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**The following interview might be real. Any resemblance to a real author, though, is a mere coincidence.**
Robyn: Ladies and gentlemen, today we welcome Erika James, better known as EL James, author of 50 Shades of Grey! Erika bites her lip. She walks on stage wearing a very low-cut pale grey blouse, tight dark grey leather skirt, and black-grey stilettos. Robyn shakes her hand. Thanks for taking the time to come here. Please have a seat. Erika and Robyn sit in leather recliners; hers a deep grey, Robyn’s a fainter grey.
Robyn continues: I’ve seen your interviews on other shows, and I’m disappointed. You seem nice and humble. It’s hard to hate you. But I’m extremely jealous of your success, especially since you write like *bleep.* It’s not fair of me to judge, because I didn’t read it, but it’s *bleep.*
Erika sits erect and bites her lip again. I’ve sold over 40 million. How much of your work have you sold?
Robyn changes the subject, slumps over and digs into her purse. She pulls out a Big Hunk bar. Want some candy?
Erika: No thank you. She bites her lip again. I get my nuts back at home.
Robyn: I bet. I don’t. Robyn ravages the Big Hunk. Mmm mm, so um, -she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand- when I first heard your book has a lot of BDSM,* I got excited. I like big dark sexy men. I wanted to research and write about them too. And make millions. Something was wrong, though, because lots of real authors write about big dark sexy men, and they’re struggling. So I googled BDSM, and good Lord! Robyn’s face turns red. She giggles. My idea of risqué sex is doing it over the bedsheets. But only with the lights out. At night. During the summer.
Erika: She bites her lip again. I understand you’re an expert on celibacy. I’m not surprised really.
Robyn: Yeah, but on the other hand, sex shouldn’t be torturous. I mean, there’s build-up to a scene in your book in which the young woman tells the man to punish her to the full extent. So he beats her with a belt, and then she’s devastated because they aren’t compatible. That’s pure *bleep*! Your success raises my insecurities. Do I have to write like that to be successful?
Erika: It depends how you define success. She bites her lip again.
Robyn: Ah yes. That’s the deepest thing you’ve expressed. Thank you!
Erika: You’re welcome. She bites her lip again. Listen —she grabs her purse– you keep plugging away, and I’ll keep whipping them out and making millions. Erika stands up, waves at the audience, then graciously shakes Robyn’s hand. Toodles!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*In case I’m not the only one who needed to look up this term, it means: bondage-discipline, dominance-submission, and sado-masochism.