Ladies and Gentleman, today, I present a woman who shot straight to international musical fame five years ago, adding an indescribably unique flavor, audacity and bacon attire. Let's give it up for Lady Gaga! The crowd roars. The curtains part, and a band of oompa loompas marches across the stage singing their theme song. Oompa Loompa Doobidy Di...Then two short, chubby men trudge onto the stage carrying a large animal cage, in which rests a costumed Gaga.As the men approach center stage, we recognize them as Danny DeVito and Jason Alexander (aka George Costanza); we just don't know which is which.
Lady Gaga is dressed as a platypus skeleton. We know this because of the big graphic that McCaulay Culkin holds up to the audience before flashing Robyn his middle finger. Danny and Jason set the caged Gaga down. They scurry away to catch up with the oompa loompas for dwarf tossing games.
blue = Robyn
bolded black = actual Gaga quotes, according to buzzfeed.com
Robyn stares for a moment, studying Gaga's epipubic bones. She shouts at the cage. Hi, Lady! Yeah, um, I like your epipubic bone and girdle and horny grinding pads! Cool stuff!
Lady Gaga: It's art, b*tch! Art!
Robyn: Yeah. Some say Uranus is art. And I did a little research. You're actually a lot more brilliant and talented than I thought. I mean, you played piano by age four and got into Juilliard by eleven. Not bad. Why the need to dress as a platypus and weird sh*t like that?
Lady Gaga: I don't know what you mean. This is who the f*ck I am!
Robyn: Okay. Hey, no problem or hard feelings, Gags. Say, do you have any advice for insecure writers? You've written a lot of books. And you don't seem insecure in the slightest.
Lady Gaga: Yes. She takes a thoughtful breath and looks through the cage walls into the camera, with sincerity. Don't be insecure if your heart is pure. She takes another thoughtful breath and speaks more slowly this time. You have to be unique, and different, and shine in your own way.
Robyn: I like that. I've also read, though, that while you claim to be all humanitarian and stuff, you're not a charitable person by any means. What do you have to say to that?
Lady Gaga: Ignore all hatred and criticism. Live for what you create and die protecting it.
Robyn: That's really profound. I like it. Pretty good for a pus. Robyn chuckles, amused by herself.
Gaga rolls her eyes. Get me out of this damn thing, would ya?
Robyn: Sure thing. Robyn swings open the cage door, and Gaga crawls out with her skeleton platypus costume still on and intact. Gaga stands up and offers Robyn a half-smile.
Robyn looks at the camera. Thank you for coming to today's show, everybody.
She turns to Gaga. Do horny grinding pads really work?
Gaga nods "yes" and the two appear to engage in friendly banter as they walk off the stage.