Tuesday, February 15, 2011

To All The Boys I've Loved Before, Dedicated to the Men of San Francisco's Jewish Singles Scene

As I prepare to leave the San Francisco Bay Area, I’m reminded of countless warm and loving interactions – none of which occurred in the Jewish singles scene. It’s a scene not for the faint of heart. It’s a scene wherein massive amounts of hopeful singles in their 20's and 30's, and 12 men over 45, convene in a display of concern for some aspect of Judaism (e.g., “Oh yeah, I like - um - what are these called? Bay-gulls?”). Espressos and blackberries in hand, they scan the crowds for the one - the one they’re somewhat sure they haven’t already met on jdate.com. He/she must: (a) look hot, (b) be new in town, (c) live within 10 miles, and (d) hate country music.

I survived nearly twenty years of this drudgery, and I like country music. The results of my efforts were a few dates and some brief lukewarm flames. There was a 13-month marriage followed by 13 months of divorce proceedings. Then, it was back to seeing the same men on jdate.com that were there 19 years earlier. It wasn't hard to recognize them, given their ads and photos were unchanged.

I’m left feeling generally annoyed. And so, this song goes out to the men of the San Francisco Bay Area Jewish singles scene. Offense is not intended for those I don't intend to offend. I love Judaism and my people. I just did not love the Jewish singles scene.

(happy Jewish couple from Google images)

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before


Sung to the tune (sort of) of To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before by Willie Nelson

To all the boys I’ve loved before –

All two of them, there were no more.

Had you not done did me wrong,

We wouldn’t have this song

To all the boys I’ve loved before.

                   ~~

To all the boys who wouldn’t pay

Calm down, my dear. Hear what I say:

One buck for my coke

Would not have left you broke

To all the boys who wouldn’t pay.

                   ~~

To all the boys chasing 20 year olds

I sense it’s time that you were told

Although you think you’re nifty,

They don’t like ‘em over 50

To all the boys chasing 20 year olds

                  ~~

To all the boys still living at home.

Cut the cord, babe. It’s time to roam.

It really ain’t appealing,

You and mama share a ceiling.

To all the boys still living at home.

                 ~~

To all the boys who think they’re funny.

Honey, you’re not. Not at all.

To all the boys who think they’re funny.

~~That is all. Thank you.~~


34 comments:

  1. Yeah, I don't understand why people say they love to hate country music. I mean, really? Why don't more people hate rap?

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  2. On to new beginnigs and new MEN!!! :)

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  3. Robyn I hear Nashville calling your name!
    Loved your song :)
    I am glad to see you survived Valentine's Day with your beautiful humor in tact!
    Lots of Love
    gi gi

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  4. Trust me when I say that the Jewish community has not cornered the market on horrible single scenes. Sadly, I think it's just the Bay Area in general. Love the song!

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  6. Momma Fargo, thank you, friend. xo

    Shannon, that's an excellent point. I'm not ashamed to admit I like country music but hate rap, techno, heavy metal and any of that other garbage. So there. ;0)

    Yvonne, thanks. I always appreciate your happy energy. xo

    Gigi, thanks sweet friend. Lots of love back to you. <~:

    Jane, thanks. I really appreciate your perspective. Yeah, the Bay Area feels very transitory - like, full of transients who don't want to commit. Then again, that may be true for all big cities, or for the Christian singles scene, etc. Don't know. xo

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  7. tooo funny miss Robin...

    Never dated outside the Jewish theme?

    Come on, break outside the box!

    Lisa

    P.S. When are you moving?

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  8. very funny! Love the song adaptation and the narrative...I can't imagine dating - I am single now (well, sort of, almost, will be someday I hope) and well...after what I have been through - I am perfectly content

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  9. "You and Mama share a ceiling"?!!!!

    :-) Robyn, I LOLed; and you'll hvae to believe me that I rarely LOL while reading.

    That was truly priceless.

    Pearl

    p.s. Do you really want to know what finger Stinky (the glove) was holding up, frozen there in the snowdrift outside my house?! It was the middle finger, hand to God. :-) Sounds like I'm making it up, but it was true.

    BTW, how's your Yiddish? :-) Reading a lot of Shalom Aleichem lately and he's wormed his way into my brain, where I hope he never leaves. (My new author-crush, even if he is well and truly dead.)

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  10. This made me laugh out loud, especially the line "one buck for my coke would not have left you broke". Although I don't like country music (ssh, they might kick me out of Texas), I don't think this scene would be for me if I were single LOL. Kat

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  11. ...they scan the crowds for the one-loved that.
    Funny read; And what a great song you paired with it. :)

    Hugs to you!
    Betty xx

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  12. Very cute. I hear Paradise is full of men who are waiting just for you.

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  13. Robyn, you always seem to know when I need a good laugh and a smile. Thank you for your song. I loved it.

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  14. It sounds a bit claustrophobic to me, with friends comparing notes on the same boy or girl they dated. Did you ever compare notes, Robyn?

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  15. Lol. I loved this!! Here's to better luck in the future!!

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  16. Lisa, I have dated outside the box but it has its ways of pulling me back in. Must be the yummy food. xo

    Terra, I can relate. It's much more peaceful and, often, a welcomed state. Thanks. =~]

    Pearl, thanks so much. I love it all - the finger Stinky chose to extend (talk about priceless) and Shalom's books. I should get reading. My Yiddish is ok, getting rusty. It's my favorite language - such chutzpah. xo

    Kat, thank you. I'm guessing there may be another country music hater in Tx. I won't tell, though, lots of Texans own guns I hear. [-:

    BettyM, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks, hon. xo

    BettyB, hold me. I'm scared. =>

    OT, I'm so glad. I don't want you feeling down in the dumps. xo

    GB, oh yes. There's lots of comparing of notes. My friends and I have dated the same guys. Once the men run out of options, they move to Israel. (-:

    Babysis, thank you. I could use it. xo

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  17. May you have better luck with the semetics of Paradise.

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  18. Very lyrical-I loved it!
    Missing from the question in the first paragraph:
    e. All of the above

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  19. YOU are funny!!! Loved this! Laughed hard at the coke line!! (Remembering some of the cheapskates you've outed on here!)

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  20. I think it will sell! And for what it's worth ... Christian Singles Groups aren't much better! From what I've heard anyway!

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  21. I was very encouraged to find this site. I wanted to thank you for this special read. I definitely savored every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you post.

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  22. Kal, thanks. I think I will be the sole Semite in Paradise (where I'll be working), but there are a few others in Chico (where I'll be living). xo

    Al, good point. You're right. E is most often what they're looking for. ;0)

    Marlene, yeah, those tightwads. Always glad to make you laugh. Thanks. xo

    Beth, thanks. Somehow, it's consoling to hear that it's not easy in the Christian singles scene either. <~;

    Watch, thanks so much. I'm honored. I tried commenting on your site, but the comments were closed. Hope to see you again. xo

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  23. haha, that is awesome! Keats would be proud :)

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  24. To all the women who eat their full half of pizza,

    A share is a share but let's be fair,

    60:40 is best - now leave me that last slice,

    To all the women who eat their full half of pizza,

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  25. My new followers, welcome. Thanks for joining. You make me happy. xo

    AlphaZa, thank you. I'm wondering if Keats has a cute male relative who's single and alive. ;0)

    Glen, that's awesome. Thanks for the man's version. 60:40 is best, and you really do deserve the last slice - especially if it has anchovies. xo

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  26. I don't know about Jewish men, but your song sure reminded me of a couple of men from the past. They are a precious bunch! Love the "Offense is not intended for those I don't intend to offend" well said!

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  27. Robyn, you should be a song writer. The song was brilliant :0D

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  28. Hahaha!!! I loved this, girl. As I said yesterday, you are a PRIZE! Why do those www.jdate.com guys have to be so LAME??

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  29. hahaha - love the song! All too true! Chasing young skirt.. yeah, well.. its in the genes so to speak.. i mean, in the jeans.. lol

    Hopefully love will rescue you from this horrendous Singles Scene.. but then, where will get so many laughs?

    Very funny yet again!

    x

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  30. Thanks Sarah. It probably wouldn't hold up in court, but, well, I aim to offend only those I aim to offend. :0D

    Marnie, thanks. I sure hope Mr. Nelson never sees this one. xo

    Kelley, you're such a dear. Thanks. (~;

    Anthony, yeah, it's in the jeans. Good one. I expect celibacy (not love) will continue to rescue me from the scene and provide the blog fodder. Thanks, my friend. xo

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  31. lol! ;)

    btw - took me like forever to find you again, once you changed your damn url, up top!

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  32. Lovely...but without these lame singles where will we go for hilarious tales of falls and failures... :)

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