And I Wrote This Book.

Monday, July 28, 2014

My Dating Life in 13 Bullet Points & DuPont


During the writer's retreat in Big Sur (see past posts), Author Pam Houston facilitated a list-writing exercise. My end product went on and on and on, and further. So I've scaled it down to the worst 13. Enjoy.
Thirteen Ways in Which Male Suitors Failed to Endear Me:
  • By telling me through email that he really enjoyed my “epistle.” This prompted me to simultaneously research the word “epistle” and grab my crotch.
  • By stating, after sex, in a whiny tone, “We don’t have an emotional connection.”
  • In response to my stating that my marriage lasted only thirteen months, he expelled in excruciating details his winning recipe for grilled shrimp. Admittedly, I was awestruck that he knew about a connection between my ex and shrimp.
  • By asking which comes first, preschool or kindergarten. In response, I gingerly explained that preschool comes first. Thus, the term “preschool.”
  • By diagramming his inner ear on a napkin to explain his cochlear implants.
  • By getting us stuck in his truck overnight, buried in three feet of mud, in the desert, with no phone signal or phones, and offering me as comfort one lone stale Oreo cookie from the glove compartment. Actually, the Oreo was a sweet gesture; I didn’t decline.
  • By sending a text in which he spelled “college,” “collage.”
  • By being 45 yet refraining from making-out, for weeks on end, because it involves too much of a commitment and might lead to sex.
  • By telling me we have no future because I’m not a vegetarian.
  • By proudly boasting that he’ll pay for my muffin and tea, then unleashing from his wallet a buy-ten-get-one-free card.
  • With his arms around me as we lay outstretched on his couch, he said that I remind him of his mother.
  • By declaring that Reagan is his President. Never mind his political ideology, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that Reagan had died eight years earlier.
  • By staring endearingly at, and fingering, his smart phone throughout the date, then abruptly ending the date by stating, “Well it was nice meeting you again.” I’d never met him before, and I wished I’d never met him in the first place. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We haven't seen DuPont in a while. I finally paid a visit. Still dressed for July 4th? I'm not sure.  
Have a great week, as July turns into August.

    53 comments:

    1. Your list amuses me. I could write one of my own, but most of it would be too filthy to post. Thank God for Willy Dunne Wooters and no more dating.

      Love,
      Janie

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    2. Scary, scary people. Oxygen thieves one and all. What a pity that they aren't (probably) all homosexual. They sound like matches made in heaven - for each other.

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    3. The mother one is the worst. And creepy as hell!
      Dupont looks sporty.

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    4. Wow those guys sound like real prizes. lol

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    5. Is DuPont single? Based on that list, you could do worse.

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    6. lol the mother one would just make any normal person cringe. And might lead to sex? What's wrong with that? lol have to steer clear of many of those vegetarians they don't have much "meat" on their bones anyway, right? lol

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    7. Oh my! There are some real doozies in there. It's a scary world out there in dating land.

      Not sure what DuPont is wearing, but he looks quite dapper. :)

      Hope you have a good week!

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    8. By stating, after sex, in a whiny tone, “We don’t have an emotional connection.”

      This one really made me cackle. Thanks for the laughs.

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    9. I laughed out loud at the 45 year old who wouldn't make out because it might lead to sex, if only because I once dated a girl who wouldn't answer questions like "what's your favorite color?" and "do you have brothers or sisters?" because then we might form some kind of emotional connection and "get serious" before she was ready.

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    10. You've had some rotten luck that's for sure. At least you can find some entertainment out of it?

      DuPont...looks like fire? Interesting.

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    11. JJ, you'd get a lot of hits. Then again, you'd probably get hit on by a lot of creeps.

      EC, I love the term "oxygen thieves"! Thank you for making me chuckle. I agree; they're meant for each other.

      Alex, I'm laughing at your comment. Creepy indeed.

      JoJo, your wonderful man is looking more wonderful. Yes?

      Debra, excellent point. And you know what they say about horses. Plus, I haven't seen him galloping with anyone. Oh, Lord, this is getting hilariously twisted.

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    12. Pat, yeah, I kept thinking "Why date?" I mean, he didn't want to make-out or do anything on the sexual spectrum. What's the point, really?

      Daisy, a good week to you too.

      Stephen, I'm glad my pain caused you to cackle.

      BnB, I don't understand why these people go on dates. If they don't want to connect with someone else; don't want to kiss, say, on the lips or with tongue; and they definitely don't want a relationship of any sort - God forbid - why are they dating?

      BabySis, I thought it looked like fire. I'm glad I'm not the only one. Yeah, well, the good thing about my lack-of-love life is that you all find humor in it. I'm still bewildered by this fact, as much as it thrills me. Someone's gotta benefit.

      Keep a smile, my friends.
      xoRobyn

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    13. Every syllable of this made me laugh, not because I could relate, but because I know I was at some point the scumbag who said or did something horrible that would have made this list. i chalk it up to "youthful indiscretion". The only thing that saved me was the pillow talk where I was asked why I wouldn't ask my bedmate out on a legitimate date, and my response was, "Well, your birthday is coming up and I don't want to buy a present," and my bedmate laughed. That's when I knew I found the one. (To prove I'm not a total scumbag, I've been with this person for more than 12 years.)

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    14. If you aren't trying to get lucky after the age of 45, then wtf is the point of dating then? Sounds like that one just needs to move back in with HIS mother!

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    15. You shouldn't worry about looking like that guy's mother, Robyn. Everyone looks like somebody's mother, including Depont. Did you find out whether had an Oedipus complex?

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    16. Oh my. Still rolling my eyes from the preschool one. Being serious for just a moment - try the Jewish Bulletin in SF. That's how I met my hubby (and I only went on the date to prove to a friend only creeps advertise in the paper, turned out I was wrong).

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    17. Robyn you deserve chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.
      Really, chocolate is the answer.

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    18. LOL oh my lord, he really told you that you reminded him of his mother. "NEXT"!

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    19. I laughed and cringed at your list. Wow. Chocolate required, stat!

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    20. The dude who doesn't want to make out because it might lead to sex worries me. Imagine what he'll be like in 10 years?

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    21. buwahahaha My son and his wife were visiting and he kept calling her 'mom.' At one point in the visit he told her, 'you guys remind me so much of each other.' She likes me, but I saw her instant grimace, hahahaha. I told him 'never compare your wife to your mama, two totally different kinds of people/loves.' She seemed instantly relieved and he just laughed. I don't think he even knew... lolol

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    22. Funny, funny list.

      Poor Dupont. He looks like he has large sperm all over him. No idea what it really is...

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    23. You went on a date with a time traveler and didn't even ask him how he did it?! Or he was suffering early stages of Alzheimers and staying comfortable in the Reagan era. (I once worked in a nursing home and there was a lady who answered all questions perfectly for 1945. She was still living there, in her mind)

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    24. Huh. Being 45 never stopped me from making out.
      Now, at 56, the only thing stopping me from making out is a willing partner.

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    25. These sound like some real winners.

      I fell asleep on a date a couple of weeks ago. I wasn't really surprised when he didn't ask me out again...

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    26. Robyn, they are so hilarious and yet so sad! lol Where do you find these guys? You couldn't make this stuff up could you?

      You have areal gift, not just for writing, but for finding the real treasures amongst the male population. Populace. Poplar trees.. Ah, its all so confusing.

      Brilliant Robyn. I hope one day these end up in a book. They deserve to be shared with the world!

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    27. Robin, yeah, I thought they possibly resemble sperm too.

      Elizabeth, when I last visited my grandma - she had Alzheimer's and was in her late 80s - I tested her memory. It went like this: "Bubbeh, how old are you?" She looked up and thought about it momentarily, then with certainty and a nod, she said "thirty five." Yeah, Bubbeh aged fast.

      Al, keep working on your wife. First things first, beg to get back into the house.

      Karen, that's hilarious! I want details of that date. Perhaps he was such a clueless twit, he didn't notice you fell asleep.

      Anthony, thanks so much. It's a matter of stretching this madness out into a full length novel. That's my current project. =)

      Love you all,
      xoRobyn

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    28. Personally, I don't see any problems here. You've just listed all of my best features.

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    29. I agree with Debra. DuPont certainly has more personality than most of your dates, and we know he's got style.

      Julie

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    30. Well, it’s a nice one, I have been looking for. Thanks for sharing such informative stuff.
      For more details, Please visit our website @ http://www.stellareastern.com/

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    31. Shiwani, really? You've been looking for this "information"? You find it nice? Are you female, male, horse or robot? Whatever the case, I suggest you pursue any or all of the options. Perhaps you're the one of their dreams.

      PS I am so sick and tired of scammers. And if you're going to keep dropping by, please DO NOT TELL ME YOU LEARNED SO MUCH HERE, because that says to me that I've failed miserably as a blogger.

      Addman, my condolences to your better half. Kindly hand over a cookie before I snag the whole jar.

      Julie, I'm laughing. Deb had a worthy suggestion. Should I get to know him better by riding bareback? Eww, you people are driving my brain further through the gutter. LOL. I love it. Thanks.

      Keep a smile,
      xoRobyn

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    32. I've stolen some items from your list to read to my kids. They need to know this stuff. :-)

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    33. Yikes. That's definitely a list of duds. It's been a long time since I was looking, but I definitely had my fair share of awkward, strange or otherwise disconcerting. It's a fun game, eh?

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    34. When I was 45, I WISHED I was making out. Heck, I wished I'd been more into making out at 20. LOL

      (E.C. is a hoot! xD)

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    35. Maybe Dupont was preparing for an upcoming holiday event.

      You list was so funny. I assume that getting stuck in the mud, was in Joshua Tree or maybe Anza Borrego?

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    36. YES, Pat! Anza Borrego! Heehee. I believe I shared snippets here and there on your blog in reference to that nightmare. While I was scared for my life, I was relieved to have a substantial excuse to end the relationship!

      Melissa, I'm 48 now and wish to make out. It's fun, I hear.

      Thanks, all. Every one of your comments made me laugh (except Shiwani's)!
      Love it, and you.
      xoRobyn

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    37. This list is hilarious! All the more so because you can laugh about these losers. The "no making out" guy reminds me of someone I knew in college who would sleep with just about anyone but would never kiss them, because "kissing is only for my girlfriend, because that's special." UGH!

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    38. BAHAHAHA! Oh, Robyn... These are horrible. And hilarious. Horribly hilarious. These guys breathe oxygen? Or are they not getting enough to the brain? LOL... The one about reminding you of his mother freaks me out.

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    39. you funny, funny woman. i dont know whether to - well, laugh? i have to because you are to damn comical. i guess as a social worker you have to keep up your sense of humor. cry? because i think i have a couple of those same experiences myself. super fabulous post robyn. cheers!!

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    40. I'd have accepted an Oreo, too. :) I'd say DuPont is still celebrating Cinquo de Mayo! ;)

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    41. Hi Robyn,

      Can't stay long...my internet shutting down is imminent....Ah, I'm still here....

      Such endearing mumblings by insensitive suitors. Any dude who walks around carrying a full-length mirror to admire himself, my also be a clue.

      Thank goodness you embrace the irony of idiots. Talk about taking the epistle....

      Hugs and have a peaceful, hopeful weekend, dear Robyn. Yep, it's August! :)

      Gary :) x

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    42. Oh, my. I think my favorite a-hole is no emotional connection after sex guy. Who is your favorite a-hole? :)
      Love ya!

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    43. Lynda, one can only laugh at that non-mentality mentality.

      Dawn, I've gotta hand it to the epistle a-hole. The trajectory of his epistle was, oy...don't get me started.

      Love you all!
      xoRobyn

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    44. I feel bad for laughing really hard at these.

      www.modernworld4.blogspot.com

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    45. The guy who diagrammed his inner ear on a napkin sounds like my type.

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    46. Where are you finding these gems? You need to look somewhere else.

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    47. But I've looked under every rock I've seen, LD. ??

      Hugs, all!
      xoRobyn

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    48. Brilliant. It must be so satisfying to have one's epistle eppreciated.

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    49. I laughed! I had someone tell me I reminded them of their mom(sought the first exit). I had a date with a man who talked all about his chocolate fountain. I also had a date with a man who had no teeth ( the power of internet dating). Shudder:)

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