And I Wrote This Book.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

On Why I Choose Celibacy, Reasons #14-19

I don’t mean to be completely deceitful, only partially. Thus, I superimposed my face onto Sandra Bullock’s body, when she and Betty White share a moment. Note: I look happy about this rather celibate gesture. Betty does not.
Enough banter, onto more serious matters. No, no, don't go over to someone else's blog. Please, stay here and enjoy my reasons #14-19 for choosing a celibate existence. Taken directly from internet dating ads, I hereby further justify this upstanding choice.

REASON #14: I look better in person
And do you have a more appealing sales pitch in person too, dude? On second thought, relax. Don’t worry about it. With this headline, you won't get a date.

REASON #15: my job: union: Iron Worker Local #378 Oakland Steel Erection
Now, is it my dirty mind (The celibacy track does mess with my brain.), or is this man rather arrogant about his sexual prowess?
REASON #16: Enough about you. Let's talk about me!
Enough about you!
REASON #17:NOT LOOKING TA TELL MY LIFE STORY HERE.IT WOULD TAKE ALL DAY I AM AN ON HERE. Yeah, I got that much, buddy. What else are you on? I AM AN OVER THE ROAD TRUCKER! I imagine that’s a bit easier than being an under the road trucker or an over the hill driver! CAN YA DEAL WITH THAT? COAST TA COST IS WHAT I DO. NOT WHAT I WANT BUT ITS WHAT I DO SO IF YA WANNA KNOW MORE LET ME KMNOW What I would like to kmnow is: How ta do a coast ta cost, and do ya do this over or under ta road? Can ya tell me how much it costs? Is it cheaper ta coast all the way? Let me kmnow.
REASON #18: Looking for some real people no fake ass
Well, look no further, dude. See photo. Note: That ass can’t possibly be fake. Just ask Betty.
REASON #19: I LIKE WOMEN WITH FEW EXTRA POUNDS NICE BUTTS & THIGHS BEAUTIFUL SMILES AND NICE PERSONELITIES. I almost qualifiy, but I can’t find my nice personelities. I’ll have to check with Human Resources. AND FOR MYSELF I AM HARD WORKER ,WITTY, DOWN TO EARTH GUY NONE DRINKER None? Must be hard to stay hydrated. OR SMOKER I LIKE WORKING OUTDOORS, LOVE ANIMALS TOO I’d hate to find out more about your love for animals.

21 comments:

  1. You always crack me up, girl!!
    Did I ever tell you about my fave guy to hit on me the minute I joined an online dating site after my divorce? His profile was something like "Well, I'm outta jail after beatin my baby mama, but i learneded my lessin and i better now"

    but the love for animals? Oh my... You crack me up!

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  2. Oh my word!! I would be celibate too. Please tell me you make these up. The thought of these being real makes me want to lock up my children. Oh Lord, I hope none of these are my children.

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  3. I think you should introduce the guy who doesn't like fake asses to the guy who likes nice butts. Together, they might find a real nice butt.

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  4. Number 16 really said that? What a terd.

    I love your replies. They're so hilarious. :)

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  5. I love the crappy photoshop that you do on these pictures. I can barely tell it's not you. I was feeling all melancholy about being alone all week until I woke up today and realized I could do what I wanted, didn't have to talk to anyone if I didn't want to, could hide in the bushes to harass the paperboy without being told that I should come inside because it look 'weird', could make enough food for two and still have yummy leftovers leftover in the fridge. Sometimes relationships and people are very overrated. I almost had wings and some drinks with a follower who lives in my same city but they never got back to me and I was relieved.

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  6. no fake ass, so anyone without implants will do?

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  7. Dating... scary word. Frightening. At least you have loads of funny stories to share with us, thanks!

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  8. Funny, I thought maybe a fake ass would be a bonus.....

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  9. Dating in the world today must be a scary place but so funny the way you tell it! Girl, ya crack me up!

    God bless ya and have a wonderful weekend!!!

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  10. damn... sure glad i'm some 9,000+ miles away from ya!:P lol

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  11. Coast ta cost...now that is a nice classy guy for ta!

    You know, just for curiosity sake, I would love to know what they look like.

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  12. there doesn't look like a good no. og decent, honest, just stable guys. maybe this internet stuff is ??

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  13. Miley, right back at ya! xo

    Marla, lord, I also hope none of these are your children. Thanks for the laughs. ;0)

    GB, good idea to bring the asses together. xo

    Babysis, yeah, 16 isn't humble. {0:

    Nezzy, thanks for your blessings. I always seem to need them. xo

    Laughingwolf, not for long..I'm on my way outta here. :op

    Marnie, the ones who do post a picture look anywhere on the spectrum from freaky to decent - until you read their profile, at which time they move to the freaky side. xo

    Rose, yeah, it's more on the ?? end of things than the !! end. No big surprise, but rather annoying (humorous too). (-;

    xoRobyn

    Kal, tis true, we singletons don't tend to look on the bright side. Remind me again - what's the bright side? xo

    ADSL, thanks. :0>

    Baygirl, I guess, but there really are very few options in this day and age. xo

    MissNikki, no problem. Something good's gotta come of this drudgery. (o:

    BB, you'd think, especially to a guy who's clearly an ass. Go figure. No pun intended. xo

    xoRobyn

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  14. hahaha - thats gold Robyn... tell me what this dating site is.. I'll be sure to stay well clear.. seriously, what are these guys thinking? my guess is that they don't..too much cost to cost drieving... lolz

    love it

    xo

    =]

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  15. Too funny replies! You made my day!

    Happy Sunday!

    B xx

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  16. These are a little scary, and they lessen my hope in mankind.

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  17. Oh crap I mean the guys do! Love this post as always very funny!!

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  18. These entries are my favorite reads!!!!!!! LOVE these!!!! Looking forward to more "pick aparts"...ha ha....that's what I call them!

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  19. Another hilarious story Robyn! they are always great...

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