And I Wrote This Book.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Reasons for Celibacy, #259 - 267: Men ISO Sweat Patters!

Few activities are as perplexing as sorting through today's "eligible" bachelors. Take, for example, the following fragments of men's Internet dating ads: justifiable reasons why I (or any single, straight woman) would choose celibacy.  Please be entertained.
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REASON #259: Someone sweat 
That’s an interesting fetish. Have you tried a co-ed sauna, sweat-lodge in the Sahara, or  women’s sumo wrestling competition?

REASON #260: whats the opposite of opposite??? ;)  
You don’t know this, so you’re asking on a dating site? Sweetie, it’s the same as same. Now, let’s try a new game. Which of these things is not like the others: you and a room full of geniuses?

REASON #261: I'm not here to impress any of you mother****ers. 
Then you’ve done your job, honey.

REASON #262: I can only say im a hard worker, that want a life long patter.
A patter for your whole life? I might suggest moving into an airport security check-point.

REASON #263: I'm the biggest jerk you'll ever meet. 
Not true. We won’t be meeting.

REASON #264: Who wants to hang out? Get some coffee..sex? Jk 
Sure.  Meet me at the Starbuck’s that’s across from another coffee shop and near a fast-food chain. I’ll be there at 8pm tonight. I’ll be naked, and I look like Halle Berry. Jk.

REASON #265: Anyone have a extra slinky, mine is in the shop!! 
No, but the last one I played with was too flaccid. Same problem?

REASON #266: trust me, I'm a lawyer
That’s like saying, “Respect me, I’m Anthony Weiner.”

REASON #267: Make Feel Some Type Of Way
I know, right? And Sense None Have You Yoda Say

56 comments:

  1. I'd really like to think that some of these you post are just nervous and can't type, I just don't think I can go that far.

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  2. At least it's not the son of a friend of an aunt of a friend who is still living in his mother's basement??

    Okay, they all suck. =(

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  3. I about lost it on reason number 265! You outdid yourself this time, Robyn.

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  4. You need to go on a date with Pat Hatt. His online dating stories are just as looney.

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  5. I wonder if the "..." on #264 meant "for?"

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  6. Maybe the patter has a need to be spanked?

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  7. Awww, you'd make a nice sweatie for someone, Robyn! Guess these guys never heard of spell check, eh?

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  8. "Make Feel Some Type Of Way" definitely has potential as a song lyric. Maybe a duet involving Pee Wee Herman and Kermit the Frog.

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  9. Hahahaha...I'm guessing these are not the most popular choices :)

    The "trust me, I'm a lawyer" one would have me heading for the hills!

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  10. It's sad, like a beef market, when no one wants beef any more.

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  11. Soooo funny. Dating has reached an entirely new level of Terrible.

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  12. These are on dating sites? For real? Men say this stuff? And women bite?

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  13. I always love these dating posts you and Pat put up.

    I just saw something on Pinterest.

    "I'm single. It's really working for me. I really think that I'm the one!"

    After some of these, I think being single and making myself the one sounds like a brilliant idea!

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  14. You've outdone yourself yet again. What an amazing bunch of losers. Hmmm, I wonder what the proper term would be for a group of losers...?

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  15. The Yoda line at the end was so funny Robyn, all of these made me smile though. I don't get why on a dating website you'd outright promote the fact that you're a jerk though, it's just counter-productive.

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  16. OMG...shaking my head. I see your point about choosing celibacy over any of those. What is wrong with people???

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  17. #263 - LOL! That's right, not meeting you for anything in the world.

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  18. Your posts always make me smile. Thanks.

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  19. Wow! I can't believe people really put this kind of stuff out there!

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  20. Respect me I'm Anthony Weiner - oh chortle lol xo

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  21. oh, dear... :)

    thanks for finding my place today! nice to meet you, too, robyn!

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  22. Those are so awful they're almost sad. Especially the ones I can tell are ESL. Some creeps just looking for a green card. Makes me really, really glad I don't date. :-)

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  23. Maybe the guy who's looking for a "patter" is from Boston. You wouldn't even have to shower for the guy who wants someone "sweat." If only you weren't so picky Robyn!

    Julie

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  24. So what's all the fuss about my personal ads? Is there something wrong with sweat and being a patter? Is that cream in your coffee?

    Your responses were so sharp and witty. Loved them.

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  25. Those new slinkies...
    Just not the same. Remember when they experimented with plastic? What a disaster.

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  26. I'm just glad that I'm not single!

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  27. MsA, it's a nice thought. But that doesn't excuse the unforgiveable sentiments they express.

    Jaque, yeah, dated that guy too.

    Alex, LOL, glad to make you laugh. Thanks.

    JustKeepinItReal, Pat's posts about women's ads are the best. I'm glad someone's going there, and I'm glad it's him.

    Debra, thanks. Maybe. I think.

    GB, I wouldn't trust Pee Wee with Kermit, but you have a valid suggestion otherwise.

    Martha, they really aren't much worse than the rest of them.

    Adam, that's a good one.

    DG, veganism here I come!

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  28. Robin, and just when you think it can't get worse.

    IT, glad you like it.

    JoJo, yes to all of it, but I can't say whether or not women bite. I can't imagine they do. Then again, men haven't cornered the market on weirdness; they'll merely dominated it.

    Theresa, I want the bumper sticker!

    Susan, not sure, maybe "men who seek sweat patters."

    YW, those are among the most mind-boggling. Do they think women like jerks? Well, I suppose some do. That's sad.

    Cheryl, LOL. Thanks for the laugh!

    L.Diane, thanks. Phew. I'm off the hook there.

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  29. Me articulate. I think like we got stuff in common. U come visit me at cell block 9. I give you all the tatters if u come on thursday. You like orange, right?

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  30. Love #266! I laughed so hard my drink nearly shot out of my nose! It's also quite true.

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  31. Holy cow.

    I just can't believe that there are guys that think they don't have to impress us Mother******s.

    /shaking head in Mpls/

    Pearl

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  32. This makes me glad to be married! Thanks for the smile here. :-)

    Thank you, too, for visiting and following my blog. I'm your newest follower.

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  33. I certainly wouldn't been interested in meeting any of those characters!

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  34. #263 made me both laugh and applaud. A first class zinger right there.

    All of these make me so very, very thankful to be married.

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  35. Lol! Funny! Great way to start the day by reading this post!

    Nas

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  36. LOL... I just read the comment that you need to go on a date with Pat Hatt. You two could Rhyme the night away.

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  37. I think he just meant "long putter."
    I leave it to you to fill in the double entendre.

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  38. Coffee Sex??? Boy, the Starbucks on the West Coast have it ALL OVER what we have here.
    I think it has to do with the Amish.

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  39. "REASON #263: I'm the biggest jerk you'll ever meet.
    Not true. We won’t be meeting."
    Indeed.
    With choices like this? Stay celibate, my friend. :)
    Have a great weekend!!

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  40. LG, I admit that one's my favorite. Sadly, I'd chose to date him over Weiner.

    Pearl, true. Don't they know we want them just as they are? /rolling eyes and gagging/

    Daisy and BnB, I'm relieved for all you happily married folks out there. You dodged a lot of stray bullets.

    Misha and RomanceReader, I'm glad to spread smiles.

    Terry, I'm too old for Pat, but it would be great fun to share notes with him. His series on women's ads is hysterical.

    Al, you mean he likes golfing? Tries for the hole in one? Coffee and a quickie at Starbuck's? Yeah, we're so liberal here, you can get that with or without the cherry. Dangit, Al, see where you made me go!!? Bad boy.

    Dawn, ah, yes, and it's with relief that I shall. Happy weekend back to you.

    xoRobyn

    Sherry, makes you wonder if anyone would be.

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  41. Nice post, great blog, following :)

    Good Luck :)

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  42. "Nice post, great blog, following :)

    Good Luck :)"

    Ahem! Greetings Robyn and apologies for the length, um for the length of time it has taken for me to leave one of my highly collectable comments.

    Actually, I'm not here to impress you with my comment. Job done!

    A good weekend to you and I shall be checking out the link you sent me within the next day. The life of a celebrity.

    Gary :) x

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  43. Thanks for sharing such a nice post...
    looking forward to see some more................
    fairy wings

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  44. Gran, thank you.

    Gary, great comment. Already following. Thanks for making me laugh. Always.

    Helo, it's not supposed to be a nice post. Thanks anyway.

    Cheers, all.
    xoRobyn

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  45. Oh my goodness, this is one of the few posts that gets a real laugh-out-loud from me. Your responses are priceless. Thanks for the giggle in the midst of my blog readings.

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  46. Ahhh, I think your Anthony Weiner comeback was my favorite this time. That and the answer to 264. Hilarious!!

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  47. What's not to trust about Anthony Weiner! That guy is like an open fly. I mean book! An open book!

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  48. Haha - brilliant Robyn! Think these comebacks are some of your best! Are you possibly getting funnier? Didn't think it were possible. Oh the despair for the human race. Think of the quality of their sperm! ewwwww

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