My snarky comments follow. Please enjoy...from afar.
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REASON #376: HelloAsk me a thing you want
Okay, will you give me a nice, big, dark man or piece of chocolate?
REASON #377: You
Down Enuff???
Any
further down, sweetie, and I’ll see the Earth’s core or Uranus.
My favorite of this bunch:
REASON #378: I
want the Lord pick the girl for me!
Honey,
the Lord undoubtedly has a high-speed Wifi connection, but I’m guessing the
Almighty ain’t reading this ad. Try increasing the
font and see if that works!
REASON #379: looking
for a fun girl country or other
Well,
“other” leaves the field wide open, so that’s a good strategy. As far as “fun
girl country,” I’m thinking you’d do best to stick with the free world: US,
Canada, or a Chippendales bachelorette party in the Swiss Alps.
REASON #380: Humble
with a hint of Kanye
Dude,
that’s like saying anorexic with a hint of Oprah, or civilized with a hint of
Trump, or sexually desirable with a hint of Martha Stewart. It just doesn’t work.
REASON #381: i
do not get the meet me,send mesge
i
do not get it either, babe.
REASON #382: don't
look to hard
Alas,
that’s what I’ve been doing wrong! Whenever I look to hard, it goes soft. Thank
you! You’re a genius!
REASON #383: Essentially
Male
Does
this mean you are marginally, practically, or secretly Female? Not that there’s
anything wrong with that, sweetheart. We're all on the spectrum.
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Keep a smile, my friends, as we enter a new month.
In February, our staff and crew like to collect as much Valentine's Hate as we're able. So we're sponsoring our annual Hate Love Sweet Package GIVEAWAY! The next string of posts will be dedicated to the GIVEAWAY. Winner will receive a generous package of sweetness.
Rules: (1) Be a follower --of my blog, that is. (2) For the next week or so (I'll announce that here) submit in the comments section your best and most humorous hateful Valentine's message in UP TO AND NOT MORE THAN 50 WORDS. Flattery works for me, so don't hold back, BUT I'll put it up to public vote. I'll make the deciding vote, if needed. It's kinda your standard cooperative communistic dictatorship. Wink. (You like that, CW?)
Ready, set, go!
Can't wait to read your entries.
Take care, dear sillies.
Roses are red
ReplyDeleteViolets are blue
Uranus makes me laugh
You too?
Oh, wait, that didn't sound right.
BTW, this is NOT my entry. I'll need to ponder.
I wonder how many of your entries will have Uranus in it, Al. Oh no, I should not encourage you. And when I read your poem I thought - oops, I didn't limit number of entries. But bring 'em on. Uranus and all! Don't hold back!
DeleteA dark man or piece of chocolate? Oh, my....
ReplyDeleteYeah, I should've put those in the reverse order. Oh, well.
DeleteI hope the Lord sends him a 5th grade English book. Learn how to formulate a coherent sentence first, then we'll talk about a serious, lifelong relationship.
ReplyDeleteI might be doing him a favor by posting it, thereby increasing the chances that the good Lord will have mercy and meet his many needs.
DeleteKanye.......on noye.........seriously. Pickens are slim my friend. It's good you are a confident fabulous woman. Wish I could offer better in TX than CA.......but no......oh my.
ReplyDeleteKan - no, hello no
LOL. hello no on noye damn Kanye!
DeleteThank you, Joanne.
How's this?
ReplyDeleteYou love me.
I love me.
Isn't it nice that we have something in common?
I like it, Fishducky. Plus, you're the first to enter. It's good to have that kind of love in common too. I'm on the lookout myself.
DeleteSmiles.
Surrounded by men who believe that they could get knotted, this Valentines Day I may take up macrame.
ReplyDeleteYou're so clever, EC. I'll take this as your entry, yes?
DeleteJust don't get tangled up with any of these dweebs.
I just can't stop laughing! Oh my gos so funny, Robyn!
ReplyDeleteHere's my entry: Dear Cupid, you're stupid. Just die but don't forget my chocolate. Love, me.
It's perfect, Yvonne. You said it all in only 13 words. Well done!
Delete#378 might be better if it were a complete sentence. Here's my entry: Fuck everybody.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
Haha. Janie, you always make me laugh. The funniest part too, is often the fact that you simply end with "Love, Janie." You're the best.
DeleteYour favourite should have written: "I want Jack Lord to pick the girl for me". OK he's dead, but wouldn't you trust him on dating advice?
ReplyDeleteI'm noticing a Uranus theme in your musings, Robyn. I hope you're not thinking of exploring the dark planet. :)
Oh no, GB. Thank you for your concern. It's just that CW and Al Penwasser like jokes about Uranus. As do I. I'll leave the exploration to others, though.
DeleteWe need to set up the hermaphrodite in #383 with #379 who sounds like he doesn't care if he's set up with an animal, vegetable or mineral.
ReplyDeleteGood idea. I do want to play matchmaker like that some times.
DeleteMy favorite was the Kayne one...and your responses to it. Yeah, he's just so very humble. As humble as Trump's tan is real.
ReplyDeleteI know, right? That mofo is orange. Bright ORANGE! Nothing's natural about that color.
DeleteOh boy, I look forward to these, even though they make me cringe.
ReplyDeleteMe too, on both counts, TBM. Thank you.
DeleteToo bad the lord isn't checking their grammar.
ReplyDeleteThe lord might bless them with Hooked on Phonics if He did.
DeleteI'm guessing those eHarmony claims of most marriages is probably 1% of their total clientele. What a bunch of boobs.
ReplyDeleteI don't hear good things about eHarmony, but that one is the most rigorous dating site out there, from what I hear. They all claim big successes. It's hard to believe when, yeah, they're a bunch of boobs.
DeleteNo, you don't want to see Uranus!
ReplyDeleteHumble and Kanye should never be used in the same paragraph, let alone sentence.
True, Alex. In fact, Kanye should never have been on planet Earth.
DeleteSo does he want girls in the girl country or just whatever he sees first? Maybe the good Lord is too busy helping him to help the poor grammar dude.
ReplyDeleteLord's got His work cut out for him.
DeleteYour answer to "humble with a hint of Kanye" is INSPIRED! Love it!
ReplyDeleteWhy thank you, Debra. That one seemed to be the highlight (or lowlight). Smiles.
DeleteI love when you do these "reasons" posts. Seriously funny!!! I am always amazed at what people write on these types of sites. It's more than the poor grammar. It's more about how convoluted their thinking is.
ReplyDeleteSuch as the case of wanting a humble with a hint of Kanye. What the hell does that look like? Loved your comment on that one.
Thanks, Cheryl. That man couldn't hint at anything if he tried. He doesn't even know what the word means. I bet he's a Trump supporter too.
Delete"Whenever I look to hard, it goes soft." Everyone looked my way when I read that. Must've made some kind of snort or something.
ReplyDeleteNothing says, "Be mine" like a new vacuum cleaner! I'll try to work up some verse to say how I really feel.
Clearly everyone around you was not reading my blog. What's wrong with those people? I'm looking forward to your entry, Jono.
DeleteThis is where I wish you had comments in the separate window so I didn't have to scroll back and forth...
ReplyDelete376- how about a big chocolate bunny, recarved in such a way as to resemble a man?
377- More Uranus jokes? Oy!
379- If you find that fun girl country, let me know. I'll move if it's legit!
380- What? You nailed that one...
381- How did this dude fill out the questionaire- and how did they read it if he did?
382- You nailed that one even better! I hope you replied to him with that!
383- Y'know, I do a lot of surveys, and I never have seen an "other" box under "Male" and "female".
I'm going to check with you, when I can't think of a response. You're so quick witted, CW. I've never seen an "other" box either, and I've lived in some liberal places. Nor have I seen "Essentially Male."
DeleteIs that "quick" or "dim"?
DeleteUm, both? J/K. It's dim. I mean quick. Quick witted, my decent redneck friend. You're very quick witted. =)
DeleteNow I'm sitting here in the kitchen wondering if I've ever been down enuff and I don't know what it is. Can we expect this sort of ambiguous language to appear on lipid panels in future diagnostic centers? Ballots? Report cards? I feel so old!
ReplyDeleteMe too, Geo. The amount of ads in search of a down womEn is appalling too. I'm kinda glad, though, that the stigma around depression seems to be lifting.
DeleteHi Robyn! Those were all good...
ReplyDeleteI'm going to think up an entry for your contest.
Great, Pat. It's good to see you. Always. I hope you're well. I look forward to your entry!
DeleteAs always, I can't believe these are real. I'm not calling you a liar, I'm calling these lunatics incredibly oblivious. Oh how nice it must be to lack all sense of self-awareness.
ReplyDeleteLo I shall not win said contest as I shall not bad mouth Valentine's Day. I love Valentine's Day and I love love.
I still love you even though you love love, PVP.
DeleteIf there is a girl country, I wonder if there's also a man country?
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't want to go anywhere near that man country - imagine the smell and the amount of dirty laundry.
DeleteSmiles.
I am bending down and kissing the ground in thanks that I don't have to deal with these idiots! Be it Match . com, eHarmony or Plenty of Fish, they're everywhere!
ReplyDeleteAnd they seem to keep breeding too. Help us all!
DeleteBAHAHA! These posts are always a hoot.
ReplyDeleteThe comments, even better.
DeleteThanks, Martha.
Hi human, Robyn,
ReplyDeleteGood thing that I'm not into time because if I was, I'd tell you I'm leaving you a comment at gone three in the morning. Arf!
Ah yes, speaking of Kanye, that egotistical buffoon, headlined Glastonbury over here in England. He was total crap!
Valentine's Day is a load of bollocks! Of course, in my human's case, the postal service has several truckloads of mail from all his adoring female fans on that pawticular day! Of course he does!
Pawsitive wishes and doggy kisses,
Penny xx
I imagine your hot, gorgeous, sought after human is flooded with Valentine's gifts, cards, and proposals on V-Day. Don't eat his chocolates, though. They might kill you. And I'm hoping to snag some when he's looking the other way.
DeleteHugs and cheer to you and your human.
Another great group of guys! All they need is the love of a good wumon. Looking forward to seeing your anti-Valentine's Day entrees. It wasn't the same last year without them.
ReplyDeleteJulie
So nice of you to remember, Julie. I didn't even remember that I'd skipped this last year. I think I was fairly depressed at that time. I'm glad to say that I'm excited to bring it back, and I hope you'll enter.
DeleteAnd these folks are also voters... I wonder how many are from Iowa?
ReplyDeleteOne does wonder, and they thought Iowa hosted the first "cock us."
DeleteSo funny, and yet, it's our world. Gotta laugh where you can.
ReplyDeleteYes, exactly. Thank you, TPC.
DeleteHumble with a hint of Kanye--Bwahahaha! I'll have to give some thought to the Valentine's Day hate. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat. I look forward to your entry, Connie. Thank you.
DeleteThere just never seems to be a lack of stupid people needing dates.
ReplyDeleteLOL. Thank you, Ruth, for the laugh and for speaking the truth!
DeleteI wish some of these guys would just say what actually mean. "Looking for some fun country girl or other." Well, we all know that the dimwit thinks fun, country girl means one night stand who can't figure out how to use her phone to try and seriously date. Fun = easy. Country girl = dumber than me. Other = one night stand. No strings. Got it. That should ad should read, "Looking For One Night Stand with Female. Any Female. Don't expect dinner or me to pay for your cab ride home. This guy's cheap, but horny."
ReplyDeleteYou're spot-on with this translation, Robin. I love it. I am laughing heartily too. Thank you!
DeleteOh my-A hint of Kanye? I think I would rather have a scent of Uranus-ick. You made me laugh with your responses. Most need to go back to school and learn the basics...sadly they may all have jobs in the government
ReplyDeleteHaha, I probably should scale back on the icky Uranus stuff. But it's too fun.
Delete*Snort* your comment to #382 made my day. :-P
ReplyDeleteGlad to have made your day, Misha.
DeleteThank you.
Mmmm, here's an idea, how about a big, dark man of chocolate! Awesome! How your beef cake, and eat him too!
ReplyDeleteBrilliant as always Robyn.. especially love 381 - I almost feel sorry for him! haha classic
I do sometimes feel sorry for these guys, Anthony, but not 381. Haha.
DeleteThank you.
And yes to your idea. xo
Roses are red
ReplyDeleteViolets are blue
Me with no skivvies?
PU
A Valentine Haiku
ReplyDelete(Assuming 'chocolate' has only two syllables, instead of three. I mean, what kinda freak says, 'Choc-o-lates'?)
Dozen red roses
Box of milk and dark chocolates
Just me and my hand
Oh my, I resemble this haiku. Oy vey!
DeleteThank you, Al. I'm dying from laughter over here.
Heard about your book. Downloaded your book. Read your book. Loved your book.
ReplyDeleteHipHipHOoray!!! I just got really excited! Thank you, Wilma. It's much appreciated.
DeleteA hint of Kanye or essentially male? Both cracked me up.
ReplyDeleteLove is in the air. Be sure to wear a mask.
And when worded that way, it's even better: a hit of Kanye OR essentially male. Haha.
DeleteThanks, Elizabeth.
I like your to-the-point entry too. =)
Oh my gosh, your responses to #380 were hilarious! Well, they all were, but that was my favorite. :)
ReplyDelete