And I Wrote This Book.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

American Idol Judges Visit Life by Chocolate: IWSG


Welcome back to Alex J Cavanaugh's fast-growing baby, the IWSG.  Hundreds of us dedicate the first Wednesday of the month to revealing our writer-ly insecurities and offering support to our writer-ly friends (all of you). Join us, if you haven't already. All that's required is an insecurity or 200. Alex is making a big announcement today, too, so check out his site here.
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Robyn: Hi, folks! We're triply lucky today to greet the dynamite trio that launched many an unknown singer into fame. For eight years, they contributed to the wild success of one of TV's most popular shows: American Idol! Welcome, Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, and - she lowers her voice to a murmur - Simon Cowell. Randy walks out first, in loose fitting camouflage garb. He nods repeatedly in an "I'm so cool" fashion. Yo dawg! Whatz up! A giggly Paula removes Simon's hands from her boobs, and the two walk out together. Simon dons his typical white t-shirt and blue jeans. We don't notice what Paula's wearing, but we notice her boobs. (We can't help it. ) The panel is seated at a narrow table for three, each with a microphone, similar to the set of American Idol.

Robyn: Wow! I'm so excited that two of you are here! Thank you, Paula and Randy. Simon raises his eyebrows, a bit surprised but determined to retaliate.

Simon: Have you gained some weight, Robyn?  Because you have absolutely no future in this business looking like that. 

Robyn looks down at her belly. Well, yeah, I mean, it's colder out, so I'm eating more. But I don't sing anyway.

Simon: It's a good thing, really.

Paula to Simon: Leave the poor girl alone. She turns to Robyn. Look sweetie, you will - she stops to pop a pill - you, you look, well you have no fash-fash-shin sense and th-that hair is, is - she pops another pill. She freezes and stares at the camera for 6 minutes, pupils dilated. 

Robyn: We'll get back to you, Paula. What do you think about the government shut-down, guys?

Simon: I firmly believe that Britain's got talent! You were fools to break ties in the 15th* century. That was an atrocious move, really. *Oh, excuse me, I'm not American. Ryan Seacrest just texted me. Apparently, you broke ties in the 18th century. Either way, you're fools.

Randy: Yo, dawg! It was pitchy. Dawg. Pitchy. Just didn't work for me, dawg. A little too pitchy.

Paula: S-s- sin - simp - simply beautiful!

Robyn: What advice do you have for all the insecure writers out there?

Randy: Check this out, dude. You got what it takes. What I'm sayin is this. Just keep workin at it. You know dawg. If it ain't happening this year, try again next year. You're a little pitchy, bro.

Simon: To be perfectly honest, you're not going to make it.

The audience boos.

Simon: No really, hear me out! If you don't think you're going to make it, you're not going to make it. It's as simple as that. You've got to believe in yourself. Look how far I've gone in the music industry. Did you ever stop to ask if I can sing? It has no relevance, because I'm pompous.

Paula nods and wipes a tear from her eyes. It's all about having a dream and you, you all are so beautiful and your hearts are so, so pure. Listen, you've gotta grab the bull by the rhino and just keep perusing your cream, or perverting your dream. Just believe in your wonder bull elf, your wonderful self. She smiles, proud to have properly articulated those last two words.

Robyn: I think we understand what you meant. In combination, you've relayed valuable messages. Thank you, Paula and Randy. And thank you, audience! The curtain falls and we cut to a commercial for Thomas' English Muffins.

46 comments:

  1. Lol! Just reading these is enough to put a smile on my writer's face. (The msg is true at the end too ;) )

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  2. Paula had a great message, even if it came from someone stoned out of her head on drugs and booze.
    Why didn't anyone ever ask Simon to sing?

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  3. I loved this...I wish they would reunite :)

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  4. I don't miss Simon though.

    I could tell you what I think of the government shut down. Idiots!

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  5. I never thought Paula Abdul could provide such words of wisdom but she really did:

    "you've gotta grab the bull by the rhino and just keep perusing your cream, or perverting your dream. Just believe in your wonder bull elf, your wonderful self."

    I feel inspired!

    Great post, Robyn.

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  6. Wow Paula must have had a mighty fine snuff up the nose before dishing that out

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  7. I guess Simon was really believing in himself when he impregnated his best friend's wife, eh?

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  8. Oh dear. I'm afraid there's no hope for me. I've been pitchy all my life.

    This made me smile, Robyn. Thanks! Hope you have a great day. :)

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  9. Now I want an English muffin. Out of the mouths of professionals. I think they spoke on an editor panel at the last conference I attended. Same exact advice! Grab that bull by the rhino!

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  10. I never watched the show with the 3 of them on there. I must have missed some great entertainment. Glad I was able to get some here today. *clap, clap, clap* (Just so you know, that was done in one of Paula's stupid hand clapping ways) :)

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  11. We broke ties with Britain in the fifteenth century? Simon, I knew you were just a pretty face.

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  12. Simon was there? How in the world did he get his HUGE ego-inflated head through the door? :)

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  13. This was brilliant Robyn, poor Paula, she's a nice lady but she is a strange one haha, Simon's so over opinionated, you did him perfectly!

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  14. Simon really needs to learn the American Revolution was in the 18th century

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  15. Yeah, Simon, America's first mistake was breaking ties with England. Hahaha! :-)

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  16. Hahahaha. As mean as Simon is he is usually right. I admire someone who shoots straight... even if what they are saying is like a gunshot between the eyes.

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  17. Oh this was a nice IWSG break. Too funny! You nailed the arrogance factor of Simon. Totally. Dawg. ;)

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  18. Nicely played. And that's why we call you a writer. ;)

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  19. I love these interviews. Hilarious, as usual.

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  20. Sounds legit.

    Great voice - you nailed it.

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  21. Adam, LOL. Oh crap, but Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492. Right? Oh, he didn't set sail from England to part ways with the British government, did he? Um, oops. I mean, yeah, Simon is not only pompous, he's stupid!

    Optimistic, me too. I watched the show just for the trio.

    LDiane, absolute idiots. Yes.

    Debra, ooh, did he? What a SCUMBAG!

    Daisy, no worries. You and I will join the pitchy chorus. Or not. [I don't even know what it means, but Randy loves that word.]

    Nancy, that's funny. I guess word gets out; singers AND writers should aim for the bull's rhino.

    Theresa, it really was entertaining. I should've added a youtube clip. I suggest you find and watch one.

    Stephen, see note to Adam above. History was never my strong suit. Clearly, it was never Simon's either.

    Robin, I agreed until he started bashing Jennifer Hudson for her weight but backed Rueben Studdard all the way to the win.

    Thank you, all, for laughing with me. Laugh at me too. Laughter is all good.

    xoRobyn

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  22. You certainly nailed the 3 personalities. Very funny. I quit watching a couple of seasons ago as I couldn't stand hearing the word dawg one more time but it was fun in the beginning.

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  23. I would Pop Simon up side the head for his weight comment. What a dork he is anyway.

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  24. This is brilliant! Funny and supportive. I finally joined IWSG. Thanks for the simple reminder - believe in yourself!

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  25. This was better than watching them on TV! You did a great job of capturing the former judges' personalities, though Simon clearly needs glasses after what he said to you!

    Julie

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  26. Oh, Simon lives in my brain. He is a mean SOB.

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  27. I need to believe in my wonder bull elf more often.

    Also, we should all rate Simon on how well he knocked up his best friend's wife.

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  28. Oh my gosh... Robyn, are you the funniest person ever??? I'm totally laughing here. Thanks for the smile! :)

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  29. Well, she has a point. You've got to believe in yourself!

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  30. Certainly a different way to present the IWSG!

    Fun.

    Nas

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  31. I often get concerned my writing is pitchy too. But I just take some pills and peruse my cream and everything is great.

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  32. A clever spin on the #IWSG post. I miss the old idol judges. You captured them well.

    Lee
    A Faraway View

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  33. This post was a little pitchy. LOL. You always make me smile.

    M.L. Swift, Writer

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  34. I would like to know whether Simon Cowell can sing. I reckon he'd squawk like a parrot if someone pinched his butt. As for Paula, I wouldn't peruse her cream unless it were Nivea.

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  35. You know, I have never seen that show. But, having seen the commercials, you were spot on.

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  36. Now THAT American Idol I'd watch!

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  37. Hey Robyn,

    Congratulations and you're through to the next stage of American Idol.

    And any advice from those three aint worth heeding. No what I'm sayin'?

    Incidentally, the winner of last years "Britain's Got Talent" was Pudsey the dog....

    Gary :) x

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  38. Thank you all for laughing with me, at the judges. I do miss the trio.

    I wonder if Simon's best friend's wife's baby (i.e., his baby) will come out of the womb shouting "That was appalling!"

    Love to you,
    xoRobyn

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  39. Haha classic - this is a great one Robyn - very funny, very accurate and still truthful to the business of writing and fame - a great post - even with a bit of English/American history in there! Classic...

    Paula's boobs haha
    xo

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  40. Oh you captured them all perfectly, like always.

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