And I Wrote This Book.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Reasons for Celibacy, #268-276: Single as a Pringle

Few activities are as perplexing as sorting through today's "eligible" bachelors. Take, for example, the following fragments of men's Internet dating ads: justifiable reasons why I (or any single, straight woman) would choose celibacy.  Please be entertained.

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REASON #268:  Single as a Pringle 
Judging from your photo, you’re Macho as a Nacho.
Might you also be Free-to Lay tonight?

REASON #269: The one word that was not on the personality list that suits me is - Renaissance, or versatile, or flexible.  
The one response I have that suits you is this-
 (1) You spell good, but
         (2) A woman wants a man who knows the difference between 1 and 3.  (Hint: It’s 2.)

REASON #270: I GOT THE INTERNET GOING NUTS! & IM A VIRGIN 
Interesting. Your bio says you were in a 10 year relationship. Does he/she know about this?

REASON #271: I am me and no one else... 
Be glad you’re not me, honey, because if you were, you’d be running away from yourself.

REASON #272: Sunglasses indoors. Is that not cool?
Yes. It is not cool.

REASON #273: Searching for a woman with low standards     
 I have blue eyes and a big nose, gsoh and very honest.
She might just be right under your nose, by gsoh. You just can’t see her. Try stepping back, hold your gaze, and move your head from side to side. If that doesn’t work after 18 hours, snort out a ginormous booger and give up.

REASON #274: A real lady who is seen and not heard
Hm, can you see the finger I’m silently flashing while mouthing the statement: “You’re a misogynistic pig, you f*kn bastard!”?

REASON #275: DISCLAIMER: No cats, dogs, goldfish, chickens, insects, bacteria, minerals, illegal aliens or vegetables were harmed, maimed, mistreated or tickled in the making of this profile
What do you think of, say, a woman who has a strong affinity for cucumbers and bananas (typically, one at a time)? Just wondering.

REASON #276:  I've come to the interruptation that finding a girlfriend off this website is unrealistic.
Public interruptation is not advisable for those who wish to find a girlfriend in this lifetime on the Internet or in this universe.

41 comments:

  1. #275 might have actually gotten me to give him a chance. I do love a man with a sense of humor... which is why I married the guy who put on his dating profile "Why? I figured it's what Eddie Money would do"

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  2. Single as a Pringle?
    Better to go with Lays.
    They have ridges for her enjoyment.

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  3. oh god. so horrible. *shaking a little*

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  4. That last one is sad.
    And what the heck is a gsoh?

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  5. Hahahahha... love this one.
    REASON #271: I am me and no one else...

    Be glad you’re not me, honey, because if you were, you’d be running away from yourself.

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  6. You should sell your witty chip remarks to Pringles -- they could build a whole advertising campaign around them!

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  7. Yep. More than enough reasons here for why I'm (blissfully) single! :)

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  8. LOL you know if he was a light pringle you better avoid, they have something in them that causes anal leakage

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  9. HAHAHA They are pretty bad aren't they? lol

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  10. Very funny. I'm off to eat some chocolate and think about this.

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  11. Oh dear. This is, once again, hilarious and overwhelmingly depressing.

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  12. Oooo it's so hard to just choose one of them. Gsoh what's a woman to do?!

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  13. the booger line was a bit of a pant wetter xox

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  14. Hey Robyn,

    Yes, it's me, the dude who is in every time zone but the one he evidently lives in.

    Your thinking is definitely lateral, Robyn. And no, not like lateral, as in lateral the ball or balls. Then again.

    A cucumber on the pillow. A banana might be a peeling. Must go now and watch a banana split while slicing a cucumber.

    Gary :) x

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  15. Oh my gosh. I'm still laughing.

    As for 274...hello? Can you hear me cracking up over that statement? Here, have a blow up Barbie doll. Should be perfect for you. Have fun.

    Cute, Robin.

    Sia McKye Over Coffee

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  16. These are all a hoot, especially after you add your comments to them. But, hey! Not a single French model in the bunch! (Bone jure.)

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  17. I thought you started the list with the worst one and then...I read on. YIKES!
    Blessings, Joanne

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  18. I don't know pringles stick together.

    They need some space

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  19. Single as a pringle... bahaha! Where do these weirdos come up with this!??? Hahaha!

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  20. The big-nosed guy doesn't sound too bad for a woman who doesn't mind big noses. Maybe he looks like Barry Manilow. There seem to be words missing after "very honest" though. I think he forget to add "pet raccoons".

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  21. You had me at "free-to-lay!" I remember collecting Frito Bandito erasers when I was a kid, but that was probably before your time.

    Julie

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  22. Love this as usual Robyn, hilarious stuff. The guy who said a really lady should be seen and not heard is an idiot though, just moronic!

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  23. Hahahaha...yes, reasons for celibacy! Your remarks about the 'nose' one had me roaring with laughter! Hahaha...

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  24. I kinda want to meet the guy with the interruptation, cuz I had one once and it was nuts getting rid of it.

    Pearl

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  25. I've come to the interruption that these ads (and your reaction to them) are hilarious. Celibacy seems the only logical reaction after reading those. Geesh.

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  26. Oh-oh...my blog profile picture shows me wearing sunglasses. Glad I'm not on the dating scene anymore. Too much of a hassle.

    Lee
    Tossing It Out

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  27. Miley, that's a good one and so is he. I'm glad you got each other.

    Al, men don't need ridges, huh? See KeepinItReal's comment. She knows her chips.

    Pat, eww. I believe it.

    Alex, gsoh, I don't know.

    Debra, if only I liked Pringles.

    David, glad you liked it. Hope you did laundry.

    Gary, all that talk about a peeling cucumbers and bananas and pillows is driving me nuts. Nuts. Did I say nuts?

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  28. Adam, true, else his headline makes no sense. And that cannot be. Right?

    GB, he is kind of endearing. Barry Manilow, that is. Went to his concert many years ago. I was in love.

    Julie, surely it wasn't before my time. I don't remember them, though.

    Pearl, I'm sorry to hear you were inflicted with chronic interruptation. I hear treatment involves applying the right mix of punctuatation.

    Arlee, yes they are not cool. But you are.

    Thanks, all, for adding to my laughter.

    You are very fun and silly.
    Keep a smile.
    xoRobyn

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  29. Oh my! It's definitely scary out in the dating world. Hilarious!

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  30. OhMyGosh, I'm still laughing :)) I can't believe people really put this stuff out there!!!! And the commentary is hilarious!

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  31. I am really hoping against all odds that this isn't a true representation of what is "out there" to pick from. If it is...I would think celibacy is a gift.

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  32. #272 might be Corey Hart. He wears them at night, why not indoors?

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  33. I seriously think men get worse and worse every time. What does gsoh even stand for? ;) I would be flipping off number 274 as well. And a lot of other not so nice things. Get with the times, this is the 21st century.

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