Sunday, February 21, 2010

Love and Trash

You were unattainable. I was jealous of her for years. Your humble warm persona, creative silliness, and depth of character all added up to the man I wanted but couldn’t have. Things changed quickly. You two made the final break. Still, I didn’t plan on replacing her. It just started happening that night. Those fantasy feelings became realized with every passing moment that we spent talking in a cozy diner, after the others had left.

I’ll never forget our 2am drive to Mt. Diablo, to best view the lunar eclipse. You sang to me all the way there and back, as I faded into and out of a dreamlike state. When we got to the top of the mountain, we reclined on the hood of your car under a blanket of stars. You kept me warm with your arms and lips. We didn’t see the eclipse on that hazy night, but it was so incredibly romantic that I cannot begin to reconcile it with your God damn annoying ass habits!

To be more specific, Kenny, I apparently was unable to properly fold your Triple A map. “It’s all in the corners. You’ve got to line them up just so,” you lectured. It seemed I had been slowing the entire navigation process. Why did you need a map anyway, Mr. “I have an amazing sense of direction and can find my way out of any jungle in record time”? It must have been a fluke, then, when you couldn’t locate your favorite Oakland eatery, so we had to settle for the closest Taco Bell. It could only have been the harsh weather conditions that caused you to become terribly flustered upon driving through the Mojave Desert that night. I just wanted a warm bed to sleep in. Alone. Instead, we were stuck in 3 feet of mud in the middle of the desert, with no cell phone reception nor sign of life anywhere I looked, unless I counted you. You offered no comfort but two stale Oreo cookies that you scrounged from the trunk. (Okay, that was actually rather sweet of you. But you’re missing the point here.)

There’s more, Kenny. Hear me out for a change. You demonstrated moral superiority via a boycott of all products made in Asia. How’s that working for you today? This deemed you unable to purchase anything except USA Weekly. And what a snoozer that publication is! On the other hand, you insisted on my car registration stickers, when the DMV mistakenly sent me a second set. Hmm, morality of convenience is rather convenient. Isn’t it, darling?

What truly tipped the scales was not the night we spent stuck in the mud, nor the map-folding tutorials, nor the boycott of 99% of all products sold in the US. What did it, my former beloved, was that one astonishing moment when you reached into the dark recesses of my kitchen trashcan --I repeat: my kitchen trashcan-- to pull out a recyclable milk carton. You therein marked our demise.

I loved you, but I forgot why. I was spent. I needed to boycott you, not Asia. So, my dearly departed, keep the recyclables. Keep folding your maps with the corners lined up just so. Keep every last version of US Weekly, to help cure your insomnia. Keep it all. Just keep it all away from me, so that I can get back to admiring you from afar, or not.

19 comments:

  1. I hope you made him wash his hands afterwards (I'm talking about the carton retrieval).

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  2. We all need to write like this. I have a few letters ti write myself,, one about buying the wrong type of canned corn and the fight that ensued after it.. Really,,, it was CORN!!!!!!!!!

    Hugs to you!!!!

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  3. Triple A maps are to be cherished and protected because not everyone has access to Triple A maps.
    Wait! Forget that.
    I think Kenny came into a place where I used to work. It was on I-5 just south of Redding. Anyway, he was northbound and wanted to know where the turnoff for San Francisco was.

    I think I have some Oreos in the trunk.

    Ivan

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  4. How many relationships have been destroyed by recycling? lol

    Excellent post.

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  5. mt. diablo? we're practically neighbors! kenny sounds like a guy you should throw into the garbage can. too bad we couldn't talk to their ex before we go out with them huh?

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  6. A very good post again, Robyn!

    I love the fact that you went from the wanting the guy to the "why the hell did I love him in the first place"! So true sometimes, even with friends (especially during teenage/young adults years when everyone seems to change!)

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  7. Oh come on, now! You know why you loved him...and you also know why you changed your mind. Wanna confess? I'm a good listener.

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  8. Impressed with how you dealt with all those raw emotions. I hope my candy comment didn't cause this. ; )

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  9. GB, Oh no, I forgot! I was just so shocked. Hmm, I do have an unusual body rash.

    IS, how can corn be wrong? Argh! Thanks for commiserating. Big hugs back to you, girlfriend!

    IT, did you notice if his car registration stickers expired? If so, that was him. Oreos in your trunk? What's your address?

    TS, true, and how many relationships have recycling as their foundation (e.g., all of Brittany Spear's husbands and boyfriends..)?

    Sarah1, I think we're both in the East Bay! We'll have to connect to eat chocolate and gripe about men who should be thrown away.

    Sarah2, cute picture! Thanks for enjoying. I wish I could use youth as an excuse for my stupid decisions with men. Well, I can, but I'd be lying. :)

    Blase, it's not what you think. I know what you think. We all do, babe. I can assure you that aspect of the relationship was wanting, to put it nicely. xo

    Copyboy, what's up with this Jewish guilt over a benign candy comment? Are you kidding? It was your camisole comment that inspired me. I'm grateful! Am I embarrassing you? No worries, it will surely draw folks to your very entertaining blog. xo

    Chocolate kisses to all and a chocolate covered banana to GB,
    Robyn

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  10. Wow! This was great! Hey, you're buds with all my blogging buds! How did I miss you all this time?

    Thanks for following, of course I am now too :)

    Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing

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  11. I missed you too. Thanks Ally! It's never too late to make a new friend in this wonderful blogosphere. :)
    Cheers,
    Robyn

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  12. Wow! What a great post. And what is it with men who think they know all the directions and then drive around in circles for hours?

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  13. Thanks Ca88. Yes, it's more than annoying. We'd get there faster if they'd let us navigate, blindfolded even.
    Cheers,
    Robyn

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  14. Ha! Awesome post

    Doesn't Kenny know that USA Weekly is printed in Cambodia?

    I have to confess I've done the milk carton thing myself, being an eco-bore of long standing. Sorry

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  15. Thanks Ubes. Great, little known fact about USA Weekly. You've done that? In your own home or with your now exes? Perhaps that's why they're now exes. Don't forget to wash your hands afterward (I learned that from GB per above.)
    xoRobyn

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  16. LOL, this reminds me of my F U letter. Good to get it out, huh?

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  17. Kristy, yes. Was holding onto that one for years. Phew.
    Cheers,
    Robyn

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  18. Yep, the Oreos are back there, but I'm going to have to restock the next time I'm at Costco.

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  19. You'll have to re-stock again after I visit the trunk of your car, IT. I'll wear gloves and will definitely not leave crumbs, so you won't know it was me.
    ;-)
    Robyn

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