Wednesday, September 22, 2010

What Red Did, Gosh Darn That Marnie!




THIS ONE IS FOR RED, OUR MARNIE. THANK YOU, MARNIE!!

Last Friday was Yom Kippur. I was supposed to be in synagogue, pounding my bosoms and not thinking about food at all. Nope, I wouldn’t think about chocolate or other delectably satisfying edibles, necessary to assure my survival. Nope, nah, nah ah, and heretofore not at all. I would be focused instead on deep, introspective endeavors, not luscious cheesecake topped with caramel, or chilled chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream (in a sugar cone), or a singular but rather immense raisinette screaming to be eaten. No, no. I’d engage in no such blasphemous ideation.

However, I would ditch the temple gig. Who would know? Um, oh yeah. Well, I’d redeem myself by fasting. Maybe. See, I told me, I shall decide to fast. I’ll see if that bodes well with me. I’ll assess whether or not to make a new choice at that point. If I mess up, who will know? Oh yeah.

It would be fine. I planned some fun things, like blood tests and a mammogram, to keep me engrossed in sacred matters. Instead of pounding my boobs, I had them squished every which way between cold metal plates. I’d say that’s worth double points, in a big way. Wouldn’t you? (If not, you haven’t seen these girls.) Instead of repenting for my sins, I had a needle stuck into my vein and watched my blood leave my body. Fun times. Fun times.

For further soul enhancing humiliation, I interviewed with a temp agency. Do you know that I scored 83 percent on a stupid speling – er, spelling (?)- test!? Did you know that spellcheck does not approve of the word spellcheck? As I was saying, I won a spelling bee in second grade, for Christ’s (sorry, for goodness) sake! I demand a recount. (Is that how you spell recount?)

Alas, all this fun took me to 4:30pm. That’s when I reached my doorstep. I wasn't thinking about food. No, not at all. I was too weak and helpless and famished. I deserved just a nibble of something, especially since I wasn’t thinking about food. Ok, 5pm would be my break-fast time. I wouldn’t wait until sundown like the good Jews. Besides, who would know I cheated a little? Oh yeah. Anyway, I could survive for 30 minutes. Right? Did I really have to? No. Yes. No. Maybe. Who cares. It’s only half an hour. It’s a whole half an hour. I couldn’t do it. Come on. You deserve a cookie. You wimp. Wuss. Sissy girl. You’re almost there. Suck it up. Stick with it.


The dialogue continued, and I opened my mailbox. This is where Marnie comes in. Out of the goodness of her heart and for no reason whatsoever, except that she sensed I like chocolate, she sent a gift. It was the perfect solution to my predicament. My taste buds would be fully sated, yet I wouldn’t eat. Can you guess what it was? Time’s up. Now, slap your forehead with an “Of course, why didn’t I think of that? I can't believe I made a public spectacle of myself!” expression, as I reveal the correct answer: her wonderful homemade Bianca brand chocolate lip balm (plus vanilla plus mint). I was so happy to apply chocolate to my lips and attempt to eat my lips. Aah, who said fasting isn't fun? I continued this for one full hour. (Still, they ask me why I'm single. Idiots!)


I broke my fast at 5:36pm and 42 seconds, with a bite of a banana. I gotta tell you, though, her homemade lip balm tasted better than that banana. Marnie/Red makes all kinds of things: shampoo, toothpaste, soaps, etc. You wouldn’t know this because she never tries to sell her products on her blog. She’s amazing and humble. She’s gorgeous too. She does look like this picture of me (or someone else who does look like Marnie). Red's blog is pure fun, sweetness, and socially conscious tidbits. Thanks Marnie, for your kindhearted perfectness!

23 comments:

  1. To be a 'Jew'...you sure don't seem to be too Jewy!

    xo

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  2. I'm glad someone saved you. ;) Good job!! Fasting is hard...

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  3. Chocolate lip balm? What happens if you eat it? Does it make your poo chocolate-coloured?
    Anyway, I'm glad you broke your fast with a banana. It makes me feel as if you're reaching out to the apes. We think of ourselves as Jungle Jews.

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  4. She's a sweet gal!! And sent anther sweet gal sweets!!!

    hugs and lots of make-up chocolate!!

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  5. Ah, Robin, I think I love you. :-)

    Love that you make me laugh every time...

    Pearl

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  6. chocolate lip balm? Freaking genius!
    great post Robyn...

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  7. OhMyGoodness!!!! You make me laugh! Congrats on sticking with your fast past 5:00! And I would say the mammogram is definitely worth double points! :)

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  8. Robyn, I'm so glad that you like them :0) I'm now blushing. Big hugs xo

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  9. I think i beat you (and your bosoms) by 4 minutes.

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  10. what a struggling day. the lip balm was an important "gun" against fasting. thanks for your comment on my post re my house history. take care rose

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  11. Robyn you are such a religious rebel...how do you stand yourself! That lip balm sounds tasty though...

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  12. Blase, I guess not. I never strive for Jewyness, but I am a proud member of the tribe. xo

    BabySis, thank you. Yeah, it's amazing (and depressing) how much I think about food. Now, I can focus on lip balm! ;-)

    GB, I'll give ya the report. No, actually, I won't. It is always good to break a fast with thoughts of you jungle apes in mind. xo

    TIS, thank you. You're a sweet lady yourself. Hugs back to you! Chocolate when you're back full speed. Tons of it! [-;

    Pat, I agree that it's ingenious, especially on Yom Kippur. Thanks. xo

    Beth, why thank you for the double points. No one else acknowledged that one. I do believe it was earned! :->

    Marnie, you're a sweetheart. Plain and simple. xo

    Copyboy, that's pretty good for both of us and our bosoms. Congrats. {-;

    Rose, thank you. I'm always happy to connect with you. xo

    Chuck, good question. I've been arguing with me about how I stand me for a while. Jury's still out. The lip balm is pretty delicious. I tell ya. ;-]

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  13. Chocolate lip balm?! YUMMY!!! I'd be lickin' my lips all day.

    Now about that mammogram....any chance you feel like taking my place next month? I can't believe it's been a year already.

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  14. I just spent a month of fasting. I know how you feel.

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  15. Robyn,
    You always brighten my day and send me away laughing. What a gal you are!!!
    Manzanita

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  16. That is why I don't get the cherry lip balm. I just want to chew on it. Remember the Gumby dolls as a kid? I would eat about three of those a year until my mother figured out that those weren't dog bites. I was never a fan of crayons though. Too chewy. But those flavored markers? If they had those back then I would still be sniffing them in the garage. As a teacher I had to be careful not to get them too close to my nose because it's too easy to spot a marker sniffer. This is what I like about you. You make me comment on things totally unrelated to your posts. Too funny.

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  17. I can see God was moving in your life on that sacred day after all. Perhaps it wasn't Marnie who sent you that lip balm....

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  18. Oh my, Robyn.. you never fail to make me laugh.
    Love your sense of humour.
    I really do.

    HUGS,

    B xx

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  19. Such a good girl, waiting until sundown to eat inspite of raging temptation! I hope you had a beautiful succulent feast when the time came...

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  20. you are such a rebel! but a mommogram is definatlelt double the points, I hate getting the girls mushed

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  21. AlphaZa, you fasted for a month, and there I go complaining about a 20 hour deal. I feel like such an asshole. xo

    Manzanita, ah, thanks! I appreciate you too. :0)

    Kal, I can't believe how funny you are. I appreciate that you never fail to provide entertainment to me and my followers, through your comments. They are worthy of stand alone blog posts! xo

    BB, good point. And, maybe Marnie has more direct connections that the rest of us..:>)

    BettyM, thank you so much! My first goal here is to evoke laughter. xo

    Margaret, thank you. I did enjoy dinner and felt rather accomplished. [o:

    Baygirl, thanks. I know, that mushing thing is hard on the girls! xo

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  22. Oh sister, you seriously need to write a book, have your own talk show, be a street performer. Something!

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