Wednesday, March 16, 2011

On Why I Choose Celibacy and Won't Get Lucky Today, Reasons #78 - 82

Taken directly from current internet dating ads, here are reasons #78-82 for my celibate existence - with the usual banter in bold italics.
       May you experience luck in some form today!  xoRobyn 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REASON #78: I have been single since me and my ex wife got divorced. Um, dude, why did you divorce your ex wife? In CA, you need not repeat the dreaded process. Sorry I didn’t tell you that years ago.

REASON #79: 3ft7 384lbs all hairy with warts covering the hump on my back, cross-eyed, drooling, no teef, pimpled faced, peg legged and club footed, hung like a hamster, living in a van down by the river. I'm dead sexxay. Okay okay, not really, but I figured this would at least get a chuckle or two, and if not, then you might not get my cents, since, sense yeah, that's it, sense of humor. No I don’t get it, buddy. Neither do you. You likely never will. I have no tats or piercings, typical clean cut guy. Just ask me anything you want to know, I am an open book when it comes to myself, no need to hide anything. I beg to differ.

REASON #80: I'm a single dad with a 7 year old daughter. Absolute angle and the love of my life. Poor girl. Is she obtuse, acute, or perpendicular?

REASON #81: Have job and teeth
This does bode well, given the competition. Have number?

REASON #82: Hay: I am all that I am because I am not afraid to try (now that’s deep) . (Deep is a relative term. You’re relatively challenged. Aren’t you, babe?) ok now that the bs is a flying lets get real.I am a single father of two great kids . I spend a lot of time with them (they live with me). I like to cook and do so most every day I am not afraid to try new recipes my kids sometimes are . I really try to be a good person all the time no matter how much crap flies. I know that no matter how bad things can be they always get better always. I believe that the cup is three quarters full . Gardening is fun I love to ride my motorcycle turn on the ipod and cruse I take it you like to multi-task but don't like to end a sentence.

31 comments:

  1. "you might not get my cents," wrote the hairy midget. Not a great tipper then.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Never believe a dude when he says his daughter is an absolute angel. Its NEVER true.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Gotta agree with you here. They all sound single for good reason...

    Pearl

    ReplyDelete
  4. OMG. Is this is a sampling of available men in the Paradise area?

    Do they pay by the word to post these ads?

    #78 Since of humor? He lost me at 3 ft. 7 all hairy with warts. I can't finish my breakfast now.

    #80 and #82 are looking for a new mommy for their angles.

    Girl...I feel for ya.~Ames

    ReplyDelete
  5. Giving the economy I'd say try #81. Let's hope he doesn't have kids!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I agree with you on all of those ones Robyn.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ouch. That last one hurt to read. You'd think someone trying to attract a mate would think to at least give what they've written a once over.

    Maybe one of his kids wrote it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh MAN! 3'7" and 384lbs? Where do I sign up??

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hmmmmm. U sure you didn't log into the Middle Ga dating sites? Sounds like my area.

    ReplyDelete
  10. GB, good point - as always. Thanks. xo

    ADSL, nor an absolute angle. Either one is too far fetched. Thank you. ;0)

    Pearl, I knew I had your support. Thanks. xo

    Ames, sorry you lost your breakfast. I think you're right about #81 and 82. Thanks for the laugh. [-:

    Sarah, or angles. No angles for this gal. xo

    OT, thanks for concurring. =o)

    TS, you'd think, unless he had an angle. xo

    Cake, seriously. You can actually have the place in front of me in line, though. I'm generous that way. [-:

    KD, you know, these are all California men. Don't you wish they all could be California boys now? Oy vey! xo

    Happy St. Patrick's Day, all! xo

    ReplyDelete
  11. I've got my own teeth, my own hair, I don't weigh the size of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, and I not only know the English language, but I can use it fairly well.

    Come on, ladies, line up. I've got as much time as you want to give. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am going to remind my students that developing their writing skills could improve their love lives!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Reason #79: Dude may be an open book, but there's nothing written on the pages.
    Pass.
    Reason #80: Spell check obviously worked. Too bad "Idiot Check" didn't.
    Pass.
    Reason #82: "I am all that I am." Did Popeye dump Olive Oyl?
    Pass.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Well, at least there are giggles, in the hunt! (and MUCH blog fodder)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Laughing my arse off at the angle commentary!!! Obtuse, alright!! ROFL!!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. have job and teeth - well who needs a personality or a body?

    ReplyDelete
  17. The teeth AND a job? Holy crap, I am shocked he's single. Well, to be fair, I'd date a woman that spelled angel "angle", but I suppose it's different for men.

    ReplyDelete
  18. The last guy I went out with used to text me "Hay, how are you?", "Hay, are you coming over?", "Hay, why aren't you returning my texteses?" <----NO that is NOT at typo! I wanted to call him and tell him "Hey! Use spell check!"

    ReplyDelete
  19. WriterRory, you are clearly a cut above. Hope you can handle the overwhelming line-up at your door. xo

    BB, please do. Then, forward me their ads, so I can post them. Ok? That would be such fun. ;0)

    Al, oh, thank you for all the laughter. I especially like the open book with "nothing written on the pages" comment. Classic! xo

    MsA, true. Never a shortage of blog fodder, despite my celibacy. {~;

    Alex, I'm glad you liked it. I'm hoping she's acute and not obtuse. xo

    Marlene, LOL. I'd have to go with obtuse myself. You're not alone. =o>

    Baygirl, good one! And that's not to mention brains or money. Thanks for the laugh!xo

    Cheeseboy, really? Well, as a first grade teacher, I suppose you shouldn't be offended by angles. Tell me, do you prefer the perpendicular to the obtuse? [~;

    Yvonne, I can't stop laughing. These comments are too good, and yours takes the cake. Or should I say cakeses? Thanks! xo

    ReplyDelete
  20. OK - I am so not going to take notice! Lordy lordy lordy - surely there are some better fish in that big sea out there???

    ReplyDelete
  21. I am tempted to join up just so I can read and be thankful I have no desire to date. I don't even know what to say. You have to laugh...right?! Becuase what other choice is there? It's rude to point AND laugh....

    ReplyDelete
  22. If the guy has a daughter, it's nature's way of telling a woman to haul ass out of there. The daughter will be VERY possessive of him and he will argue that she isn't.
    Believe me...

    ReplyDelete
  23. HAA HAAAAAAA11 Maybe that one is the Right Angle to try? At least he can speale!

    LYMI,

    J

    ReplyDelete
  24. The whole "angel", "angle" thing drives me crazy too!

    #82: Apparently, "hay" and "hey" is not a big difference, either.

    ReplyDelete
  25. lol at 78 and 81... oh dear..these guys have no chance do they.. haha

    Gold Robyn..once again..

    xo

    ReplyDelete
  26. Honey, where do you come up with these men? Seriously. I need to take you out and get you laid.

    On the next plane to paradise....

    Lisa

    ReplyDelete
  27. #80 someone wasn't paying attention in goemetry class...no wonder wife/GF off to find mad angles of her own...
    #79 what's up with warty...someone tried to be hearty ending up very swatted...
    enjoyable as always :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. Ca88, definitely maybe possibly. Well, for you, absolutely. xo

    Tony, hard to believe he came up with that one all on his own. Thanks for dropping by. ;0)

    Daffy, yeah. I do like the point-and-laugh tactic. It throws them off even further into the weirdness zone. xo

    Pat, sounds like fair warning from a man who knows what he's talking about. Thank you. [-:

    John, I'm back to thinking he's obtuse. LYMI lots xo

    Shan, I agree. But don't they know that hay is for horses? I learned that in grade school. =o)

    Anthony, thank you. xo

    Lisa, oh honey, I am laughing. When does your plane arrive? [-:

    Rek, your comment was enjoyable as always. Thank you, friend. xo

    ReplyDelete