Monday, March 23, 2015

Martha Stewart, Alphabetized: The Preview

In a desperate ploy to reach 700 followers, I asked Martha Stewart to host the A-Z Challenge at my blog this April. In turn, Stewy said, "Well because your blog is...how shall I put this?...a shlocky, tasteless a piece of *bleep,* mind you, in need of a dramatic upgrade, I'll do it. But only if I can attain proprietary rights to the gentlemen who pose with me for the alphabetized photo shoot." With my fingers crossed behind my back, I told her, "Sure, *bleep,* I promise that you can keep N's Naughty prison guard and all the rest." So...
Coming soon to a screen near you:

 MARTHA STEWART
GIVES NEW MEANING TO ADULT LIFESTYLE!


Pictured above:  V's Vaginal Vac
 MARTHA STEWART
SHE'S DARING.
                                                                             D's Daring Dominatrix










MARTHA STEWART 
 SHE'S RAUNCHY.
R's Raunchy Red Rascal Ready-for-Action Attire

MARTHA STEWART
 SHE'S ALPHABETIZED!



Carolyn Brown and I are proud members of Jeremy Hawkins' A to Z Challenge Minion, The Letter Group, Inc.

Last but most importantly, this year's Challenge will be dedicated to blogland's dearly beloved friend and former Challenge powerhouse, Tina Downey.

83 comments:

  1. I have heard this woman's name so many times, but never quite fathomed who or what she is. I find the idea of her hosting a challenge very challenging.

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    Replies
    1. She's a snobby boring asexual elitist bazillionaire *bleep* who believes herself to be the expert on everything. She proves one and only one thing: Money can buy freedom. She's a criminal, GB. She was found guilty of inside trade secrecy/tax fraud/lying, deceit, etc. but only had to serve a small fraction of her sentencce in an upscale prison that looks more like a bed and breakfast.

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    2. Add to that other lawsuits including a line of sun-chairs that snapped off people's limbs, causing amputation. She denied and dismissed all claims. Meanwhile, she ruined many lives. I can't imagine the horrors these people went through. There were other lawsuits too...Sorry, you got me started. But she's really excited about this series, GB. Come back and see what she sports. I think it'll be entertaining.

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  2. Looking forward to a month full of laughter. And the odd calorie chewing shudder.

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    1. Yeah, I think the only one not shuddering, EC, is Martha. She's getting ready to do the Naughty Prison Guard - assuming he'll accept her advances. That woman's ego is far too big for blogland.

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  3. I had no idea Martha Stewart was such a fox.

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    Replies
    1. I know, right? Just wait until April. You'll see a lot more (err, less).

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  4. Martha like we've never known her. Can't wait.

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    Replies
    1. This will be fun, Delores. Martha is so excited. She's smiling for the first time in her life.

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  5. Replies
    1. That's a respectable way to put it, Martha. Thank you.

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  6. Oh, this is going to be awesome!!!! I take it Martha never submitted in the stony lonesome, not even in a weak moment. Oh wait, she never has weak moments. Silly me!!!!

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    Replies
    1. Oh my, "stoney lonesome". One wonders what stories they have about her there. Yeah, probably nothing. She's clearly in desperate need of a good...personality.

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  7. Replies
    1. Thanks, Alex. I hope so. At least, Martha expects that it will be.

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  8. Well, Martha Stewart was a model in her early days, so her foxiness doesn't surprise me. However, one thing that will forever haunt me (and now, hopefully, you too) is that she used to date Anthony Hopkins. Picture it. Put in your mind her bumping uglies with Hannibal Lector.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, Pickleope Von Pickleope. She broke up with him after she saw the movie, because she could no longer bump uglies with Hannibal Lector. True story. She proudly states that she couldn't stay with the guy after seeing the movie. Funny.

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  9. LOL! Martha as we've never seen her before.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes - that Martha, the one with a personality and some interesting fetishes. Smile.

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  10. Oh my gosh, this is an awesome theme! I love Martha's cooking recipes!

    Morgan @ morgankatz505.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Morgan.

      Her cooking recipes seem very basic. Then again, so does she - at least until April.

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    2. Fun fact: one time the wife and I made a Martha Stewart recipe because we saw it in a magazine and it sounded good. We both bit into it... and it was truly the worst thing we'd ever tasted. We both started laughing, spit it out, and threw it all in the trash. Then we grabbed take out. It was that bad.

      Keep in mind that my nickname around the house is "the human garbage disposal" because I'll pretty much eat anything. But not Martha Stewart's cooking. Even *I* have standards.

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    3. Great story, Bryan. I mean, just watching her make a salad and describe what she's doing, I fall asleep. Plus some of the photos of her food look puke-inducing. She's an idiot with nothing to offer, but she has loads of money so she rules the world (in her own mind, at least).

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  11. haha Martha as candid as can be. This is going to be fun, hopefully she doesn't make everyone throw up though.

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    Replies
    1. If Martha hasn't already made everyone throw up, it's not likely. Then again, she does inspire vomit.

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  12. I'm looking forward to your posts.....but the paralegal in me is hoping she doesn't see your blog b/c knowing her, she would sue you. lol

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    1. Thanks, JoJo. I'm not worried about Stewart vs Engel. For one, I have nothing, and you can't get blood from a turnip so no lawyer's gonna wanna try. Plus, this would only defame her if it ruined her business and reflected poorly on her. Rather, her sex life might start. I think she owes me, in fact. A LOT.

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  13. OF COURSE Martha recommends a vaginal vac -- her rival Gwyneth Paltrow recommends vaginal steaming, so Martha has to one up her!

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    Replies
    1. That's an interesting factoid, Deb. Steam cleaning gets the job done most throroughly, right? I'd have to give this win to Gwynny.

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  14. Ha! So i'm guessing a dirty beaver finds a woodpecker? Suck that up, Miss M.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yeah, we're gonna have some fun around here.
      Thanks, DC.

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  15. Martha Stewart has a great body for her age!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She really does, and wait until you see what she's been doing to get so fit.

      Thanks for dropping by, Lauren.

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  16. digging deep into the dirty corners of Martha. Quite hilarious

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    Replies
    1. Now that you put it that way, I think I need a new theme. I feel sick. LOL. Thanks, Joanne.

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  17. 700 followers? Look at you with your own bad self.
    I only have 295 sufferers.
    Can I borrow Martha when you're done?

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    Replies
    1. You'd be the first to ask, Al. I'll send that *bleep* your way when I'm through. And watch, my numbers will go DOWN thanks to her. Perhaps I should go with a Gary Coleman in tighty whitey theme instead. (?)

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  18. We were just this moment talking about Martha! San Geraldo is about to do the topping for his two lemon merengue pies. He doesn't need a recipe (he perfected meringue a long time ago), but thought he'd see if there was something unusual online. He came away laughing. Everyone had rules. "Never use powdered sugar -- only granulated." "Never use granulated — only powdered." Martha said he needed to heat the mixture while preparing to make the GRANULATED sugar dissolve." I told him he should just do what he always does. Besides, Martha I'm sure only uses sugar processed from her own backyard sugar cane fields.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, yes, don't listen to Martha - whatever you do. It's the so-called experts whose advice isn't worth a grain of sugar or Stevia, even.

      PS Any pie left, Mitchell?

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  19. Who is this woman Martha Stewart? Zoinks she is a hotty... thanks for being part of this and my crew...

    Jeremy [Retro]
    AtoZ Challenge Co-Host [2015]

    There's no earthly way of knowing.
    Which direction we are going!

    HOLLYWOOD NUTS!
    Come Visit: You know you want to know if me or Hollywood... is Nuts?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're all nuts, Jeremy. Some with added salt. When Alex announced that Jeremy needs help, I said "I like that guy. I'm in."

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  20. I love Martha's 3rd hand:) This will be fun:)

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    1. Isn't it cool how it reaches out of her boob, Birgit. She really does have some unique talents.

      Thank you.

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  21. You're already at 691 followers. Talk about setting the bar low. I hope #337 doesn't read this. BEST THEME EVER!!! I've never gone with an A to Z theme before, and you're gonna go through the roof with this one! Vaginal Vac?! It's times like these I wished you autographed Just The Right Time, and Old Broads for me!

    Julie

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    1. Thanks so much, Julie. Regarding setting the bar though, low, I've lost more followers these past months than I've gained. We'll see. Martha might likely run this blog into the two digits.

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    2. PS switch "though" and "low." Yo oy, my brain works in mysterious ways.

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    3. Robyn - This doesn't make any sense. Your posts have been more fun than ever, and anyone who knows you knows how thoughtful you are. You do have a large group of steady followers, who are extremely loyal. The others have no idea what they're missing. Bring it on, Martha!

      Julie xoxo

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  22. Replies
    1. Thank you, Peaches. And thanks for the follow. It's much appreciated.

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  23. Laughing at your posts will be my main source of exercise.

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    Replies
    1. Great. I'm honored to help provide a fitness routine for you in April - thanks to Martha.

      Thank you, Stephen.

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  24. I just have to say, I love the picture of Martha where she has a third hand emerging from her sparkly red cleavage. Well done. :) Good luck with the challenge!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Martha: Giving a whole new meaning to ambidextrous. LOL. Thank you, Sara. I appreciate your visit.

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  25. I love your blog! :) What's not to love about chocolate? And your theme looks fun too!

    @TarkabarkaHolgy from
    Multicolored Diary - Epics from A to Z
    MopDog - The crazy thing about Hungarians...

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    1. Why thank you, Tarka. Great to meet you in blogland.The Challenge will be fun.

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  26. If Martha Stewart takes over your blog, I'm going to stop reading, haha :)

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    1. I wouldn't blame you, Vanessa. You're a smart lady. Smiles.

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  27. Looks like Martha may have picked up some raunchy tips from those prison bitches she was hanging with a few years back.

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    Replies
    1. Are you kidding? She taught them everything she knows. They're hoping she'll commit fraud and inside trading again.

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  28. Haha! Well this should be intriguing. :)

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    Replies
    1. Let's hope so, BabySis. Martha pretty hyped up about it.
      Thanks. =)

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  29. Glad to be doing AtoZ again, and looking forward to your brand of humor.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's a very odd brand, isn't it? Funny, I was reviewing comments the other day and I read many an "You're nuts!" I LOVE IT!

      Thanks, Rhonda.

      Delete
  30. Wow, the most controversial write up about Martha Steward I've read so far. :D

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    1. Haha, oh there's a lot of venom out there. People just aren't as loud about it as I am. But many folks have valid reason to despise the woman.

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting, Lux.

      Delete
  31. I don't really understand the appeal of Martha Stewart or the A to Z challenge, but this one sounds like it will be a lot of laughs.

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    1. Me neither on both counts, Sage. Though I do like mocking rich and famous idiots. I'm sick and twisted that way.

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  32. First of all, chocolate is always a good thing. Second, your theme should be, as we say in Texas, a hoot! And third, you are on a great team with Jeremy,
    Life & Faith in Caneyhead
    I am Ensign B ~ One of Tremp's Troops with the
    A to Z Challenge

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  33. Replies
    1. Haha.
      Great to see you, Anna. It's been a while. Thank you for showing up here.

      Delete
  34. Those Martha Stewart pictures are hilarious.

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  35. Thanks, Mary. I've had fun with them. In fact, I don't remember having so much fun with blog posts or the A-Z challenge.

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  36. Well then! Bring it on, Martha! Sound like it will be a wild and woolly April. Thanks for the smiles, Robyn. :-) Enjoy your weekend.

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  37. Thanks, NRB and Daisy. Martha's over-the-top excited and hard to calm down right now. It's a bit frightening. Smiles.

    Have a great weekend yourselves.

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  38. Hi Robyn -- Just FYI, I answered your "Ask Me Anything" question over at my blog today.

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  39. Martha has three hands? Who knew?

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    1. Oh yes, many oddities about that woman shall be revealed here. Stay tuned.

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