How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways:
1) With destructive fury to the depths of my soul
2) With insane rage encapsulating my wondrous heart
3) With morbid despair enlivening my every blood vessel
4) Always and forever ad nauseam
5) With more chocolate than on any other day of the year, the kind that doesn’t come in a heart shaped container, the kind that is not to be shared with anyone else but is solely for me just because, even though you think I’m unworthy of life since I’m single and you only care about those lovey-doveys whose existence is nullified without each other, those two half-a-persons engaged in a gropefest at the park right now; quit staring at my chocolate, you can’t have any; the kind that says “Damn you for rubbing it in my face that I’m single.” Oh yeah? Well, I can sleep peacefully without someone snoring in my ear. Yeah, and I don’t have to respond to asinine conversation or jokes that induce vomit, and I have no one but myself to fight with so I always win an argument, usually; and nobody but me ignores what I have to say, and I don’t have to worry about anyone else eating my chocolate because it’s mine, all mine. Got it, buster? You can’t have any. Neener neener.
6) Enough to change your name.
Go away now. I hate you, you know.
PS I heard you’re a saint. Are you single?
With embattled embitterment ad nauseam and a flirtatious wink whilst subtly lowering my neckline to expose a teaser of cleavage,