok - a Good Director With a Chiseled Chin But No Other Redeeming Traits But You've Been Chosen to Play Batman and Everybody's Mad as Hell About it Except Snooki for Dummies, Part I".

Robyn: So, Ben -

Ben: Yeah, what's up? He tosses the book aside.

Robyn: Today's the second anniversary of the IWSG. I want to talk to you about being multi-dimensional, because you're not. But I'm coming out with some pretty dark stuff about my past and all. I even did an interview for a local radio show today on depression and suicide. It doesn't get more intense. And I'm writing a piece for a local newspaper on that topic too. But I feel  insecure about going so dark, when I want to continue to make people laugh. So, I figured you'd present a good contrast to the multi-dimensional thing.

Ben is now devouring spoonfuls of a pint of ice-cream labeled "Ben and Jenny's Plain Old Boring Vanilla".

Robyn: Well, listen, it's been...um, see ya. Robyn points Ben towards the back exit.

Ben nods, places the ice-cream container between his knees, and wheels himself off the stage.

Robyn yawns. Folks, I just want to say something that you already know. Maybe it's just something I need to remind myself of. It's good to have more than one smidgen of a dimension. Boring is bad. Don't hesitate to write anything and everything that comes out of you, from humor to horror, so long as you don't bore. Human beings are complex entities. At least, all but one of us is. 

If you do pay money to see Ben as Batman, buy some Junior Mints or, if you're Alex, Hot Tamales, to stay awake during his speaking and acting parts.

Thanks for tuning in!

Excuse me while I go home and take a nap now.

Interview With Jillian Michaels of The Biggest Loser: IWSG

 

Founded by none other than Captain Ninja Alex, the IWSG provides a venue to express writerly insecurities and/or offer words of encouragement. Join us, if you' haven't already. All that's required is an insecurity or two hundred.

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Robyn walks onto the stage wearing baggy sweatpants, flip-flops, and a raggedy T-shirt that reads, "I'm not pregnant. I just really love chocolate!" Get pumped, ladies and gentlemen! Exercise diva extraordinaire, best known for her fierce training tactics on The Biggest Loser, Jillian Michaels, is here! Let's welcome her! All the men in the audience throw their shirts off and start flexing. The women, enraged, take sledge hammers to their bathroom scales - which they happened to have brought with them - and leave the studio in tears. 

  
Jillian runs out towards Robyn, dressed as so:

google images

Robyn: Thank you f--

Jillian: shouts angrily at Robyn.. Drop and give me 20!

A shaking Robyn drops onto the floor, reaches for her purse, and scrambles to find a 20 dollar bill. She stands up and extends her arm towards Jillian's tight shorts, as if prepping to place the bill in them. Jillian snatches it away and throws it at Robyn. No, you stupid b*tch! Give me 20 push-ups.

Robyn: Oh, no problem. Robyn moves her hand up her shirt, appearing to reach into her bra, and pulls out a Vosges Milk Chocolate Bacon Bar. Here, hold this first. She hands it to Jillian. Jillian takes and then drops the chocolate, disgusted as ever. Twenty minutes and two commercial breaks later, Robyn's done. She's sweating profusely but smiling with pride.

Jillian: You disgust me!

Robyn: Really, cuz I was hoping to - you know - give you a good workout. Robyn winks at Jillian. She eyes Jillian's abs, and then her cleavage. 

Jillian: Get to work!

Robyn: Oh, okay. Well, I asked you here for the IWSG, 'cuz I'm feeling insecure about my lack of energy. I haven't had any since, well, since I was in my twenties. Like decades ago. Robyn chuckles and attempts to stifle her tears. So I'm, I'm just rarely motivated and focused enough to get any solid writing done. But you've cranked out a bunch of books, screamed people into shape for years on end, and you seem to always be energetic. And you're pushing 40, though we wouldn't know it b*tch! Do you have any words of wisdom to share with us?

Jillian: You gotta sweat. You gotta work really, really hard. Do you think I looked this great all my life?

Robyn: Yes.

Jillian: You're right, but that's just me. Everyone else needs to work their ass off! Don't give up. Look at all the losing winners on my show. They had a goal, pushed and pushed, and they achieved it. Pretend I'm shouting in your ear, if you need to. Just keep at it!

Robyn's distracted by Jillian's well-defined calves, and then she sees her chocolate bar behind Jillian's feet. Her eyes widen. Well, that's all the time we have. Thanks. See ya. She directs Jillian towards the exit. Jillian grunts and darts off. Robyn grabs the bacon flavored chocolate bar, rips off the wrapping and starts devouring it. The credits start to roll. 

Oprah Visits Life by Chocolate! IWSG

Have you noticed that insecurities seem to delight in wreaking havoc with the creative process? Well, Alex J. Cavanaugh  did something about this problem; he founded an Insecure Writer’s Support Group. We’re posting monthly, exposing our vulnerabilities and/or offering support to one another. Please check out Alex’s blog to visit others’ posts. It’s a group of kind-hearted bloggers/writers, authors and all-around great folks.  Join us, if you haven't already! All that's required is an insecurity or two hundred.
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With a frozen stare, Robyn says out loud and robotically: Keep breathing. Keep breathing. Then, she looks up. Oops, camera’s on. Hi, folks! You won’t believe this! I’m so nervous, I can barely breathe.  She’s like CEO of the universe, and she’s actually HERE now in our studio! Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s give a warm welcome to today’s guest, Oprah Winfrey!

Oprah walks across the stage with a big smile.

Oprah: Hello, everybody!

Robyn and Oprah shake hands and sit facing each other on Life by Chocolate’s stage.

Robyn: Oprah, I just, wow, I can’t believe you’re here. I mean, I sent you that letter twelve years ago and you responded last week, I’m so honored. You’re probably pretty busy too. Leaning towards her, Robyn whispers: I hope you’re okay with the pay. It’s not good.

Oprah: Yeah I’m fine in that area. She glances at her watch. I do have a minute, dear, but I’m afraid that’s it. Go ahead now, it’s your show.  

Robyn: Oh, um, I wasn’t ready for this. It’s like, geeze. I’ve worshipped you since I first saw you on your show. You’re superhuman — way, way up there, like with Mother Teresa and Google. And you’ve co-authored five books, and you’re a wonderful actress, hosted the world's most popular talk-show, and you're so generous with your time and money and, oh, sorry about the OWN ratings. If it’s any consolation, you’re too smart for the world, Oprah. People are getting stupider. I mean, they'd rather watch Snooki. She’s SO annoying, oh my God. And she’s bringing a baby into this world. Lord help us all!

Oprah: Mm, mm, mm mm. She looks at her watch. Well, I do need to leave now. Before I go, though, you seem to have bundle of insecurities.

Robyn: Oh I do, Oprah. Thanks for noticing. Robyn smiles proudly.  This whole writing thing, and writing in first-person, and what the *bleep* —sorry— I mean, what was I thinking? I’m one big *bleep*n —sorry again—rancid glob of insecurities. You know?

Oprah nods. Mm, mm, mm mm.

Oprah: Well sweetie, I’ll leave you and your viewers with this: You, and only YOU —she points directly at the camera— know the passions of your heart. Follow them. FOLLOW THEM. Be true to your life’s passions, and keep faith in your inner voice. That’s what this journey is all about.

Robyn: Thank you so much Oprah! You are truly inspiring.

Oprah bounces up and departs with a wave. Gayle’s waiting by the exit. They exchange a hug, then take off in a limousine bound for Yosemite.

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P.S. To everyone who finished the A-Z challenge, congratulations! Every post I read was top-notch. You did great, and I know it wasn’t easy.

P.P.S. To everyone, keep following your passions. Happy May!

Insecure Writer's Support Group Featuring Dr. Ruth Westheimer

It seems insecurities delight in wreaking havoc with creative minds, so  Alex J. Cavanaugh  founded an Insecure Writer’s Support Group. We’re posting monthly, exposing our insecurities and/or offering support to each other. Please check out Alex’s link to visit others’ posts. It’s a group of kind-hearted bloggers/writers, authors and all-around great folks.  

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And now, we are incredibly fortunate to welcome Dr. Ruth Westheimer to our studio. Though orphaned by the Holocaust, Dr. Ruth displays exceptional resilience and boldness. In 1980, she launched her radio show, Sexually Speaking. Dr. Ruth quickly drew worldwide popularity for her grandmotherly appearance yet unflinching candor. Her accolades include at least 35 published books, and a stint as a sniper in the Israeli Defense Forces. Plus she’s tiny - about my height. I look up to her. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s welcome Dr. Ruth Westheimer.

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Dr. Ruth, at age 83, strolls on stage with a warm smile and wave. Robyn gives her a hug and invites her to take a seat.

Robyn: Welcome, Dr. Ruth! It’s a great honor to have you here to talk about s, s, s,se..cks.

Dr. Ruth: My dear why are you stuttering?

Robyn: Laughing nervously and turning red-faced. I guess I have insecurities. That’s why I asked you here.

Dr. Ruth: You have sexual insecurities? Could it be vaginismus? Are you not achieving orgasm during intercourse? Is he suffering from erectile dysfunction? Have you consulted a doctor about Viagra? Tell me what the problem is.

Robyn: Oh, God. My heart races, legs and arms begin convulsing radically, and I stare down at my feet. Well, I, I don’t actually have ANY sexual problems. Because I’m not having ANY sex these days. It’s more a matter of needing to write about my asexuality. And that feels abnormal and kinda embarrassing. Plus there were some thwarted attempts to have s, s, se--. Crap! Dr. Ruth, it was never my fault that the guys couldn’t, you know, but it’s still humiliating. And the men I’ve been meeting these days, whew, talk about nutters! I’m so turned off I don’t even want to high-five them wearing latex gloves and a gas mask. Ah – I sigh— celibacy is relieving.

Dr. Ruth: So you don’t have a sex partner? Is that what you’re trying to say?

Robyn: I guess. I think. I mean, yes, I don’t have a partner. That’s status quo for me.

Dr. Ruth: No problem. Go into your bedroom, close the door, read steamy books, play Barry White, and bring yourself to pleasure.

Robyn: My face evokes utter disgust. Oh, God, I can’t. I just can’t.

Dr. Ruth: Why not? Quit whining and enjoy yourself.

Robyn: No, it’s not that. It’s just…Barry White, Doctor Ruth?  I’d climax in my own vomit.

Dr. Ruth: Well then try Marvin Gaye.

Robyn: That’s better. I relax into a lengthy exhale, pull a Big Hunk bar out of my purse and hand her a piece. Thanks so much, Dr. Ruth. You’re a true gem. You’ve really enlightened me and the world.

We walk off stage, arm in arm, exchanging grins and chatter while nibbling at chunks of Big Hunk.

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End note 1: I really can’t do justice to this endearing woman or her German accent, which I didn’t even attempt to inject. For a more authentic snippet and/or a bit or nostalgia, go here:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=holCQf1GxZU

End note 2: I opted out of the A-Z Challenge this year, mainly to focus on my book. But I feel some guilt over reaping the benefits (thanks to Alex’s sweet shout-out yesterday) without trudging through the alphabet. Sending gratitude to new followers; energy and drive - plus delight, donuts, and divine inspiration - to those currently contending with “d”; and much appreciation to my dear friend, Alex!