And I Wrote This Book.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Reasons for Celibacy #398-402 and the Flat-Faced Dog Lover's Final Bark

My Dear Sillies,

How's March treating you? Even though the bigger picture seems to grow increasingly unbearable, and because of this, may the smaller picture of your daily life be a pleasant one.

As for me, I'm doing fine. I do best, as you likely noticed, when single and not in that crazy zone that I readily enter when there's a man in my vicinity (or body part). It's not as much fun this way, but it's a lot more calm and productive.  Since that whole bar brawl saga, too, it feels good and necessary to have quiet weekends to myself.

All this said, to further validate that celibacy is really the most sane option for a single straight gal, I now move us past 400 (WOOHOO!) reasons for this calm and boring lifestyle. They're lifted from real on-line dating ads, flavored by my italicized comments, and posted for your enjoyment.
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REASON #398: K First off I know most of you woman can't read, or your color blind, or just have no self respect. K most of this woman can tell that your personality and (lack of) intellect won’t get you a date at the Taco Bell Drive Thru, Walmart aisle 5 (7 maybe, but not 5), or the 7-11 at 12th and Broadway in any city anywhere, anytime. 

REASON #399:
I_wear_pants.
And for that, honey, the world thanks you.

REASON #400:
swm who wants to have the pleasure of worshiping a ladies feet. Ive only had the expirence once and loved it.id love to be rubbing your feet and massaging your ankles n heals would make my day . You mean, like real foot worship? I like to bring a man to his knees, sweetie, but I toe the line at a foot fetish.

REASON #401:
You’re almost there, babe. Almost.

REASON #402:
I;m sure we all have similar stories and are trying to get back on our horse, so with that Giddy up,,  YEEHAW! Ladies and Gentleman, it’s Punctuation Cowboy!

REASON #403:
I'm looking for forever. Only I want it yesterday. Can we talk today
I’ll let you know tomorrow, darling.
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   And do you remember the Flat-Faced Dog Lover? He brought his dog, Heidi, with him on dates. Yeah, things were going well; I was certain he’d seal the deal by initiating a kiss at the end of date two. Instead, Flat Face scurried madly to let his doggy out of the car. [“I've gotta go get Heidi!" he shouted as I prepared to lean in for the pucker.] That was over six months ago, and no barks from him since. Not until this recent text message:

Hi Robyn. It’s (Flat-Faced Dog Lover). How are you? Sorry I disappeared a while back. If you’d like to reconnect msg me back.”

Thank you for the message. I'm well. Hope you are too. Gonna pass on a reconnect. Best wishes to you” –I paused in a moment of thoughtful contemplation. . . Do I add what I’m thinking of adding? Yes! No! Yes! Do it for your readers! So yes, I did add . . . “and your dog.

Sent.
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Keep a smile, my friends.
Take good care of yourselves.

54 comments:

  1. Oh, your response was hilarious. But I think that line may have hooked him! And if you don't know what that means, just use your "imgaination."

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    Replies
    1. My imgaination takes me to the strangest of places, Mitchell.

      Delete
  2. These ads make celibacy look better and better. It is your hair in the marmalade, and you are living with someone who can spell. And read. And think.

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    1. You got it, EC. And I know that my hair is clean.

      Delete
  3. I like your name for Punctuation Cowboy the best!

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    1. Thanks Wilma. Imagine being an announcer of a horse race - "And now Punctuation Cowboy takes the lead, with a low hanging semi-colon!"

      Delete
  4. I think you'd be better off dating Flat-Faced Dog Lover's dog than Flat-Faced Dog Lover!!

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  5. Six months after bringing his dog on a date he wants to connect? You made the right decision.

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    1. Yeah, I thought it couldn't get any weirder. There was no explanation, either, just an invite to re-connect. Perhaps Heidi was behind it all.

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  6. I guess in between his dog was keeping him happy...

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    1. Lol. You're probably right, Alex. Maybe she left him for a less needy owner.

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  7. I love your response to Flat-Faced Dog Lover! And I gotta say, Robyn, of ALL the kinks out there, surely a foot fetish is the most harmless and innocuous. Apparently it's the most common kink among men and perhaps (*ahem*) among a few women too. Just commenting for a friend, you understand.

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    1. Haha. You're funny. Please tell your friend, yes, it would be nice to get regular foot treatment by a loved one. But not by a strange man who's only looking for a woman's feet. My feet are just okay. Other parts of me are better and more deserving of worship.

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  8. Dog guy said "woof, woof" way too late and glad you added that last bit. As for foot fetish....must be my first cousin. One Christmas, he grabbed my foot and started massaging it and talking about how lovely my feet were and wouldn't let go! I think I was , maybe, 18 and he was something like 42. I never took my shoes off again when he was near.

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    1. That's creepy, Birgit. Eww. Yep, it's probably him.

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  9. Now if the foot fetish guy could write with perfect grammar and punctuation, I hope you'd be curious at least. I mean he can't stay down there forever, can he? :)

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    1. I'd think not, GB. My feet are really small. How long could he last??

      Delete
  10. If I got a foot massage out of the deal, one date with foot fetish guy would be okay. Just one though. Unless he's really good with pedicures.

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    Replies
    1. Haha. I only got a pedicure once, and they cut into my toe. Never again, especially not from a guy with a foot fetish.

      Delete
  11. I enjoyed reading your post. I like being single at the moment, and have been for nearly a year. My pet dog keeps me company. Thank you. Love love, Andrew. Bye.

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    1. Thank you for dropping in, Andrew. I appreciate it. And yes, there are wonderful things about being single. And lousy things about being connected (and vice versa and yada yada). Well, that yada yada part is the clincher. But I have stuffed animals to keep me company. Not that way. I'll quit rambling now, nice to meet you. =)

      Delete
  12. Punctuation cowboy may be just to get up and go to punctuate right.

    Dog guy must have got tired of getting kisses from his dog after she licked her butt.

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    Replies
    1. Or tired of sleeping in the dog house with her, or something like that, Pat.

      Delete
  13. Hilarious as always. And hey - number 399 could be a keeper. Are the pants clean?

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    Replies
    1. I wonder. And does he wear the same pair every day?
      Thanks Joanne.

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  14. Replies
    1. Always glad to make you laugh, JoJo.
      Thank you.

      Delete
  15. Pants, feet, illiteracy, and dogs. It sure is an interesting, yet strange, world out there. I would be afraid to go outside.

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  16. "ankles n heals"? What is his plan. To sprain your ankles so that he has to heals them?

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    1. Bwahaha! How does one put her ankle in a heel, much less a heal, and then walk? Or does she? It gets weirder by the moment. Thank you for making me laugh, Ruth.

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  17. Your responses are always hilarious. I loved the "almost there" response to "imgaination". That was brilliant.

    These dating site posts make me fear for human kind. Are there no worthy single men left in your area?

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    1. As far as I can tell, Cheryl, there isn't one here or perhaps anywhere in the world.

      Thank you.

      Delete
  18. Punctuation, punctuation. Haha. Oh, you've got the best responses ever.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Lux. These ads practically write their own comeback lines. Easy peasy. Smiles.

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  19. Replies
    1. Maybe, Janie. But it doesn't appeal to me to fill in for his dog - if you know what I mean.
      Love.

      Delete
  20. "And your dog." Ahahahaha! Thanks for the laugh today. :-)

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  21. This post was great from beginning to end. The ending though, was classic. So darn funny! I remember that guy...

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  22. Damn, where to begin? First off, how did I miss your bar brawl post? I suck. That was a hell of a story.

    Second, congrats on surpassing 400! #398 is a genius. I actually landed my wife because I called her stupid and illiterate. Women LOVE that kind of thing.

    And third, classic response to Flat Face. Bravo.

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    1. You didn't even have to call your wife fat or ugly? That's amazing. You got an easy one.

      Thanks for catching up on my bar brawl saga. It was pretty exciting. Thanks for the other words of praise too. You're awesome, not sucky.

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    2. No no, I call her fat and ugly NOW so that she'll stay with me. Women love to be reminded that they'd be alone if it wasn't for you, because they're fat and ugly and no one else is capable of loving them.

      It's the hopeless romantic in me, you know.

      Also, the two of us can't even say we've ever been in a bar brawl, for as many bars as we've frequented, so you've definitely got one up on us. I know it wasn't technically a 'brawl', but still. That's legit street cred.

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    3. Woohoo. I'm proud of my legit street cred. Thanks, Bryan.

      Delete
  23. Oh Robyn, you make me so glad I was long out of the dating game before online dating sites, or even texting.

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    1. Yeah, it's amazing how bad the texting things has gotten, LD. On-line dating isn't as bad to me. But even middle aged men are thinking they're having relationships when all the do is send (illiterate) texts. It's frightening and annoying.

      Thanks for your comment.

      Delete
  24. The grammar is beyond my wildest imagination!

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  25. Reason 403 and your response is classic!

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  26. Who does that- just vanish for 6 months and then oh hey? Great response and definitely right decision. I have lots of single gals here in dallas. Their stories make me cringe from the messages they get from guys online. Yuck! Have a great weekend

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  27. 403 - haha Great comeback.
    It seems you have an Arabic admirer! Must be all those erotic poems haha
    Nice pass on Dog man. Not nice coming second after a bitch lol

    xo

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    1. Haha. I'm waiting for Adham to buy my books already. I wonder how many times he's professed his undying love for me. Or is he wanting to kill me? It's hard to tell.

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