Sunday, March 9, 2014

Hop on the Bus, Gus: Reasons for Celibacy #287-296

A straight single woman (e.g., me) easily uncovers multiple reasons to choose celibacy. Ten such reasons follow. They're lifted directly from internet dating ads and flavored by snark. Hope you enjoy...

REASON #287: Are you she?
No I’m me. Are you he?

REASON #288:
What's shakin bacon? 
What’s gooey stewy? What’s fat cat? Hammy Pammy? Black Jack?
Don't need to be coy, Roy.
Just listen to me. Hop on the bus, Gus. You don't need to discuss much. 
Just drop off the key, Lee. And get yourself free. 
*Lyrics from Paul Simon’s Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover

REASON #289:
Someone who wants to learn new things and above all--someone who wants to experience their experiences!  I know, right? Because experiences are best when experienced. Like one time I had an experience that I didn’t experience. I don’t want to experience that again, dude.

REASON #290:
i am looking for an exclusive, serious, long term, committed relationship with a sweet, sensitive, sincere, affectionate, romantic, attractive, LOCAL (Anywhere in the world. I don't like superficial people they usually have no depth.  Yeah I noticed that too, especially the shallow ones. Ideally, a singleton would find someone who’s not superficial, and who has depth, and who is local, AND who also lives nearby.

REASON #291:
She is honest, passionate, witty with a little sarcasms and is loyal. Really? I thought men like women with big, perky sarcasms.

REASON #292:
The world is filled with high achievers:
Anyth- worth doing is worth doing right    
i will fill this in later Like when you make time to replace the hyphen with “ing”?

REASON #293:
What to say its hard excplanning myself well im just trying to find someone real and go from there im fun and love the out doors im single hard worker if u wanna know more about me feel free to stop by and leave a message.
I think you have some excplanning to do.

REASON #294:
Just down to earth, grounded, easy to talk to, I havan't had alot of relationship practice sence my last romance in '95. Dude, that’s 19 years ago. I feel for you. My friends don't understand it, they say I'm a good looking man. But the women I meet all think I'm taken or married, so don't ever return the intrest I might show, at least thats what they say later on after they find out I'm singal and they have hooked up sorta speak. So here I'm am, feeling like I,ve been left behind!...First things first: don’t downgrade yourself or your apostrophes. Use spellcheck. Next, face reality: your friends and these women are only placating you, bro. Hooking up sorta speak is something you gotta make happen. And why not, honey? You’re good enough. You’re smart enough. And doggonit people like you! So go out there hook it up sorta speak!!!  *Fist pumping and cheering ensue.*

REASON #295:
I'm originally from Corpse Christi Texas
If that’s not a cursed birth, I don’t know what is.

REASON #296 hit my in-box from a man who looks 83 but claims to be 53.
I wanna swrep ya off your feet !!!!  I'm at a loss as to how to respond to this "gentleman." Suggestions, anyone? I would appreciate it.

54 comments:

  1. I'm so far removed from the dating scene I wouldn't think of giving advice.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Steer clear of #295. He's trouble.
    Last romance was nineteen years ago? That man is in danger of exploding.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don't mind what size the sarcasms are... but I do appreciate a good sized snark!

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  4. Those are pretty funny. But the guy who spelled it 'excplanning'....I feel a little bad picking on people that spell phonetically. My guy is the most amazing man on the planet, he's so good to me and so loving, but he often spells phonetically. When he's home he'll ask me how to spell stuff when he is commenting on FB but on the road he doesn't have that luxury. It doesn't mean he's dumb, he just doesn't spell things right all the time. His daughter made him feel real bad not too long ago when she texted him that he spells like a junior high kid.

    ReplyDelete
  5. That's my girl! I am saving all of these in a folder so I will know what not to right- write? Uhhh...shit..I mean excretement- or excitement. As I said...I'm saving all of these in a folder!

    Love Ya Mean it!

    Pray everything is going well my friend. Things are almost perfect in NC. Life is Good.

    ReplyDelete
  6. What a bunch of losers. Alex's advice is sound too.

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  7. Wow, number 294 is either in a funk or a closet monk

    ReplyDelete
  8. Greetings human, Robyn,

    We is likin' dis n'stuff. You is da bomb. Whatever that means.

    Let's do lunch! I shall take the letters out of the alphabet soup.

    Pawsitive wishes and doggy kisses,

    Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar! xx

    ReplyDelete
  9. Bahahaha... These are hilarious. You always find the best dating profiles. Personally, I don't like 'little sarcasms'. Little ones just don't cut it. If you're gonna sarcasm, go big! Or go home...

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  10. bahahaha! "corpse christi" =NICE!
    this made my night! thanks for sharing!!! :)

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  11. I think I would tell #293 that I wasn't really looking for an old janitor. I have my sights set a bit higher.

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  12. Lol! #293 reminded me of I Love Lucy. "Lucy, you got some 'splaning to do!!" Awesome.

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  13. I love your blog
    followed
    http://minimaysi.blogspot.co.uk/

    ReplyDelete
  14. I think your duet with the first guy is close to the opening lyrics of I am the Walrus, so maybe you should have cited John Lennon as well as Paul Simon. I actually prefer the experiences you don't experience - they use up much less energy.

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  15. Lucy, you have some excplanning to do! LOL

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  16. Whenever anyone spells sense as "sence" it's a deal breaker for me :)

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  17. Oh Robyn, I laugh at the posts but your responses had me snarfing in my coffee this morning. (I had to explain several to my son who is sharing the breakfast table with me.)

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  18. experience their experiences :D

    Hahaha! These are hilarious. If they can't spell or use proper punctuation, they would be off my list immediately. You should tell the man who wants to "swrep" you off your feet that, although you may occasionally have your head in the clouds, you like your feet firmly planted on the ground.

    ReplyDelete
  19. My theory on #296 is that he is indeed 83 years old but wants to seem younger so he decided to mimic all the other posts by making sure his had typos and such. After all that's what the kids are into nowadays.

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  20. I think the one who says "Are you she?" was trying to ask "Are you A she?" The man's been to Thailand way too many times, been tricked by too many ladyboys, and just needs to ensure that you have the proper plumbing before bringing you home to mom.

    Either that, or his dating standards are just REALLY low.

    Requirements: must be a woman, and alive.*

    *which immediately eliminates anyone from Corpse Christi

    ReplyDelete
  21. Thanks, Alex. LOL re the explosion danger.

    JoJo, I'm sure Russell's a keeper. I'd guess he also doesn't spell excplanning that way.

    Pat, yeah, that one stunk.

    David, thanks for the advice.

    BabySis, I thought of that too.

    Thanks, Zara. Welcome!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I dealt with all this in my mid- to late 30s--about a decade ago. I wouldn't go back for anything! And, yes, dealing with online dating profiles was one of the worst parts of it. You wouldn't believe some of the things I saw. Here's one:

    "I prefer a woman who is in check with her height and her weight."

    It was a guy's way of saying, "I prefer a woman who is thin." He wasn't.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I kinda like Anyth-, cause then I could sing,
    "Anyth- you could do, I could do better,
    I could do Anyth- better than you." At least Swrep might get this. If not, Sorta Speak could help Excplann!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
  24. My experiences where more like:

    "I want to take my time. Get to know you." All the while they're sizing me up for marriage next week.

    This attitude seems much more prevalent especially when dating later in life (read: late thirties)

    I swear, it made me feel like a piece of meat. Succulent, juicy meat, but meat nonetheless...

    ReplyDelete
  25. Your comments were good and funny (as usual). It would seem that a guy would make sure he at least spelled his words correctly. I guess if they did, they wouldn't be idiots!

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  26. GB, good point. In my experience, you're right.

    Optimistic, sence when?

    Julie, my apologies to your son.

    Daisy, thank you. You're the only one with a suggestion for the swrepper.

    BnB, good points. There might be women in Corpse Christi, but they're dead.

    Stephanie, the overweight ones always want someone skinny. This goes for women placing ads too. It's a main complaint of my male friends doing on-line dating.

    Julie/EmptyNest, I applaud your clever comment!

    Herman, it's true. Plus, she wants to see bank statements, proof of disposable income, etc. Women are such gold-diggers.

    Shannon and Pat, no keepers, only idiots.

    Keep a smile, all.
    xoRobyn

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  27. #287-sounds like Dr. Seuss sent in an ad (except he's dead. Soooo....)
    Are you she?
    No, I am me.
    Are you he?
    Together we're we?
    Perchance we'll see
    how the other half pees.
    But if you sneeze
    then I may get pee on my knees.
    Which may lead to disease.
    So I'll go with someone else, please.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  29. No time for dating but I agree that anything worth doing is worth doing right.

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  30. Al, I love ya. Thanks for your poetics. You made me burst into a gigglefest.

    Kendy Yawn, seriously? You're thanking me for the useful information? Dude, GET HELP NOW! Cheers.

    Lady, lucky you - not having time to date.

    Thanks, all.
    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  31. I think many of these dopes need spell checker anonymous! Seriously, how can so many sound like such tools when every technological device we have today takes the guess work out of sounding even the slightest bit intelligent? The guy who wants to swerp you off your feet? Sounds like he is cray cray!

    ReplyDelete
  32. These Reasons for Celibacy posts are always a riot. You are so clever. I was disappointed to read that someone would want "little" sarcasms. I would think "go big or go home" is in order when it relates to being sarcastic.

    I am finding it rather disturbing to realize that nearly everyone looking for love, has no clue how to spell or use proper grammar.

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  33. I read these and red flags and alarm bells go off in my head. Run from the morons! Run!!

    I'm glad I was able to really experience this post rather than simply experience it. You know?

    =P

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  34. Haha! I think I will be a hermit. Or the crazy lady on the block. Unapproachable. Dating world scares me. Baby steps, baby steps. LOL.

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  35. These are always painful to read. I know that some people simply cannot spell. I think texting is making this gap wider. I have no idea what to tell the guy who wants to swerp you off your feet. Since the "e" and "r" are right next to each other on the keyboard it could be a type. I know that sometimes I don't proofread and I regret it. Like on blogger. Then I have to decide if I want to leave another comment with the correction. Yikes. Since he didn't see the email after he sent it... he probably doesn't even know he did it.

    That said, I am leery of "big talkers"... it always feels phony to me.

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  36. I'd like to know what swrep means. That's a fascinating word.

    I also like to experience experiences. ;)

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  37. To the last gentleman I'd write something like "I appreciate you wanting to swrep me off my feet, but don't you think that may aggravate your Lumbago? I don't think Lumbago damage caused by swreping is covered under AARP....just saying."
    Blessings, Joanne

    ReplyDelete
  38. Tell him you'd love to but you gave up swrepping for Lent.

    And I love your answer to #291.

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  39. Your comments always make me smile. I wanna high-five you all, too.

    Theresa, yes. Cray cray.

    Cheryl & Martha, "Go big or go home" is a good reminder too. Not to brag, but I have big, droopy sarcasms.

    Joanne, I like it. He'll be completely perplexed.

    LD, it's perfect. I'm so tempted. Will let you know if I use it.

    Thank you, sillies.
    Keep a smile.
    xoRobyn

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  40. You'll be single for 19 years as well if you keep on visiting the same dating sites :-)

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  41. Vanessa, I will keep visiting them and I might be single for 19+ years, though I've been getting out a lot these days. In the past few weeks I think I met all 2 single eligible bachelors my age in this area. Both flaked on me. Now I'm stuck with a toothless 60+ year old Redneck, man who wants to swerp me off my feet, or a single woman's electronic friend. The choice is simple: keep Duracell in business.

    xoRobyn

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  42. I love that Paul Simon song! I see ones like #293 all the time, usually from a "girl," who's probably not a girl, who spams me when she really wants a guy. But she probably is a guy so would be better off spamming me anyway... Now I've confused myself. It must be all that experiencing my experiences that did it.

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  43. Scary funny. Glad I'm not dealing with dating anymore.

    Lee
    An A to Z Co-Host
    Tossing It Out

    ReplyDelete
  44. Lexa, what a tangled web we weave when we experience our experiences.

    Thank you, sillies.

    xoRobyn

    PS This is comment #50, a first for me. I luv you all for being so loyal and playful.

    ReplyDelete
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