Santa and Mrs. Claus Open Up (too freely and easily) to PTM!

Dear Sillies, 
   He did it again. Powdered Toast Man (PTM) re-hired me and Alex J. Cavanaugh. PTM, by the way, is one of the most hilarious, zany, nice and naughty bloggers I know. We've been buds for -wow- a full decade. Alex, as you know, is blogland's greatest gift. Alex and I have also been blog friends for nearly 10 years. You can't imagine my excitement when PTM initiated this threesome!
   Plus, PTM is into role playing. I dressed up as Santa, while Alex performed as Mrs. Claus. What ensued was, well, apologies?

PTM: First I will talk to you separately and then bring you back together for a group session. Santa can you take a seat in the waiting room? There are plenty of dirty magazines and assorted donuts. PTM: Mrs. Claus, how long have you and Santa been married? Mrs. Claus: Fifty-eight years, but don’t ask Mr. Claus. His memory went years ago. He can’t even find the bathroom anymore. Thank goodness for Depends! PTM: A product plug? Didn't know you sponsored stuff. What is the biggest problem in your relationship? Mrs. Claus: I always have to spend Christmas alone. You would think just one time he’d send the elves out and stay home with me. PTM: I never thought of that before, must get so lonely. What is your favorite thing about Santa? Mrs. Claus: He tickles me. I can’t tell you where though. PTM: I would do it too but my lawyers said I am not allowed to tickle guests anymore, not since that incident with Hugh Jackman. How would you describe your sex life? Mrs. Claus: Let’s just say no one’s going up the chimney anymore.

PTM: I wouldn't kick you out of bed. If you were allowed to cheat on Santa with one person, who would that be? Mrs. Claus: The Easter Bunny. His cousin is the Energizer Bunny, you know. PTM: Why not the Energizer Bunny then? The Easter Bunny might be done in 3 minutes. What pet peeve of yours that Santa does drives you the most crazy? Mrs. Claus: When he gets the reindeer games confused with hunting season. Poor little dears. We had to get all new reindeer last year. PTM: That must be tough trying to find more magic reindeer. Why no children? And don't give me that bullshit that the elves are your children. Mrs. Claus: Santa brought one home one year. Little fella kept running away, screaming ‘You’re not my real father. I’ll never rule the North Pole with you!’ I think a polar bear finally got him.PTM: Poor little Timmy. What is a secret that the big guy doesn't know? Mrs. Claus: Gary the elf down in shipping and I have had a thing going on for years now… PTM: Would you ever have a 3-way with Betty White? Mrs. Claus: I’m not that kind of woman, but if it would entice the mister into some fun, I’d be willing to try. PTM: That's hot. Do you find me attractive? Mrs. Claus: Actually, with that little toast head, you look scrumptious and good enough to eat! PTM: I'm curious to find out if Santa will answer the same way. You can head back to the waiting room, Mrs. Claus. Send Santa in please. 

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PTM: Santa, how long have you and Mrs. Claus been married? Santa: Three or five–hiccup—longer than I’ve been gettin’ sloshed on Jameson. Tosses empty whisky bottle. It hits Mrs. Claus’ tuchas as she’s, uh, tending to the elves. PTM: What is the biggest problem in your relationship? Santa: That right there. Points at her. She spends gobs of time with the elves. Man’s got needs! PTM: You should talk to Gary in shipping. What is your favorite thing about Mrs. Claus? Santa:  She puts on these fuchsia nip tassels. That’s when I got yer North Pole right here, ya know? Santa points at his growin’ groin. PTM: That's an impressive pole you got there. How would you describe your sex life? Santa: It’s like a bipolar bear. When it happens twice a year (International Hot Dog Day and Yom Kippur), it’s like a flea market gorge fest. Belch. PTM: Too bad she can only fit one wiener in her mouth on International Hot Dog Day. If you were allowed to cheat on your wife with one person, who would that be? Santa: She’s a little thick and tacky, but I’d take Robyn for a spin any time of year. I hear they’re real too.PTM: You must mean Rawkn Robyn from Life By Chocolate. Nice choice and I knew they were real!! What pet peeve of yours that Mrs. Claus does drives you the most crazy? Santa: She measures me when I get out of the shower. PTM: I see. Related question, why no children? And don't give me that bullshit that the elves are your children. Santa: Look at her! I don’t want STDs. I use protection. Same ribbed condom’s been working for centuries. PTM: Mrs. Claus has a different story but okay. What is a secret that the Mrs. doesn't know? Santa: She has no idea how much Rudolph and I love to go riding...Got a cigarette? PTM: I can see that happening. Reindeer are kinda sexy. Would you ever have a 3-way with Betty White? Santa: If she’ll pole dance in the raw with fuchsia nip tassels, sure. PTM: I will give her people a call after the show and ask. Do you find me attractive? Santa: I’ve noticed your nice, tight tuchas. I’d like to *bleeeeeeep* you.PTM: Santa you are a dirty Sonuvabitch. I love it!! Now go grab your wife so I can talk to you both.

~~~A knockoff version of Jeopardy theme song plays~~~

PTM: For the sake of privacy and that oath I took, I'm not going to reveal what each of you said. I hope you understand.Santa: Not another pregnancy scare? Mrs. Claus: You’re a sweet toast boy – I knew we could trust you. PTM: Santa, lay off the drugs. Mrs. Claus, thank you. Now, is there anything you want to say to each other? Santa: I just wish you'd wear those fuchsia nip tassels once more for me. Mrs. Claus: Two days a year? Have you ever asked me on Easter? May Day? I’ll show you some pole dancing. PTM: I can understand how you both feel. Nipple tassels are the shit. What is one thing you wish the other would do more of? Santa: Wear the fuchsia nip tassels! Mrs. Claus: Bring me more gifts. The kids get everything. Even if he just wrapped that hot dog of his in a bow, I’d take it. PTM: Very sexual answers, we are definitely getting somewhere. What is your biggest fear? Santa: When I can no longer go South. Mrs. Claus: One day I’ll measure him and won’t find anything there. PTM: One more question. Can you see my nipples through this shirt?Santa: Can you see my pole through this sack? Santa grabs his crotch. Mrs. Claus: You must be chilly! I can’t see anything in your pants, either.

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PTM: After all this, I have a solution. You both need to wear fuchsia nipple tassels. I called Betty White's people. She is down for the threesome but wants to make it a foursome. Apparently she loves toast, if you know what I mean. Santa: Now we're talkin'! It's gonna be a White Christmas even before Yom Kippur! Mrs. Claus: Break out the butter! PTM: We are meeting her in 20 minutes, let's go!!

 

   This extremely wacky, embarrassingly twisted post is also at PTM's page here.  If you're not following him, you're missing out on the funnest distraction from all things not-so-fun. 

   Thank you, Alex and PTM. I love you guys in the I-might-consider-wearing-fuchsia-nip-tassels-if-you-weren't-married kinda way. 

 Take gentle care and keep a smile, Dear Sillies.