Tuesday, March 8, 2011

On Why I Choose Celibacy, Reason #77: The Pigeons! The Pigeons!


It was painful to witness, like watching Quagmire get hit with a seizure attack. The guy’s fingers were trembling so erratically, he could barely lift his coffee mug.

How I wished to ease his pain. I envisioned myself graciously raising the cup for him, then tossing the hot coffee at his face. But I restrained myself, classy as I am. I’m not sure why I was so irritated. Perhaps it’s because Deanna billed him as the idyllic keeper. Or maybe it’s because he was blind date number 12,462.

“Robyn, I was thinking of setting you up with Todd,” she had declared two weeks earlier. “He’s attractive, intelligent and very kind…The only reason it didn’t work out is because I wanted him to take me to fancy dinners and buy me jewelry and things...I’m accustomed to being treated that way.”

No false pretenses on her part; Deanna’s a Beverly Hills prima donna through and through. I’m not, so I figured this might work. She neglected to mention Todd’s awkward weirdness, though. I guess she hadn’t noticed, being awkwardly weird herself.

So there we sat at Java Rama, engaging in the typical first (and last)-date-with-the-friend’s-ex conversation: “How do you know (Deanna)? She’s great, isn’t she? Yeah, and hot too. Really hot. God, I miss being with her…”

After 32 minutes of this, we walked down Park Street to the Alameda Beach. Note that a woman was too polite to end a date when a woman wanted to. The beach stroll was actually peaceful, as we meandered through the sand, making small talk and glimpsing at the glistening water. Suddenly, Todd--towering at 6 feet of lanky cowardice--criss-crossed his arms overhead and mad a made dash back towards Park Street. “The pigeons! The pigeons!” he screeched in holy terror.

Uh, those birds flying overhead would be called “seagulls”, you dumb *bleep*, I wanted to shout as I wandered far behind. And they aren’t likely to crap on you, but if they do, it won’t kill you. You are embarrassing me and the entire West Coast. That includes Venice beach. And folks down there don’t embarrass easily.

So I ended the date immediately. Well, it ended itself. But note that a woman has some standards.
~~~~~
Follow-up: I never saw Todd again and terminated my equally irritating friendship with Deanna shortly thereafter. Within a year, Deanna and Todd were married. They now have two kids. I ‘m not sure how he managed that one, but a woman does not want to think about it.

35 comments:

  1. ROFL!!! Sounds like they deserved one another! I wonder if they go to the beach....lol.

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  2. Wow a man who is afraid of pigeons.

    Sheesh. Yank his damn man card.

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  3. Oh my gosh! Are you kidding me. What a weirdo! : )
    Funniest story ever : )

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  4. Haha. Sounds like one of my typical dates...

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  5. The Pigeons, the pigeons!
    than was so darn funny...
    I'll bet he's glad cows don't fly!

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  6. Marlene, I was thinking the same thing and worried for those poor kids. xo

    OT, yeah, and he can't even differentiate pigeons from seagulls. Hello! ;0)

    LifewithK, so glad you dropped by and enjoyed my story. xo

    Shan, they're all similar but different. Aren't they? How do we survive? [~;

    Pat, good point. I'm glad you enjoyed it. It was unbelievable at the time. Now it's just unbelievably funny. xo

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  7. LMAO! Ok, you just bested me in my dating from hell stories! This one is top notch! hahaha I can't believe they got married! And I can't believe she would set you up with someone like that!!! Good riddance on both counts! :)

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  8. Funny stuff!!!
    ok, I can sadly relate, I am kinda a freak when it comes to birds! I can tell the diff, between a pigeon and a seagull, tho' lol!
    love ya
    gi gi

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  9. Wow.
    I don't even know what to say. It looks like you dodged two seagull-poop sized bullets!
    (ever had a seagull crap on your car? I have. HOLY MOLY that's a big pile of bird shit!)

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  10. Are you sure it was their crap he was avoiding? His behaviour suggests he was scared they'd make a nest in his hair and lay an egg in it.

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  11. That sounds like it could have been a Seinfeld episode with you playing the part of Elaine. I have never heard of anything like that before.

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  12. Perhaps Todd had a sight problem. Well, it's clear that he HAD problems in general.

    BTW, my son got pooped on by a seagull yesterday at school. He just pulled off his sweatshirt and threw it in the trash can. It was a good sweatshirt too!

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  13. I hope Todd and Deanna's happily ever after doesn't include living near a beach, or a garbage dump, because then he'd never leave the house!
    Funny how things turn out in the end. Great story! - G

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  14. Yvonne, thank you. Yes, good riddance to them. xo

    Gigi, well, none of us likes getting pooped on. But none of us besides him reacts that way, especially on a date. ;0)

    Miley, yeah, I hate that. I always wait for the rain to wash it away - too gross to clean. xo

    GB, perhaps that's true. A woman doesn't want to think about it. [~:

    GR LOL. Thanks. He does sound like Kramer. Kinda looks like him too. xo

    BB, that was expeditious on your son's part. Good thing he didn't bring it home to you to wash. =o)

    Georgina, thank you. Yeah, I'm guessing they have issues anywhere in the outside world. xo

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  15. OK we will make a blind date pact: I'll call you 15 minutes into your date and if it didn't go well, as I've noticed it normally didn't, you can make up an excuse (like OMG my friend is in labor and I have to take her to the hospital!) and end your misery that way. You will, of course, lose great blogging material that way.

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  16. You should have called him the names he obviously deserved. Who would have known pigeons... er, rather seagulls would have saved you?! Those two crazy people were meant to be together and now you have us. Wait, that's good, right? :)

    TalkativeTaurus.com

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  17. Yeah, what Oilfield says! Send the Gender Police over to his place for a little casual neutering.
    Giggedy giggedy!!

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  18. Safe to say, pigeons were not involved.

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  19. Sounds like a wacko...you cull out the weak ones with a walk on the beach. Nice move.

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  20. Sarah, that's very generous of you but I need you to call me 30 seconds into the date. Okay? Thanks. xo

    Krissy, yes, it is a VERY GOOD thing. Thank you, my friend. ;0)

    Al, I'm glad someone caught that Giggedy reference. (He looked like a cross between Kozmo and Quagmire, actually.) "Casual neutering" - LOL. Great idea. Thank you. xo

    Alex, yeah, it's pretty safe to say that. Lucky for them. <~;

    Chuck, I don't live by a beach anymore, though. I'll have to find a back-up locale. Maybe the cow pastures will do. xo

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  21. #1 favorite post of yours of all time. I am still laughing. Holy crap that is funny.

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  22. So I had to read this post just as I had begun to think I might start dating again, or at least start thinking about it. Maybe not...

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  23. so not like one of those blokes from Yorshire who wear pullovers with holes in them and spend all their time with their homing pigeons. They're called pigeon fanciers.

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  24. Oh my! This was so funny. I had to re-read it. They got married? Lucky you for escaping and I will never look at pigeons/seagulls without laughing...ever...again....this hit a funny bone. xo

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  25. I'll bet "A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS" Played their wedding!

    Girl--LMBO STILL-The things You get yourself into..... Robyn.... I just want to......


    OMG-- The Iguanas!.....The Iguanas....wanna go out next Tuursdayyyyyyyyyyyyyy.................

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  26. Cheeseboy, I'm truly honored. Thank you. xo

    Ca88, uh oh. Does that make this bad or good timing? Think of all the blog material... ;0)

    SM, thanks for visiting. I'm glad you liked it. xo

    David, interesting. No, I'm doubtful he's a pigeon fancier. Sounds like I wouldn't want to date one of those either. [~:

    Gayle, I'm glad for you too. xo

    Marnie, in retrospect, it is pretty darn funny. Good lord, how can anyone who's not visually impaired mistake pigeons for seagulls? Oy. =ob

    John, you are so funny. Um, John, those aren't iguanas. They're anteaters. Duh!LYMI! XO

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  27. OMG what a pussy! You got out in time.. lol

    ps Hope blind date number 12,463 is better!

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  28. Wow Robyn...I don't even know what to say to that. What a terd.

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  29. I loved this one...“The pigeons! The pigeons!” he screeched in holy terror.....that had me cracking up.... maybe you should gone the other way screaming "the quagmire, the quagmire!"

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  30. Anthony, lol. Thanks. ;0)

    Babysis, true. He really should've gotten turded (I think I just made that word up) on. xo

    Rek, RFLMAO, that would've been priceless! Thank you. [~:

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  31. Maybe you need to watch the Millionaire Matchmaker. Seriously, I think the bird guy might have been on there - ha!

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