Celibacy Reason #297: My Date with Butte County Assessor Wannabe's Campaign Manager

That pimple’s the size of Mt. Whitney, I thought, as I tried not to stare at my date’s forehead. How did things go so wrong? His ad boasts a “heart of gold,” and our discourse was fun.

We’d only been sitting there for a minute or two, when the waitress brought my chocolate chip pancakes and chocolate chai tea. He’d paid. Thankfully.

“I’m managing his campaign,” my date said, chowing down on french toast. “I always give them great deals. I collect my salary after they win,” he continued. “I got 90,000 after one campaign and now she won’t even talk to me. Local politicians are calling me all morning to find out my secrets. They want me to work for them...”

He spoke in a tone of fast paced, matter of fact arrogance. I sipped my tea and poured more syrup on my pancakes. “So you don’t care if their politics are opposite yours?” I interrupted.

He reiterated that he earned 90,000 from one campaign. My date then picked up his phone. He tapped on its face with his fingertips, studied it endearingly, lovingly, almost lustfully even. He very gently placed it face down on the table in front of him.

“You have somewhere to be?” I asked, devouring my pancakes.

He informed that his boss, who’s running for ASSessor (of BUTTe county), dropped him off. The guy’s six minutes away and will be picking him up. He handled his phone again, eyed it, and then carefully turned it over on the coffee table face down once more. I watched him pat it affectionately, as I gulped down some tea. 

“He’s a good guy,” he spewed. “But I told him he’s going to change. They always do. He said, ‘No I’m not going to change.’ I know how it goes. I’ve been doing this for years.”

Then, my date grabbed his phone from the table and looked at it, saying to me, “Well, it was great seeing you again.”

What the hell? You never saw me before. In fact, you studied your phone more than me. That’s three times now in the last 20 minutes! You’re kicking me out? I haven’t finished my chocolate chai tea, and there’s some lick-worthy syrup left on my plate, rudeASSessor guy!

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Kicked out by a pimple faced haughty campaign manager [for a Butte County Assessor candidate], who’s having a love affair with his phone, I now urge all locals to get out and vote for anyone running against the politician he represents. And try the chocolate chip pancakes at Beatniks on 32^nd. They’re delicious.