My Story, Yours Too.

Monday, January 8, 2018

Revival of Reasons for Celibacy! Reasons one through five

Dear Sillies,
   Nearly eight years ago, Life by Chocolate created a flimsy stage and quiet but sassy home here. For most of this time, I was (and perhaps am - to be revealed) celibate. Of all my blog series', this one, Reasons for Celibacy, was far and away the most popular. Your comments have had me in stitches too.
   In recent years, though, some key dating sites --for example, a "fishy" one-- stopped allowing free searches. You have to set up an account. Seems they were onto me. Thus, I ran out of new stuff and stopped posting.
   Yet there's too much good material here, right? Hundreds of reasons for a sweet, smart gal like me to choose celibacy. And very few of you graced our studio in days of ole. Even if you remember some of these, I'm hopeful their value hasn't diminished in time. Please, my friends, enjoy this long overdue Revival of my Reasons for Celibacy.
   Note: These are actual on-line dating ads or scraps thereof, combined with my actual snark (bold italics).

REASON #1: Note the specific categories to which this guy responded, because he clearly did not.

MY ETHNICITY: I feel like u should treat somebody with respect and like they are a person not a peice of meat or whatever. I am the type of person who wants somebody to feel wanted not just as a trophy. Sounds like you’re one of those misunderstood mutts who has to check the “Other” box a lot. I know your pain.
MY RELIGION: I am a very affectionate person and I love to cuddle, I like to show somebody how I feel not just telling them Are you trying to say that you're a Mormon?

MY PETS: I consider myself to be very simple. I see this. I believe that women needs to be treated with respect and as a equal partner in a relationship, but all I seem to find is the ones that does not know how to respond to that or is untrusting to it. Honey, that's likely because you consider ‘a women a equal’ to your pets. Do you serve them cat food in a bowl, or do they eat it straight from a can?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REASON #2: A man that will stick to the oath of for better for worse and till death do us part i am not saying i am looking for a perfect man but the right man . I don’t know if you skipped Sex Ed. Day in 5th grade, but you do know that you are listed as a man seeking a woman. Right? There's nothing wrong with any of it, except that you clearly copied and pasted a woman's ad without even reading it. The more I communicate with you, the more fascinated I am becoming. I am very definitely interested. We are very definitely at a very early stage of a relationship Whoa dude. Now, you're creeping me out. I didn’t correspond at all. In fact, I’m avoiding any interaction, because you are a lazy weirdo. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REASON #3: I am a firm believer of freewill. Freewill? Isn’t that the movie about a boy who falls in love with a killer whale? Cool, I believe in that stuff too! I must connect with persons who also believe in solid freewill. Oh, “solid freewill.” The whale’s pretty burly. Is that what you mean? I mean freewill Yeah, I got that much; of choice with no regrets, Hmm just understanding about life’s gifts and lessons. Enjoy every moment possible for tomorrow may bring the end of those moments Not good. A sobering thought. which is fine when you appreciate the time spent with another. The future will always come to give us a hopeful interest and enlighten our lives. How does that work, if tomorrow may be the end? This is why I respect others and pay attention to each person’s character, which I may fully connect with the ones they and I choose to connect with in a mind, physical and emotion relationship. This freewill stuff doesn't work for me. I think the Director had a different tone in mind. Excuse me while I ride my solid freewill outta here in search of Moby Dick or something that pleasures me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REASON #4: I have a mother so, you don’t try to do my chores and I will make the effort to view your comments about your life as an expression, as such I will try not to see them as problems to fix. Deal?! Who could refuse such a warmhearted deal? Tell you what, sweetie, what you and mommy do together isn't my business. Deal!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REASON #5: Just to be completely open, anyone who claims to be a Liberal should just pass me by. I'm only interested in women who can actually think for themselves, so therefore they cannot be a Liberal. Just to be completely open, my brain cells are simmering right now. I think I'm having a thought. Wait! Here it is: You are single for good, good reason, sir. I thought up that one all by myself.

41 comments:

  1. I shudder at the thought that Trump was trying to find different ways to connect with a woman. How amazing you fund all his tries

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    1. Especially the one about being anti-Liberal, Birgit. Yeah, that's not obviously him.
      Smiles. Shudders. Sighs.

      Delete
  2. Geez that last one could've been written by my hubby. He hates liberals cause they can't think for themselves. lol

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    1. We do lack the ability to complete a coherent...everybody Wang Chung tonight!

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  3. The Classics never grow old! Moby Dick! I meant Moby Dick!

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  4. Sigh.
    And literacy isn't high on their agenda either. I do hope this is the narrow end of the gene pool, but worry.

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    1. They can't spell it, so they have no interest, EC.
      I'm unsure how there can be so many narrow ends to the gene pool. Does it have a bottom? The world may never know.

      Delete
  5. Funny stuff; even funnier because it's real!!

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    1. Funnier and yet more disturbing.
      Thanks, fishducky.

      Delete
  6. Amusing and thought-provoking post. #5 frightens me most, Robyn: "Just to be completely open, anyone who claims to be a Liberal should just pass me by." I'm afraid the current administration might have it incorporated into our national anthem.

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    1. Suddenly, all "libtards" will be taking a knee, Geo. Because we can't have original, complete...adventures waiting just ahead! Go, Speed Racer! Go, Speed Racer! Go, Speed Raaaa-cer, go-oooooo!

      Delete
  7. Gotta love those obvious copy and pasters. Free Will sounds like he needs a soapbox, as does the last idiot. But number four you could live with in his Mommy's basement. Maybe even rent free. Score!

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    1. Do you think there might be chocolate in it, Pat?

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  8. Sometimes, I start to think that there's hope for humanity, that we are largely made up of well-meaning, reasonable people. Then I read these posts of yours and I remember that, and men in particular, are a self-serving, delusional organism, generally incapable of empathy or seeing outside of their own perspective. I mean, this grouping is so busy up their own ass that it's befuddling they can't see how full of shit they each are. Thank you for restoring my cynicism.

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    1. You made me laugh. I'm optimistic I'll be able to renew your cynicism whenever needed, PVP. It's a noble cause, and someone needs to do it.

      Delete
  9. I think you should set up a fake account just to access more of this comedy. Heck, I might set one up myself. Of course I would have to claim to be a woman, find a fake picture, and then wait for the fun to start. It could keep me entertained for years! I can't wait for someone to say, "You are my density."

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    1. Oh yeah, that density line - swoon. Keep us all posted on your responses, please.

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  10. I think the first one just opens the cat food bag and lets her have at it.
    Fourth one is really confused. Beyond the mother issues.
    Glad you are bringing this back, Robyn!

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    1. Haha. Yeah, good point about the first one letting her have at it, Alex. As if he'd invest in any efforts otherwise.
      Thank you for your ongoing support.

      Delete
  11. Yikes! Those without a basic knowledge of how to read, write, and follow directions really ought to avoid the dating sites. It's easy to see why these guys are single. The "Pets" section! Hahaha! :-)

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    1. I wonder how he treats his female vs male pets. It's curious, isn't it?
      Thanks for laughing at these duds with me, Connie.

      Delete
  12. Classic revival of hilarity is a plus. Free willy, indeed! Love the pic too. Number 5 - arrggghhh. Some people.
    Thanks for a Tuesday tee hee.

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    1. Anytime, Joanne. Always glad to mock the moronic.
      Hope you're doing well.

      Delete
  13. I bet the third guy thinks he's a writer. Watch out for those. Writers are flaky people. LOL

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    1. Arrogant nerds too. I don't mind the nerdy part, but arrogant? Ain't nobody got time for that. Right, Diane?

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  14. Oh, jeez. Very, very strong arguments for celibacy. And maybe even sterilization.

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    1. Lol. Sterilization. Yes! I'll start the campaign here. Thanks, Mitchell.

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  15. Hey Robyn,

    Excellent stuff, my lovely friend. You keep those brain cells simmering so I can delight in your cleverly entertaining posts.

    My last two brain cells are having an argument and thus, alas, I must head back to England....

    Gary :)

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    1. Oh, they can take a nap through these, Gary. No brain cells are involved in this post. They're not even allowed in the greater area.

      Rock on, my friend.

      Delete
  16. This is my most favorite feature that you do. I love the snark and those lines are so bad. Please tell me they never work on ANY women.

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    1. Cal! You're back. Now it really feels like the good ole days. I dunno. Are there women that stupid who are looking to mate? Snooky's married, right?

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  17. I think reason number two made me laugh the most. It's the whole "Yep, I'm listening." "Yep, I hear what you're saying and I understand." When clearly they have one thing on their mind. So sad.

    Have a beachy week!
    Elsie

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    1. But he's definitely fascinated by me, Elsie. Oh, wait. I fell for it again. Didn't I?
      Love ya.

      Delete
  18. Your snark is hilarious! After reading these, I think celibacy is the way to go.

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    1. These men don't know the effect they have on women.

      Thanks, Sherry.

      Delete
  19. Oh Robyn, I’d so serve up a can of cat food on China... And for a man to plagiarize the wrong sex, what’s wrong with the world? And that last one... Rush Limbaugh must be popping Viraga again.

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    1. That explains it, Sage - Rush got his annual prescription refilled. Of course. Thank you.

      You'd use your finest China too, wouldn't you, Sage? I was certain you're a gentleman.

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    1. Thank you. No, I won't delete you. I'll delete mean comments about my friends, but I'm pretty sure Al Penwasser knows that he's in the mix with a bunch of bozos. I hope you'll keep visiting.

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