Monday, October 17, 2011

On Why I Choose Celibacy Reasons #138-143: Mr. Glazed Glazy Cakes

Taken directly from current Internet dating ads, to follow are my reasons for celibacy, numbers 138 through 143.  Also, I have a theory. It goes like this: Men who think they are funny aren’t.  I now present the evidence.
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REASON  #138: I'm a well "edumacated", completely unpretentious professional. I came to the states at an early age and lived in Hot Springs, Arkansas (the same small town where "good ole boy" Bill Clinton grew up chasing little girls and pulling their pig tails while sneaking around smoking cigars!). I take it humor was not part of your edumacation. and YES dammit, I do wear shoes and have all of my "teef"! And NO dammit, I don't have any "youngins" by my sister.......YET! (but we ain't giving up) lol Are you a Jolie or an Osmond? My "gene pool" is rather strange No kidding!”

REASON  #139: Looking for a non diseased woman who isn't mental  
 Shame I just came down with juvenile diabetes and mental health. Better luck next time.


REASON #140: I'm the anti Charlie Sheen Broke and sober, huh?

REASON #141: So if you think that you might be up for some great conversation, a subtle libation, and possible perspiration.....I hope to hear from you soon! And if I'm fortunate enough to hear from you, please remember to use capitalization which is almost a lost art in this day of texting and e-mails. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse....and helping your uncle jack off a horse! How about you say “uncle” and quit being a capitalized JACKASS?

REASON #142: Spooning leads to Forking...let's Spoon Forking leads to knifing…let’s cut it off right here, buddy.

REASON #143:
About Me
honey glazed glazy cakes

take two eggs and beat them till they holler
mix in alpaca milk or kangaroo milk
add a cup of salt
add honey or bacon grease
1 cup of yeast
1 tablespoon or fork
2 cups of gun powder 
3 olives 
a can spam
6 cups of butter or crisco

mix it up and run it over with a car
pour into cupcake papers
cook on 500 degrees for a month
let cool for 5 minutes
serve on toast or a shingle to mother inlaw
I don't have one. Can I borrow yours?
 Alas, some actual humor though not likely his intent. Thanks Mr. Glazed Glazy Cakes, Honey. PS Family relations aren’t your strength, huh?

31 comments:

  1. Make it stop. Please.

    At this point, I vote for you dating the anti Charlie Sheen. He may be broke but he's sober! Wait. He's also probably ugly... OH! but probably employed :)

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  2. The cake man is certainly original, but then so was Charles Manson. Maybe he expects women to respond with a recipe of their own. He might like something with crab apples and sour grapes.

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  3. I am having chocolate as I read this and my, tastes better knowing singledom is worth it.
    Loved your reply to #142 but I pity the desperate guy a wee bit.
    Wonder how #139 manages his professional files with his edumacation...must be a professional "against spell check" protester.
    #143 had me thinking if he is a street chef or a psycho in the making.

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  4. I think I’m funny, therefore I’m funny.
    Nope. He has to make you laugh! If I was looking, a sense of humour would be #1 on my list of “must haves.”
    (Took me way too long to figure this out...)

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  5. Yet another unbelievably embarrassing selection!!! If you look at Reason 139... isn't everybody?

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  6. This guy reminds me of the difference between being "clever" and being funny. Funny makes you laugh. Clever leaves a bad taste in everyone's mouth. Like that clever fox and the out-of-reach grapes.

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  7. You are so witty in your responses! Thanks for the laughs...needed them today. :)

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  8. With an ad like that, I think "jacking off" is all that #141 will be able to do.

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  9. Those are all awesome, Robyn! I guess Mr. Anti-Charlie Sheen is "losing?"

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  10. Holy COW!!!! these have to be true. there is no way that a person could possibly make this stuff up!
    Blessings, Joanne

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  11. Oh Miley, I wish I could. Good points about the anti Charlie.

    GB, that was the first time I've seen a recipe in a personal ad. He is original.

    Ms. A, thanks.

    Rek, I think #143 is the combo (kind of like Chef Ramsey).

    Beth, true, but the woman must be the judge of his humor or lack thereof.

    Ros, you're right. I'm embarrassed for them.

    Thank you. My followers are the best! xo

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  12. Stephen, yes, they are all so clever it makes me vomit.

    Marlene, I'm sorry you needed the laughs but glad I could provide.

    Al, yeah, he best getting use to it.

    Alex, true. The guy clearly doesn't get that Sheen is doing quite well for himself.

    Joanne, I know. Whether or not to hope these are true??? Oy vey.

    I love my followers.
    Thanks for the shared laughs.
    xoRobyn

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  13. oops - I thought the Uncle Jack one was kind of funny

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  14. It's a good thing I wasn't drinking anything while reading this, so nothing was spewing out of my nostrils. But WTF is wrong with these people!!

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  15. oh my goodness, I've got to start reading these ads - but I doubt I could wring as much humour from them as you do. Thankyou!

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  16. I'd have to pass on the cake guy. It was funny though. :)

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  17. you never fail to make my day with your witty posts, robyn!


    the #142....priceless!

    big hugs!
    betty xx

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  18. For real? Gosh is this the rejection pile? Or does the editor have to print them because these idiots paid to have them printed? Anyway...your comments were spot on!~Ames

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  19. OK--Somehow we have to get married! You are just too damned funny to live without, my Honey Glazed, Jackass, Horse Loving Mother!


    Love ya mean it!!!!!

    Sharlie Cheen!

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  20. Oh my. I think you have convinced me to stay away as well. Is there any hope out there? LOL

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  21. "I'm the anti Charlie Sheen Broke and sober, huh?"
    =Classic!
    Oh, girl, I wish you lived by me. I have a couple of really nice, possibly sane, single male friends. Hang in there, sweetie!!
    --Dawn

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  22. These people are frightening! I don't know which is worse. The thought that someone would make that stuff up, or the fact that they don't!!! And, to think they are freely walking around out there! Love your responses. Be safe!!

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  23. I'd be sooo in at No. 138. How could pass up an inbred? haha

    Are these guys forking kidding? lol.. oh it's a depressing world.

    Very funny Robyn, in a sad, sad way. haha
    =]
    x

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  24. Thank you all. Your comments really keep me going through this forkin' madness. I wouldn't stomach these ads otherwise.

    MommaFargo, shall we go to Ohio to meet Dawn's single male friends?

    xoRobyn

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  25. Thank god the crazies aren't just here in Austin, TX. I have horrible luck dating online. And zero luck dating off line. Lets be besties!

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  26. OMG I can't believe they actually think someone will answer their ads, lol! Thank you for a great laugh!

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  27. 142...wow. Your reply to him was the best!!

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  28. Damn girl, you are so funny!

    Love ya!
    Lisa

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