My Story, Yours Too.

Thursday, September 12, 2019

Santa and Mrs. Claus Open Up (too freely and easily) to PTM!

Dear Sillies, 
   He did it again. Powdered Toast Man (PTM) re-hired me and Alex J. Cavanaugh. PTM, by the way, is one of the most hilarious, zany, nice and naughty bloggers I know. We've been buds for -wow- a full decade. Alex, as you know, is blogland's greatest gift. Alex and I have also been blog friends for nearly 10 years. You can't imagine my excitement when PTM initiated this threesome!
   Plus, PTM is into role playing. I dressed up as Santa, while Alex performed as Mrs. Claus. What ensued was, well, apologies?

PTM: First I will talk to you separately and then bring you back together for a group session. Santa can you take a seat in the waiting room? There are plenty of dirty magazines and assorted donuts. PTMMrs. Claus, how long have you and Santa been married? Mrs. Claus: Fifty-eight years, but don’t ask Mr. Claus. His memory went years ago. He can’t even find the bathroom anymore. Thank goodness for Depends! PTM: A product plug? Didn't know you sponsored stuff. What is the biggest problem in your relationship? Mrs. Claus: I always have to spend Christmas alone. You would think just one time he’d send the elves out and stay home with me. PTM: I never thought of that before, must get so lonely. What is your favorite thing about Santa? Mrs. Claus: He tickles me. I can’t tell you where though. PTM: I would do it too but my lawyers said I am not allowed to tickle guests anymore, not since that incident with Hugh Jackman. How would you describe your sex life? Mrs. Claus: Let’s just say no one’s going up the chimney anymore.
PTM: I wouldn't kick you out of bed. If you were allowed to cheat on Santa with one person, who would that be? Mrs. Claus: The Easter Bunny. His cousin is the Energizer Bunny, you know. PTM: Why not the Energizer Bunny then? The Easter Bunny might be done in 3 minutes. What pet peeve of yours that Santa does drives you the most crazy? Mrs. Claus: When he gets the reindeer games confused with hunting season. Poor little dears. We had to get all new reindeer last year. PTM: That must be tough trying to find more magic reindeer. Why no children? And don't give me that bullshit that the elves are your children. Mrs. Claus: Santa brought one home one year. Little fella kept running away, screaming ‘You’re not my real father. I’ll never rule the North Pole with you!’ I think a polar bear finally got him.PTM: Poor little Timmy. What is a secret that the big guy doesn't know? Mrs. Claus: Gary the elf down in shipping and I have had a thing going on for years now… PTM: Would you ever have a 3-way with Betty White? Mrs. Claus: I’m not that kind of woman, but if it would entice the mister into some fun, I’d be willing to try. PTM: That's hot. Do you find me attractive? Mrs. Claus: Actually, with that little toast head, you look scrumptious and good enough to eat! PTM: I'm curious to find out if Santa will answer the same way. You can head back to the waiting room, Mrs. Claus. Send Santa in please. 
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PTM: Santa, how long have you and Mrs. Claus been married? Santa: Three or fivehiccuplonger than I’ve been gettin’ sloshed on Jameson. Tosses empty whisky bottle. It hits Mrs. Claus’ tuchas as she’s, uh, tending to the elves. PTM: What is the biggest problem in your relationship? Santa: That right there. Points at her. She spends gobs of time with the elves. Man’s got needs! PTM: You should talk to Gary in shipping. What is your favorite thing about Mrs. Claus? Santa:  She puts on these fuchsia nip tassels. That’s when I got yer North Pole right here, ya know? Santa points at his growin’ groin. PTM: That's an impressive pole you got there. How would you describe your sex life? Santa: It’s like a bipolar bear. When it happens twice a year (International Hot Dog Day and Yom Kippur), it’s like a flea market gorge fest. Belch. PTM: Too bad she can only fit one wiener in her mouth on International Hot Dog Day. If you were allowed to cheat on your wife with one person, who would that be? Santa: She’s a little thick and tacky, but I’d take Robyn for a spin any time of year. I hear they’re real too.PTM: You must mean Rawkn Robyn from Life By Chocolate. Nice choice and I knew they were real!! What pet peeve of yours that Mrs. Claus does drives you the most crazy? Santa: She measures me when I get out of the shower. PTM: I see. Related question, why no children? And don't give me that bullshit that the elves are your children. Santa: Look at her! I don’t want STDs. I use protection. Same ribbed condom’s been working for centuries. PTM: Mrs. Claus has a different story but okay. What is a secret that the Mrs. doesn't know? Santa: She has no idea how much Rudolph and I love to go riding...Got a cigarette? PTM: I can see that happening. Reindeer are kinda sexy. Would you ever have a 3-way with Betty White? Santa: If she’ll pole dance in the raw with fuchsia nip tassels, sure. PTM: I will give her people a call after the show and ask. Do you find me attractive? Santa: I’ve noticed your nice, tight tuchas. I’d like to *bleeeeeeep* you.PTM: Santa you are a dirty Sonuvabitch. I love it!! Now go grab your wife so I can talk to you both.
~~~A knockoff version of Jeopardy theme song plays~~~

PTM: For the sake of privacy and that oath I took, I'm not going to reveal what each of you said. I hope you understand.Santa: Not another pregnancy scare? Mrs. Claus: You’re a sweet toast boy – I knew we could trust you. PTM: Santa, lay off the drugs. Mrs. Claus, thank you. Now, is there anything you want to say to each other? Santa: I just wish you'd wear those fuchsia nip tassels once more for me. Mrs. Claus: Two days a year? Have you ever asked me on Easter? May Day? I’ll show you some pole dancing. PTM: I can understand how you both feel. Nipple tassels are the shit. What is one thing you wish the other would do more of? Santa: Wear the fuchsia nip tassels! Mrs. Claus: Bring me more gifts. The kids get everything. Even if he just wrapped that hot dog of his in a bow, I’d take it. PTM: Very sexual answers, we are definitely getting somewhere. What is your biggest fear? Santa: When I can no longer go South. Mrs. Claus: One day I’ll measure him and won’t find anything there. PTM: One more question. Can you see my nipples through this shirt?Santa: Can you see my pole through this sack? Santa grabs his crotch. Mrs. Claus: You must be chilly! I can’t see anything in your pants, either.
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PTM: After all this, I have a solution. You both need to wear fuchsia nipple tassels. I called Betty White's people. She is down for the threesome but wants to make it a foursome. Apparently she loves toast, if you know what I mean. Santa: Now we're talkin'! It's gonna be a White Christmas even before Yom Kippur! Mrs. Claus: Break out the butter! PTM: We are meeting her in 20 minutes, let's go!!
 
   This extremely wacky, embarrassingly twisted post is also at PTM's page here.  If you're not following him, you're missing out on the funnest distraction from all things not-so-fun. 
   Thank you, Alex and PTM. I love you guys in the I-might-consider-wearing-fuchsia-nip-tassels-if-you-weren't-married kinda way. 

 Take gentle care and keep a smile, Dear Sillies.

42 comments:

  1. Fuchsia-nip-tassels? Ok, but where is the chocolate. Never mind the coke, things go better (and smoother) with chocolate.

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    Replies
    1. Good point, EC. Dang - Santa must've been really sloshed to have forgotten about chocolate. As for the Mrs.? Maybe the elves provide all the chocolate and treats she needs.

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  2. Now I'm wondering if you can twirl the nip tassels in opposite directions. Sigh. I'll probably never know.

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    Replies
    1. I'm just trying to get them to twirl, Jono. This takes a very high level of expertise. I'll keep you posted. Smiles.

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  3. We ended up playing well off each other.

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    Replies
    1. We do play nice and naughty as a threesome, Alex.
      Thank you!

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  4. I did read this on PTM's blog. Oh so funny and naughty and nice. I said y'all are quite the threesome. If Betty White would join in, oh my. Your blog would get a new rating.
    Keep laughing my friend and have a great weekend

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, sweet lady.
      You keep a smile over there too, and stay cool.

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  5. I also read it on PTm's site - very funny.

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  6. It is getting darn close to Christmas. I wonder if Santa and Mrs. are having some real divorce issues.

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    Replies
    1. It's a wonder they're still an item, right?

      Have a nice weekend, Susan.

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  7. I've never had a job that good.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. The benefits are up the chimney and through the roof, JJ.

      Love.

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  8. Hi, I follow you on gfc #669, follow back? ;)

    https://bubasworld.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, okay, but no advertising and I won't marry you or give you my credit card info, okay, Buba?

      Delete
  9. I think many a nipple is gonna be sore, or at least a few.

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  10. I broke down and bought some nipple tassles.

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    Replies
    1. Proof! We must see the photographic evidence, PTM.

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    2. I only have Polaroids and they are still drying.

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  11. I am intrigued at the notion of fuchsia nip tassels.

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  12. Replies
    1. Try ebay. You'll get the most bang for your buck when you purchase them used, Al. I mean, a friend told me so.

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  13. Santa confusing reindeer games with hunting season. That and more in the Mrs. Clause tell all coming soon!

    Very funny guys. What a great trio!

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    Replies
    1. This couple needs some work, but that trio - whoosh. Talk about troubled.

      Thanks, Elizabeth. It was crazy fun.

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  14. If I find them, should I wear them at work?

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    Replies
    1. Naturally, Al. Just bring a spare tube of super glue. Around toilets, they tend to loosen up and hang low.

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  15. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  16. Fuchsia-nip-tassels? Lordy, need to get that picture out of mind as I see people posting Christmas pictures already. Thanks for fun.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not an appropriate Christmas image, is it? Oops.
      Smiles.

      Delete
  17. The reindeers asked me to thank you reprobates for significantly lightening Santa’s sled this year...

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    Replies
    1. Please tell them "You're welcome" and give Rudolph my love (but only insofar as you are comfortable, Sage. =))

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  18. Why Fuschia? That is so sacriligeous. A traditional Xmas is supposed to be all about green and red nipple tassels. Maybe artfully draped silver tinsel could be allowed. But that is all. Cheers!

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    Replies
    1. Haha. I really messed that one up, didn't I? Thing is, Margaret, I was drawn to my fuschia nip tassels prior to a Hanukah party circa 1998. I haven't parted with them since.

      Be well.

      Delete
  19. Santa in September? He keeps coming earlier and earlier.

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