And I Wrote This Book.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Happy Chocolate Day!


Dear Valentine’s Day,

How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways:

1) With destructive fury to the depths of my soul

2) With insane rage encapsulating my wondrous heart

3) With morbid despair enlivening my every blood vessel

4) Always and forever ad nauseam

5) With more chocolate than on any other day of the year, the kind that doesn’t come in a heart shaped container, the kind that is not to be shared with anyone else but is solely for me just because, even though you think I’m unworthy of life since I’m single and you only care about those lovey-doveys whose existence is nullified without each other, those two half-a-persons engaged in a gropefest at the park right now; quit staring at my chocolate, you can’t have any; the kind that says “Damn you for rubbing it in my face that I’m single.” Oh yeah? Well, I can sleep peacefully without someone snoring in my ear. Yeah, and I don’t have to respond to asinine conversation or jokes that induce vomit, and I have no one but myself to fight with so I always win an argument, usually; and nobody but me ignores what I have to say, and I don’t have to worry about anyone else eating my chocolate because it’s mine, all mine. Got it, buster? You can’t have any. Neener neener.

6) Enough to change your name.

Go away now. I hate you, you know.


PS I heard you’re a saint. Are you single?


With embattled embitterment ad nauseam and a flirtatious wink whilst subtly lowering my neckline to expose a teaser of cleavage,


Robyn

HAPPY CHOCOLATE DAY, ONE AND ALL!



39 comments:

  1. lmao! this was great! happy valentine's day to you too sweets!

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  2. Yes, indeed it is a chocolate day! But...I only receive chocolate from my mom. They're still good, though!

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  3. It's really a damn shame you and I aren't lesbians because after reading this, I think I want to marry you.

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  4. Now if Mr Valentine could just see that teaser of cleavage I think he'd soon lose his saintliness. Have a good Chocolate Day, Robyn!

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  5. It's really all about the chocolate.....
    OD on chocolate tomorrow!

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  6. Chocolate, sweet loving chocolate, I will melt thee and slather thee all over my hips...just to say I had some of you today.........Now if I could just find Romeo so he could lick it off, then I would be one happy woman...

    Till then, heat up the chocolate and I am taking my clothes off..

    Ta Ta...

    Lisa

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  7. Sounds like you are having a dark chocolate day. Hope things get light and fluffy soon!`Ames

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  8. I am single too! I can totally relate to your reasons mentioned above. LOL!

    Brilliant post, Robyn, you just put a smile on my face.
    It's all about the chocolate thing.

    Big hugs!
    B xx

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  9. That was a great rant. I know that my hate for this day is only matched in intensity by my love for the chocolate covered cherries that go sale tomorrow at prices so low it's not even worth it to stuff them in my jumper without paying for them. I know I should deny myself their chocolate/cherry goodness but I will freeze a few boxes and have ONE a day - taking the time to let the thaw in my mouth. I couldn't be happier to be single. No one ever lives up to anyone's expectations on this stupid corporate non-holiday.

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  10. That was awesome. Happy Chocolate Day to you as well!!

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  11. Happy Chocolate Day, my friends. I love you all! xoxo

    Kal, no one lives up to anyone's else's expectations, it's true. Chocolate has its ways, though. I like your freezing strategy.

    xoxoRobyn

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  12. Chocolate day is for kids who know no better...we wiser, older single women laugh at their sense of immortality which changes every season... happy white chocolate day.... for you
    https://picasaweb.google.com/songsbuff4/BlogPictures#5573601554673392594

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  13. Does anyone actually like it?! I don't know if I've heard on anyone that does!!

    Rapunzel x

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  14. Happy Chocolate Day Robyn--Today, and tomorrow too. Isn't every day Chocolate Day!!!

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  15. Irritating no-one-loves-you-in-a-romantic-way day is counterbalanced by the huge sales on chocolate in our immediate future.

    Wheeeee!

    Pearl

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  16. I just ate a chocolate fudge pop. Yummy.

    Happy Chocolate Day to you, my friend! xoxox

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  17. As much as I love my groom? C'mere, Robyn...lean in. *whispers behind hand*: i think i might love this rant almost as much.

    Neener-neener, indeed.

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  18. Amen, sister! I am so high-fiving you on all of that, and especially the name change. :)

    TalkativeTaurus.com

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  19. I'm sending you a case of those giant Hershey bars, Robyn - that work?

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  20. Ummm ... wow! Happy Valentines Day anyway Robyn! :)

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  21. My friend and I were just talking about this commercial-laced ripoff holiday. And yes, the Saint is single.

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  22. Hope you are having a great day darling! I am plotting my dinner and which movie to watch tonight...(after watching, "Lie to me" favorite show!)

    What kind of chocolate du jour are you ingesting on national chocolate day? Pray tell?



    Lisa

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  23. Rek, I thought of you when I bought myself a white chocolate bar. xo

    Lisa, see above. Some people say white chocolate is not real chocolate. I say those people aren't real people. Well, that's a bit harsh. It doesn't have cocoa in it, but white chocolate serves me well. ;0)

    Rapunzel, good point. I don't think anyone does. xo

    Alex, sure. That will help. Thanks. [-:

    CB, do you know how I can contact him? Is he on twitter? xo

    Love to you all! xoxo

    Beth, yeah, I haven't exactly grown more optimistic over time, have I?

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  24. PS, a few more:

    Judie, absolutely. I just took the opportunity to declare today as Chocolate Day. You and I know this extends throughout the year. xo

    Pearl, thanks for the reminder...a few more hours til the sales hit. All those lovey-dovey half persons will still be in a chocolate coma while the rest of us hit the sales. ;0)

    Krissy, a big high-five back to you, friend. Thank you. xo

    Marlene, good call with the chocolate fudge pop. I think. You mean a soda? Interesting. ;0)

    Sue, I love it. I'll keep it under wraps. Thanks for coming by. xo

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  25. Sometimes it's better to have chocolates on Valentine's day without a man.

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  26. I am married and still annoyed by Valentines day. The chocolate is really the only thing it has going for it.

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  27. The same to you Robyn! I decided the diet was out today and indulged. Now to be able to resist all the kid's loot in the pantry
    ;-) !!
    ~M

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  28. Um...I would like to second the earlier lamenting over your non-lesbian status.

    Not, of course, that I'm a lesbian either. But for someone as brilliant as yourself, I could possibly make an exception.

    Nice work and vive les singletons!

    - B x

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  29. I don't think you want to date Cupid. He is kinda freaky. HE still wears a diaper.

    "With morbid despair enlivening my every blood vessel" That is some deep hate!

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  30. Sarah, yes, chocolate is a gal's true love. xo

    Erika, I agree. Even on those very few occasions when I had someone to celebrate with, it was disappointing. Chocolate's good any day of the year, though. ;0)

    Poetic, ooh, kids loot in the pantry? What's your address? xo

    Barrenness, I'm flattered. I'm quite sure I could make an exception for royalty. Thanks. [-:

    Cheeseboy, yeah, Cupid's a mama's boy. In fact, I think I already dating him. xo

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  31. You really made me laugh out loud with the question to St. Valentine's! Robyn, in all seriousness, you are an absolutely gift and prize for any man. You only deserve the best!! I know you know that. :)

    On another note, do you mind stopping back over to my blog to vote for your favorite Captcha Balderdash definition later today? I don't feel like I can truly calculate the votes until I hear from you! I will understand if you are not able to, but I thought I'd ask. Thank you! :)

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  32. Now how did I miss this post? I must have been eating too many cinnamon hearts yesterday. I agree with you on Valentines day. It's more enjoying to see kids get excited. However I am now enjoying my chocolate coma from that wonderful package you sent me. I was starting to sound like Homer Simpson :0)

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  33. Not one of my favorite holidays if you can call it that! I eat way too much chocolate on Valentine's Day.

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  34. ha, ha, you are too funny Robyn - I had to endure being a guinea pig for the Valentine's chocolates taste tsting at work, a crappy job but someone had to do it...

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  35. Aw shucks, Kelley, you are a sweetie. And thanks for making sure I voted. I feel special. xo

    Marnie, you know it's good chocolate when you start to sound like Homer Simpson. LOL. I'm glad they moved it across the border without helping themselves. ;0)

    Gayle, yeah, it doesn't - or shouldn't - count as a holiday. xo

    David, that's a tough job. I'm glad you made the sacrifice. Did you actually have to nibble or could you ravage those morsels? <-:

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