During the writer's retreat in Big Sur (see past posts), Author Pam Houston facilitated a list-writing exercise. My end product went on and on and on, and further. So I've scaled it down to the worst 13. Enjoy.
Thirteen Ways in Which Male Suitors Failed to Endear Me:
- By telling me through email that he really enjoyed my “epistle.” This prompted me to simultaneously research the word “epistle” and grab my crotch.
- By stating, after sex, in a whiny tone, “We don’t have an emotional connection.”
- In response to my stating that my marriage lasted only thirteen months, he expelled in excruciating details his winning recipe for grilled shrimp. Admittedly, I was awestruck that he knew about a connection between my ex and shrimp.
- By asking which comes first, preschool or kindergarten. In response, I gingerly explained that preschool comes first. Thus, the term “preschool.”
- By diagramming his inner ear on a napkin to explain his cochlear implants.
- By getting us stuck in his truck overnight, buried in three feet of mud, in the desert, with no phone signal or phones, and offering me as comfort one lone stale Oreo cookie from the glove compartment. Actually, the Oreo was a sweet gesture; I didn’t decline.
- By sending a text in which he spelled “college,” “collage.”
- By being 45 yet refraining from making-out, for weeks on end, because it involves too much of a commitment and might lead to sex.
- By telling me we have no future because I’m not a vegetarian.
- By proudly boasting that he’ll pay for my muffin and tea, then unleashing from his wallet a buy-ten-get-one-free card.
- With his arms around me as we lay outstretched on his couch, he said that I remind him of his mother.
- By declaring that Reagan is his President. Never mind his political ideology, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that Reagan had died eight years earlier.
- By staring endearingly at, and fingering, his smart phone throughout the date, then abruptly ending the date by stating, “Well it was nice meeting you again.” I’d never met him before, and I wished I’d never met him in the first place. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We haven't seen DuPont in a while. I finally paid a visit. Still dressed for July 4th? I'm not sure.
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Have a great week, as July turns into August.
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