American Idol Judges Visit Life by Chocolate: IWSG

Welcome back to Alex J Cavanaugh's fast-growing baby, the IWSG.  Hundreds of us dedicate the first Wednesday of the month to revealing our writer-ly insecurities and offering support to our writer-ly friends (all of you). Join us, if you haven't already. All that's required is an insecurity or 200. Alex is making a big announcement today, too, so check out his site here.
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Robyn: Hi, folks! We're triply lucky today to greet the dynamite trio that launched many an unknown singer into fame. For eight years, they contributed to the wild success of one of TV's most popular shows: American Idol! Welcome, Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, and - she lowers her voice to a murmur - Simon Cowell. Randy walks out first, in loose fitting camouflage garb. He nods repeatedly in an "I'm so cool" fashion. Yo dawg! Whatz up! A giggly Paula removes Simon's hands from her boobs, and the two walk out together. Simon dons his typical white t-shirt and blue jeans. We don't notice what Paula's wearing, but we notice her boobs. (We can't help it. ) The panel is seated at a narrow table for three, each with a microphone, similar to the set of American Idol.

Robyn: Wow! I'm so excited that two of you are here! Thank you, Paula and Randy. Simon raises his eyebrows, a bit surprised but determined to retaliate.

Simon: Have you gained some weight, Robyn?  Because you have absolutely no future in this business looking like that. 

Robyn looks down at her belly. Well, yeah, I mean, it's colder out, so I'm eating more. But I don't sing anyway.

Simon: It's a good thing, really.

Paula to Simon: Leave the poor girl alone. She turns to Robyn. Look sweetie, you will - she stops to pop a pill - you, you look, well you have no fash-fash-shin sense and th-that hair is, is - she pops another pill. She freezes and stares at the camera for 6 minutes, pupils dilated. 

Robyn: We'll get back to you, Paula. What do you think about the government shut-down, guys?

Simon: I firmly believe that Britain's got talent! You were fools to break ties in the 15th* century. That was an atrocious move, really. *Oh, excuse me, I'm not American. Ryan Seacrest just texted me. Apparently, you broke ties in the 18th century. Either way, you're fools.

Randy: Yo, dawg! It was pitchy. Dawg. Pitchy. Just didn't work for me, dawg. A little too pitchy.

Paula: S-s- sin - simp - simply beautiful!

Robyn: What advice do you have for all the insecure writers out there?

Randy: Check this out, dude. You got what it takes. What I'm sayin is this. Just keep workin at it. You know dawg. If it ain't happening this year, try again next year. You're a little pitchy, bro.

Simon: To be perfectly honest, you're not going to make it.

The audience boos.

Simon: No really, hear me out! If you don't think you're going to make it, you're not going to make it. It's as simple as that. You've got to believe in yourself. Look how far I've gone in the music industry. Did you ever stop to ask if I can sing? It has no relevance, because I'm pompous.

Paula nods and wipes a tear from her eyes. It's all about having a dream and you, you all are so beautiful and your hearts are so, so pure. Listen, you've gotta grab the bull by the rhino and just keep perusing your cream, or perverting your dream. Just believe in your wonder bull elf, your wonderful self. She smiles, proud to have properly articulated those last two words.

Robyn: I think we understand what you meant. In combination, you've relayed valuable messages. Thank you, Paula and Randy. And thank you, audience! The curtain falls and we cut to a commercial for Thomas' English Muffins.