A life by chocolate entails finding sweetness in the light and dark. Moreso, it's about addiction to cocoa. An insatiable sweet tooth doesn't hurt. Well, not until the yucky tartar buildup and stuff. To the point, I strive to entertain with topics such as the utter hilarity and cuteness of children; the challenges of dating, my related rationale for celibacy; and chocolate as a precious remedy for it all. Thanks for sampling Life by Chocolate. I hope you keep coming back for more.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Dear Holidays

                                                  originally posted in Nov, 2010
Dear Holidays,

How’d you get here so fast? Let me help you  --pause, as I kick holiday's tuchas (Yiddish for butt)-- out the back door. Oops, sorry. I forgot I was wearing stilettos. Well, while you’re down there, I’ve gotta say something. Who invited you anyway? What with all that tinsel and sparkle, you think you’re hot to trot. Sweetie, you’re wrong. You don’t bring on the cheer. You incite increased need for Prozac. You multiply family tensions a gazillionfold. All this forced focus on love and happiness just makes us think about our losses and what we don’t have. Face it. You’re a downer, darling.

Financial problems torment us already. There you go, sauntering in, all flirty and stuff. Next thing we know, we have to buy gifts for people we don’t even like. Plus, we have to see them, and eat with them, and even hug them.

On the other hand, ever been alone between Halloween and Valentine’s Day? I can’t even grab a bite to eat without incident. Wait-staff never get it. I always have to overemphasize the “one” factor. “Yes, I want a table for one. Yes, that’s ‘one’ as in ‘one.’ Me. Yep. I’m alone again this holiday season. Just seat me in that decrepit booth in the corner. Toss me a box of tissue, a bag to wear over my head, and a bottle of whiskey. I’ll be just fine. All one of me.  Oh, quit looking at me with sympathy. I could be on a date, but have you read my dating stories? I'm better off, all one of me, at a table for one. Yes, just one."

What’s up with fruitcake, anyway? It’s got no business calling itself a cake. Cake is neither ugly nor gross. 
 
Alright, I’ve knocked you down long enough. Come on in, and leave the chocolate-peppermint fudge on the counter. You can come back next year, but only if you bring some more and depart quickly.

With sincerity,
Robyn

21 comments:

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Cake shouldn't double as a doorstop, either.
I'll take you someplace nice for a holiday dinner, Robyn!

Kal said...

FINALLY someone is telling that Christmas bitch what I have been afraid to say. No longer will I be seduced by her shiny bells and naieve beliefs about human nature. I feel so forced to like her just because she is pretty. I have seen her insides and Christmas is pretty ugly when you blow out the candles and turn on the lights. Don't you go changing anytime soon Robyn.

Ms. A said...

Amen and bah humbug!

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Alex, Kal, and MsA, I love you. And I love that I'm not the only holiday scrooge. I'm looking forward to that dinner, Alex. Kal, she doesn't even have a nice personality either. MsA, hopefully you'll at least enjoy some time with the grandkids.

xoRobyn

David Macaulay said...

sheesh Robyn - when you are in a restaurant with a toddler throwing knives at the other diners and then throwing a tantrum or running into the kitchens to terrorize the chef, you totally want a table for one. Give me a table for one right now. Yeah know what you mean re the hols, though, can be tought. It's the flatulent relatives that concern me the most - David xoxo

Stephen Hayes said...

Am I the only one in the world who likes fruit cake?

Empty Nest Insider said...

Robyn, You have the gift of making us laugh and cry at the same time. Holidays do tend to bring out the worst in people. Currently, one of my relative's is bad-mouthing me, because I don't want to make the stuffing for Thanksgiving. I offered to bring squash soufflé, and dessert instead. I usually have all of the holidays. This is the first one she's had in four years, and I'm still in trouble! Hope you're able to find some joy in the season. You would be a delightful addition to anyone's table. Julie

YeamieWaffles said...

Aww Robyn your third paragraph reminds me of how I feel, asking for a table for one has to be the worst thing, it feels like you're not able to eat in public because of it and I hate that. I agree with your thought process when it comes to Christmas, I feel the same about it although I do try my best to see the positive side but that doesn't always work out well haha.

Pat Hatt said...

Blah to that fruitcake crap, not even good enough for the cat to use as litter hahaha

Christmas and it's buy this buy that, can shove with a bah humbug from the cat.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

David, your flatulent relatives gave me a good laugh - only because I don't have to be in the same room with them.

Stephen: Yes.

EmptyNest, thank you. Your comments are always so heartfelt. And you're offering two dishes, but that's not enough? Oy. I get to have T-giving with a nice group of friends, so it won't be bad.

YW, yeah, isn't it irritating to have to repeat "One, yes one!" when you go in to be seated? Geeze.

PatHatt, as a kid, I felt left out. Now, I'm glad I don't celebrate Christmas. Chanukah doesn't get nearly as much attention.

xoRobyn

Gorilla Bananas said...

It helps if you raise one finger to emphasize the oneness, Robyn. Wait... is that a rude gesture in America?

Al Penwasser said...

And LAST NIGHT...I saw Christmas decorations on TWO houses.
Oy, gevelt! I haven't even eaten Thanksgiving turkey yet.

Yvonne said...

Boo Robyn! Santa's not going to like that attitude missy! But I get where you're coming from. I am finally getting over Halloween and Thanksgiving is tapping me on the shoulder!

Chuck said...

Man, Robyn, are you a holiday hater or a hostile holidayer? BTW...I'll take some of that fudge he left...

John McElveen said...

I will gladly share that booth with you. First time alone in 31 years. But maybe that's a good thing. For me.
This year.
Maybe.

bwahhha haaaaaaa booo hooooo- who am I kidding....

Ok I'm over it-- now open that Bottle,

LYMI

and I'm there with you in Spirit Robyn!

Hugs

John

Terra said...

sadly I smiled.

Betty Manousos said...

well, i don't feel much like celebrating the holidays. and i'm glad i am not the only one!

bah humbug!!


xx

Anthony J. Langford said...

If I was there, your table would not be empty.
;)

As Howard Jones once sang, Things can only get better.

It's been a difficult year for you, but you've pulled through. Things will get better again.

xo

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

GB, is it? Could that be why I've been punched out so many times?

Al, that's meshugenah!

Yvonne, I'm good with that. Hanukah Harry might still visit.

Chuck, yes. I'm both.

Terra, I'm happy to have made you smile.

Betty, wish we could get together for tea and chocolate of some sort.

Oh waiter, did I say one? Make that a table for 51 -- me and my closest bloggy friends. And seat me between Anthony and John please. ;~>

Happy holidays, all!
xoRobyn

Baby Sister said...

Uggg. Fruitcakes are nasty.

cestlavie22 said...

Aww I love the holiday season! No one is ever alone for the holidays thats what family is for!