And I Wrote This Book.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

On Why I Choose Celibacy, Reasons #63-70 aka I'll Take the Gawkers



With just 24 days left in the San Francisco Bay Area, and a mere 10 days before Valentine's, I figured it's time to search more intensively. So, here you have it, lifted directly from current on-line dating ads, reasons #63-70 to justify my celibate existence. Enjoy. Someone's got to.
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REASON #63: I like playing my guitar and taking pitchers of nature. This begs the questions: Where do you take these pitchers, and what are they filled with? I love any ting out doors...In the summer I like going to as many Fest as I can, because the music is such a wide verity that I get to meet all kinds of interesting people. PARTY TIME!!!!! You bring the verity of tings in pitchers, and look for me out doors. Keep looking. That’s it. Keep looking.


REASON #64: Im really not very good at telling about myself, what do you say thats not what you ment to say. Say what? What do you men by that?

REASON #65: I would love to be the head of an Abrahamic home which will be characteristic of the 144,000. That’s an awful lotta kids. Have you checked with Kate or the Octomom? The love and respect manifested for each family member toward one another will be a witness to the order and love of heaven. The home I long to be a part of will be despised by Satan, the Gay community and the woman's lib, gay friendly church leaders. Yeah, watch out for those woman’s lib, gay friendly church leaders. They like to gather braless, rearrange the pews and paint them pink…Would you rather wear tight denim jeans that expose the exact shape of your body like a whorish woman or would you rather please God and your husband by wearing the beautiful veil of modesty that brings you peace by hiding your beautiful body from gawking men of the streets that do not have the right to look and lust after your beauty? You think I’m stupid? Option A, hands down. A woman needs her dose of gawking, especially when she can barely squeeze into her jeans anymore. But I can tell you where to stick that beautiful, modest veil in a manner that will bring me peace.

REASON #66: Bad ass mofo from the 313=Detroit. Honestly, this one tempts me. I do value my life, though. Momma Fargo, will you kindly join me (in uniform)? I'm not packing.

REASON #67: I don't have anything else planned today, let's get drunk! No thanks, hon. I’m going in search of the bad ass mofo from the 313. Cheers to you.

REASON #68: I have a broken life. My Motercycle is broken. My boat is broken. My heart has been broken meny times. I am lonly and bored. Could realy use a friend (female) that wants to do things like go to a movie, live show, concert or just go to the park. I like to going camping, fishing, ect. as much as watching a good movie at home. I play games on PS2 as a passtime. I don't go to the nightclubs much but, I love to dance. This is really, really sad. You added an unnecessary comma in that last sentence. Waste brings me down.

REASON #69: Hobbies--- Balloon sculpting , underwater baskit weaving , star trek convention coordinater , standup comedian , rock star stripper. lolololol, No really tho --- um , Hmmm? lets see, I like to makeout . lol  I’m afraid I don’t deserve such a witty man.


REASON #70: So here is my deal I asked Santa for a girlfriend this year, and thinking I was pretty good I thought he would grant my Christmas wish but alas here I am still single and hopelessly looking. So I am now turning my relationship future over to Cupid.hope he dose not fail me too…i have a nice but at least big enough for Cupid's arrow to hit me ouch that would hurt. If that happens I won't be sitting down on our first date…I also feel that I am unique as a man because I am always trying to figure out what a women want's. At this point, a woman’s just looking for a mofo who can write a normal ad or find a friend to write it for him.

33 comments:

  1. This just makes me sad today because, well just because. I guess I show go be a monk now.

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  2. Hi! I just discovered your blog, and this was the first post I read. Loved it! Hilarious. I'm now going to become a follower.

    I can really relate because I actually tried the whole online dating thing...but for some reason, most of the guys I came in contact with were decent spellers--and didn't call themselves mofos, thankfully. :|

    ShanimalCrackers.blogspot.com

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  3. How about a genuine hug from a genuine friend?

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}. Boy is that Old school Internet or what?? LOL.

    Love ya Robyn....sorry for all the A-Hole men in this world!

    Celibacy: Paul said was a good thing!

    LYMI, Love ya Mean it--I'm getting lazy!

    J

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  4. #65 is looking for this paragon of virtue via the singles coloums?

    If he found one wouldn't he then be all "thou art an unholy woman for thou'st can read!"?

    Pax
    [seriously amused Downunder]

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  5. Does number 70 want Cupid's arrow to pierce his posterior? What's he going to do when his butt falls in love? Sit on the woman?

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  6. Seriously?
    #63 Hippie.
    #64 Huh?
    #65 Reminds me of the Nike shoe freaks that were waiting for the mother ship to come and pick them up.
    #66 I'd be curious myself.
    #67 He should have just advertised "Looking for a co-dependent"
    #68 TMI
    #69 There's something to be said about a person who makes jokes and laughs at his own jokes. Weird??
    #70 Seriously??

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  7. You sure found winners again...I think #65 takes the cake. Men can be so dense!!

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  8. I enjoy pitchers of nature too. Tastes like honey and urine mixed together!

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  9. Happy, Friday, Robyn, hope, you, have, a, great, weekend, ah ha ha!
    Your writing always keeps me comma back for more ;0
    love ya
    gi gi

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  10. Paradise may be too tame... Chico a whole 'nother story.

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  11. OT, I'm with you. We'll shake things up in that monastery. It'll be a fun time. xo

    Shannon, thanks. I've returned the follow. Great to make a new friend. I'm surprised you found good spellers on-line. ;0)

    John, that was such a nice hug from such a nice man. LYMI back to you. xo

    Pax, lol. Very good and sadly true. [-:

    Terra, thanks. I'm laughing with you. xo

    GB, yeah, that line about not sitting down - what a weirdo. =~>

    Ames, I always like your take on these. I'd like to slap with all with a big TMI! xo

    Babysis, #65 definitely takes the cake. {o:

    BB, I guess we have slightly different tastes my friend. xo

    Gigi, happy Friday and love back to you. Thank you, friend. =0)

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  12. Oh god...are there men like that around? Omg..Omg..now I definitely pity the women who dare date them..
    Didn't someone tell him #65 Noah' ark decomposed 5000 yrs ago....half the species are dead....
    #67 is at least giving you a hint...reminds me of my Ex hubby...have nothing else to do, let me eat your head...
    #68 Advice...I have broken body parts, a dead boring life but am I begging for attention?...
    And what's with native English speakers who can't use spell-check?

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  13. Aside from the fact that these guys all sound like LOSERS, the spelling errors would sooooooo put me off!

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  14. This part had me rolling: would you rather please God and your husband by wearing the beautiful veil of modesty that brings you peace by hiding your beautiful body from gawking men of the streets that do not have the right to look and lust after your beauty?

    What the crap?!

    I think these Reasons Why are always my favorite posts of the week. The commentary is the best!

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  15. I don't know which is sadder--poor lonely men with broken hearts or poor lonely men with broken hearts who couldn't write a decent ad if their lives depend on it. What the heck is underwater baskit weaving anyway?

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  16. bahahahahahaha! this cracked me up! i'm a pro at online dating -or lack thereof. i do it mainly for amusement purposes these days. some of the men (allegedly) i've encountered online are not only mofos but sick and demented mofos oh then there are the married mofos! those are the worse! lol

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  17. Rek, your comments are the best! I love your response about Noah's Ark! I don't get the spellcheck thing either. Maybe they can't find it. xo

    Judie, definitely. It's challenging to find a well-written ad, much less one not fraught with spelling errors. ;->

    Cheeseboy, I agree. That one question tops the charts. Or, bottoms out the charts. Good lord, what a weirdo. xo

    Baygirl, I need to hunt that one down in the 313. [-:

    Sarah, LOL. I don't know, but I don't think any bad ass mofo would be caught dead doing underwater baskit weaving. xo

    Yvonne, you've had your share of experiences with the different levels of mofos. So sorry. Thanks for sharing the laughs. It is highly amusing, isn't it? [-:

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  18. Do I read Why I Choose Celibacy because the ads are so stinking funny or do I read Why I Choose Celibacy because your comments are hysterical. Just one of life's many unanswered questions.

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  19. ugh! i hate that i have a typo! i meant "worst" lol -i'm a spell freak. and yeah, it's HIGHLY amusing!

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  20. Loved this post...Laughed...

    so happy to have some blog reading time while we have been snowed in...which is rare in our state....

    Happy Saturday
    teresa

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  21. hahaha - such terrible spelling! and lol at the octomum.. haha - what a nutter...

    Where is this site based? Russia? haha - funny shit gf...

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  22. omigosh!! I now know the PERFECT job for you! You should have a service where you teach men to write personal ads that don't make people want to live with some mofo from the 313 just to get out of/protected from the Abrahamic "lifestyle" (ahem! cult).
    You don't have to teach them grammar or syntax or spelling, so it's not like you'd be LYING. It's a service. They pay you, just as they'd be smart enough to ask a friend or whatever. You're not judgmental about it and they get to look good.

    PLUS, in the off chance you meet a nice guy who is simply looking to spiff up his dating resume' (and it's not horrific) you get first dibs!

    Damn, I am such a genius.

    You may want to consult with a guy I know as well. I met him online. His profile was well written but the catcher was "It's what Eddie Money would do"... as a lover of all things 80's music, I had to go for it and for him.

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  23. (psst, that guy may have commented here earlier)

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  24. 2 Awards for you at my place kitty kat.

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  25. This post had me laughing til I about peed my pants. Let's go get some mofo! I'm ready!Got your back any day, Robyn.

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  26. Marla, whatever the answer, I'm always glad to see you. ;0)

    Yvonne, I didn't even notice. I'm sure I've added some typos to your page. I'm glad to find someone to commiserate with. It's not amusing until you share it with someone, right? That's when the tears turn to laughter. xo

    Teresa, I'm really glad to have made your snowed in time more bearable. Thanks! [-;

    Anthony, thanks. Yep, lots of nutters out there. xo

    Miley, you're great. A genius too. I'll get on it, and I'll send the extra eligible ones (because, of course, there will be so many) your way. Psst, Mr. O. is pretty suave, huh? ;~>

    Kal, thanks so much. xo

    Momma Fargo, phew. I feel so much better. I'm ready, girlfriend. Let's hit the 313 and get some bad ass mofos. Thanks! I knew you'd have my back. You've got me laughing lots over here too. {o:

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  27. @#65...huh? Yup...he will get a lot of responses (perhaps not the kind he was hoping for).

    @#69 - Balloon Sculpting...now it takes a special man to think that one up!

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  28. Girl, I did the online dating thing for almost 8 years. I would date a while and then go back on. At one point, I had 21 dates in 21 weeks...I wrote about it in my book. It is amazing the LOSERS that want to date a woman like me..........

    L
    O
    S
    E
    R
    S

    The gene pool on Maui is pretty stagnant! However, I did ask Santa this year for a boyfriend. Just thought I would try something new! LOL! (That does not put ME in the LOSER department!)

    Have a great day! Thanks for the giggle!

    Lisa

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  29. I would go with the rockstar stripper star trek convention coordinator but that's just how I roll.

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  30. OMG...where do you find the world's worst spellers?!!!! It would be funny (okay, so it is) if it wasn't so SAD!! (It's that, too!)

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