Sunday, January 31, 2016

Reasons for Celibacy #376 -383: Lord's Pick // Giveaway Announcement!

And now, onto reasons number 376 through 383 for a straight single gal to avoid the dating swamps in favor of eternal celibacy. These ads represent the options. It doesn't get much worse. And yet, neither does it get much better. As usual, what's bolded is lifted directly from on-line dating forums.
My snarky comments follow. Please enjoy...from afar.
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REASON #376: HelloAsk me a thing you want
Okay, will you give me a nice, big, dark man or piece of chocolate?

REASON #377: You Down Enuff??? 
Any further down, sweetie, and I’ll see the Earth’s core or Uranus.

My favorite of this bunch:
REASON #378: I want the Lord pick the girl for me! 
Honey, the Lord undoubtedly has a high-speed Wifi connection, but I’m guessing the Almighty ain’t reading this ad.  Try increasing the font and see if that works!

REASON #379: looking for a fun girl country or other 
Well, “other” leaves the field wide open, so that’s a good strategy. As far as “fun girl country,” I’m thinking you’d do best to stick with the free world: US, Canada, or a Chippendales bachelorette party in the Swiss Alps.

REASON #380: Humble with a hint of Kanye
Dude, that’s like saying anorexic with a hint of Oprah, or civilized with a hint of Trump, or sexually desirable with a hint of Martha Stewart. It just doesn’t work.

REASON #381: i do not get the meet me,send mesge
i do not get it either, babe.

REASON #382: don't look to hard
Alas, that’s what I’ve been doing wrong! Whenever I look to hard, it goes soft. Thank you! You’re a genius!

REASON #383: Essentially Male
Does this mean you are marginally, practically, or secretly Female? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, sweetheart. We're all on the spectrum.
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Keep a smile, my friends, as we enter a new month.

In February, our staff and crew like to collect as much Valentine's Hate as we're able. So we're sponsoring our annual Hate Love Sweet Package GIVEAWAY! The next string of posts will be dedicated to the GIVEAWAY.  Winner will receive a generous package of sweetness.

Rules: (1) Be a follower --of my blog, that is. (2) For the next week or so (I'll announce that here) submit in the comments section your best and most humorous hateful Valentine's message in UP TO AND NOT MORE THAN 50 WORDS. Flattery works for me, so don't hold back, BUT I'll put it up to public vote. I'll make the deciding vote, if needed. It's kinda your standard cooperative communistic dictatorship. Wink. (You like that, CW?) 

Ready, set, go!
Can't wait to read your entries.

Take care, dear sillies.

85 comments:

  1. Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    Uranus makes me laugh
    You too?

    Oh, wait, that didn't sound right.
    BTW, this is NOT my entry. I'll need to ponder.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wonder how many of your entries will have Uranus in it, Al. Oh no, I should not encourage you. And when I read your poem I thought - oops, I didn't limit number of entries. But bring 'em on. Uranus and all! Don't hold back!

      Delete
  2. A dark man or piece of chocolate? Oh, my....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I should've put those in the reverse order. Oh, well.

      Delete
  3. I hope the Lord sends him a 5th grade English book. Learn how to formulate a coherent sentence first, then we'll talk about a serious, lifelong relationship.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I might be doing him a favor by posting it, thereby increasing the chances that the good Lord will have mercy and meet his many needs.

      Delete
  4. Kanye.......on noye.........seriously. Pickens are slim my friend. It's good you are a confident fabulous woman. Wish I could offer better in TX than CA.......but no......oh my.
    Kan - no, hello no

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL. hello no on noye damn Kanye!
      Thank you, Joanne.

      Delete
  5. How's this?

    You love me.
    I love me.
    Isn't it nice that we have something in common?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like it, Fishducky. Plus, you're the first to enter. It's good to have that kind of love in common too. I'm on the lookout myself.
      Smiles.

      Delete
  6. Surrounded by men who believe that they could get knotted, this Valentines Day I may take up macrame.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're so clever, EC. I'll take this as your entry, yes?
      Just don't get tangled up with any of these dweebs.

      Delete
  7. I just can't stop laughing! Oh my gos so funny, Robyn!
    Here's my entry: Dear Cupid, you're stupid. Just die but don't forget my chocolate. Love, me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's perfect, Yvonne. You said it all in only 13 words. Well done!

      Delete
  8. #378 might be better if it were a complete sentence. Here's my entry: Fuck everybody.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha. Janie, you always make me laugh. The funniest part too, is often the fact that you simply end with "Love, Janie." You're the best.

      Delete
  9. Your favourite should have written: "I want Jack Lord to pick the girl for me". OK he's dead, but wouldn't you trust him on dating advice?

    I'm noticing a Uranus theme in your musings, Robyn. I hope you're not thinking of exploring the dark planet. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no, GB. Thank you for your concern. It's just that CW and Al Penwasser like jokes about Uranus. As do I. I'll leave the exploration to others, though.

      Delete
  10. We need to set up the hermaphrodite in #383 with #379 who sounds like he doesn't care if he's set up with an animal, vegetable or mineral.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good idea. I do want to play matchmaker like that some times.

      Delete
  11. My favorite was the Kayne one...and your responses to it. Yeah, he's just so very humble. As humble as Trump's tan is real.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, right? That mofo is orange. Bright ORANGE! Nothing's natural about that color.

      Delete
  12. Oh boy, I look forward to these, even though they make me cringe.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Too bad the lord isn't checking their grammar.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The lord might bless them with Hooked on Phonics if He did.

      Delete
  14. I'm guessing those eHarmony claims of most marriages is probably 1% of their total clientele. What a bunch of boobs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't hear good things about eHarmony, but that one is the most rigorous dating site out there, from what I hear. They all claim big successes. It's hard to believe when, yeah, they're a bunch of boobs.

      Delete
  15. No, you don't want to see Uranus!
    Humble and Kanye should never be used in the same paragraph, let alone sentence.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True, Alex. In fact, Kanye should never have been on planet Earth.

      Delete
  16. So does he want girls in the girl country or just whatever he sees first? Maybe the good Lord is too busy helping him to help the poor grammar dude.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Your answer to "humble with a hint of Kanye" is INSPIRED! Love it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why thank you, Debra. That one seemed to be the highlight (or lowlight). Smiles.

      Delete
  18. I love when you do these "reasons" posts. Seriously funny!!! I am always amazed at what people write on these types of sites. It's more than the poor grammar. It's more about how convoluted their thinking is.

    Such as the case of wanting a humble with a hint of Kanye. What the hell does that look like? Loved your comment on that one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Cheryl. That man couldn't hint at anything if he tried. He doesn't even know what the word means. I bet he's a Trump supporter too.

      Delete
  19. "Whenever I look to hard, it goes soft." Everyone looked my way when I read that. Must've made some kind of snort or something.
    Nothing says, "Be mine" like a new vacuum cleaner! I'll try to work up some verse to say how I really feel.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Clearly everyone around you was not reading my blog. What's wrong with those people? I'm looking forward to your entry, Jono.

      Delete
  20. This is where I wish you had comments in the separate window so I didn't have to scroll back and forth...

    376- how about a big chocolate bunny, recarved in such a way as to resemble a man?

    377- More Uranus jokes? Oy!

    379- If you find that fun girl country, let me know. I'll move if it's legit!

    380- What? You nailed that one...

    381- How did this dude fill out the questionaire- and how did they read it if he did?

    382- You nailed that one even better! I hope you replied to him with that!

    383- Y'know, I do a lot of surveys, and I never have seen an "other" box under "Male" and "female".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm going to check with you, when I can't think of a response. You're so quick witted, CW. I've never seen an "other" box either, and I've lived in some liberal places. Nor have I seen "Essentially Male."

      Delete
    2. Um, both? J/K. It's dim. I mean quick. Quick witted, my decent redneck friend. You're very quick witted. =)

      Delete
  21. Now I'm sitting here in the kitchen wondering if I've ever been down enuff and I don't know what it is. Can we expect this sort of ambiguous language to appear on lipid panels in future diagnostic centers? Ballots? Report cards? I feel so old!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me too, Geo. The amount of ads in search of a down womEn is appalling too. I'm kinda glad, though, that the stigma around depression seems to be lifting.

      Delete
  22. Hi Robyn! Those were all good...
    I'm going to think up an entry for your contest.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great, Pat. It's good to see you. Always. I hope you're well. I look forward to your entry!

      Delete
  23. As always, I can't believe these are real. I'm not calling you a liar, I'm calling these lunatics incredibly oblivious. Oh how nice it must be to lack all sense of self-awareness.
    Lo I shall not win said contest as I shall not bad mouth Valentine's Day. I love Valentine's Day and I love love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I still love you even though you love love, PVP.

      Delete
  24. If there is a girl country, I wonder if there's also a man country?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wouldn't want to go anywhere near that man country - imagine the smell and the amount of dirty laundry.
      Smiles.

      Delete
  25. I am bending down and kissing the ground in thanks that I don't have to deal with these idiots! Be it Match . com, eHarmony or Plenty of Fish, they're everywhere!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And they seem to keep breeding too. Help us all!

      Delete
  26. Hi human, Robyn,

    Good thing that I'm not into time because if I was, I'd tell you I'm leaving you a comment at gone three in the morning. Arf!

    Ah yes, speaking of Kanye, that egotistical buffoon, headlined Glastonbury over here in England. He was total crap!

    Valentine's Day is a load of bollocks! Of course, in my human's case, the postal service has several truckloads of mail from all his adoring female fans on that pawticular day! Of course he does!

    Pawsitive wishes and doggy kisses,

    Penny xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I imagine your hot, gorgeous, sought after human is flooded with Valentine's gifts, cards, and proposals on V-Day. Don't eat his chocolates, though. They might kill you. And I'm hoping to snag some when he's looking the other way.

      Hugs and cheer to you and your human.

      Delete
  27. Another great group of guys! All they need is the love of a good wumon. Looking forward to seeing your anti-Valentine's Day entrees. It wasn't the same last year without them.

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So nice of you to remember, Julie. I didn't even remember that I'd skipped this last year. I think I was fairly depressed at that time. I'm glad to say that I'm excited to bring it back, and I hope you'll enter.

      Delete
  28. And these folks are also voters... I wonder how many are from Iowa?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One does wonder, and they thought Iowa hosted the first "cock us."

      Delete
  29. So funny, and yet, it's our world. Gotta laugh where you can.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Humble with a hint of Kanye--Bwahahaha! I'll have to give some thought to the Valentine's Day hate. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great. I look forward to your entry, Connie. Thank you.

      Delete
  31. There just never seems to be a lack of stupid people needing dates.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL. Thank you, Ruth, for the laugh and for speaking the truth!

      Delete
  32. I wish some of these guys would just say what actually mean. "Looking for some fun country girl or other." Well, we all know that the dimwit thinks fun, country girl means one night stand who can't figure out how to use her phone to try and seriously date. Fun = easy. Country girl = dumber than me. Other = one night stand. No strings. Got it. That should ad should read, "Looking For One Night Stand with Female. Any Female. Don't expect dinner or me to pay for your cab ride home. This guy's cheap, but horny."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're spot-on with this translation, Robin. I love it. I am laughing heartily too. Thank you!

      Delete
  33. Oh my-A hint of Kanye? I think I would rather have a scent of Uranus-ick. You made me laugh with your responses. Most need to go back to school and learn the basics...sadly they may all have jobs in the government

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha, I probably should scale back on the icky Uranus stuff. But it's too fun.

      Delete
  34. *Snort* your comment to #382 made my day. :-P

    ReplyDelete
  35. Mmmm, here's an idea, how about a big, dark man of chocolate! Awesome! How your beef cake, and eat him too!

    Brilliant as always Robyn.. especially love 381 - I almost feel sorry for him! haha classic

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do sometimes feel sorry for these guys, Anthony, but not 381. Haha.
      Thank you.
      And yes to your idea. xo

      Delete
  36. Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    Me with no skivvies?
    PU

    ReplyDelete
  37. A Valentine Haiku
    (Assuming 'chocolate' has only two syllables, instead of three. I mean, what kinda freak says, 'Choc-o-lates'?)

    Dozen red roses
    Box of milk and dark chocolates
    Just me and my hand

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my, I resemble this haiku. Oy vey!
      Thank you, Al. I'm dying from laughter over here.

      Delete
  38. Heard about your book. Downloaded your book. Read your book. Loved your book.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HipHipHOoray!!! I just got really excited! Thank you, Wilma. It's much appreciated.

      Delete
  39. A hint of Kanye or essentially male? Both cracked me up.

    Love is in the air. Be sure to wear a mask.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And when worded that way, it's even better: a hit of Kanye OR essentially male. Haha.
      Thanks, Elizabeth.
      I like your to-the-point entry too. =)

      Delete
  40. Oh my gosh, your responses to #380 were hilarious! Well, they all were, but that was my favorite. :)

    ReplyDelete